Saturday In House Gists - 27/6/15

Todays gists are tight.I have never laughed so much all at once.
Please make sure you read all....So funny!

My best gist is best kept secret for fair play.

GIST NUMBER 1

MY Experience With Cannabis (Igbo)

This happened some few years back.

I had just moved out of my friends house and was sharing a room with a 'friend'. I had no idea he smoked weed despite his suspicious movement and signature weed scent (abi smell?) barely two weeks after moving in with him, my worst fears were confirmed as he started bringing home his weed smoking buddies and they would occasionally roll a wrap and smoke it right there in the room or mix the weed with beans or spaghetti. 

Being a curious person I always wondered what made them happy after smoking. so I decided to find out for my self (wrong move)

It was a very hot day in February, a Saturday i think it was, my friend was out as usual. I searched everywhere for his stash but couldn't find it so i decided to go and get mine. I arrived the weed joint all sweaty and nervous, half expecting to get mugged but nobody seemed to be aware of my presence there, they were all on different planets all expect one i concluded that he must be the seller so i approached him and the following conversation ensued:

Me: how far? 

Weed seller: i dey

Me: i wan buy weed

Weed seller: how many parcel? 

Me: parcel ke? Iro oo, na just small i need

Weed seller: laughs really hard. bolo leleyi sha(meaning this guy is a dunce oo) 

Apparently, a parcel of weed is that small wrap, i didn't know that. I thought it was something very large. 

I gave him 1000naira and he gave me a tiny wrap of weed with a white paper, i was suprised when he gave me 950 as change. I couldn't beleive weed was that cheap. 

On my way home, i decided not to smoke it but mix it with beans because i thought that it will be better that way(another wrong move). Long story short, i cooked beans and added the whole weed, ate it and called my friend, i told him ogbeni i just ate weed oo and nothing happened to me this one that you people will eat and be feeling funky, i don chop am oo. My friend was like ehen you be strong man oo

I decided to take a quick nap before doing laundry, i woke up about 20 minutes later on the floor i was banging my head on the floor, and i couldn't stop, my heart beat was so audible and fast, everything was extra bright and extra loud. After a few minutes of head banging, i was able to get up from the floor, 

I felt as if i had just gained access to a part of my mind that I never knew existed previously, it was scary and cool at the same time. I could feel the blood flowing in my veins(you have to experience it to believe it. Though I strongly advise against it) i felt so uncomfortable in the room, it felt like i was in an oven suddenly a voice in my head whispered ogbeni bo aso e joor (off your clothes) i obeyed. The voice came again oya sa re(now run) that was when i realised that the weed had taken effect so i decided to take a shower to see if it will calm me down, but the water felt so hot on my skin so hot i ran out of the bathroom. 

I called my friend to see if he could help me make sense of what was going on but he laughed at me, he asked me the quantity of weed i took and i told him i used a whole parcel, he said guyyyyy you don eff up if you no sleep in the next 30mins, you go mad oo go chemist make you go explain yourself. 

By this time things had escalated, i had a severe itch at the back of my head that wouldn't go away no matter how hard i scratched and i was convinced that the beating in my chest was an evil spirit that could only be killed with a punch. I ran to my neighbour champion and told him champion e jo e fun mi lese laya(champion pls punch me in the chest) ti e ba gbami lese laya mo ma ku oo(if you don't punch me i will die oo) he hissed and walked out having had enough of such nonsense from the boys in the boys quatters.

The voice in my head came again iwo na o de gba ara e lese laya abi o ti fe ku ni(why don't you punch yourself in the chest or do you want to die?) i punched and punched but there was no difference. 

The house was getting hotter, the voice in my head was getting louder, the itch in my head was getting worse, and the evil spirit in my chest was getting louder. Then came the voice again oya ma sare lo(start running) so i started running but on getting outside in the sun, i felt so cold i was shivering but that didn't stop me from running(i would have given husain bolt a run for his money on that day). 

On getting to the chemist, i realised i was bare footed, i told him i had a severe headache i needed something to make me sleep immediately, he gave me the drug and i chewed it right there in his presence, next i asked him to give me a drug for evil spirit, that was when he realised something was wrong with me and chased me out. 

I got back home and tried to sleep but my heart beat wouldnt let me, so i ran back out this time around to a nurse in the area, first thing she asked was kilode o wo bata ni? (why don't you have your shoes on? I told her jackie chan ti gba bata lowo mi (jackie chan collected my shoes) i was finally able to explain my situation to her and she took me in, tied something around my elbow and injected me directly in the vein. I passed out immediately only to wake around 1 or 2am in the middle of the night with the worst kind of hunger I have ever felt in my life. I ate a whole loaf of butter field bread in one sitting without butter or tea. 

I came home to a hero's welcome, my friend told me e be like say your head no carry am but e go better make you try am once more so you go dey use to it. The following day while the house was empty, I packed my Ghana must go and like the prodigal son in the bible I went back home to my parents. It's been a few years since that experience but the lesson I learnt is an unforgettable one. My curiosity hasn't gotten me in trouble again and my circle of friends have since changed.

My Advice: Don't Ever Do Drugs.

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GIST NUMBER 2

MY PEPPER TALE

This gist wey I wan give una happen to me earlier this week while preparing for my mum’s birthday party.. So as the chief cook, i just dey feel myself with my fried rice procedure. I grated and diced all the ingredients and atarodo (pepper) was the last. At that stage, i got so pressed but i just dey hold am with style.

As I no fit hold am anymore, I rush go toilet, I finished successfully and came out of the bathroom feeling so relieved and happy, as I just take six more steps, gbese come start ooh for my main part, i just start to dey feel like say devil don open department of hell fire for my anus.

Chai, i no fit waka again ooh, I just sit down for ground, na then I come flash back say I no wash my pepper hand before I use the toilet ooh... At that time i just shout "ayaf die ooh".

My sister come rush ask wetin happen, as I explain she laugh fall for ground but it wasn't getting funny again. She come help me go room, I offload my pant begin fan my private. Later, i come enter bathroom wash the place properly before the pain finally subsided, my people I saw hell on earth ooh.

My sister later gisted all my family members and till date i am still called pepper anus. (lol)

H.J

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GIST NUMBER 3

G.R.A RESTAURANT GIST

My fellow BVS I hail o. Make I give u one funny experience I had recently in Ilorin; I and my friend dey go tanke (Unilorin area) jejely o, we come pass G.R.A and hunger don hammer us wella, we come see one restaurant they build am like all this African hut, it has a thatched roof sef, but the inside fine die, A.C dey, nice waitress and big men and oyinbo people dey there... since I don even mention G.R.A, you should know d kinda people you will see there na.

 We enter, order for pounded yam and  efo riro with meat and ponmo, We chop finish, bill enter, I saw a bill of close to 4k, I was like the waiter should go, I will get back to him, Me and my friend come sit down dey reason wetin we chop, We see pounded yam, wey no suppose pass #50, na for inside leave sef them wrap am o, no be nylon, per 1 na #300, I ate two, my friend ate 3, unto say d pounded yam small, Bottle water #50 for town, them sell am #150, we bought 1 each, meat or ponmo #200 each.

 That is the first restaurant that I will see, wey them go sell soup for u, I sha notice say as I dey chop d vegetable soup, I see, dried fish, snail, edo, shaki, assorted sha, Me and my friend they happy say, this restaurant na better, we no know say dem dey sell the soup ni, My friend soup na #700 my own na #800, unto say me, I dey chop soup, so I asked for more while eating... na there I drop forming o, My guy, I carry d bill go meet them, say how them go they sell food and sell soup join that d soup is supposed to be free or if I can't afford to pay for soup, they will just give me only pounded yam to eat?

They were like: "ma, that's how it's done here, if you were a regular customer you would have known" I carry shame, go siddon back.

The security man don dey look me like person wey him go beat, and make I no lie, I no get money, na towards end of semester so student don broke, Na him my friend talk say " busayo, shey we no go wash plate abi do cleaner here today like this "I say lai lai (never), e no go happen, na him I carry shoulder up, go meet them say, shey Una they operate POS them say "yes ma", luckily for me, mumsie sent me 5k a day before Buh I no wan spend d money anyhow, they sha deducted d money from my account, as I dey enter my pin, I dey smile outside but for inside I dey tell myself " Busayo shey u see say u be werey, money wey u suppose carry go market, buy food stuffs, cook soup wey u go chop for 1 week, na him u carry chop for one afternoon, another voice they talk, even if d hunger don catch you, why you choose, G.R.A of all places to eat ", I sha bone face, go back to my seat, tell my friend " Nike Oya make we dey go" My friend say, shey u don pay ni, I say yes.

 She said, friendship mii unto say u don pay, we must not go just like that, Say Shebi them bill us for watching t.v, collecting A.C for body, for security wey open door for us, e.t.c , na why d money plenty like that, I was like Yea, maybe.

Na that day I know say my friend get serious werey (craze) for head, She first of all carry all d chilli Peper, salt nd toothpick wey they our table put for bag , Enter toilet, waste their soap and hand sanitizer anyhow, open the tap down make d water they waste, Go wash hand basin, they pour their soap and wash hand anyhow , After that, she they do like person wey dey receive call, they find network in and out of the restaurant, so the security go dey open door, that's his own punishment for frowning at us when he thought we had no money, She come say make d waiter no clear our table so people go know say, we don buy plenty food, she then talk say we go collect A.C and watch t.v till our eye pepper us.

Come see as people they look us, But we no send, After all that, my friend go another table pack their salt, chili pepper and tooth pick, put for bag, that one go be my own share, Na after that she come say, Oya make we dey go, That we just got our money's worth, Since that day, if I dey pass G.RA na to dey throwaway face o, abi make I dey press my phone.

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GIST NUMBER 4

PARTY BUMPERS

On Sunday, I attended one event like that in V.I, i come see dis my old class mate in school, we were quite close back then but lose contact after we left school. We come dey gist about old times, she come bring up one embarrassing incident like dat, we com laugh wella. I reach house, chop food finish come sit down dey tink about that incident wey we laugh about.

The gist be say, One of our friends for class been invite us to her brother's wedding. The night before the event, my friend talk say make we drink agbo jedi (herbal mixture) wey go purge our belle so that space go dey to contain enough food. We don dey round up the semester as exam dey approach so we don broke well well, food don dey finish for house. We plan say we go eat well well for the party, use poly bag carry plenty food come house and also collect enough gifts, if possible hook up wit some nice and rich bobo too.

Naso we drink agbo jedi that night, come begin purge early in d morning around 4am, we purge till dat kain10am, we come take flagyl to stop am as we don weak. Around 12pm, we don dress finish arrange poly bag wey we go put food, come begin go the reception.

We reach there, call our friend, she com outside com carry us enter as we no wear aso ebi, we sit down cross leg. Dem first share small chops and chapman, we rush am, later dem share roasted chicken wit juice, we rush am, com even collect like two extra plates each, put am inside poly bag under our chair. We later collect plenty gifts put dem inside one fancy bag wey dem share.

Time reach for d main menu, come see different kind of food, semo, amala, fried rice, salad, jollof, ewedu, egusi,etc. The meat dem big no be small, we eat well, we com pack food full inside our polybag. Around5pm, I tell this girl say make we begin go house, she say noo, make we wait small whether dem go share more gifts. We sit down dey wait, small time, I smell one kind odour like shit, i come tell my friend, she say maybe sombody mess(fart). I come notice say na one yansh she take sit down for chair, i come tell her say make she talk true, she come say the purging don start again
and the thing come be like mess, as she say make she mess am na him shit follow com out .

 Chai, dis one na gbege o, people don dey cover nose dey look around. I no fit run leave her, a friend in need...dem come call ushers tell dem. The ushers come begin search everywhere, dem come reach our seat, dem say make we stand up make dem check the polybag wey dey under our chair, na dere my friend come burst cry, come dey beg dem say na she dey smell shit, say she dey purge and na mess she wan mess wey shit come out. Chai! He be like say make i disappear comot for dere. Dem curse me and my friend so tey, dem come say make dem check the poly bag whether na shit we store put for inside, dem see different food. "Ole, thief, onijekuje, why una no go shit for body? Food wey no reach some people, una chop chop begin purge, una still pack full inside polythene bag''. Dem com sieze the poly bag and all the gifts wey we collect, come push us comot for the party. The
girl wey invite us no talk to us till we finish exam come vacate school that semester.

Hmmn, my people, i no want make the gist get episodes that is why the thing long, make una no vex.

Mama T.
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GIST NUMBER 5

FALSE ARMED ROBBER ALERT

One fateful night while were sleeping between 2am-3am, we heard someone shouting and knocking loudly on our neighbor's/landlord's door. Immediately, we all became alert in our house thinking the noise was from armed robbers.

My dad tiptoed into our room(I and my siblings) and started whispering to us saying we should keep quiet.

My elder sister who is now married turned to prayer warrior(with rosary and bible) my dad was also in one corner praying. I was just in one corner moping and begging God in my mind to forgive me all my sins (in case they killed me). Throughout this period we all kept tip toeing to the toilet in turns and urinating into the small bowl we use for bathing before pouring it gently into the toilet (this was to avoid making noise). There was nothing I did not imagine that night.

After a while, the noise stopped but we couldn't sleep well till morning. It was the next day that we found out the noise came from a man who came to buy drugs for his sick son(the landlady is a nurse). We were lucky that my mum traveled. If not, it would have been a different story.

Ada

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GIST NUMBER 6

BREAD AND EGG WAHALA

Abeg, I wan knack you and my fellow BVs, this tori ooooo, as I remember am I dey laugh, if I win the N5, 000, it won’t be a bad idea oooo, lol. I never see time write am since because of my exams.

TO THE MAIN GIST

A few weeks back, it rained in the morning, so I was late. As I wan  park for office, my phone ring, grrrrrrrinnnn, as I look am, na our office number, my heart don cut say, maybe my Madam dey call me, EMATT (Electronic Madam At The Top… as one of my colleague who introduced me to this blog dey call am), lol. 

As I pick am, na our Receptionists R… and G… , “Aunty J… we dey go buy Bread and Fried Eggs, with Breakfast Coffee, we wan find out whether you go buy” na there my set up start ooooo. R and G sabi say I like Bread and fried Eggs, well well and R sabi make the breakfast coffee, very creamy for me. 

Before I park finish, dem don come downstairs, before you say “Jack Robinson”, I don rush out of the car, carry money give them. When dem return, I enjoyed my meal and carried on the business of the day as usual. Meanwhile, I be dey prepare for my seminar presentation for school that day. Around 4 pm, I carry my things, (I dey close early on the days I go to school) to go pick up mu daughter, drop her with my aunt and go to school. Na so I begin find my car key, I check my bag, bring our everything, like 3 different times, begin pray sef, say every plan of the devil to make me go late for my presentation, catch fire.

All my colleagues don begin follow me find the car, including a BV, when be Iya Ibeji, she carry her big belle, come follow me check everywhere ooooo, where you put key, I say, I usually keep it on my desk or my bag. I begin demonstrate, think how I take climb up in the morning, sign register, ehen, I was holding the key na, go reception, check for where?

I was already planning to beg my colleagues say if na prank, today no be day for pranks oooo, I wan go do crèche runs, before I go school for presentation, because, for my office, dem sabi dat kain prank. (na so one day dem hide one of my Male colleague wallet, I no dey office ooo, but as dem gist me, I laugh ooo – story for another day). 

WAITTTTTTT, my mind say abi, you forget key inside car, I say NEVER, how na, I never forget key inside car before. My mind say, just check to be sure. Na so I rush downstairs, as I reach downstairs, the key was still in the ignition, e remain small, I for no off engine, because of egg and bread chai….

Na so me and my receptionist and my Male Colleague, Mr. P… turn to panel beater oooo, any way, we brought out the key ourselves ( don’t ask me how oooo). I jump inside motor go pick up my baby go school. As I dey go, my Colleague send me text say ” .. tomorrow you go still do longer throat for bread and fried eggs..” I burst laugh ehen.

My Fellow BVs take care ooo, till next time.

Amebo Lawyer, looool.

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GIST NUMBER 7

BBM DP DISGRACE

There is a burden in my heart and I want to let it all out!

On BBM ehn boys can lie! Let me tell you what I used to do before. I would go on Google and search for "Pretty girls' pictures" Then I would download plenty pictures of fine babes! 

Almost every day I would put one of the pictures up as DP and on my Pm I would write something like "Thanks hun for showing up today! Had so much fun!" "Or it was  great hanging out with you darl" Girls that I didn't know from Adam! Most of them are not even Nigerians! Guys used to respect me! They would just be pinging me to organize babe for them. I loved the attention men! Until one day I just used this fine girl's picture.

Then I updated my pm as usual "Thanks baby for showing up at my doorstep and singing with me! Sure had a great time! See you tomorrow like you promised. *KISS*"

(Now crying) I just noticed that my contacts started deleting me one after the other without even saying goodbye. Me that I had almost a thousand contacts all of a sudden, just had barely 10 and out of the 10, 9 of them are not functional. Only for me to get a call from RIM that they want to delete me too!

So right now *wipes tears* i want to publicly apologize to my gone contacts to please come back! I didn't know it was Aaliyah (the yankee musician that apparently died 12years ago). Please forgive me *crying* I wont do it again!

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GIST NUMBER 8

THE LANDLORD'S DAUGHTER

My amebo gist is about my cousin ..I went to visit my cousin at Port Harcourt  as I hear he don hammer (as typical naija bred' I go make I collect my own share of the national cake; I no fit shout joor). Na so my cousin come  dey gist me how he go to formally ask his babe's parents for her hand in marriage.It happens that my cousin used to be his babe's papa tenant during his university's days about 7 years ago. Na so my cousin come refresh the man's memory about him, d man come happy o say yes dat he remembered him dat he was a good tenant; he never brought girls to his compound bla bla bla say he don agree dat his daughter should go ahead and marry him.

My cousin thanked him and as all of them (my cousin, his friend, his babe , his babe's parents and 2 brothers) come dey chop d sweet jollof rice d mama prepare na im suddenly!!! the papa come drop his spoon in a dramatic way come say dat  as at 7 years ago his daughter dey secondary school dat time ,that, that means say my cousin dey do "backyard" things with his  'then underaged' daughter. My Cousin and his babe come dey explain say na only 2 years ago dey started dating o but d papa no gree hear o. He tell my cousin make he give am time to reason d thing as he no too trust him again. Lol

I come ask my cousin if he was doing anything with d girl dat time..na so he stammer say 'they were just friends' dat she was in ss1 then..hehe he!! I come give him dat Stella ' s "my face the entire time" look. ..He come vex say make I leave him alone...lol

P/s: incase I win 5k pls donate it to that school bag charity organisation people. .Thank ma.

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GIST NUMBER 9

BOARDING HOUSE GHOST

My amebo is as narrated by my elder sister  that attended boarding house.

During their night prep around 8pm to 10pm, they are sometimes sent out by their house mistress because some of them don't like going to the class to read.so on this fateful hilarious night, her best friend Shade (not real  name) has put on this white local powder (stone-like which needs to be mashed and mixed with water to make a paste). She had pasted it all over her face and neck and decided she is not going to the class as she wanted to sleep, so my sis and her other friends left her in the hostel.

Unfortunately, NEPA seized the light around 9pm or so and cos of the darkness and loneliness, Shade decided to go and join them.that is where the kasala began o.

She left without washing the powder off her face. On her way through the bush path from the hostel to the classroom, there were two other students ahead.she decided to walk a bit faster to at least be closer to them for company cos of the lonely path. They turned around and saw someone coming close to them, they started shouting GHOST o GHOST o at the same time running for their lives (their school, all girls,located at the outskirt of the town.....previous episodes of ghosts and witches......)

They started running towards the classroom because that's their only succor and the only way. As Shade turned back to see the ghost, she found nothing, kai, she too joined them in running. Even other students they met on their way back  had no option than to turn back even as they don't know what the race is about. To them, the ghost is pursuing them, but to Shade, she is just one of them running away from the ghost not knowing she is the ghost. The more they run, the more the ghost is following them o till they got to the classroom where there were torchlights and lamps before they realized it was "SHADE ,THE GHOST". the other students in the class burst out in laughter .

That was when the racers and even shade realized who the ghost was and that was the last day Shade put on that local powder on her face.

Hope it cracked y'all up. It’s been over 15yrs now and I still laugh anytime I think about it or reminds my sister about it.

All the people who sent in these gists should be counting comments in their favour,please if you win,send me mail and we will take it from there as per the prize.I have emptied my inbox and dont have your mails anymore.