Saturday In House Amebo Gists.

If you cannot see these as fuuny,then learn a thing or two,i read all and found them entertaining.

Read when you are less busy,maybe that will do the magic..LOL

FALLING UNDER THE 'ANOINTING' OF 6 INCHES SHOES 

my people i hail ooo. this is bv Haney reporting live from. ....polytechnic.

long time no see shey? opera mini no let me comment with this my kpako phone.

so last week a mutual friend invited my room mate and i to her church

thanksgiving service. she sha say make we dress well because fine fine

boys dey come there wella. na so i nack one 6inches wey dem dash since

2013.as we enter church see fine boys true true. na so i plaster fake smile

for face dey give them because me sef know say i try with my ok

cillections. time to go offerring reach, i danced like peacock go drop

my 20naira.

To come back for my seat na there e begin happen ooo. my

people i couldnt feel my legs again. ha! 

na me go begin fall hand with this fine boys wey dey here so? as per sdker wey i be na. i begin raise hand dey shout ''yes lord, thank you Jesus''. 

from there i fall down as per say i dey under the influence of the holy spirit na. my people

it wasnt funny ooo. 

The pastor say make dem carry me go corner for deliverance, my room mate say lai lai oo say make e go house. na so taxi land. dem put me inside, i still dey shout yes lord till we reach house. na as we reach house i begin laugh tell my friend the koko. she almost pulled my hair that day. 

Make una manage the dry gist like that ooo.

BV Haney

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CHURCH AMEBO

When I was coming back from work one day I was rushing home because I had to cook for my dad b4 he comes back and I still had to stop at the saloon to wash and straighten my hair before going home, so I was really in a hurry. 

 So when I got to the saloon na, one woman like that was there with her friend. The woman was polishing her nails and would not keep her hand or leg well for the girl that was polishing her nails, because she was on phone. Talking about how happy she was that the case is over, that God had shown himself mighty and all that. She was on phone for such a long time that the girl could not finish her nails on time. And every1 waiting for the girl to finish started complaining before the woman dropped the call. And after that she turned to her friend, she started gisting her friend about what happened in her church. I later got to find out through the gisting that she is a prophetess. But u need to see this woman with her long nails n long Brazilian hair and long lashes. See her chicky looks na. For me is hard to believe she is a prophetess. (as I hear”uche if You see wetin happen” my ear just stand I even 4get say na hair I come wash.)

 So the gist started na, that shey her friend know that in her church if a woman is on her monthly period she is not allowed into the church? Her friend said yes. She said okay that last 3weeks Sunday she did not go to church becos she was on her period. That the pastors and prophets there have been behaving badly, that things happen there and they don’t deem it fit to tell her as the owner of the church. That tithes, offerings, n special seeds sowed. They hardly give her anything, but she still pay them their salaries n still find a way to pay the rent for the church from her personal pocket. She does not complain but the most recent one that happened really got to her.

 That the Sunday she did not go to church something happened that nobody told her of on till on Wednesday when we went to church, the distance from her house to church is far. So when she get there it was not up to 10mins. Policemen came and took every1 in church that they were under arrest 4 murder she was surprised and started asking what happened who died and all that. That was when the pastors in church started telling her that. On Sunday when she was not in church, one woman got carried away by spirit and confessed of being unfaithful and have cheated with so many men in the community even the prominent ruler n she called names. That they finished praying for her and asked for her to go and sin no more.

Only for some people in church to take the news out of church to the whole village. Ndi nne(women of the community) came together went to the woman’s house beat her up, drag her naked to the town square and told her that she is a shame to them for all she has done and will appease the land by coming with all the men she has slept with to pay her husband the sum of 1million each. If not she will be banished.

The woman went back to church met 1 of the pastors and told him what happened. The pastor asked her if there is any other thing she will like him to know. The woman confessed that her three sons are not fathered by her husband. He told her that God has not forgiven her yet. That she will have to confess to the husband and ask for his forgiveness. Then God will forgive her and she will have peace again.

 So he took her to the husband’s house and she confessed to the husband about the children but instead of the husband to get angry, he said he knows and has forgiven his wife. It was even the 2^nd son that got angry and started insulting the mother calling her harlot, prostitute n many others. The 1^st son asked him to stop and he refused. They started fighting the 2^nd went in brought out a machete and cut off his brother’s hand.

Fight stopped n pastor ran back to church. Community heard came to church to fight the pastor. And people in church fought back some people were wounded and the fight later stopped. Only for news to come back that one of the people that came to fight had dead suddenly. So the reason for the police arrest.

So they took them to the station, she said some of her members ran around raised 50k n bailed her. Cause, the police said that’s the bail for 1 person.

 So when she came out she enter prayer with her virgins and the 7^th day she finished the prayer. She went to the station n fortunately that day DPO came n was complaining that everywhere is hot and too much people in the cell.

 He started asking them their offences n released the minor cases but for the church people he asked to meet them next week with the community people that arrested them, so when they came back next week, the community people did not come and they later found out nobody really died. So the DPO closed the case.

I forgot she was not even talking to me I started shouting nawaooo which kind pastor be that 1 self. So wetin u come do am na? wetin come happen to the woman n her children? walahi e remain small make the woman slap me self, with the kind bad eye she look me with her lashes. Nobody tell me to mind my business say na eavesdropping I dey do.

I forget say I won cook for my father self. When I reach house that day na my body tell me. My Father can so tell you your future by your immediate action.

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SHAME DON CATCH ME WELL WELL FOR GERMANY

Stella how una dey na? Hmm this one na something wey happen to me  and I said make I share with you guys. We can all learn from it. In fact the shame still they catch me well well. My pidgin is not so good but I go try.

Stella I dey for your country oo. You know how these people sometimes never mind you when you cant communicate in their language (Deutsch). Me I no fit speak nothing. When I want to buy something, I just dey take replica there show attendant and they give me wettin I wan abeg.

Me sef I be 25 but look like 16. Many people mistake me for a 16 years old girl born in this country because, I get baby face and smallish body.

Na so 2 weeks ago I went to a call shop to buy a sim card. Me I carry O2 sim show the attendant say ebi wettin I wan buy. Just as I was stepping out, na so one fine looking guy also dey enter. I reach outside the guy come follow me out.

Conversation begins.

Guy: Hello Lady please do you speak English?

Me: Yes I do.

(Come see the guy start to praise God for meeting me there) For my 

mind I say ah! Wettin this one dey praise God for na?

Guy: Please I want to buy Vodafone starter pack with a 20 Euro free Festnezt tariff but I have been to 4 different shops and they all don’t understand English. Neither do I understand nor speak Deutsch. I really need to buy this and want you to help me translate this to the attendant here.

The guy no fit ask me say na whether I fit speak Deutsch first. Haba!

Me: (For my mind I say Hian! today na today. This fine bobo wan disgrace me today. Lie lie e no go happen. I no fit tell am say me sef no understand anytin. This one na shame na ah ah. I go try my best abeg.)

Sweat start dey show for my face in this cold weather. I even lose my voice sef as I begin dey stammer)

Me: O o ok let us enter.

Na so we enter the shop, the guy by my side. Na hin I go stand in front of the attendant. When he was ready for us he turned to us and said Ja?

I just dey whisper for under my breathe say who send me? Na wa for me oo. Na so I begin dey rumble some nonsense wey me sef no understand. The attendant just dey there dey look my face. I just dey continue talking. Me sef I no no wetin I talk. I just dey combine many useless words together to form senseless and meaningless sentences abeg. For my mind I say( at least make I no disgrace myself in front of this fine bobo. The bobo see say I dey talk something. ehen na so).

Many people also come dey enter but me I no make any sense. The attendant begin dey talk plenty but I no fit understand anytin. He now dey shift attention to another buyer. He come face me again after 2 minutes. Na so I just dey continue my nonsense talk. I dey yarn, yarn, yarn. The attendant no dey understand anything at all at all. Na so he just dey raise him index finger dey press him brain say I dey mad. Chai! This man don finish me. The fine bobo just dey come look my face with Stella’s side eyes.

 Everybody just dey turn look ma face with questionable expressions. Na so the fine bobo see say I just dey talk nonsense all the while. He see say me sef no understand anytin. In fact I no fit talk anytin at all. Chai! e pain me well well.

The fine bobo come turn to me and say: Please don’t bother yourself if he doesn’t understand you. I am really sorry to have wasted your time. But you should have also told me the language wasn’t any easier for you too. Once again sorry for wasting your time. Bye.

Chai! Na so the fine bobo just dey leave me there with my face painted in shame. I just dey pick my phone say I dey call someone. I use that style get out of the shop. I just dey run as I step out. I no wan further embarrassment abeg.

See where small impression wey I wan make has taken me to. Plenty shame dey catch me. Chai!

Please let us try to be ourselves every time. It will save us the embarrassment. 

You should have told him the truth nau...where you dey for Germany?

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SLAPPED,PHONE STOLEN,ACCOUNT EMPTIED IN SOUTH AFRICA

My cell phone was in my pocket while going to one of the malls in South Africa, I forgot my wrist watch, so I decided to check the time using my phone, I brought out my cell phone and checked the time and put the phone back in my pocket. Immediately a South African guy approached me and asked me to check the time for him, as I brought out the phone, he snatched it from me and when I asked him to give me back the phone, he refused and brought out a knife, I was scared because the place was lonely .

He looked at the phone, hissed and slapped me, he said, I thought it was a Camera phone,next time buy a camera phone, I should have stabbed you for not having a camera phone, but i will forgive you because you are a lady. With that he ran away with my phone. I knew it was true because my classmate was stabbed in the hand for not having a camera phone. Is it a crime not to use a Camera phone?

I need to replace the stolen phone immediately, so I went to the nearest ATM to withdraw money. When I got there, I inserted my card and pushed the buttons, they didn’t work and I cannot even remove my card from the ATM.

A South Africa guy that pretended to be using the other ATM approached me and asked me to enter my pin and phone number, I did and I was able to recover my card. I was depressed and I decided to go back to my room, when I got to my building, I decided to use the elevator because my room was in the 7^th floor. I entered the elevator when we got to the fourth floor, I realized we were stuck, the elevator was no longer moving and the door wasn’t opening. We were two of us in the elevator. The lady with me was so pressed that she peed inside the elevator. We were inside the elevator for five hours before the technician fixed it. For two months, I did not use the elevator. The fear of getting stuck in the elevator is the beginning of using the stairs.

The following day, I went to the Bank to withdraw money and I was told that I withdrew all the money in my account the previous day and I was asked If I did not get the alert after the withdrawals, I told them my phone was stolen and I explained what happened and I was warned not to give out my pin numbers. I was pocket less, phoneless, and with a swollen cheek.

This is serious..is South Africa so dangerous?