Please dont look at me or direct your argument my way,this peice was written by a man,a blog visitor who chooses to be known as Mr Z.....
...Of cos he will get support from women for what he addresses but if you are a man and feel this writeup is not correct and you keep quiet,then maybe Mr Z is right afterall....
LOL
''Hi Stella,
I Saw another post on your blog about a woman's struggles in her marriage.
So many women are in pain, struggling, crying and wailing in their
marriages. As i read a lot of the posts on your blog, i feel the pain
of all the women who are going through serious challenges in their
marriages. It really hurts and it depresses me so much to a point i
wish i could just meet all of them and hug them so much and then with
a magic wand fix their problems.
That being said, there is also something else i have noticed. The
posts on marriage do not offer any hope to these women. I am actually
new in marriage and I know i still have a lot to learn but i find it
difficult to believe that everyone in marriage is miserable.
I may agree or disagree with a lot of comments and opinions but one thing i will agree 100% is that the failure of any marriage is 100% the fault of the man.
Marriage like any other institution must have a leader, director,
teacher, and the author of marriage made the man “the head”. This
means that the man is responsible for the spiritual, financial,
emotional, physical etc growth of the marriage. He is the foundation
on which everyone in the marriage stands on. He is not the King or
Dictator as most men believe but a foundation for the wife, children
etc to grow.
Most men are not taught how to be men. Most men from the age of 3 are
expected to be men, told repeatedly “Be a man, men don’t cry” and
nobody shows them how to be real men. They grow up ignorant of what it
truly means to be a man, and learn the society’s interpretation of
manhood and this leads them into chaos.
Women at least are taught how to cook, how to clean, how to do this, and how to do that. I as a man was never taught how to treat a woman, how to listen to her, how to lead her, how to lead the family in prayer and all spiritual aspects.
I grew up being told that i already have that in me. I found out i
didn’t know how to and i decided to learn everyday for the rest of my
life.
Women need to accept that most men do not even know what they are
doing not to talk of how to do it. And then “we” are expected to
behave, act and meet the standards set by Nollywood and Hollywood,
forgetting that we have not been taught how to do that. The worst part
is ego doesn’t let us men admit it. But if you meet a man who has
learnt what to do and how to do it, kai........ it is beautiful. [We
aren’t all bad.].
The truth is if any woman truly is in pain in her marriage, and wants
to make things work [especially if her husband is willing to admit he
too doesn’t know too much], she and her husband have to go back to the
beginning of their marriage. They have to start on the principle that
they both know nothing and work hard to learn everyday [seek knowledge
from God, the bible, genuine men of God, books, tapes, other mature
couples, etc] what it means to be married, how to do it, and if
possible seek professional help.
It will also be a good idea if those who are happy in their marriages
could begin to actually make noise about it. Let them share their
stories, their mistakes, their solutions, let us all learn what to do
and not do. I don’t believe anybody who posted their story here is
just bored, but they actually have a deep pain they want to voice out
and you have given them a channel to do so. It will be quite
encouraging if we restore hope to us all about marriage. Marriage has
its challenges, but if you get the foundation right it is quite
beautiful''.
PS you can call me Mr Z
Well delivered
ReplyDeleteI support n concur. Bt ders chronicles of hope bt ppl dnt really read it, der are nice stories der 2
DeleteTheoretically, he's right. Technically and in real life practice, this is unfortunately slightly evasive, which makes it flawed. We all know what is institutionally expected of both sexes in marriage. Only a woman is pressured to fulfil her own part of the bargain in this part of the world we live in. If a child is bad, na d mama get am. No Nigerian man will accept that his relationship failed because of him. Which man will do that? Where are those men abeg? Not with those overinflated egos.
DeleteMr Z, wake up and splash some reality into your face.
Not 100% correct at all. Blame the devil and those who allow themselves to be used. My friend just divorced his wife, very good guy from a rich family but the girls mother was determined to ruin her life. They spoke on phone, d girl only did what her mother said, what to eat, where to go, how to dress, when to have sex, inshort everything. It became like naija movie. When hubby vex, mother would call d girl who would march and pack her things to her mother and stay. Hubby had to run for his life when juju enter the matter. Interestingly this guy loved and looked after this girl like mumu, he didn't even allow her do any household chores, spoilt her silly, shopping abroad always. In d girls family, her mum and sisters have broken marriages. Her husband was determined to scatter the evil pattern against all odds, but no!
Delete@sue I almost thought your narration was about me only that I haven't finished the divorce stuff with her yet. Dude doesn't know what he is talking about until he marries a bad woman. What didn't I do to make my marriage work?? I pity you bro. I disagree 100% with you.
Delete@sue,when I said I can't marry someone from a broken home some people attacked me here...dis kinda situation is my reason for it,her mum will see notin wrong in askin her to move out anytime dias a little issue
DeleteSue don't be biased, you only heard from the guy. Don't just conclude like that unless you know the real story
DeleteAll I can say is that feel for women a lot, my heart goes out to them, they seem to suffer a lot in marriage this days, I get heart broken seeing How 90% of women suffer in marriage, it's so so heart breaking and it hurts me the more knowing or seeing these women finding it so difficult to walk away, is it a crime to be a single parent?
DeleteThat said, I don't think men contribute 100% to marriage failures, but they contribute more, say 70%.
Your comment will be visible after approval
First time i'm hearin sumtin like dis from a man... Well said!
DeleteIt is really sad. Married people complaining how sad n depressed they are, single peeps like us praying n fasting to get married.
DeleteWe (males n females) have our parts to play for marriage to work.
Most important thing is to marry God's will for you. When you've fufilled that obligation, whenever trouble crops up, u can hold God and ask Him to fix it as He led u into the marriage.
@Mr Z go marry first, before sending rubbish post here. 100% my foot. Mtchewww
DeleteAlloy pls face ur studies , must u comment in every post. Look @ ur English( I get heart broken) lol
Delete@Sue, ur friend's case is simply a percentage of the exceptions. This is cos the woman in this case is bad. And I am also taking into account that u are neutral as per u know d lady too. Mr Z actually answered some questions I had. In as much I would not concur its a 100%, but a greater percentage of men have no idea what marriage is all about. They believe its a walk through, like they have always done with other manly issues. But it isn't. That's why they bury their head in the sand (the other woman) when it goes belly up.Even for us women, we have been taught to stick like adhesive no matter what happens. That's why domestic abuse is a usual occurrence amongst us women.
Delete@bitchpls, dont get me started on a lecture on the psychology of broken home syndrome. But I'm just gonna say this , its ur mentality that will break up a home not the generation of already broken homes.
#enofsaid
@Sue,u r so right...Some women r terrible,not bcause dey wish to be but bcause dey hav terrible mothers...omo once jazz enter d story,to ur tent oh isreal. ...run as fast as ur tiny legs can carry u....
DeleteMy marriage collapsed due to my wife's stinking habits, until she left herself before she realised it. Never wished to have another woman as a wife apart from the mother of my daughter. God help me train her well as she stays with me. All bores down to understanding and commitment. All men are not responsible for bad marriages check out the attitude of ladies in town,
DeleteI disagree with you, Mr. Z. Marriage is a combined effort of a man and woman who comes together to make it work. Its a 50/50 thing, just because women blab a lot and talk abt deir problms don't mean dey are perfect too. If yuu check the background of some of dese women, dey have serious issues. Men av pride and dey wud rada endure silently dan complain openly. Most of dese chronicles are one-sided, yuu dnt gettu hear the husband's opinion. Most times, it's just the wife coming to complain of dis or dat. In as much as yuu made some very valid points, I refuse to agree with you dat the failure of the marriage is entirely the fault of the man. I'm sure you think I'm a guy buh naahh...i'm a woman, hun....change your thinking tho and be more logical than emotional.
DeleteMr Z,i like ur unbiased opinion abt this issue but will rather add honestly that in some aspects,women emancipation have hastened divorces lately!dont get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with it,but lately it has made women also lazy in working for their marriages!they feel I am young,educated and rich,i can fend for myself (which could be a saving grace in some terribly bad marriages nyway) so let the marriage end.but in the days of our parents,the women were not so exposed and were made to believe husband's house is their last destination,no return ticket back home,and they were solely dependant on the men.so they did everything to stay there.
DeleteNow on the flip side,the men of our time have a problem of bad upbringing,becos these same mothers of old' that look up to d man as the lord and king,trained every male child to believe he is superior as a man,men don't cry,men don't enter kitchen etc,that lack of exposure that kept their marriages is what is destroying ours cos the men ended up been brought up with that old school mentality their mothers taught them,and when that attitude,jam women emancipation',of course problem erupts!
For marriage to work,the two parties have to be ready to make it work!they have to think as our mothers of old:which is 'we both have nowhere to go from here so we have to fix it.so basically it's both sides that need to make it happen dou I give the men 70percent of d blame!
Maybe he's correct
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
Babes, there is no 'maybes'. The BIBLE clearly states that the man is the leader and head of the home. So he should live up to it.
DeleteThank God a man sent this in.
...And they keep making me feel I'm MAD.
Best is, just be single and live longer.
65%. Is from men
Delete35% is from women. ..
Women always put more effort in marriage whereas the men are carefree.
The only problem women have is there mouth. Some women has acids in their mouth.
So the fault is totally not from the men,is from the 2 parties involved but.
But men carry cup.
It's clearly correct but we must all learn
DeleteGbamuuuuuu ooooooooi!!!!
ReplyDeleteShebi I dey talk am here say make men know how to please their wives and dats d end of wahala for marriage........some amukumeko bastards begin dey shout okija wife eh okija wife eh like say Na dia oloriburuku self marry me give okija!!!
Men, for ur marriage to last, u have to calm down for your wives!!!
Exactly...they even forgot that the way they treat their wives now will determine how she will treat them at old age...
DeleteIf your husband is maltreating you,endure and show him pepper at old age simple!!...
U r so on point madam,yet ur comment shows hw uncouth u r. mehnnn who do you?
DeleteMke we go find and beg d person to release u.
I removed "Gb" from ur first line and the result got me laffin..
DeleteOkija wife,i like u....lmao
Chy chy so u like amu well well???
DeleteNa me like you pass sef!!!
Lol
Gbamest @ you have to calm down for your wives.
DeleteThat one no mean say you be mumu oh! a good woman will see it that you respect her opinion as well #fairness.
It's only 'oloriburuku ' women that will abuse such
Chysugar you are crazy I swear, hahahaha
Delete@anonymous 13:46,,Na ur mama do me ooooo, oya goan kill her!!!
Delete@Queen/Boss, True talk,I also told my sister dis/she is patiently waiting fo her horseband,2 get old.
DeleteOkija wiufe and the queen 1000 likes for your comments.
Delete@chy chy,, Na me love you pass oooooo!
Delete@odus.....na so oooo!!!
DeleteAbsolute nonsense. It is like saying a failure in a business bw a man and a woman is always the man's fault. Just like every accident is caused by the driver. Like you never heard of bursted tires, pulled ball joints and gallops on the highway. Such is life, it is never a bed of roses. Pleasing some women sometimes is like throwing money after bad money. I guess every married woman is perfect. There is only so much baggage a man can handle.
Deletegood to know
ReplyDelete#GODWIN™
Stella this is why alot of the ladies here are "aunty gwegwegwes".See the amount of feminists on ths on this blog!!!! Men dont want to marry a feminist!! Most of these chronicles are one sided. But fact is, its 70% the man's fault and 30% the woman's fault.
DeleteKing? I guess you are one of the guys that was brought up like a king abi? Oh boy life don change, dese ladies of today are not d same as there mamas so you better go retrain yourself on wat being a real man is before you can start expecting your wife to treat you like a real king,
DeleteBitter truth...
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of man that domestic violence happens to. Mar rage consists of two people. You both have to work. Full stop.
ReplyDeleteNigerian marriages typically mean a woman working to make,it work while the man stinks up the place with his horrible hygiene and stupid demands. This man is one of the few who understand that marriage is about 2 people working and walking together. Head of household is not a fluff title
Deletewow! don't i just want to give Mr. Z a kiss and a big hug for this well delivered, factual and straight-to-the-point write up.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless u and your union Mr. Z.
we dont have men on this blog. na small small boys we have. example Edreams, Efe
ReplyDeletelmao... me thinks the real men don't comment, they read postsnd flip through comments.
DeleteGod bless u Mr Z!
ReplyDeleteYou have spoken well.
is there a like button? some men only remember that they are the head when it comes to barking out commands.
ReplyDeleteMr Z,good points you have there.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is this,as soon as you rejoice or bask in your happiness... some people will try to pull you down...
Once you share your testimony,you become a target.. So the ones that have it so good crawl back into their shells to avoid being bullied.
You have good points,but some good men also end up with strange women that refused to understand the principles of marriage....
I pray for peace and unity in our homes...
God bless Nigeria.
Chai Iphie!!!!
DeleteYou are so full of wisdom
This your comment is so balanced.
Some good men end up with bad wives
Some good women end up with bad husbands.
A combi of a good man and good woman? 20% out of 100.
My sweerie poraro!
DeleteHis Opinion no doubt! The success of every marriage is in the hands of the TWO people involved in the union. It's a symbiotic relationship, it's 50/50. U do your part and the other does his! These days, we read a lot of crap online simply because almost everyone has got access to the Internet but it is up to you and I to sieve the information we get daily and do what is right.
ReplyDeleteOn this note, my dear Nigerian women, if you like, fold your hands and receive all this man has said, swallow it hook, line and sinker....... I await your chronicles in few months time
Yes you're right. It's a 50/50 thing. BUT the man, being the head and leader leads. Weather you men want to accept it or not, Women respond to what you dish out to them. Except you're married to a witch.
DeleteSome men are just TOO careless and un focused. They don't pay attention to the little things that tickle their women to go crazy for them.
If I notice that my man is careless about my feelings, first of all, I'm ruling out the fact that your claim of love is real. Some ladies withdraw, others fight/cry/complain while the rest give back.
It's in a man's hand to build the foundation of the kind of home he wants. Yes, the man is the foundation of the home, if not, God would have made EVE before ADAM. The woman is the pillar. She holds together whatever the man tries to build. A HELP-MEET, the Bible calls her.
Honey how many Nigerian do their part? How many really do their part. All women are not perfect but the break down you see is as a result of too many inactive husbands. You see too many married women married in name and nothing else. They feel relief when their husbands travel or live abroad. Our man are not marriage material, let us be honest. We have some good eggs but overall parents failed this generation of men.
DeleteNice write up mr z.men as u say,with their ego will refuse to see the point he is making here
ReplyDeleteOh... He is so correct.
ReplyDeleteChai! Why is everyone screaming that he's correct. I refuse to let my voice be swallowed so I must add my hugely contrasting opinion. Pls, Mr Z, your assertion is wrong! There are so many terrible women out there who are married to good men. I know of so many marriages where the women are the sole architect of the ensuing problems therein. These women are abusive (verbally and physically)...yes! I know a woman that takes her husband by his boxers for any tiny little issue and drags him round the house all bc he's a born again christian who has sworn never to beat his wife. She was maltreating her husband despite the fact that she had not secured her place in his home by birthing kids for him. There are women that are lazy and have refused to work, yet they are extravagant even in the midst of scarcity. A woman married into a family I know well enough used iron door protectors to crush the tibia (shin) bone of her mother-in-law. I dissected the story through and through and believe me, she was wrong in every way. There are men that stay in bars till 11:00pm bc their wives don't cook and yet, nag them to death. What about those that cheat on their husbands and infect him with STIs, or you think its just men. Any woman that doesn't have the fear of God before marriage can do anyth in marriage.
DeletePls, don't be deceived with these chronicles. Women complain and agitate a lot. Men don't, mostly because of their ego and bc its not in their nature. They endure silently, but honestly, some men pass through hell in marriages, esp those married to women that don't cook. I can agree if you say 60-70% of marital problems are generated by men, but definitely not all. This is my humble submission.
I kinda agree with the poster. Men learn how to treat ur wife and be in charge of ur home and everything will fall in place. Your wife will have every reason to be submissive!
ReplyDeleteGbam!
DeleteThey come with plenty pride and ego and expect a woman to submit to that. Very difficult If you ask me.
I disagree!
ReplyDeleteStrongly kwa!
Mr Z! you said it all
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it.
If only most men would listen.
I thank God for my baby.
He is an awesomestatic dude
In my next life and the life after that, II will always want my baby over and over again.
Godbless u boo
Godbless u for being you.
You are Simply amazing.
I LOVE U!!!!! All day, everyday!
Chaaaaai.
DeleteYou know what?
DeleteSome men watched their dads maltreat their mums they loved so much,so to them,if their mums went thru that,no woman will be exempted.
I drum it into my boys' ears,a woman should not be rough handled. Treat them as eggs.
Again,men,no matter how angry you are,do not scold your wife in your kids presence. It gives them ideas.
Thank you
Amen!
DeleteMajority of the time it's d men's fault but u can't say 100%, women also have their share of the blame at times, I know of a woman dat d husband worships n adore her like a queen, but he works outside d country n always come back home wen he is free, d wife visits too wen she wants to. But this woman is a chronic cheat n d man is nt aware, she is even sleeping wt one dry cleaner boy close to my house, u will see her pack her jeep outside. The guy is my friend so I knw everything...so ds kind of woman if d husband later finds out n d marriage ends, wud u also say it's d man's fault? The man is jst too nice, if nt for conscience n business minding sake I wud av find a way of letting him know. Useless woman! Even wt three lovely kids...mtcseew
ReplyDeleteMarriage failure is 100% the fault of men,like seriously ?Mr Z,you are wrong on this.mtcheeeeeew
ReplyDeletewell said buh even when some men try their utmost best,some women are just impossible..sheer bad luck and jezebels. a friend called me as early as 5 dis morning just cos he needed to talk 2someone,pour his heart out by asking to know what he did wrong to his wife of over 20yrs other dan love,care,pamper and spoil she n d kids silly yet she cheated on him in a well known estate fighting wit anoda married woman over a pastor that she was practically furnishing all his income on wenever he sends money from yankee..he wept over d fone like a baby for ova 5mins i was weak.its been over 7yrs since dier divorce and up till now still finds it difficult loving or trusting another.i still blive its a two way street.life is give and take.men are there to care,love,respect and provide 4their family and the rest falls on the females as mothers to ensures it sails smoothly. its just Gods grace i swear.u cant b too perfect or too good as a husband likewise as a wife!
ReplyDeleteAnd of all the people to call, you easily came to mind. Akuko uwa
DeleteYour friend married after 20 years calls YOU to talk about his marital issues. I see...
Delete@clara udeh....as much as I like u on dis blog.....biko leave another man family alone oooooooo!!!!
Delete@la katie,abeg ask o... Is dis nt sisi? Dat has fucked almst all d big men in lagos. Mama zara... No b adultery nd fornication pursue uncommot for husband house? U obviously r slpn wit d guy. Abeg my dear stp tryn to give advice ok? Always goin to clubs nd dancin like a foolish child. Diffrnt razz haircuts nd living a razz life,claimin interior decor while u use it ad a cover for d runs u do. Pls tke several seats b4 i open ur yansh.
DeleteLakatie...I almost asked u to chop kiss den I remembered u r someone's babe
DeleteSide chic and sugar daddy things.
DeleteI stopped reading wen I saw where u wrote dat d failure in marriages is 100% the fault of men. Keep deceiving urself.
ReplyDeleteMake I book space
ReplyDeletePlease Mrs Stella D. I need to talk to you.
ReplyDeletePlease help me to ask God why he has refused to deliver me. Why will it be one whirlwind to another. This pain is too much. Its just too much...
So u don't hav mouth again abi? Common go down and ask God urself
Deleteoh shattap Vickie thank you
DeleteVery well written Mr Zachary, unfortunately, I trust no man including you. Perhaps if you had mentioned you've been so many years married, ehen,maybe but you are still new in it so it's easy for you to write like this since you are still toasting your wife or still doing honeymoon. So you are still tryna impress her. Most Nigerian husbands are dictators, some wives accept them like that, the ones who can't, simply take a walk. Well, there are always exceptions to the rules, you hustle might be among the little percentage of the exceptions. Once again very articulate write up, please continually abide by it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYes. I believe u Mr Z. I know that's the problem most of the time. But men don't even know that they don't know what it means to be a man. Nor the fact that they need to know.
ReplyDeleteI partially agree with, but some women are evil, I pray ur own marriage will last, u are still too young in marriage to conclude that men are the problem, if ur wife is a Jezebel am sure ur language will change, I wish u good luck.
ReplyDeletebrilliant!your head dey there.hope u are reading this mr D tolotolo..nonsense
ReplyDeleteWell said
ReplyDeleteMen will definitely be accountable to God for the success or failure of their marriages. They have to know what it means to be the ' head '. Most of them don't. All they know is to cry Submit. Smh.
ReplyDeleteIn oda news, please visit my blog. There will be some shoki ahhhh for the 1st commenter. Just drop ur number below your comment. Pls help a sister out. Thanks
The blog is www.essieandzinny.wordpress.com. Thanks. Stella y u comot d blog name na? Helep my ministry abeg. No vex
DeleteWhat you failed to address here is that many men turned mean because their wives never appreciated their sacrifices. Women just complain that they are in pain but in truth, men are worse off in marriages. I can bet you that more than 50% of men in marriage are pre-hypertensive or hypertensive but they bear it. But because women love to cry out, they shout to the top of their voices . The truth is at the the first stage of most marriages, the men were nice and lovely and their wives thought the man must be a fool. Hence, most women decide to ride the man and then, the man realises that he is being taken for a ride and becomes mean and then, the woman cries. I agree that the foundation must be revisited to get to the solution of any marriage but women must come to terms with the fact that they can remote-control their husbands but before they achieve that, they must show him 150% loyalty and respect. Once you are able to do so, your husband will be your remote control because you must have made him happy and he will be your fool forever. But if you think you want power, sorry, you will suffer for the rest of your marriage. This is the truth
ReplyDeleteWat's ur definition of respect? Being a foot mat right?
DeleteStory of my life!!
DeleteStella, dis ur new app is cool . It's easy for me to comment. For over a year now I've bn unable to comment. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteAI-DEAREST
Tell them ooo biko. When you accept to make it work no matter what both the Man and woman, you will see it standing the test of time but umunwoke has grown to always hear "Leave him he's a man "and that statement is making them do anything and get away with it. Even our mothers will tell us "Endure my daughter it's men for you ,they are all the same" even when the man is behaving like a beast.
ReplyDeleteSo true
ReplyDeletethank u mr z. let me go back to d drawing board and teach my boys how to be men. *mea culpa* of telling dem 'u are a man'. i want their wives to thank me in future for raising dem well o.
ReplyDeletethank u mr z. let me go back to d drawing board and teach my boys how to be men. *mea culpa* of telling dem 'u are a man'. i want their wives to thank me in future for raising dem well o.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad ... I just saw a pic of a guy I never loved and his wife.
ReplyDeleteThis guy loved me so much and yet I never felt anything for him. When I found out about his marriage I felt very bad then I asked my self ... Do u love him? And I said No but he's a nice person!
... Donno why am still feeling bad about it though
You feel sad cos you are thinking you let a good guy slip through your fingers
DeleteHis wife is the reason for your emotions. You feel you would have been the one by his side if only you loved him like he loved you
You are only human.
I don't kno y it happens too! Immediately I married all d babes dat refused my advances became very sad. I heard of it from my friends. These are d same ppl dat said they neva felt anything 4 me. I wonder ooo.
DeleteThanks Bloglord... God bless you
DeleteI dont totally agree with u because what u have said is relative.
ReplyDeleteThere are women who never lets d man lead cos of her background and if things crumble, how is that the mans fault?
In as much as men might not be taught some things, i strongly also know that if you truky and geniunely love sm1, you will def try to be a better person.
But as sad as it is, alot of women these days think all they require 2 hv a good life is to be beautiful and so wen they get married, they feel the man shld b lucky cos she chose him over others cos beauty is most attractive to the vain minded.
Now, if u read most of the stories people send it, its almost impossible to nt notice the emphasis women place on their beauty eg he sleeps around even though am very beautiful and the likes...
Av been single 4 over a yr nt becos there arnt beautiful people but becos i value what is moost important and thats inner beauty. The same way a woman wants a God fearin man, so also a real man wants a woman with a good heart because at the end of the day, thats what count cos beauty fades away. Sm ppl r still fresh cos they hvnt had 2 take bus up and down...but once u have a few kids and d trying times u sef will know that beauty fades and then thats wen the real beauty of a woman shld set in and still keep her hubby attracted.
And stella, if you agree that frm the chronicles so far, there are 2 sides to a story. All we hear is 1 sided and if the other person and in cases where u have both sides then u can actually judge.
Mr Z...i do not totally agree with u because marriage and relationship involves 2 ppl and if those two are nt on d same page it will never work.
And ps dont even tell me a man is meant to bring his wife or make her be on d same page...truth is u can force a horse to d stream but u cant force it to drink water.
Mr z...ppl marry 4 diff reasons and as such theres always prb if u both dont marry 4 d same reason.
I will say thats the major cause of problems in todays marriages.
Alot of gals marry any man thats ready 2 settle down once d gal gets 2 a certain age, av been a victim myself but the truth is it will only cause prb.
See, u need 2 love sm1 madly 2 be able to spend d rest of ur life with d person ooo. Thats why theres no perseverance bcos on a gokd day, what u r meant to overlook will anger u except theres genuine love.
Sm ppl marry 4 money, so once d money stops or theres financial challenge then the center cant hold.
Personally, i have a prb with people that say i want sm1 thats ready 2 settle down. Reason bein that there r several reasons to settle down rangin frm kids, security, finance, hassle free sex, sm1 to support u etc.
But 4 me, am only gonna marry sm1 i live and compatible with. My parents hv been married 4 over 40yrs and i thats d kind i want. Theres ups and downs but nothing serious that wld warrant raisin voice, abuse, family meeting etc.
I rest my case (i don taya 2 type)
I like the part where you said people should marry for the same reason. But truthfully even love is not all that is needed. There are people with stronger minds and others that are softer.the problem is that men never accept they are wrong. Am still devising a strategy to nip this character in the bud.MEN NO ONE IS PERFECT. For heavens sake just accept you are wrong and we all move on rather than arguing and making a woman say things she didn't want to say and then you brand her foul mouthed. Gees
DeleteThe writer raised salient points which should be noted.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking about personal investment in knowledge as a single, attending seminars, reading instructional and motivational books which help to influence our thought process, culminating into belief, habit , character, which helps us to transform into the man and woman we become became in marriage.
Love is not the only criteria, other qualities come to play crucial roles in the course of the journey called marriage. The right foundation builds an enviable marriage.
Thank you, the arrogant one will not agreed.
ReplyDeleteYou all should know that this dude is new in marriage, dude should come back and tell us the same thing say in 20 years.
ReplyDeleteThank you miss truth, don't mind him. He only wrote to impress the women. Come back after 5 years and tell us how far. Some women are evil.
DeleteI've never believed that the success of a marriage is solely the chore of the woman. And I call it a chore because that is what it it when one person is doing all the work. For me it is 50 50, bcos no matter what the woman does, if her husband doesn't make an equal effort, the marriage would turn to housemates. Plz men, this your mentality of women are the ones that should make the marriage work is total BS. I'm a woman and I'm for 50 50. In fact 40 60. 60% effort from the man of the house. Yes you are the head of the family, start acting like one. Lovely write up.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about 100% but I do agree that a majority percentage of a marriage's failure falls on the man.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest reason is that most men are emotionally ill-equipped to be husbands, to share themselves with a woman and shoulder the responsibilities that come with being in a life-long partnership.
Particularly here in Africa, men still see wives as a property they purchased and not as an extension of themselves. Many don't see her as an individual with emotions and thoughts to be considered. She is just like the television in the living room, only able to speak and satisfy their sexual urge.
Trust me, if more men were willing to really partner with their wives, there'd be less infidelity among women and definitely less divorce.
It takes two to make the marriage work, as christians God gave the woman and Man charge in Ephesians 5v22-33 and I peter 3. both the man and woman has a role to play and if any of them deviate then there will be issue. Both the man and the woman has to know what marriage is before going into it and doing it the right way. This days people marry for the wrong reasons and that is why there are divorce everywhere. May God direct our parts we singles and help us to do it right in our marriages in Jesus Name Amen.
ReplyDeleteHis opinion.
ReplyDeleteYou are entitled to yur opinion. At the end of the day nobody went into a marriage with the hope of divorcing one day. Be very careful of what yu say or write. like yu said, yua still very recently married. Yua enjoying yur marriage and it's like everything yu asked for is what yua getting. Well, 5yrs down the line, I want to see if yu will write the same thing. Not every man was lucky of bn thought on how to treat a woman. Most of us copy our dads, uncles by observing them. At times yu will hear them, "majo iya e oo" meaning don't take after yur mum. Some women, no matter what yu do, yu can't satisfy them. Where did yu think they learned that from? Some women will inflict yu emotional abuse indirectly, psychological abuse, mental abuse, juju abuse and man will fight back with the only way he knew. The bible says if the foundation be destroyed what can the righteous do. Our society is failing us, our fathers some of them failed us and our mothers failed us. We need to change our mentality as a society. Yu can't blame a man solely. I have loads to say, examples by witness. It's a shame though. @dodo_36@live.com
ReplyDeleteSdk poster sound like a woman not man. I do not think the pace of the write up is that of a man rather a woman. If you are also a grown up man why not write your full name in what you believed why call your name Mr Z?
ReplyDeleteNext time please Man up and write your full name or blog name.
By the way are you married?
Have you lived with a woman before to know all marriage problems are 100% men's failure?
Such assumptions are very wrong and totally not true. If you are grown up you should know better.
Yes men have problems especially our Nigeria men all of us need re orientation if possible and we also need conference on how to live or treat a woman.
Our fathers failed us and did not teach us all those techniques as our mothers did to their daughters reasons why most men fail.
The ego thing about our men is just ignorance and lack of exposure because most marriage issues are things that can be handled with common sense.
For instance a man will buy property instead of putting up wife name as next of kin he will choose family members such actions i call it ignorance. Why marry a wife if your family is more important.
Ask naija guy if they give their wives head they will say why should they is nonsense but same guy want his wife to suck his dick 24/7 i call such attitude nonsense. If you can't give why do you want.
I can name a lot of loopholes about us men but that does not mean we are all to blame, you can say 60% mens fault and 40% women's fault.
I guess you have not seen bad wives who treat their good husbands badly a lot of them are out there so get your facts right and don't pray to meet the bad once. I feel being bad person both as a man or woman is an individual thing not because of sex of the person.
Alot of women in Africa and Nigeria in particular marry for wrong reasons mostly financial. Do you read single and mingle post where some ask for rich men with high demand? Some even write they want christian but forget to add they want good man knowing fully well that most bad marriage stories we read here are mostly from christian and muslim couples.
Do you read chronicles where some ladies who are dating normal guys ask if they can dish their normal guy who is just starting life as he is not rich for a richer guy who's already in their case? Such attitude is totally wrong. If everyone want rich man who will marry the poor once?
Most of our women marry for wrong reasons as most of them go into such marriages not because of good friendship or love they had with the guy they married but due to financial gain. Our parents should take the blame because they did bad job. Some parents push their daughters into marrying rich men to get out of poverty only for daughters to fall out of love later due to non compatibility/attention.
Women should learn to date/marry their friends not go into marriage because of what they can get out of it. Look out for a man with potential and hard working years to come he will make it forget "already made men".
Look for a man who's just starting life and start with him forget millionaire husband because most of them won't respect you as you know nothing about how they made their wealth so you have no say in the marriage most time.
Jay Moore,don't mind those niggas that don't admit they give their women head....na dem dey lick front and back sef...
DeleteQueen back kwa? Eww. Jay u should have a post for this comment. When you started, I thought you were going to blame women totally but you balanced it n even gave men d higher responsibility which is good. I feel the writer wrote this out of his emotional inclinations towards the women that are being abused on daily bases. It depends on the individual. A good man might end up with a nagging bitch n if the marriage fail, will u blame the man 100%? Same way a good woman might end up with a bad man which is most common as women want where it is made fully. Still I can't say that is the case all the time cos so.e women marry their childhood sweethearts n still the marriage fail n u hear her asking? What happened? Why did he change on me so fast? So different situations. Nobody is to blame totally. Each relationship should be treated differently. Mostly cos of individual differences.what works for Obi might not work for Akin.
DeleteHi-5 for your comment Jay Moore.
DeleteMarriages fail because marriage is obsolete. The conditions that made marriages work no longer exist. Before women depended on their husbands for their up keep. They had no choice but to endure. These days few women really need to depend on their husbands to survive so they see no reason to 'endure' their men's excesses. Bertrand Russell said whatever one takes into a marriage, be it love or hate, over time diminishes. That is to say if couples marry proclaiming love for each other, after a few years the love won't be the same. If a woman marries not liking her hussy so much, after some years, she would have developed some liking for her husband. The problem now is that women want to marry men they are 'crazy in love with' and when after some years the bubble burst, they will be on SDK blog to lament!
ReplyDeleteWell, true though
ReplyDeleteDude you are talking to Nigerian women who believe a woman is at fault if a marriage fails. You hear them saying the woman builds the home. Take this to Bella Naija not here. Stella is trying to create a balance but her audience still has a long way to go. Nigerian women believe they are the patron saints of marriage while the man is a baby. You wonder why we have men who do not know how to navigate through life. Mothers raising babies into bigger babies and fathers only present to eat food and drop money like that is what being the Head of 86th family is about. It is all a big mess.
ReplyDeleteDude you are talking to Nigerian women who believe a woman is at fault if a marriage fails. You hear them saying the woman builds the home. Take this to Bella Naija not here. Stella is trying to create a balance but her audience still has a long way to go. Nigerian women believe they are the patron saints of marriage while the man is a baby. You wonder why we have men who do not know how to navigate through life. Mothers raising babies into bigger babies and fathers only present to eat food and drop money like that is what being the Head of the family is about. It is all a big mess. Some women are evil yes as there are some excellent husbands. Shout out to them because they are breaking the mold. But a majority of Nigerian husbands are nightmares, plain and simple. Why would a Nigerian woman say it's normal for the man to cheat, shout and beat as per he is a man, and you know how men are. What is a Naija mans complaint? She nags and nagging just means his wife trying to help him because half of them get into shoddy deals, sleep around etc
ReplyDeleteYou know the average naija mom is an enabler who has so over pampered the boy child and she's looking for a second mother when it's time for him to get married. This needs to stop and mothers need to start doing better jobs. Whatever a man does in his marriage is what he takes from home growing up.
DeleteMarriage failure can be caused by both men and women and the success too lies in both hands, it takes two to tango!!!
ReplyDeleteI have discovered that when you show a lady true and sweet love, they always mess up, truly women love care, love, affection and the likes but in reality they hates it!
mostly, When a man show his woman how much he loves and adore her, when he calls every now and then, when he buys too much gifts, when he shower her sweet words, they start misbehaving and taking the man for a slave when they feel like queens!!!
It sound unbelievable but that's the truth, I discovered women love men who treat them bad, and would always stay with them, if not why will somebody on this blog yesterday tell us his man must beat her to enjoy sex, why are those women in all this chronicles haven't left their home? I can bet you that 90% of those who have sent in domestic violence or bad treatment chronicles who have been advised by BVs to leave their hubbies are still in that house, and many who have advised others to leave their men too are undergoing same treatment and are still there, some will still send chronicles everyday under different names and emails......
Both men and women has roles to play, even if the head is doing his part and the leg is bad, will there be happiness, the! most important thing first of all is to pray for a good partner who u can share ur heart with, someone who will be scared to hurt you, and everything will fall into place.
Most times women are the problems and I can bet you that 60% of men are not happy in their marriages but women are quick to scream, cry, nag and send chronicles but men are expected to keep quiet and solve problems without complaining.
Some women are also gold diggers and are lazy, u date a guy who beats u evrytime, treats u like rag but because of shawama,u marry him and u cry that he maltreats u wen he knows why you are staying with him and u want him to change overnight? OYO is ur case! after all shebi u said its better to cry inside a hummer, den continue crying na!!!
My advice in that, if you know u are not ready to tolerate, or go trough pain, if you want to always stay happy 100% then please DONT DARE MARRY!!!
I absolutely concur!! God bless ur soul, Mr.Z. How many men will come out and admit this? Most of them don't even see things this way. If Naija spoil, na who dem go blame? No be Buhari go chop all the insults? Will the blame be upon Nigerians? Same way, as men can claim to be the head of the home, the should also be gracious enough to accept the blame when things go awry in the marriage/home.
ReplyDeleteThat aside,There should be courses to teach men how to behave properly in their marriages biko because the kin things wey I dey hear/see, I no fit talk am..
Silent Observer
@Okijawife u how?...u see rope 4 my hand trace am 2 any man neck ni?..#icantshoutoh
ReplyDeleteHun.....no let us drag dis matter cos I like you wella,,,disassociate urself from the man and him family period!!!
DeleteOkija wife,hw do u expct her to eat nd send her daughter to sch? She lives off men nao.... She go hate u for d advice wey u jst gve o. Dat her skinny looking baby girl. She dsnt av time to takia of her na so so clubbin nd runs. Na nanny b her pikin mama. Oshi ko shi
Delete@anonymous 15.58...BITCH PLIZ..no let ogun solder dat ur eclipsed lips. at leaste u no blind.yes its the ever gallant "sisi tranz4mers",i comment wit an ID fear no go gree u show face naaa cos people de find u 2treat ur fcukup...amusu. abeg no b me sack u from ur clerk work oooh or say make ur mama use witch craft tie ur 36 yrs old self down!...no b my fault all ur supposed friends don dust dier slippers run cos u wreak of body/mouth odour,evil,diabolical,envious,jealousy and a foul lying mouth. mary ekpo change mayb God fit begin reason ur matter cos u obviously hate been told d truth. until den, u fit bgin get friends wey fit confide and hold u in high esteem. de ur lane abeg #BRTinz #igetbadmouthooh #doanyhowuseeanyhow
ReplyDeleteAbeg shut dat hole in ur head call a mouth nd seal d lower 1 temporarily. Stp slpn wit married men. Lettn dem cme to ur house nd meetn ur daughter..do u wnt her to end up a hoe like u? Well she has d traces of hoe alrdy. Anyway dear,jst an advice to u nd ur oskambo frnds dat go frm club to club nd well knwn to club bouncers. Get a life. Make ur sisi tran4mers real nd stp usn it as a cover for runs. Ur market don evn fall sef,too much sampling. Mo gbo moya,goin frm party to party to look for men wit dat ur ugly bisexual frnd lape. U guys reek of shit joor. Old aunty gwegwegwes. U left ur husband so u can b free to fuck,i hope u end well sha.
DeleteAhh!!! Anonymous oooooooooo!!!!
DeleteNgbo Clara, u allow men to come to ur house Wey you get female pikin??? Na wa oooo!!!
With these days oloriburuku men!!!!
Hian
@jaymoore u should stick to one liners ur epistle just sold u out ,I have a terrible pain in my head as a result ,like seriously u must be an olodo ,u know the type that was sent to sch but ended up eating ori eja during lecture time . Smh .
ReplyDelete@Mr Z, your write up is so on point. I think you are the 2nd man I've heard this assertion from. I attended a wedding about 17 yrs ago, I will never forget an Igbo man in the capacity of a pastor preached and said almost 80% of marital problems are caused by men. But God instituted marriage and He said AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH SO A MAN SHOULD LOVE HIS WIFE. Now, how did Christ loved the church He died for us even before we ever got to know Him and the sacrifice He made for us, so when we realize what He's done for us we respond to him without being pushed or coarse. That is how we are to respond to our men. But there are conditions and they must be right.
ReplyDeleteMen are bad. Men are bad. Yet all of you cannot wait to marry. Every Single n Mingle for SDK, una go carry una profiles full every where. Who is the fool? My solution is simple: I no wan marry. Bite me! After all woman go say I am bad because I carry my leg go find her wahala for marriage. Some of u wey dey comment.for SDK, sometimes I wonder who marry una put for house. Una bad mouth fit turn Aki and Pawpaw into Mike Tyson and Mayweather.
ReplyDeleteMr Z, 5 years from now, you will be singing another tune after your wife don rub pepper for your nyash. Enjoy it while it lasts.
U kuku no fit ever born cos of generational curses n witchcraft. So a 5yr old mata Don de giv u sleepless night. show face if u no De fear lapsyberry. U ugly mucheche n Saddist. However I n my diva friends choose 2live our glam lives u so envy or how i run my empire is totally our biz.its cos of ppl like u we must not fail. so nne d hustle is on 24/7 n bless God we de progress..if men drool after me,my biz.I date married men,my headache,dey foot my bills,NTORR GI DER!. sha do me 1 favor..Chop chicken and die.
ReplyDeleteBiagodi @Okijawife shebi na my house dem de com visit?..how she com de drink panadol 4 my headache biko kwa?...If only u sabi who u de join mouth put 4her matter, u go run dat ur husband urgent errand now. dis envious back stabber wey sleep with her sister husband..at 37 no job, man, friends or money. menopause lurking. isnt she already a walking corpse?..incase u no know,if Stellz no go mind,she sent in d write up on d smelling toto.no man fit stay wit dis okpo!..arusi. Ezi! uchu!.just no put mouth abeg.its 2 fighting. #3isacrowd
ReplyDeleteHi Mr. Z,
ReplyDeleteYoruba people will often say "the persons of questionable character have ruined the reputation of persons of good character". I understand the prevalence of the stories of doom about marriages but there are great marriages out there and their successes are reproducible. Anyway, let me focus on the subject matter:
My father was not the best example of a man and I determined as a child to correct the flaws I found in him and be a great husband and father - so I started learning early what to do and what not to do, studying the marriages of others, videos, books and learning to lean heavily on God - without whom the context of marriage is lost!
In almost a decade of marriage, I'd say I hadn't done badly - based on feedback from my wife and children: My children think I am the best daddy in the world (they actually used those words) and my wife sometimes gives me the impression I must have steps off a fairy tale book - and for those who think it might be about money, no I am your average employee who shops for clothing at the second hand market and whose salary doesn't run past the middle of the month.
I totally get it when you wanting to lay everything on the steps of the man - after all, everything they say rises and falls on leadership. As much as I agree that many men never learnt how to be real men, still laying 100% of the responsibility on men is so full of error, it will create as much troubles as it attempts to address.
Laying 100% of the responsibility of the failure (or success) of marriages on men is like saying when we mix a bucket of boiling hot water and a bucket of icy cold water, if the result isn't boiling water, then its the fault of the boiling water and if it ain't icy cold, then its the fault of the cold water! Haba! The mix of water is a good example because both parties bring influence into the marriage - and leadership is largely about influence. A man being 100% responsible suggests he is the soul source of influence, which isn't true. Yes, as a leader, he should take responsibility for all but he is not responsible for all.
Men are ultimately responsible and we need to learn to build our families with as much dedication as we build our businesses or careers. But there is no way women can be absolved of responsibility. What picture is conjured in your mind when you hear the Bible quot that says it is easier to live in the roof of a house than to stay with a contentious woman?
Good men already feel responsible for a whole lot, and hold themselves accountable for so much and we sometimes struggle with the feeling of inadequacy when our best efforts don't seem to deliver desired result. I beg you, don't make the plight of good men worse by trying to lay on even a greater burden than we already bare!!!
Haven said all this, I agree completely with Mr. Z from this angle - in a similar way that your GM holds your HOD responsible for your department's deliverable, so does God hold a man responsible for his household (not just marriage). So, as much as I think you shouldn't blame men exclusively for the failure of the home, if you as a man are responsible for the failure of your home by your actions or in-actions, you will answer to God. Men, please rise up to your calling as true men - as Adam was called to tend. Please tend your garden (your home) that your deliverable (wife and Children) may be good.
I'm in love with ur mind The Traveller... I think mothers should raise better Sons so that this cycle of bad husbands can stop. Otherwise our daughters may end up with untrained bad men too. Mother teach ur son and save a marriage. Zuma Beezle.
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with ur mind The Traveller... I think mothers should raise better Sons so that this cycle of bad husbands can stop. Otherwise our daughters may end up with untrained bad men too. Mother teach ur son and save a marriage. Zuma Beezle.
ReplyDelete