Stop looking back into how sweet or painful the past was....it is in the past,the future is what counts...well that is how i see it oh!
NARRATIVE NUMBER ONE
DATING VERSUS MARRIAGE DIFFICULTIES.
Dear Stella how are you doing? I have been following your blog for a while especially when it comes to marriage wahala! I have been married for 8 months and expecting my first child. My question is for the married couples. .. I have dated my husband for 8 years, it was all perfect... we went to the same school, tho he was in the main campus and I was in enugu campus.
We always visit during the weekend depends on who's free. And I used to have this mentality of #team marry your friend# OK let me fast forward, we finally got married and it seems like I don't even know this person. We fight and argue over every little thing. We don't say I love you no more because we are kinda so used to each other. My problem is that I preferred us when we still dating to being married.
I just wish I could change the hands of time, I wouldn't mind us being just in a relationship and still dating than being married and always fighting, arguing +in law's interfering. So my Question is for the married beautiful Sdk readers, is this how marriage is or is mine just different? Please I need your honest advice. Thanks Stella.
Marriage needs a few touches everyday.some people get married and relax thereby killing all the excitement.It takes the grace of God and the wisdom of Solomon to keep a marriage going.No marriage is perfect oh,whether you marry white blue or black and that is why i doff my hat for anyone couple who have been able to keep it and still going strong.
The things you used to do that excites him,please continue and discuss what has changed about him.If you married your friend,it shouldn't be difficult to get back on track.
Dating is easier becos it comes with little or no responsibility,Marriage is the real deal and only for those who are ready.
Work at yours....together.
..............................................................................................................
NARRATIVE NUMBER TWO
DISCUSSING THE PAST WITH NEW LE BOO.
Dearest Stella, thank you so much for this platform you have given us all to express ourselves and be of assistance to one another. For being a help from the "other" side.
I write with anger, sadness and happiness that I'm able to move on. It happened that I stumbled into my secondary school teacher and the memories I thought I had buried came crashing down on me. I started off in a private school(junior secondary) , but due to financial constraints, my dad couldn't see us through to completion in the private school, my brother and I. So we moved to a public school to start ss1, my mom had to look for help to put us through being that the session had already started, therein gave birth to my problem.
The man in question happened to be a relative of a neighbour in our then face-me-i-slap-you apartment. So he agreed to help and enrolled me and my brother in our different classes. I can't really remember vividly but I don't think it was up to month before he made advances. He didn't threaten to beat me, but I think the fear of disobeying your elders or that he was the one that helped fixed us in the school kind of affected me. I was about 13, he defiled me there on a table in his office. And just about every time he could lay his hands on me, I couldn't tell my mom because he made me not to, he made me have my first and second abortion because he wasn't using protection.what did I know.
This actually continued until I left the school, the memories haunted me until I had to put it behind or end up being depressed to hateful to men. Thinking about it now, I think the experience made me more slutty in my ways, but I thank God I've outgrown all that. Seeing him the other day, he was looking haggard and unkempt, and his first sentence was "see how grown you are now". I laughed and said thank God.
I am sharing this story for 2 reasons, I have never told my mom or anyone I've been in a relationship with this story, there's a worthy suitor in the wings, should I tell him this or not, I'm not good at sharing stuffs like this.
And 2, to the mothers out there, if I tell my mom this, she'll kill him, literally. But she was a very big business woman, barely had my time and being the only girl in the house and a rebellious one at that, I don't think she knew what to do with me. Please mothers and fathers, pay attention to your kids, kids can be a handful, but let them know they can trust you, then they can share anything with you, always pray for your kids, devils abound even inside the homes.
Excuse me?Do you need the receive SENSE PRAYER?!!
Please it is not necessary,you don't need to confess anything to Le boo abeg.
There are some things that should remain in the past,leave it there and thank God you do not carry deep bruises.I almost felt you enjoy the sex with the teacher cos of the abortions and the excuses you made.
Leave the past where it is and face the future my dear before you use your own hands to weave trouble around you.
Oh wait!.....you think confiding this stinking secret will increase the love?ORIEGWU!
Stella has said it all! Will b back to read comments.....
ReplyDeletePoster 2...am a bit confused,u just blamed ur "very big business woman" mother for being too busy to have ur time,I thought u just stated that the guy was helping u pay ur school fees nd ur brothers' too...if ur mom was a big woman like u stated,how come u had to seek help from a man that finally ended up using u??? I understand that sometimes parents are too busy to have time for their kids bh then u shouldn't blame ur mom for ur mistakes bcz am sure as hell u knew the consequences of what u were doing...u said he defiled u at 13 when u were barely in ss1 and then u had to opt of the relationship after school and I know it took about another 3yrs...am not here to judge u sugar bh I just feel 3yrs was a long time to hav held on to something u were not "enjoying" and am really sad that u had to blame part of this on ur mom..like u said she knew u to be a very stubborn child...its really not easy bringing up children so please don't blame it all on ur mom..u played a bigger role...my two cents tho!!!
Delete@ cindy
DeleteGbamest....something doesn't add up. And from her reaction when she saw her abuser after x amount of years and she was concerned about his looks......hmmmm... le sigh!!!
A million likes Cindy
DeleteIt's possible she had developed a bigger than life image of her abuser when this was happening and only God knows what she taught as time went on but seeing him in d present looking that horrible she must have subconsciously felt victorious hence her reaction. And he didn't pay their fees. She said he helped them possibly to secure admission into the public schools. Enjoying abuse? If it was that easy won't most victims have walked out of the situation eaflier? I don't agree o
DeletePple enjoy abuse esp whn they do it 4 a while n dnt confide in any1
DeleteI'm coming back
ReplyDelete*Larry was here*
@Poster1, love is missing in your marriage, please try to always look sexy and go out to romantic places with your husband, you need to spice up your marriage like your relationship.
Delete@Poster2, nawa for your experiences in secondary school, having 2 abortions and even your mum was not aware, women have so many works to do with their children, we should be more closer to them so that we will be their confidant. Above all, never try to tell him all your past, just say a little, and let the rest die, afterall he didn't meet you a virgin, some things are better left unsaid
*Larry was here*
P1: follow stella's advice
ReplyDeleteP2: Hhmmm your story just made me remember a lot about myself. Mother's need to be their children's best friend.
Stella, I think the reason why she wants to confess to bae is for him not to find out later ( which I doubt will happen) .
My dear just bury the past abeg.
How can her boyfriend find out? Poster 2 better not tell any man except u dnt have sense, husbands a use their wives with secrets the wife told dem how much more boyfriend
Deleteposter1....marriage is like that.you just have to sit and figure out what will make things better.but i assure you,it will fade if you work hard at it.if you dont,the arrival of the new baby will put more strains on your relationship(talking from experience)
ReplyDeleteposter2....i was in a similar situation but i was a lot younger without the abortion part..i told my husband,just for the fact that he prefers to know and he is a well trained and disciplined individual.if he was not who he is,trust me,i wont tell.it depends on the kind of person he is.
you guys take care.
@poster2 : don't ever tell your new boo or you will regret it.
ReplyDeleteHe isn't going to tell you his own secret, so y bothered.
Keep your mouth shut........the whole thing was in your past, your pass should remain your pass.
@poster1 : sorry, endure n work things out.
ReplyDeletePoster 1. Try to rekindle the flame in your marriage. Start a date night everyweek- you and husband dress up and eat out. Nothing fancy just having fun. Think of what you attracted to him in the first place. Talk to him. Tell him he's handsome and you love him soo much. Tell him how you feel. Focus your mind on his good qualities- the ones that led you to marry him. Above all, take it to God in prayer. Never go to bed angry at each other. Settle your feelings before sleeping. Start your say with God and tell your husband how much you appreciate him. It will all work out, dear.
DeletePoster 1 yes thats how marriage is. Its a getting to know each other innately kind of institution. Its ok. U guys will even things out eventually. Talking from 14 yrs experience. Poster 2 sorry for ur exp. But pls dont tell ur boo. I know they say share all but trust me its not always advisable. Especially when it comes to sexuality and naija men. They simply cant handle it and at the back of tgeir mind there is always a niggling doubt that u actually encouraged it. Since he doesnt know the man just move on. Maybe later when u guys r closer and uve studied him to know how he wiol take it u can tell him. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteP1; I'm in ur situation right now. No more love. Spark is gone.
ReplyDeleteP2; Stella did u miss d part where she said she was 13? u're so unbelievable. Dear poster, it's not necessary to bring it up. It may be used against u in future.
Doesn't mean she can't or didn't enjoy it.
DeleteAs in! What Stella said there is very stupid, and the reason why many victims would rather keep quiet. How can you say maybe she enjoyed it? That's a very very silly, insensitive thing to say. Someone is looking up to you to help her heal and you're here trying to make her feel worse about what she's been through. Your response to P2 is just a shame.
DeleteRegardless.
DeleteShe was molested.
Child abuse remains child abuse.
If u report every little thing to ur inlaws, they will interfere.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is a different ball game..
Two siblings quarrel n fight talkless of two. Strangers who decided to b H n W.
P2 ur mouth dey leak?
U can't keep a secret ba?
Wetin concern le boo with ur past?
Tell momma instead of boo that is if u r looking for who to talk to...or unless boo is mature...
Inshort don't tell him.
Always looking forward to ur comments dey r always epic
DeletePoster 1, Change is the only thing Constant In Life, and I strongly Believes In Communication In Any Relationship, Tnk God for My Parents they are More than 25yrs In Marriage and the Love is still There, U Can Do Better Dear, wish u all the Best.
ReplyDeletePoster 2, No Just Try hm, Abi u wan kill yourself By Yourself? Something Are Better Left Untold..
Let me sit and read comment
ReplyDelete@poster 2 remain mute 4eva....dts ur personal secret and I guess uve asked God for 4giveness
ReplyDeleteLol@remain mute 4eva
DeletePoster 1: Marriage doesn't work out itself, you and your spouse communally work it out deliberately and everyday.. don' t allow yourselves get used to each other but rather do those romantic things u guys used to do before you both got married. Marriage comes with great responsibilities but do not allow it mar those special moments. I hav been married to my friend for about 5 years now and I tell you we keep the excitement alive and we are much more in love now than then. That's the way God wants it to be. The paths of the Righteous shines brighter and brighter unto a perfect day. Please visit my blog www.mitchelleobatu.blogspot.com I have some helpful tips for your on how to keep d romance and the love aflame in marriage. Married life is beautiful especially when you are joined together in love and purpose...
ReplyDeleteStella, u are an insensitive bitch. Poster 2 was 13 when d abuse started. How can a kid enjoy sex??! R u out of Ur frigging mind?????? If u don't know what to say, use big padlock to lock ur kpomo lips!! Rubbish. If u like, post. Nonsense. If ass kissers like, type rubbish. Na Una way!
ReplyDeleteLol.
DeleteMy dear @ age 13 teens are already sensitive 2 dse things... mind u she was in ss1, do u knw wht teens her age do, abeg, @first she must have resented him n felt obligated 2 him but it continued 4 years n u thnk she didn't enjoy it... biko, poster 2, I thnk u should tell ur mom instead dt way if it comes up in d future, ur mum could defend saying u'd confided in her.
DeleteWait till you re in her shoes.....then you can come back n tell us how u enjoyed having sex with your teacher at 13.....
DeleteSome of you need a lock down on ur brains..
Poster 1: first year is usually crazy (not for everyone though). U need to work @it. Don't let bitterness and resentment Come IN. Forgive easily. Get a lot of good materials on marriage and read. God bless your marriage
ReplyDeletePoster 1...The problem is that most people think marriage is the same as dating....It isn't. let me use the word hunter and hunted. Your hubby was hunting for his prey' ..you when you were dating. He wanted to get you by any means possible. You really didn't have to fulfill any obligations then. But you're married now...he's finally gotten you. The chase has ended. Now you both have roles to play in the home. Husband to provide and love his wife and you to take care of the home and husband. Marriage has to be worked on by both parties for it to be enjoyed. And don't worry about whatever is happening now....The first year is usually a bit tough. You'll get through it.....And don't forget...communication is key. All the best sweetie.
ReplyDeleteposter 2...May God give you the grace and strength to overcome the abuse and unresolved issues. I'm not sure you should tell him though. You know your man better sha...but I think some things are better left unspoken. All the best dear
Poster 1- for the fact you married your friend ,you can still work it out ,marriage is full of up and downs ,fights ,arguments ,hatred and finally tolerance .one thing you must understand is the both of you are two different people from different background and upbringing that came to live together as one ,sometimes you pretend not to see somethings and somethings give him a mothers love ,like stella wisely stated is not about being black ,white or red ,all marriages have up and down ,but one have to come down for one to let peace reign ,give him his space sometimes and my dear the best way to keep your marriage is giving him a mothers love ,most men are big babies .wish you luck.
ReplyDeletePoster 2-somethings are better not said ,leave them in the past and look forward to your future,good-luck
Poster 1...The problem is that most people think marriage is the same as dating....It isn't. let me use the word hunter and hunted. Your hubby was hunting for his prey' ..you when you were dating. He wanted to get you by any means possible. You really didn't have to fulfill any obligations then. But you're married now...he's finally gotten you. The chase has ended. Now you both have roles to play in the home. Husband to provide and love his wife and you to take care of the home and husband. Marriage has to be worked on by both parties for it to be enjoyed. And don't worry about whatever is happening now....The first year is usually a bit tough. You'll get through it.....And don't forget...communication is key. All the best sweetie.
ReplyDeleteposter 2...May God give you the grace and strength to overcome the abuse and unresolved issues. I'm not sure you should tell him though. You know your man better sha...but I think some things are better left unspoken. All the best dear
Poster 2; don't just mention It to him. It's not necessary.
ReplyDeletePoster one
ReplyDeleteMarriage is usually so different from dating.
A lot of people have said the first 5years is usually the toughest..
I think the fact that both of you are waking up close to each other every morning now plus the fact that you are pregnant is making it more stressful..
You will be fine dear..
Always talk about issues when everywhere is calm without raising your voice..
While you are feeling all sorts of weak with scattered emotions due to your pregnancy,try and remember that your hubby equally is feeling "off" too.. am guessing this is your first pregnancy? It means it is a first experience for both of you... No Man is trained on how to handle a preggie wife(we come with different craze.lol).. things will definitely fall into place..
Having little fights does not mean you don't love each other anymore.. With time,there will be a balance. Don't involve 3rd parties dear.. You will be fine.
Poster two
I feel so sad for what you went through dear..I can never claim to know how you felt in those dark years...
Please I don't think any child ever enjoys molestation.. even if they enjoy the pleasure sex brings(for both boys and girls) it does not mean they wish it on themselves...
There is always guilt afterwards....And that guilt is worse than death. I have read extensively on Child Abuse.. and thank you poster for the advice to parents.. I try... infact I am too paranoid,am told. God help me!
Well,the decision to tell your spouse lies solely on you.. it is your past,and well behind you.
Will telling him about it make you feel any better? Will it take the pain away?
If you must tell right now...please go to your mom.
Thread wisely!
I just wish you can tell your mom and confront the sick man.. Just maybe,you will find closure.
Why do people always say THREAD for Christ sake. It's TREAD WISELY abeg.....
DeleteOnce you lose focus typing... these things can haPpen..
DeleteDoesn't mean you don't know one is for sewing,and the other refers to steps,walk
Next time,correct me nicely or you don't get a peep from me!!
For Christ sake ishi gi there.
It k
DeleteStella shut up! Just shut up! Jesus christ!
ReplyDeleteWhen will some men learn? To think they love their own mother and sisters but they treat other people's girls as they please. One day will be one day
ReplyDeletePoster one: let the married ones who married their friends they dated for long, stand up and tell us , how they ve cope
ReplyDeleteI am also interested
Poster 2: there are things you should carry to ur grave
Confess to The Lord and be free
Old things are past away and all things ve become new.
Cellotape ur lips together
*coped
Deletewell, poster 1, wether you marry your best friend or best enemy, marriage has its own peculiar challenges, as a matter of fact getting married to your best friend is meant to make the journey of marriage much easier, as in to help you get back on track whenever there is a challenge. Like me, i have always wanted to get married to friend, someone i can quarell with easily and still settle my differences with easily and i bless God it came to pass on. It all depends on you if you want your marriage to be interesting or not.
ReplyDeletePoster 2, am so sorry for what you had to go through when you were young, you will be fine ok? i think you should first forrgive yourself, if you do then you will realise theres no need of telling anyone about it anymore except God, just like Stella noted. Please move on already and let the past be what it is; past!
Oluwakemi
For the first narrative: I think u should sit and think of what you use to do with ur husband then boyfriend before u got married. Women are fond of not spicing up the relationship with husband after marriage for whatever reason. Plus I hope u are not jobless ooooo. Also sit and discuss with him. It's too early to be drifting apart joooor.
ReplyDeleteFor the second narrative : please tell him BUT with sense. I will advice you find a way to know his opinion about issues like that. 2. Are u both serious about the relationship as in you plan to marry and how matured is he? If ur answer is yes please tell him but present it like u were abused and cheated not you were in a relationship with the man ooooo.
I experienced something similar but told my then boyfriend who interestingly understood and infact helped me out of the bondage. We are happily married now and he has never said anything about my past to me. As a matter of fact he appreciated me for telling him.
One more thing, do you want to tell him because of the relationship or its a burden you need to let go? If it's to let go please tell him even if he decides to leave you for that who cares cos you will feel better. And don't pour all out ooooo ooooo ooooo ooooo and be ready to cry when you tell him. Good luck. Remember we all have a dark spot in our past.........
Poster 1: hmm I was having this conversation with a single Friend of mine! I dated my boo for 6.5years before we finally got married last year September and you see conversation we had before wedding was this is it no divorce no matter how bad it is we gotta work through it! Marriage is different because it becomes official there are things that my husband does that I always feel this is it I'm out why is marriage so much harder that's cause now it's signed sealed and documented! Please work through it try and do things that you used to do. Boo and I are very busy people, we work a lot but we try and do dinner dates once a month just to reconnect somehow... Good luck
ReplyDeletePoster 2: I will advice you to tell him, I was sexually abused when I was younger by different people although no sex but I always felt dirty, I became such a hard ass, conceded up became a tomboy, don't dress to expose myself so I don't get attention! Until I met my now husband I eventually told him and he felt protective of me, it didn't change anything he loves me...
Poster 2. Im also a victim so I know what you went through. I was depressed for years and never talked about it. I hated men for as long as I remember but it all changed when I met the love of my life and talked to him about it. There isn't real love until you can share your secrets and if he truly loves you he won't judge you and what he feels for you won't change.
ReplyDeleteSDK nobody likes to be taken advantage of so please don't judge.
Telling secrets don't increase love, pls note!
DeleteIn the next yrs to come, don't come with ur stories here.
Pls stop issuing bad advice
Poster1,want u should know is dat u r now married to him and not in friendship again,try and make ur marriage work.cos their is no perfect marriage.
ReplyDeleteN2 pls receive sense, I can't belv u said u av been in dis blog for long after hearing all d havocs spilling ur secrets had done to rships here and here u are asking same questions. Everybody av a secret, d man proposing to u didn't meet u a virgin so obviously, he knew someone had been dia b4 him, so u don't need to start telling him who had been dia, how many times and how he got dia, plan on ur future and stop dwelling in d past, stop allowing d past to hurt u, be happy. N1, just like Stella said, many ppl ignore dose tins de do while de re dating dt made dem so much happy and in love once de are married. Pls try and spice up ur marriage, n stop arguing with him, u must not win all arguments bc dts d main tin with women, de always want to be right, avoid such situation n say am sorry wen u are wrong. Have fun with ur spouse, be his gf again, stop acting all 'am married card now and shouldn't be doing dis or dt' He is ur husband, do dis or dt with him n see how it goes. Goodluck.
ReplyDeletePoster 1:listen to stellas adv.
ReplyDeletePoster2:shut ur trap abeg.
Takeout time to study ur husband very well,know his demerit and his merit.life in school or school friendship is different from marriage. All d best
ReplyDeletePoster 2. Abegi! No confess anytin shuo, you no wan marry?!
ReplyDeletePoster 1 & 2 ndo nu. This life... I don't know what to say
ReplyDeleteThis poster2,I don't trust her,she was sleeping with him out of consent and receiving favours from him!llie lie!sotey u did two abortions,if u didn't know anything,d pain of d first abortion is enuf to open ur eyes....abeg madam calm down!I am getting tired of all these I was a victiim chronicles' and u better don't tell ur new boo anything oo,cos his guess might be as gud as mine#rme#
ReplyDeletePostter1,first year of marriage is d hardest,just be patient,adjust and be prayerful.u will scale thru.
Queen bee thanks for dis comment. Don't mind those attacking stella. They are all talking like they don't know what these Lil open eye girls do in secondary schools. Is it not secondary sch girls fuck their "corper fine boy uncle" fetching water, cooking, cleaning et al just to have a piece of uncle's joystick?
DeleteMy dear fellow BVS no be today oh. Back in my secondary sch days, it was an all girls boarding school with a male principal. No see as this old ugly man dey dissect small girls oh. Infact he's entitled to the senior prefect and all the 3 deputy Senior prefect' pussy. As in its a done deal oh and the functionaries know first hand b4 vying for the posts.
You guys need to see the way the Sp and d DSP spend our school fees cos the principal gave them so much power to the extent of collecting our school fees. Imagine paying your school fees to the SP, and she takes out money from the bundle of money and sends you out to go buy stuff for from school shop.
There's a hospital very close to the school sef that was more or less like their abortion retainer hospital. Well make I stop here b4 I start naming names sha
Queen bee are u well? Are u o.k? U sound so uncouth & ignorant about poster 2. U need to receive sense. When an adult is having sex with a minor - it is abuse, whether the minor is enjoying it or not. Are u trying to compare the maturity & thinking capabilities of an adult with a child, a child that was obviously taken advantage of? Poster 2 does not even have to justify herself to anyone cos as far as I am concerned, at her age she was abused. Stella, ur comment shocked me. It is only in this part of the world that children will be blamed for being sexually abused. I heard a man say about one small girl that the girl is already used to sex, so does that justify her being abused at her age & absolve her abusers? Poster 2, I am sorry about ur experience. I know u are trying to sound brave, but I sense u ar still hurting, that is why u are still mentioning it. If ur man is understanding & genuine u shoud be able to share & unburden ur mind, if he is not, ar u sure he is for u? Will he stand by u when the chips ar down & d story spills in future. May Jesus fix u & heal u completely precious one.
DeleteReceive joy IJN
DeleteAnon 19:27
DeleteNobody said it wasn't abuse but poster 2 knew what she was doing was wrong and willing went through 2 abortions without any threats. The first pregnancy was her chance to have exposed the abuser. Me thinks she was getting monetary favour too.
God forgive all of you Stella, queen bee, 19:09 and 21:45. Wow I can't believe you said all that. In these days where even boys are molested, yall need to be careful.
DeletePoster 2: you had the first abortion and you still went back to collect raw prick. I feel that you have always been a slut, it wasn't the experience that made you a slut. At 13 you couldn't avoid the situation or tell someone about it. Not saying what the teacher did was right but you did noting to avoid it. Like stella said leave that experience in that past and move into the future.
ReplyDeleteYou ar so judgemental like queen bee, but u were not there, so u don't know what happened. Pls u people should condemn child abuse in its entirety & stop condoning abusers who give stupid excuses like the girl asked for it. So if u see a 12yr old prostitute, u will call her a slut & pass by abi. A man gave an excuse of raping a 2 year old girl, that he saw her sleeping with opened legs without her wearing pants and got aroused. Pls, pls stop blaming children or minors, receive sense & be like Jesus.
DeleteAbeg I was once a 13 year old myself and I have a 14 year old niece. The poster wrote"He didn't threaten to beat me". The abuse continued until she left secondary sch....so at 16 a girl who supposedly has done 2 abortions,still couldn't refuse her abuser's approaches. At 13 anybody looks at me inappropriately, let alone touches me.... I will sing like a bird.
DeleteMadam poster 1 welcome to marriage. Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener. The fact that you both dated 8 years is part of what is making your marriage boring. YES. 'See finish' syndrome is what is worrying both of you. You both should sit down and talk about it. There's no magic that makes marriage work. It lies with you both. You RESPECT him,,He LOVES you , and BOOM you'll see its working. Long relationship kills d joy in marriage. HO HA!
ReplyDeleteGbam
DeleteMadam poster...U should know things u do for love...sharing an ugly secret isn't one of them. Everyone has a story but if urs is made known u bcom d baddest. U better keep ur ugly secret to urself. The truth is pple only pretend to care Bt Dey don't.. they'll rather judge u. D only secret dats truly a secret is d one known to u alone.. so trust urself enof to keep it.
ReplyDeletePoster 1 what are the things you used to do together that you stopped. Talk this out and rekindle old love. Poster 2 let sleeping dogs sleep forever. Who cares anyways, every1 got a past. Just be the best mum to your kids.
ReplyDeleteUntil we Singles learn to be truthful to ourselves we deserve no sympathy.(e.g I hate men becos of my past experience, and yet you still fall head over hills over them and want a man to call your own).... lol. A childhood event you can't clear off your cache,be it wrongful download/hackers doing as a child,teen and early adult stage you wanna reinvest into your future! for same, okay sorry different MALE that molested you Hmmm no comment.
ReplyDeleteJust one advise dear. Learn how to audit yourself and trash out the cabbage that holds you back.
What's this one saying now #blank look
DeleteHeyi yaaa. Napkozie smoked oshogbo weed. Rotfl!
DeleteThere are some secret you confess, like how you steal meat for pot, but abortion hell NO, the moment there is delay in you getting pregnant, all eyes will be on you
ReplyDeletePoster 1: you guys have seen each other finish hence no respect no regards no boundaries.
ReplyDeleteSit back and reflect, if you can book a weekend getaway for you both where two of you alone can talk and iron out your issues. LISTEN To each other so you both can understand why the other is angry. If possible write a list one to 10 of things that annoy you then 1-20 on things you love about your spouse, it is not for both of you to quarrel over but so you can understand where you both are in the relationship.
Poster 2: You need therapy, if you leave in Lagos or any other major city please go to Federal psychiatric institute Yaba. It doesn't mean you are mad but you need to speak with someone who will offer you professional counseling and keep your confidentiality, we under estimate the power of mental help here but it's very necessary especially in cases like this.
You and your therapist will decide what ways to best heal
Poster 1:pls note u cannot compare marriage and dating.Why? Did you have any responsibilities then? No,then it was almost a case of living a lie,u are @ ur best to want to be the best for that woman.
ReplyDeleteA man seems more in love @ that time, y because he has no cares in the world.But now prolly after 8 yrs together n 3 kids see finish fit don enter.responsibilities,change in character,boredom,sidechics.now he ain't trying to impress u no more.I hope uv learnt something from this.Do not expect too much of what u already expect ud get hurt.
Poster 1 Talk to ur husband to find out the problem,and take it over to God.Poster 2:Forget the past as Stella says and move forward i dont think is adviceable to tell ur le boo,there some secrets that are best kept to oneself
ReplyDeleteLmao @ 'u tink confiding thus stinking secret will increase the love' poster 2 shine ur eyes o, shine am well well o. Leave the past where it is, it's better there. Will Lee boo tell u of his own dirty past? Hell no! So better hold ur tongue woman!
ReplyDeleteLADY IGO SAYS TO POSTER 1:
ReplyDeleteMARRIAGE IS BEAUTIFUL IF THE FOUNDATION IS SOLID . . .
We've said it in this forum a lot of times . . . married for more than a decade, known each other for close to a decade before marriage and all through by the grace of God, never argued; that is how it is. The question is not how long you dated but WHAT WAS HAPPENING DURING THE DATING . . . ?
Where you getting to know him in real discussions of real issues in marriage (e.g. financial management, in laws and their place, parenting, kid's schooling/family investments etc. etc.) Or were you busy learning and applying all the sex styles. If it is the later, even when couple date for a decade, all they know about each other is each other's nudity and sex style likes and not character.
I WILL SAY IS AGAIN; MARRIAGE IS BEAUTIFUL. MY HUSBAND STILL TELLS ME THAT: "I LOVE YOU" AND ABOVE ALL SHOWS IT. HE STILL TELLS ME THAT I'M BEAUTIFUL . . . HE STILL CALLS ME "MY GIRL", STILL TAKES ME ON LOVE DATES, COVENANT DATES ETC. Sex is sweeter than during our "honeymoon" . . . We can go on and on.
SOLUTION:
Take out time to fast (you can join my beautiful sisters going on 6-6m; if you are not pregnant) for say 7 days for a start and stop arguing. Ask the Lord to heal you home and he will. Confess everything that your heart condemns you of. My sister, you will win him over to you if you remain focused and diligent in prayers afterwards.
Let's tell THIS story:
I know a lady who was enduring beatings . She began to hate her husband of barely half a year. One day after she was told the truth; that her prayers (which she claimed to be praying for the repair of her marriage) was not going beyond her lips. . . for the scriptures says forgive us our sins as we forgive those you sinned against us. She resolved to persevere in love in the midst of hatred. The next time her husband beat her was the last time. Unlike formerly, she did not utter a word. She did not call anybody to report. She went into the room and lay down quietly on the bed. The man came in and lay besides her; no word. In the morning, she prepared his meals and helped him iron his clothes for work. . . after which she headed to the church and the floodgates of her tears were opened before the altar. The man came back before dismissal and was obviously troubled. She smiled (she have received strength; yes love to overcome her hater) and put his meals in place . . . but alas, the man could not eat anymore. Ma . . .(her name) tell me what happened . . ."nothing" was all the lady told him. The situation continued for two weeks; the man was confused . . . he couldn't predict his wife anymore. It was his own turn to cry and he wept like a baby . . . the lady rested him in her bosom and allowed him to cry, after which she told him; "this is what happened; what I do each time you beat me and go to work". The man admitted that he had endured the greatest torture of his life those two weeks . . .
"BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD." Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. (Romans twelve vs twenty)
LADY IGO WITH REGARDS.
Miss Gemini you feel you have mouth. Broke ass woman. Instead of you to say you could not afford better restaurant you are ranting about bad food. With your stock fish hubby. Both of you be like breakable plate. Anuofia
ReplyDeleteWhat r we saying warris dis one saying mtchewww
Delete@Anon 16:56 You are disgusting. Period
DeletePoster 1: your marriage is still very young, work on it.
ReplyDeletePoster 2: God said old things have passed away, so leave the past in the past.
Ovo or whatever your name is you are a real goat, u are a bitter woman always looking for holes in whatever stella says so could have a reason to insult her? Idiot at 13 yrs you are nearing puberty or even in puberty already so yes! She was enjoying the sex, it was never paining her, if it was paining paining her she wouldnt do the first abortion and still went back again to start having sex with man. Ewu!
ReplyDeleteMay God help you....May no 13 year old you know be molested and pregnant! you better say amen
DeleteYou were sexually very active at 13 and you came to lie that you were abused??? Do you guys really know wht abuse is? Everybody be claiming abuse. Nonsense! Tell your le boo now, and let's see how far. Except he doesnt have to decode.
ReplyDeletePoster 2, its not easy, but if you are both believers, please tell him, so that God will heal you both and bless you with kids.
ReplyDeletePoster 1, do those things, you used to do, while dating. Its not easy ooo, cos as a wife, more responsibility, house chores, career, academics, etc. God help you in Jesus name, Amen
Poster2 In as much ur case is a bit diff (u were molested) i don't think its rili necessary to tell. U can only find closure in God, coz only him can release u from whatever bondage u hv decided to wallow in.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience, had an abortion for some man and shortly after I met a seemingly good guy, he was all christianly n i decided to spill, he took it very well n was even happy that it shows am fertile.
Na so we kick d relationship oh, he was now talkin marriage sharp sharp, I was like oga calm down na...fastforward a bit he later came to "know" my parents coz we don't live in d same state. Days after he casually told me he had bin married b4 and I was shocked. In the end, things didn't work out he was rili acting funny n I knew he certainly wasn't worth my precious self, he began sending stinkers texts to my family telling them about the abortion. Thk God sef dey dint blv him coz he did lots of crazy things as well.
I'm a changed person now, given my life to Christ n certainly learned my lesson. I never see d kyn mumu luv wey go make me tell anoda person.
Hmnnnnn @ ppster 1 shiiit happens ooo my advice is to Tke sme time aprt 2 re-evaluate d marriage u guys r more like sibling nau dan lovers @ poster to it cud go either wayz buh b b sure to think thorougly b4 u tell r not tell him if u wnna tell him strt with smller secrets nd see d way he reacts coz it's crazy 1nce u spill d beans he may use it against uu oo in d future,or he may tend to love u more nd hld u in high esteem 4 being dat honest nd truthful.
ReplyDeleteA lot of us are soo quick to judge. No one in this life enjoys being abused. I was abused by my own uncle. For years I couldn't tell anyone. I found solace in God and that was how I became free. I really don't blame children that cant talk to their parents about things like that; its either they are never available or they wont believe instead they will beat the hell out of you. Its only the grace of God that will see us through this life.
ReplyDeleteNOBODY ENJOYS MOLESTATION....SHE WAS YOUNG AND HER INNOCENCE WAS STOLEN
ReplyDeleteLong relationships tho. No more spark,sex in once in a while. So boring I feel trapped. Story of my life.
ReplyDeleteI agree with anons 16:37 for poster 2. U need counselling, try to see a professional, most esp a good christian one. Also try to get closer to God, he will wash u clean & heal ur heart. I pray for you to have the best life possible & for u to end the cycle of abuse by paying close attention to ur kids & bringing them up in the way of the Lord. I also pray for u to marry a very undertanding, godfearing & generous & loving man IJN, amen. Take care of u.
ReplyDeletePoster 1, na really 'see finish' syndrom dey worry una. U need to be patient & try to figure out what is irritating u both. I think its a faze that will fizzle out if u hold on. Pls don't let go of ur appearance & try to find productive ways to make u happy & occupy ur time. Happiness comes from within & the funny thing is, it is infectious. Also, be a praying wife, it pays. It is well with u IJN, amen!
LADY IGO CONTINUES:
ReplyDeleteTO POSTER one: WENT THROUGH YOUR STORY AGAIN and saw that "you are expecting your first child" . . . you should not fast totally from food . . . What I did during my pregnancy was to eat more of fruits and vegetables during the day and a wholesome meal at night. I was very much alert to pray and able to control my emotions and did not gain so much baby fats and my doctors loved it. Labor was smoother etc. After birthing your baby, you can begin to learn to fast.
POSTER TWO:
YOUR STRENGTH COMES FROM FORGIVENESS . . .
You are preparing to get married; this is the best time to fast. Once married you may have 9 months journey immediately and you'd wish you did. JOIN THE LADIES WHO ARE FASTING 6-6PM DAILY DRINKING ONLY WATER FOR 7 DAYS; for the healing of their homes, their hearts etc. Your heart needs healing lady. It will be clearer to you what to do in the circumstances. Engage your fiance in active discussions about your anticipated new home.Get the scriptures ready and study it; the things to teach your kids so that they do not become "rebellious" like you. Some of the things to discuss (you can look up in bible concordance or google for the scriptures on these topics);
*parenting
*managing finance in a marriage
*family investments and tithing/giving
*taking care of ones parents in a marriage
*discipline and the kids
*etc.
These usually are the things that cause problems in marriages. If you get your notes and learn these things and share them with your spouse, you will save yourselves a lot of sorrows. Always remember that if any turbulence comes up in a marriage, the woman and the kids suffer the most. The man can get married again as soon as . . . it is usually the ladies that hurt and that is why our focus is on the ladies. It is the ladies too that bring up the kids and can make or mar the kids development.
A** courted her heartthrob and married within 2 years. It was a fairy tale wedding. Her husband during courtship worshiped the ground she walked on. There was no sex between them for it was A... that refused to "open legs". But her reasons were not because she wanted to be chaste or that she was a "virgin". She was brutally raped by a gang of seven cultist at school; for she dared refuse their "Capon's" advances. She never told anyone. She also aborted the baby that resulted from it. And hated men with passion since then.
After marriage for 2 months; no show. That was when A... knew that she had a problem and sought help. We met a lady who was "like stone"; emotionless and a deep seated pain in her eyes. One question gave her away, more from knowledge than from sight; "You were brutally raped?" A... broke down and wept and told the story in details . . . "I was kidnapped to their hideout . . .they tore me to shreds, used my under pants and stuffed my mouth . . .tied my legs and hands apart and took at least two turns each throughout the nights . . .as if that was not enough, they poured alcohol, possibly gin into the wound they had inflicted on my vagina. I thanked God it was not acid for that was my fear when they emptied it at first . . . and brought me out to the roadside totally nude . . . an old lady that lived nearby provided me with a wrapper . . ."
It was after telling her story and crying that her healing began. She fasted daily for a week; learning the word of God. And after than she began a lively sex life. . . and went on to have her babies.
"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you".
LADY IGO WITH REGARDS.
OMG! This broke me. ...I can't even imagine how that lady coped....Imagine years of pain and torture...God indeed heals all wound, and I pray everyone that has been through one for of abuse, finds healing...
DeletePlease explain the fast to me 6-6 ,no food for 7days just water.so one can drink water before 6am
Delete@ Poster 1... According To My Mum, Marriage Sometimes Loses Its Sweetness...Go To God Pray! Na Only God Fit Return Am.
ReplyDelete@ Poster 2, Life Is Not A Bed Of Roses These Things Happen... Thank God Things Didn't Degenerate For U... Sex Is Spiritual As Well...So Pray - I Believe U Still Have A Connection With Him - U Can Sense It. Prayer And Good Counselling Is The Way! Don't Tell Ur Fiance - Bad Idea, If God Wants Him To Know He Will Later.
You lot need to understand the mind of a child. Fear can make u do unimaginable things, let alone when a much older person with authority over u is involved.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way to justify chastising a 13 yr old for repeatedly falling prey to the antics of a much older man, especially when her mom does not have a strong presence in her life.
Stella, ur assumptions were sadly disappointing and highly flawed. U can't, under no circumstances, blame a child for being abused by an adult.
My dear second narrator, till you die never ever tell your husband about your past. It will oonly be used against you if you have a small argument not to talk of a fight. I am a living proof of that. My advice to you, confess it to God and if you feel like sharing it to feel better, dig a hole and tell it to the hole then cover it.
ReplyDeleteMy marriage has gone from bad to worse since I made the grievous mistake of my life. For me, marriage has a farce. Not the live happily ever after story I heard. Should have not gone ahead with the wedding if not for my mum that was preaching it will be a disgrace.
Wish you well with whatever decision you take. You are wearing the shoes and you know where it hurts.
hmmm...i keep seeing reasons to open my mouth in horror...how can you people just condemn the girl like that...poster 2 was 13,i don't know if you understand what it means to be 13, the previous year she was 12, i didn't even have breasts at 13...someone was molested and you open your mouths and say she enjoyed it, she's a slut, she's this...imagine if it was your child, shebinyou'll spit the same harsh words in her face and tell her she deserved it...hmph...you say/type hateful things today and reap the rewards tomorrow...
ReplyDeleteposter 2, you made a mistake, worse place you should send your problems to is a blog...they would tear at you and react in ways that would make the devil cover his eyes in shame...i know you probably feel worse but just let it go...they can say all they want but you know what happend, tell your mum if you feel you need someone to talk to but i advise you keep it to yourself...some mothers can shock you with their responses...i believe even if you came from someone or with people, the only person you can trust is yourself and God...may you find happiness
Dear lady Egor i want to join in this fast,and want you to explain the concept of this fasting to me ,i wake up daily 4am ,and when i wake up i do lemon warm water .am new to fasting and you said 6-6 meaning i can do my lemon warm water before 6am ,then when is 6pm i can eat food ,or is it no food for 7days just drinking water ,please explain to me clearly i want to start tomorrow ,because my heart needs cleansing and my relationship is on fire .thank you ,urgently waiting for your reply
ReplyDeleteI've always known Stella's underlying insensitivity towards rape victims and her response to Poster 2's story just validates that. The two most painful thing for me is that this poor victim who looked up to you will come back to read your insane reaction and feel far worse. She was a child at the time and it wasn't her fault.
ReplyDeleteThe second things is that as a result of your carefree and judgemental reply, some of your gullible readers have quickly jumped on the bandwagon and they agree with your psychotic conclusion. What a shame.
You owe the poster an apology and you should take down this post and do a proper post enlightening people that blaming a victim is wrong.
LADY IGO SAYS
ReplyDeleteTO THIS LADY (and the rest):
Anonymous said...
Dear lady Egor i want to join in this fast,and want you to explain the concept of this fasting to me ,i wake up daily 4am ,and when i wake up i do lemon warm water .am new to fasting and you said 6-6 meaning i can do my lemon warm water before 6am ,then when is 6pm i can eat food ,or is it no food for 7days just drinking water ,please explain to me clearly i want to start tomorrow ,because my heart needs cleansing and my relationship is on fire .thank you ,urgently waiting for your reply
10 May 2015 at 02:29
THE FAST: WHATEVER YOU EAT OR NOT EAT. FROM 6AM DO NOT TASTE ANYTHING ELSE (except water if you wish)TILL 6PM YOU THEN EAT YOUR MEALS.
HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND?
REGARDS.
Aunty Stella, I do not like your insinuation that she might have enjoyed the sex...Enjoy which mumu sex at 13? I am speaking from experience, she didnt tell anyone because of the fear of the unknown. In my case, I just bore everything, takking solace in when i return to boarding house (as my abuser was in the compound) and luckily, i was never preggers. Anyway dear, please do not share it with lee boo. Let it remain in the past. and like you, I have moved on and i pray i never ever meet that SOB or i might be guilty of murder
ReplyDeleteIf it was easy for people that were raped or abused to walk away or expose the person doing that do them,then there will be few cases of it or non at all.blaming her for what happened to her at a very tender age was not good.An age that was the beginning of adolescent,when girls start to re-discover themselves.
ReplyDeleteposter sorry that you passed through all these and thank God you are past it.Telling your husband is of a choice and will not change anything in your relationship.you didn't cause it and it was not your fault and does not determine who you are or what you will be in the relationship.
Poster 1: I dated my BF for 7 years and was sure we would marry. But we did not, and am so glad! He was a slimy liar,two timing baggar and his family always came first. My Darling Husband is the exact opposite. People you don't have to marry your school BF.
ReplyDeletePoster 2: Sorry for that issue. The goats that try to defile us as children usually never end well. I was fortunate to have my mum and dad around me as I grew up so no one had access. But I know how much fighting I had to do to remain intact till I was ready. Don't tell your man, it is in the past. Do not let him see you through those eyes.
#1 - Be patient and check yourself because marriage is different from friendship. Be wise.
ReplyDelete#2 You need Jesus and pray for forgiveness.
stella your comments are a big disappointment sometimes.....enjoy what? at 13? what are u smoking? mschweeeeeeeeeeeeeew
ReplyDelete