Nigerian Marriages .

Marriage topics are very sensitive and no two people have the same story even though they might be happy with what they settled for.....

You will have to read the article below sent in by a blog visitor to state your opinion...

''Dear Stella 

I want to address a couple of issues about  marriages in the Nigerian society today. Please I would appreciate it if you could use your forum to reach out to people.

 While it is nice that most of us now  agree that domestic violence is not to be tolerated, I am disturbed by  a number of issues.

Victim blaming, aka he must have beaten you before marriage or there must have been  signs and you ignored them because you wanted to get married.

People really need to stop saying this, while it is somewhat true that an abusive relationship does not just  happen,many times, being manipulative means you show a different side in an effort to lure your victims, many abusers are charming people and prefer to hit there partners in secret. 

Many women(and men) suffer in silence because they are have been threatened to keep the situation to themselves. We need to stop with victim blaming. It takes a lot to get out of the situations especially if there are children involved. We need to be  more encouraging.

 It is because you are a housewife.

First of all, why is housewife now a derogatory term in Nigeria?

A woman who is married to a man, who puts his family first above all, should have no fears as they are a working unit. While I understand that in these harsh economic times, two paying jobs are better than one, i sincerely believe that a home is better off when there is one parent(father or mother) available to attend to the  well being of the kids. 

Please, do not  get me  wrong, I believe  in a woman's right  to choose, if you want to work, please, aim for the zenith of your career, if your  family  can afford it and you want to stay at home  with  your  kids, by  all means do. Half of the problems in our  society is the lack of proper care  and moral training in kids by absentee parents. Let's not even delve into the sexual  and physical molestation of kids by nannies, drivers, 'uncles' and 'aunties'.

A problem with being a housewife/homemaker or even stay at home  mom is finance. Many of these women are suddenly  lost, if for some reason, the  husband is suddenly unavailable. Like the cases where the  husband dies and his family swoops in. Why and how this  still happens in Nigeria, I don't know. I was on a plane once in very bad turbulence, and a man began to shout that if he dies, his children will suffer because his  wife doesn't know where all his documents are. 

I couldn't help thinking, 'wait.. you need  turbulence to tell you you need to make plans for your  wife and kids in case  something  happens to you?'

My husband was telling me recently about  a colleague of his that told him he made his brother next of kin because if he dies, his wife will remarry and his money cannot go to another man. But what about your  children sir? Do you really believe that your brother will take care of the  kids you leave behind more than their mother?

we have all seen situations  where these kids are suddenly out on the streets because their father's family shares all he left behind, have we asked ourselves why it was easy  for them to get their hands on his things.

Nigerian men, please make plans for your family while you are ALIVE. Tell your wives your passwords, account details or leave it somewhere that she can access it if something  happens.

Now, back to domestic violence; all sorts of people suffer this( not just housewives). It  has nothing to do with your financial status or your werey setting. Marriage is hard, especially in the beginning, and sometimes it is easier for our men who haven't been taught better to resort to hitting their wives. I always ask, how many men slap their bosses at work out of frustration? 

So if you are a woman, getting ready to send Stella a ' I don't know what  to do, I have no money and cant take care of the  children', do this-

1. make a plan to better your self

2. stick to it- going to school, starting small business, diverting part of soup money to another account

3. remove your self from the situation ASAP.

4. Regain your confidence.. You deserve better.

In conclusion, like many of you, I am tired of reading all the sad stories about marriages, and I wanted to let any young ladies out there know that there are good men. The thing is are you asking the right questions, have you found out his stance on religion, or raising children, have you asked him what he thinks a woman's place in the home is? 

Will his mother have more rights than you because she told him she laboured for 26 hours and almost  died? If he has 20Naira today, does he use half of it for something responsible like pay his bills, save some for the future and maybe treat you to something nice. Some girls get carried away by the man who splurges all of his money on them. Marriage is not a Hollywood movie, you have kids and soon he doesn't want to be saddled by responsibilities, he wants to be free.

Please do not  settle for less.

 I hear people ask all the time, what do women want?(from men)

 The  answer is security.

 We want to be secure in your  love, to be secure financially, to be  secure from your extended family, to be secure from other women. To feel safe. All the time. With  you.

Who you marry is one of the most important decisions of your life. 'Fall' in love wisely. 

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