Stella Dimoko Korkus.com: MARRIAGE ISNT FOR YOU....

Advertisement

Sunday, November 10, 2013

MARRIAGE ISNT FOR YOU....




Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends.
I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

47 comments:

  1. Well written. Just as I learn to be selfless with my man. God help us all esp women to love and men not to cheat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tired of all this love and marriage stories ooo lets talk about the good things in being a gigolo and runs girl.... thank me later

      Delete
  2. Off topic,someone should tell Chika Ike to stop copying Mercy Johnson,she can never be like Mercy, just saw a picture of where she acted as a bike woman,she looks like an ugly man and she can't act like Mercy. Mercy we miss you, don't go o

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeez!!LOL!na wa for bad belle oo, infact this one is no longer on the bad belle level, this is pure hating, get well soon.

      Delete
    2. Dis one no b hating na mumubof d highest order. Mercy give una something chop? Na wa ooo .

      Delete
  3. Not everytime o!!! Trust me dere are some callous ppl on dis earth! No matter how much 'love' u pour out to dem, dey'll take u for granted and even label u a mugu! So now tell me, if i am makin it all abt d other person, but d other person isnt reciprocatin, how long do i contine? 1yr? 5yrs? Forever? I'm sorry but i disagree with this. In a perfect world, this writeup would totally apply but the world aint perfect dear! U cant tell me to make it all abt d oda person whilee d oda person isnt doin the same. Nice writeup tho.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear, the ONLY prayer I can pray right now is for God to give u d strength and ability to FORGIVE! That's d only way u can see clearly thru dis writeup and get the message! *sigh*#nigerians#smh

      Delete
    2. Totally agree with you. True in a perfect world but the world ain't perfect, and if you don't look out for yourself sometimes no one will look out for you!

      Visit koolblend.blogspot.com for true life stories you can't afford to miss.

      Delete
    3. I know right. My husband read the article and sent it to me about a month ago.He then asked what I tot of it.I was like "nothing".he asked why and my answer was simple "his marriage is less than 2yrs" How can sum1 who's only been married for 2yrs want to give advice? He's still in lala land.He shuld come back in 10yrs and tell us how he really feels.By then he would hv learned that sometimes in a marriage "you" just have to be selfish and look out for "u".When you are the best "u" is when you can be a great spouse.

      Delete
    4. U re a wise woman

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Haba! Ur heart nah STONE?!!!

      Delete
    2. I beg to disagree with the writers focal point on practical grounds.

      First from the biblical theory, Jesus preached that we love our neighbors as ourselves.. right? NOT more than our selves, not before ourselves, and not without FIRST loving ourselves.

      You cannot love someone without first loving yourself, which may be termed as 'selfish' in marital laws. If someone is to be a part of your life eternally, and perhaps you have succeeded in loving yourself first, all round, it won't be hard at all to extend such love to your partner...it'll come naturally. It'll compliment what u share.

      And if according to the writer's ideology, you perhaps choose to ALWAYS and in ALL ways love the other and think of their well being, just for the sake of having a 'successful marriage', if the marriage is all about them and NOT u too, before long the heart will go weary. Being passive is not the rudiment to having a successful marriage. It should be 'interactive'..but physically and emotionally.

      Yes the writers theorem will work effectively when it concerns sharing of tangible stuffs like monies, time..etc. You can be selfless with giving ur spouse money or buying them stuffs that u haven't even bought for yourself. You can spend quality time with ur partner even if it means that u will inconvenience yourself. When u do this, You would have put them first irrespective of ur personal needs or desires. This in fact will work perfectly. But it cannot be same with matters of the heart...in this case MARRIAGE and LOVE

      We all say, "I love you more than my life"..."I love you more than my family"...etc. This will appear to be true ONLY when u are still dating. Once u get married and start to live together, it would be a matter of time before the true innate 'selfish' characteristics that is within every human being will start to take its tow. That is when you'll often hear.."I thot u said you love me more than yourself, why did u do this or that".

      Let's be true to ourself for the sake of posterity. Yes passionate love exists absolutely. I enjoy one myself. And yes it can be said of some couples that ""oh, she loves her husband more than herself"... But only from a distance. Live with them to understand their operand, and you'll agree that yes, she loves her hubby truly, but by extension. And that is bcos She FIRST loved herself so much, and then hubby enjoys same by extension.

      Perhaps 'sacrifice to enjoy marriage' would have sufficed the writers analogy, as opposed to "marriage is not for you...but for your partner". My 2cents tho.

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Nah write up to teach u about love!

      Delete
  6. True stuff but not easy. But funny if what you feel for your partner is 'true love' you would definately find yourself doing the things this write up suggests. That's d power of love in its true form but again how many of us can boast of that.#sad face#
    Eka

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautiful piece. Truly inspirational... Xxx

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love this.. This is rilly great

    ReplyDelete
  9. This write up literally broke my heart. Dear ladies, I understand dat u might have been brutally hurt by a silly guy who was tu immature to value ur love. Plz forgive him(or dem as d case may be lol) and move forward! For then and ONLY then will u ever find who will truely love u! Yea! I know coz I am speaking from experience! Much love! Dear writer of dis piece- THANK YOU for teaching me! God Bless You! #phew#

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its difficult to let go,especially when u truely loved and meant well. Its almost 2years now and i havent been able to forgive my baby dad, but the anger keeps growing daily. Its even worse cos he is not even repentant and i cant see myself in a relationship , cant even stand the tot if being involved with someone cos that wordnlove doesnt exist.

      Delete
  10. Preach!God help us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This piece is so indicting,I pass,because how can it be about another's happiness?what about me?I am married for 3yrs,but I am so in love with another,i think maybe marriage isn't for me because it seem my emotions might fail me along the way,It's not my fault I want what I want and I wish I could have it...this person I love,the feeling is mutual and d connection is both spiritual and deep,he must be my soulmate.
    Cuss me all u you like,you can't understand cos I too dont.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nice write up from a sensible person. Unfortunately, the world is filled with The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Getting married to people who aren't as selfless as they appear to be can probably kill you in future. Some people, men and women, appear wayward, but are TOTALLY selfless. While some appear so cool, but beneath that charade is a well of selfish, self centered character. Marry for love, but always look before you leap. God Bless.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Take several seats....na today?!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Stella, with all these crazy stories about Nigerian men using their wives for boxing practice, how can you post nonsense like this? All about the person you married? What kind of foolishness is this? Imagine that it was a woman that wrote this and not a man, would you feel the same way about this foolish, crazy write-up?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nice ilike, your Dad must be a very wise Man, something in me tells me that this poster read that DV post and felt bad and realised he hasn't been following Daddy's advice,Fact or Opinion?hehehe silly me"
    But Serzly if the Man as well as the Woman can have this in mind that :"marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy" the world will be a very happy place with happy homes and Children.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I wish my husband can read ds n unstd. Hes so selfish. Its always abt hm. He makes me cry every now n den evn doh am preg he dsnt evn care wat it cud do to me or de baby. Yet he wil profess de whole world to me yet hs actions kip sayin diff. I really wish i can turn bak de hands of tym.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are we married to the Same guy?
      Cos you just described my husband.

      Delete
    2. Are ur hubbys my wife's twin?? OMGWTF!

      Delete
  17. Replies
    1. I feel u jare!!!!!

      Delete
    2. Love gba ko oku, love always ends in hate.

      Delete
  18. Stella, you for at least give credit to the guy that wrote this article originally na! Ahn ann! Plagiarism of the highest order!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous i too know,if you check the story very well you will see where i linked it up to the guy who wrote the story,try to educate yourself on how links work on websites and stop yarnng dust abeg..what do you even know about what you are talking about?
    abeg go sleep jorrrrrrrr

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stella take time.

      Delete
    2. Stella is blunt and I love her :)

      Delete
  20. nice writeups,just d way an feeling right now abt my fiancee IV alyz been thinking abt my self,but he keep advicing I shouldn't let my fear over shadow my faith,

    ReplyDelete
  21. nice writeups,just d way an feeling right now abt my fiancee IV alyz been thinking abt my self,but he keep advicing I shouldn't let my fear over shadow my faith,

    ReplyDelete
  22. nice writeups,just d way an feeling right now abt my fiancee IV alyz been thinking abt my self,but he keep advicing I shouldn't let my fear over shadow my faith,

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anon 4.00pm....
    1.Why call the write-up a crazy one?
    2.Some Nig men beat their wives but not all.
    3.The write-up talks about what marriage shld be like ordinarily.
    4.You can apply it to your marriage or ignore it.
    5.Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I've sent this link to my husband.
    He is the most selfish human being in the worldand I regret the day I met him.
    Ive sha sent the link. I doubt if it will change him.
    He wil prob reply with the 'who gave the guy the rights to say all that, or what makes him right'

    ReplyDelete
  25. Awwww bless ur story sounds like mine , met at 15 married at 27 , one kid , 2yrs marriage! We are both selfless , I thank God everyday for us!
    One thing tho u have to love ur self b4 u can genuinely love someone else!

    ReplyDelete
  26. This is where most people get it wrong. Firstly, someone who has been married for 2 years can show someone who has been married for 30 the way to go. Secondly, sending the link to ur spouse is an act of selfishness in its own right. How do u expect things to change when u keep pushing them negatively. P.S. I am a married woman. And they don't come any more stubborn than me. With my bubbly even though we were fr ends a long time and dated forever when we got married it was a totally different ball game. It became the war of wills. It lead to a bitter wife and an oh so selfish husband. I decided to protect my feelings and become even harder. But you know what? That had the exact opposite effect. Things spiraled out of control till I felt I couldn't take one more second of this prison called marriage. But little by little, I began to change things about. I decided to drop all expectations. Stop expecting him to know what to do. Stop expecting him to care. Stop expecting him to be less selfish. Just keep trying to love him. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. Everyday is work in progress. But u know what? It worked! Little by little he is becoming the man I knew he was and I've never been happier. Take what u want from this, but believe me when I say complete love means being selfless. After all despite our many sins, God keeps forgiving us and he says to forgive 77x77 times (and that's in a day)! Having a forgiving heart is the key to selflessness. Travel light and u will go far. Good luck y'all. Marriage ain't for babies oh!

    ReplyDelete
  27. As for me, I've no issue with being selfless in marriage but is he willing to be selfless towards me too?

    Most Nigerian marriages are one way traffic; one person is doing the effort to tolerate, sacrifice and so on while the other just dey sidon dey flex and do and he/she feels like. What won't the other get tired and frustrated?

    Most African marriages are PARASITIC!!!!
    #my opinion#

    ReplyDelete
  28. mtchew, who needs ur opinion.Last time i checked, there r two different entities and good actresses holding their own forte

    ReplyDelete
  29. @ ykiluminating you are an imbecile we are just tired of ur rubbish comments

    ReplyDelete

Disclaimer: Comments And Opinions On Any Part Of This Website Are Opinions Of The Blog Commenters Or Anonymous Persons And They Do Not Represent The Opinion Of StellaDimokoKorkus.com

Pictures and culled stories posted on this site are given credit and if a story is yours but credited to the wrong source,Please contact Stelladimokokorkus.com and corrections will be made..

If you have a complaint or a story,Please Contact StellaDimokoKorkus.com Via

Sdimokokorkus@gmail.com
Mobile Phone +4915210724141