Hmmmmm....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
UNGRATEFUL FAMILY TIES
When my aunt gave birth to a baby girl while still in secondary school, their mother agreed that my mum, who was already married at the time, would take care of the child while my aunt continued her education.
The little girl came to live with us when she was just three years old. Most people assumed she was my biological sister, as my mum treated her like her own daughter, giving her all the love and care she deserved.
After I got married, my father passed away, and I was pregnant with my first child. My mum and I agreed that the girl, my cousin, would come stay with me to help during that time. She moved in and, although she had gained admission to university, financial constraints delayed her start. However, by God's grace, she was able to begin her studies the following year. I supported her fully through her education, covering all her needs.
Unfortunately, my marriage broke down after four years, and I moved back to my mum's house with my two children. Meanwhile, my cousin had completed her university education and was now doing her youth service.
Despite all the help I had given her, she hardly contributed to the household. I asked her to help out with a monthly contribution for the upkeep of the house, but she refused. Although she wasn't a big eater, I told her not to take food from the house unless she contributed, so she started buying her own provisions.
She works twice a week and helps out with the shop on the other days. My daughter is very close to her.
Last night, she informed me that she would be moving out to stay at the NYSC lounge ....
I was shocked. She’s choosing to leave because I asked her to contribute to the household, despite everything I've done for her, including supporting her education.
I can't help but feel hurt by this decision. After all the sacrifices I made for her, is this not a form of ingratitude? What should I do now?
Please what is all this? Yes, she may have turned out ungrateful but she is an adult and needs to move on with her life...You already told her not to eat, so let er move out before you ask her to pay rent...Let her go and try not to be so angry...You expected too much from her and that is why you are so annoyed...were you helping her to help you back? Come on1...Let her be and let her go!
What do you do now? YOU DO NOTHING!!!
Sorry poster, i actually feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteNo one prays to raise a child and then he/she turns an ingrate. Pls focus on your children and let her be.
You ve done your best! And it was good enough.
Let her go! If she cannot contribute in the place she’s staying for the running of the house, she’s just something else.
ReplyDeleteLet her go and stay in the NYSC lodge and see if she won’t spend even more there. Don’t even try to stop her or feel guilty in anyway.
If things are exactly as you’ve described, you did nothing wrong
Allowee is 33k. What is left to contribute to?? She even stays in shop to help her out on the days she’s free
DeleteWhat should you do now? Allow her leave.
ReplyDeleteSorom juo oh 🤷
DeleteYou are becoming a parasite and so entitled, and am sure that's what contributed to her leaving the house for you.
ReplyDeleteNext time, engage her politely and not coerce her, just because of what you claimed to have done for her in the past.
DOZZYBEST.
Hmmmm, my dear poster that girl is not up to carry a responsibility for crying out loud although when I was with my Anty I do contribute no matter how small Sha but everybody doesn't have that conscience though, your problem here is beacause you put your mind that she will help, how? she just left school and you didn't allow her to settle, because of this your rush she has misunderstood you already, and she has decided to leave please allow her for the sake of peace to reign . you made the mistake by expecting from her just because you helped but is too early then, again is not a must that someone you helped must help back God can use another person to do that ok to avoid feeling heartbroken.
ReplyDeleteIf men were God only God knows what will have become of men,aunt you have received all your reward over her so let her go and plan her life without you,
ReplyDelete"She moved in and, although she had gained admission to university, financial constraints delayed her start"
ReplyDeleteI knew someone who said something similar but it turned out she wanted to keep her sister around till she birthed all her babies. She didn't trust house helps and didn't want them in her house. Not saying your case is like that but the girl may have felt that way the real reason you kept her back and not financial constrain considering you needed help with your newborn at the time. She may have felt you wanted her to stay back and be a nanny to your baby for one year?
You helped her through school but she was also helpful with your kids. Why are you acting like she gave you nothing in return? She also helps out in your shop helping you to save cost of paying for a sales girl still you demands she pay for her food and I am sure she still helps out with your two kids and do some house chores and run errands at home.
If she was your daughter you would tell her to help out with monthly contribution from her small nysc salary?
Please free the girl and let her move out. She already supports in every other way but you are not appreciative and still want her to be dropping money out of her small nysc salary.
You have taken all the comments I wanted to type from my mouth. This is well said.
DeleteYou've said it all 👍
DeleteGod bless you for this comment.
Well said, but you forgot the other side that poster is a single mother.
DeleteThis is one aspect of single motherhood.
When some women tarry and hang in (especially where there is no DV) some of us on this blog shame them and tag them or are blatantly advised to move out of the marriage as if it is all rosy outside.
When Poster, Miss Corper and Poster's husband were all under a marital roof, the issue of contribution did not come up. Instead the Miss Corper's school expenses were fully paid or contributed to by Poster's husband and, well, by Poster.
Poster, The options are clear:
Call her back and explain at a sisterly level that you need for her to contribute because you really NEED it and not as pay back.
Or let her go trusting that you and your children will adjust.
Meanwhile, explore peaceable means to get the father of your children to meet bills. The times are hard. Forget all the public show by some women of going alone without the fathers of their children. If you hear the private stories behind some public glory tales, you will know
Anon 16:20, being a single mother doesn't justify the Poster's actions.
DeleteHow could she be so mean to tell the girl not to eat in the house anymore?
Who does that?
Not everybody will repay your kindness only God that is why the bible says do everything as unto God.
ReplyDeleteWith your narrative i belive you might have kept letting her know her history. You might have sang the song of how your mom took her in for her mom to continue her education, a mo ru yin(we know una type) and now you have done same and it's payback time.
ReplyDeleteAs una carry her at three years una for kukuma tell her say once she start to see period she would start to pay una back.
So if she was your direct junior sister this is what you would have done! You are now entitled.
Let this girl love you unconditionally, let her do what she has to do for you from her heart. You are making it look like it's trade by barter.
Dear Poster, It's natural to feel hurt by your cousin's decision, given the sacrifices you've made for her.......Your feelings of hurt and disappointment are understandable but don't allow it to ruin all your good deeds you have done......
ReplyDeleteI will advise that you have a calm and honest conversation with her to express your feelings and understand her perspective. She might be seeking independence, and her actions may not necessarily reflect ingratitude.
Reflect on whether your expectations of her were realistic......Respect her decision to move out.....Focus on the positives—her success is partly due to your family which you all should be proud of......
All the best....
I keep emphasizing on the importance of treating people well knowing full well that you are extending such good treatment to yourself directly or indirectly.
ReplyDeletePls did you omit the way your must have treated her while she was at your house? Or when she was at your mom's house?
Tell us the whole story pls.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Hasn't the poor lady already rendered "acts of service" to you and your family all this while? You assisted her, but you can't pretend she hasn't been of help to you and your family in her own way.
ReplyDeleteYou only talked about what you have done for her but seem to forget that over the years she would have also been there for you. She stayed in your house for a year helping you take care of your baby, cooking, cleaning, and running errands, if I am correct. Even whenever she was on holiday until she graduated, she probably came over to your place to help you out at home and in your shop, relieving you of household stress.
You wrote the only time she goes to work now is twice a week, which means the remaining days are spent in the shop, and I am sure when she is at home, she runs errands too, helps with your kids' welfare, and carries out household chores.
Thanks to her presence, you do not need a house help or a shop attendant whom you would need to pay a monthly salary. I am not disregarding the fact that you helped her, but you should acknowledge that she wasn't useless to you either.
Why are you in a hurry to make her assist you financially at this premature stage? How much do they get paid, those youth corps members? Or hasn't she been helpful at all?
I am sure there are times she would spoil your kids as a big sister out of her small salary. Why don't you draw from those few moments and understand she would pay it forward someday in the future? You already said she likes your girls and they are very close to her. You helped her today, and who knows, they may need her help tomorrow.
Dear poster, I see where you're coming from, but it's too early to decide if your cousin is ingratitude.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned having issues with her because she's not contributing to the household expenses. Did she react negatively or disrespectfully when you discussed this with her?
If she didn't respond badly, it's possible she's not a bad person and doesn't have bad intentions.
Her leaving might just be an attempt to avoid further conflict. Maybe she couldn't contribute because she doesn't have the means to do so. Letting her go could be the best option for everyone's peace of mind.
Or are you worried about who will care for the kids and the shop if she leaves? If that's the case, you need to talk with her.
If you want her to stay, try having an open conversation with her. She's an adult, and discussing these issues respectfully might help resolve the situation.
Oh dear
ReplyDeleteLet her go if she wants to go
Please, understand that everything you did ,you did for God not her .Only God will reward and repay. Please look unto Him as your source He alone is the God of provision .
It's not personal and do not take it personally. Many young people are like that and will do things that are shocking, as an adult it is her choice to move out if she wants to. You also do not know if God has spoken to her and tell her to move on. Also, remember that your cousin's life has not been smooth, it's been constantly full of disruption and perhaps she has taken on the same spirit of disruption and upheavals. Send her off in peace and wish her well, pray for her safety and success. The same you wish for her and speak of her is the same that will be given to your children by others, so be very careful of what you choose to think and speak about her. Since her life started out on a rocky path, pray for a smooth finish for her and show her love, whether you agree to her choices or not.
ReplyDeleteJust free her she will learn her lesson else where, being a latest graduate is till shacking her, very soon all the facade will fade and the real picture she shall see. Just free her poster. Omo buruku ni ojo ti e.
ReplyDeleteNa wa o. This is what happens when you do something for people because you expect that someday they will pay you back instead of doing it cos you want to. Let the young women breathe pls. She can’t be your slave as that’s what it looks like you want. I’m also sure you didn’t tell us the full story sef. Pls rest and let the girl move on with her life.
ReplyDeleteLets always help without expecting anything in return. If we have this mindset no one will feel disappointed if those we help do not reciprocate. I always have this mindset that everybody has the tendency to f**k up and when it happens I don't feel disappointed.
ReplyDeleteShe's human and its normal so please move on.
My mentality: Do your best, Expect the worst, but be grateful for little gains, above all keep an open mind.
ReplyDeletePoster, I don’t think you did the best in this situation, you would have come to ask for opinions here before you asked her to contribute to house upkeep.
ReplyDeleteShe stays in your shop (or your mom’s shop) 3-4 times a week, that’s her own contribution. I don’t know but I don’t think you would tell your own biological child to contribute money on top of the time she’s contributing, in addition you asked her not to eat at home if she doesn’t bring money, truthfully you treated her as a stranger. She’s a young girl living in her grandma’s house, make una no use family load kill am. How much is allawee kwanu? I can’t imagine my mom or dad asking me as a corp member earning 40k years ago to contribute to family upkeep by force, though I used to give money or buy things randomly but nobody depended on my money for anything.
Let’s assume things are very difficult for you, I believe there’s a way you could have approached her as her sister to explain to her how her financial contribution will go a long way to help. Not mandating her and then asking her not to eat at home. It’s good she is moving out. You didn’t do it right.
I did not address this in my comment but I felt a sense of othering from the tone of the BV. After all, she is family but the tone doesn't feel loving and family like, it felt like she was talking about a stranger or some young teen sent from the village to be househelp. It did not feel good and perhaps I may be wrong, but I get the sense that you picked up on it too.
DeleteAs much as I have personal needs, I do not want money or the lack of it to transform me into someone ugly. Love can and always be found no matter the financial needs and pressures in life. I hope the poster put love first.
She helping in the shop on days she doesn’t go to work should be enough to appease you na. Don’t worry, now that she’s gone, you’ll value her worth when you try to find who will assist you with the kids and at home then you’ll know you also were not appreciative of your cousin
ReplyDeletePoster your own dey your body abeg. When you gave birth she came to live with you to assist you. She’s still assisting you by being your shop girl and I’m sure nanny. You said she eats little so what more do you want from her?
ReplyDeleteYou contributed to her education, don’t even strangers do that for people. You don’t see her as a family, you just want to use her. I truly wish her the best.