Saturday In House Gists...

Saturday in house News right on time!

 GIST 1
APROKO IS MY HUBBY

 Hello my fellow B.Vs, my gist goes thus;

 There's a dude who recently moved into my hostel in Benbo,  his room is next to mine. He's fond of bringing in different girls to pass the night. 

 I and my room mate usually wake up in the middle of the night to the loud moans of ecstasy. And when the dude is about to come, he'll go like ''eewo eewo,  Jesus! am coming o'' and a loud grunt usually follows. 

My room mate and I would wake up early in the morning, sit by the door mouth waiting for the dude and the girl to come out,  and we'll start screaming ''eewo eewo,  Jesus!  am coming o". And you' ll see embarrassment written on the face of which ever girl he brought in that night, while some of the other girls just dont care. I became friends with one of the girls, and she told me how small he is, and how she asked him if he was already inside her the first time they had sex, and how she would moan a lot so he'd cum and get off her.  *nor mind me joor, aproko is my hobby*

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GIST 2

I AM THIEF TELL ME SHAME

Back then in primary school, there was this girl (a classmate) Esther who always brought huge sums of money for lunch.. She would bring from 20-50 naira which of course was a huge sum for a child as lunch money back in the day...So Esther being a not-so-bright student, would sit with me during tests and exams and even have me do assignments for her after which she would compensate me with lunch. We didn't know Esther was a maid becoz no one would have suspected a maid attending a private school with her Mistress's children. 

On this faithful day, her Mistress came to report to school mgt that Esther had been stealing from her. Esther was made to confess what, who and where she had been spending the stolen money.. Unfortunately I was named as an accomplice since I shared in the money.. After doling out several strokes of the cane on us, we were asked to go from class to class stand in front of the pupils and say ' I am a thief tell me shame'... 

Mehn!!! I was gonna die, because our parents had already been invited to the school and I knew what fate awaits me at home, but this, was too much, but then we didn't have a choice so we went from class to class saying 'I am a thief tell me Shame' and the children bellowed 'shaaaaaaaaaaay'.... I couldn't have felt more humiliated. I begged momsi to change my school after that ordeal but she refused. Till I was done with high school as I also went there after primary, my name was 'I am a thief tell me Shame'

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GIST 3

THE JOGGING DOG

‎I don come again ooooo,una dey wonder who be dis abi. Before I proceed with my gist for dis week,make I salute una EKU In house Gist oooo.

I remember anoda gist wey I wan nack una, 

Na so I luk myself for mirror con decide say,make I shed small weight,maybe I fit increase my shelf value,as I get small flesh for body. Plus size abi wetin una dey call am, wait ooo,e be like say I dey hear aunty gwegs from the sdk audience.

 Abeg I dey fit and kampe even better pass lepa self. (I don abuse myself before una do)hehehehe.

Back to the gist, so I decided to dey jog every Morning around 5am  round our street like 3 or 4 times or as d spirit leads. I Come send some one make she help me buy canvass. Na so she buy me dis canvass wey get light. After all na early morning things before any body come out. Okay nau jogging has been successful for about a month without any issues.

As usual i start my jogging dat morning, jog pass the nite watchman,greet am.i never take more 3 steps before I sight sometin for road.blood of Jesus.i pause luk luk luk,becos it was still dark.fear catch me,wetin be dis.

I turn back go meet baba nite watch. Baba follow me,he con see say na dog say make I dey go.i say no ooo ‎.baba help me chase the dog. Na so I continue my journey.i dont know what made me turn ,only for me  to see the dog following me.if I stop the dog also stops,if I jog the dog jogs.

see wahala and it was coming really close to me.(immediately I remember,say one mad dog dey the area dat eats chicken and goats)oh my God,oh my God,i don die today,come see as I picked race con dey shout "baba olode e gba mi oooooo,aja lo le mi oooo, iku reeeeeee oooo" " baba nite watch pls help me na dog dey chase me,na death dey follow me so oooo"'. And the dog too was chasing me madly. I ran past baba nite watch,con dey shout as I near my house "e si ilekun sile oooo emi lagbaja ni, aja digbolugi yen lo le mi booo" "open door for me na me lagbaja, that mad dog dey chase me". 

I would have given blade runner,a run for his money that morning. Next day I dashed the canvass(wey get light) out to a neighbour son(becos I learnt it was what attracted the dog). And the fear of that dog no make me jog for morning again before the dog go still recognise me.‎That episode ended my jogging career.its been 490 days since I did early morning jogging.i no fit shout. 

Make I sign out.

Signing out SDK-LY

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GIST 4

JUDAS

We were preparing to travel to village on Christmas day 2004, in

excitement, everyone was rushing and so was I, I hurriedly put on my

special Christmas jean and as I wanted to zip up, my telletuby(aka

DIKE) stood on the way and ZAP!!! I couldn't even get myself to shout

and I was too happy to cry. 

Tears were just uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks, although the pains was too much, my tears was more because of the heartbreak. Of all my trousers, why will my special Christmas jean be the Judas..

Sooooo Heartbreaking.

Well, I didn't actually learn my lesson, it was the next year 2005

that I did, one Friday afternoon my mum came home from her shop and

told me to Escort her to the market, I hurriedly washed me feet and

followed her, I couldn't risk going inside to change and maybe put On

boxers cos I was afraid that one of my sibling will snatch the offer

away from me because then escorting my mum to the market means Sprite

and Buns for you. After buying everything we needed in the market

including the sprite and Buns(Oh God bless you Mum) she had some extra

cash and decided to get me a jean trouser, after deciding to buy 1

nice EnVogue  jean, my mum said I should test it, as I wanted to pull

down the baggy combat 3 quarter jean I was wearing, I remembered I had

no boxers ON, I cried within me but because of the love I had for the

trouser, I was ready to strip down for it not minding my age mates

(M&F) who were around but then again I remembered last Christmas when

my favourite jean betrayed me, if there should be any accident again,

the zip on this new jean can make a man impotent or maybe cause

prostrate cancer(citations needed).

Knowing that my mum will never agree to buy you a jean without it

properly tested, I just told her Mummy lets go, Just use that money to

buy me 1 dozen of boxers.

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GIST 5

Past tense gbaguan

Good afternoon house, this my story happened some years back in Unilag. 

So it was the beginning of a new session and students where posted to their hostels, meaning new roommates etc. But this particular year, most of the girls on my floor where graduates of queens college  yaba, they call themselves "QC OG"( meaning Queens college old girls).

 This babes can form tush ehnnnn and most of them sausy, na so one day we dey bathroom dey line up for water to bath, from nowhere, one cockroach run pass our midst kon see as girls they stamp their feet to kill am, as we dey attempt na so the cockroach they dribble us from one person to another and na so we dey shout, 'Kill it' 'kill it' 'kill it'.... From behind Titi one of the QC OG girls just stamped her foot "Gbammm" on the cockroach and screamed " have kelt it" Chisosss.... See laugh, anyone who gbagaun from that on was called a QC OG.

    

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GIST 6

THE WEDDING

This happened in my 4th year in Unilag when i was in Makama hostel with a bunch of friends. There were these 2 girls amongst us who were arch-rivals. Let me just name them April and June . They always tried 2 out-do each other in everything and i mean everythiiiing. 

These included clothes, shoes, Jewelry,men they dated, bra, pant etc. One day april invited us for a wedding but she didnt invite June in order 2 spite her. April told us that the wedding was between a Nollywood and Ghollywood celeb. My friends and i went shopping 4 expensive dresses because of this wedding. 

In anticipation of this wedding, my friends and i couldnt eat b4 going 4 this high society wedding. When we finally got 2 d venue of d wedding, we asked April if she was sure that it was the venue of the wedding. She said it appears so, even though it became obvious that this wasnt the high class wedding that

we anticipated. We decided not 2 judge a book by its cover. when we entered inside wedding hall, that eerie feeling we had initially was justified. Indeed, the couple were Nollywood and Gollywood actors but it was very far from a high class wedding, the wooden bench we sat on throughout the ceremony was testament to that fact. 

The rice they shared didnt reach our side but when we caught a glimpse of the rice, we no vex. Infact far be it from me 2 ridicule this wedding further than this. Aprils boyfriend tried 2 overcompensate for this f#*k up by taking us to a nice eatery after the wedding. 

In the eatery, april made all of us swear on our lives that we wont tell june about how effed up the wedding was. When we went back to d hostel, we had to manufacture lies when june asked us about the souvenirs from the wedding. The moral of the story is that......just laugh jare, you sef dey find moral of story