Saturday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gists UNEDITED....I hope this makes you laugh and brightens your day.
Thats all in the gists folder,hopefully more comes in for tomorrow and if not the votes cast here will be your final votes,however with your ID,you can change your mind if you want to...I enjoyed all the jokes but i cannot vote..lol

GIST 1
THE DAY I GOT DRUNK

Back then while trying to blend in by trying alcohol with my friends this happened.... After taking some few bottles at my place with my friends we decided to visit another friend nearby so on getting there he offered more drinks and I told my close friend (in pidgin language) guy I no fit drink again I don reach my red zone the other guys insisted we must drink because it was a naming ceremony so I reluctantly took a glass full na there my problem start....everybody begin double for my eyes na him I tell my guy say I dey don move the guy no send me na him I comot..

My house was a trek able distance so I decided to trek, the road begin double for my eyes com dy change like maze wey dey reshuffle na him I pursue come calculate how I go take waka reach house wey I no go fall for gutter so I decided to work in the middle of the road it was late thank God so okada and cars no too plenty..

Na him I waka Michael Jackson moon walk style in the middle of the road if person see me him go think say I dey find something for ground becos as I dey waka the gutter come they expand for my eyes so i need to look critically before i place each step, I manage reach my junction to branch enter my street na war becos my head heavy like say I carry bags of cement after attempting and practicing for like 5 minute I come turn enter my street,my people I manage enter house lie down for bed na him bed begin float for my eyes fear catch me I come down lie down for ground carry leg up hoping the bed go land no way na him I get up e come be like say na all my property for house they float sharpenly I stagger upon my door come use speed close the door from outside before things for my room go float outside...

I no no how but thank God the next morning by 6am I wake up inside gutter wey dey in front of our compound my luck be say na dry season and the gutter no dirt chai! After all the moon walk na gutter I still land shame no gree me tell my friends the full story.. Na that day I drink last...drink no good for light heads o..now I can laugh about it Lol

...........................................................................................................

GIST 2

INHALER

             
This happened to me sometimes last year, December to be precise. I school in Benin republic and you all would have heard the stories behind crossing the seme border. I have to rush to the bank to withdraw money at the border, on getting to the border I realised I had forgotten my school ID-card, I couldn't go back and I knew I had to cross the border. I crossed successfully and was at the bank for more than 2 hours without success in withdrawing (bank service problem). 

       We were told to come back the second day and I had to cross d border back and I remembered this is always the difficult part, I had less than 2 thousand cefa with me and told myself I wasn't ready to part with any. I bought a white handkerchief, I crossed the Nigerian immigration side and was asked for my ID card, "by then I had started breathing faster than normal" told them I forgot it in school and that I'm asthmatic but I forgot my inhaler in school. 

They allowed me to pass, but getting to the Benin immigration side I wasn't allowed to cross neither was I ready to drop any cash for them. I was told to go back to Nigeria or bring money, after pleading and begging for about 30 minutes to deaf ears I decided to act fast. 

        Suddenly a trailer full of sand was crossing the border and the trailer erupted dust, I immediately fell on the ground and I started acting like someone under asthma attack, they didn't take me serious till I started gasping for breath, acting like I was fighting for my life. Suddenly I was crowded and they started asking what happened I explained and they had to rush to the nearest chemist and bought me ventolin and inhaler (I have asthma patients as friends, so I knew had to use the inhaler) after inhaling two puffs I started acting normal gradually. I was taking back to school in an official car and was warned never to walk without my inhaler.

        Whenever I'm crossing the border now I'm always asked of my inhaler rather than my passport or student ID card.


............................................................................................................

GIST 3

DEAD MAN IS ALIVE

Okay so here goes my own gist. I presently work in a hospital and we have recorded a few amount of mortality (death cases). So on this particular day, I was on night duty and two other nurses and a man died from a rare heart condition. 

This man wasn't the nicest patient that we’ve had but we tried to be nice to him seeing nurses are supposed to but we never liked him a bit. So the night he passed (died), I and my colleagues were gisting in the reception and then we started talking about ghosts and spirits… 


I have never seen a ghost before but I watch Nollywood well. Some minutes later, NEPA took the light and one of us just said 'Imagine this man should wake up now and starts killing us one by one'. It wasn't a very funny joke but we all laughed. In my hospital, once NEPA takes the light, the nurses are supposed to go round the ward to turn on the lamp before the generator comes on. 

As we all stood up to start off our lamping journey, we just saw a man standing at the corridor. Before I could say JACK SPARROW, I noticed the air beside me blew swiftly…like a bird flew by my side on high speed. I turned back and I saw all my colleagues running towards the door and one of the nurses is fat but she was the one I saw infront. I started running and peeing on my body at the same time. I heard one of the nurses say 'Egbami o... Jesu mo ro go...Ta lo ran mi n se o' (Help me o… Jesus I am in trouble… who sent me message?).. As we looked back, the man was running with us on high speed too. We ran out of the gate like mad people and the man was still running. I thought I was going to die. I thought of all the things I have done bad in the past. 


I saw my life flash before my eyes.  I decided to stop only for me to see our security guard run past me and was running ahead. I looked back and realized the man at the corridor was the security guard. Apparently, he came in through the back door to change the light after turning on the gen. That night wasn't funny. We laughed like our lives depended on it. Till tomorrow when we talk about it, we still laugh with tears coming out of our eyes. I hope I was able to put a smile on someone's face.

.............................................................................................................

GIST 4

LASSA FEVER

Dem say lassa fever don dey garri after I buy half bag for house...I come say make I test am if na tru,I soak garri put milk inside cum give my dog Bingo , make him first test am. 45mins later, bingo still dey waka, dey jolly. Nai i drink my own. After i don drink am finish, my gateman run come tel me say bingo don die, hey! I run enter house, begin drink full gallon of palm oil for my belle, chop 22 bitter kola wit 3 long bitter leaf stem, chop walnuts with the shell no time to crack, swallow moringa with aloe vera as treatment combo. Garlic and onions be like sweet for my mouth. 


I come dey sweat as if na oven be my bedroom. I dey think say my life don finish. I come outside. Nai my gate man com they tell me say the driver wey kill bingo wan come beg me! If na you, wetin you go do the gate man? 

............................................................................................................

GIST 5

FESSES AKA (NSI) PALAVA 

 This happend  back in secondary school then  i was one of the  school functionaries and president of a fellowship as a functionary you dress cute to impress the  junior and senior student  both boy and gal

so that faithful day being Saturday our fellowship executives went for a program in a university not too far from our school so in the middle of the program around 4.30pm i was pressed (nsi wee kpawamu) thinking that i could hide somewhere and do (short put)  as we normally call it in secondary school then  or even hold it till i get back to my dormitory but to no avail.

I couldn't hold my self again  i went outside  sat on a bench and  started crying sweat all over my body.

imagine being ugly and have a big eyes. my big eyes became more bigger the black eyes went up. so  my friend and a teacher who saw me crying outside  held me in my two hands as if in labor and was dragged me  to the toilet

reaching d first toilet it was as if the  thing(nsi) know we have reached d toilet my eyes became more bigger more heat and guessed pimples all over my body

but something  happened.

 The toilet was locked  by this time i am  already at d verge of fainting because there was no strength left in me again it was as if d fesses(nsi)  was in my  head,so the teacher and my friend kept on telling me that the next toilet would be open that i should manage reaching the second toilet it was locked by this time i have already messed my pant so the teacher started asking people kee toilet because she already know i had no strength left in me again and i was breathing fast fast  but still  those people  she asked  where the toilet is  will still point at those  ones we went  to that were locked till a student passed and when he saw the way  i was crying he backed me till we reached there  toilet in the hostel i was in the toilet more than 30minute if i could measure the fesses (nsi) it will pass half painter or 2 to 3  derica.

Since then til today if i remember  it or even see that my teacher or friend they  will start laughing and will throw a word like toilet is locked

THE 2ND PALAVA of the fesses (nsi) was i took a bus from Nsukka  to Onitsha  but never reached the onitsha  because of fesses (nsi) palava

i had to drop on the way but when i told the driver that i wil drop (ka opuo) people started looking at me because there were no trace of house where i drop and  i never looked back i just ran inside a nearby  bush to defectate so after i finshed i had to take another bus to my destination

it was after my two experiences that i realized that fesses (nsi) can kill and is not a respecter of anybody or size

I still thank GOD shaa because it was a horrible experience

.............................................................................................................


GIST 6

Woli IRUN ROO MI   

Hello can you hear me bvn

Make I nack you this tori wey happen 2008 in one CnS church(white garment) in ilorin kwara state, there's one prophet that enter spirit for 21 days, now lemme explain CnS(white garment church) prophet can enter spirit during the service and he/she would declare how many days he/she go spend (the person will not eat neither drink till the day he/she declare, so people always go everyday for prayer and vision, and on the last day people will come with different kind of gift, fruit)

 So this particular year the prophet enter spirit for 21 days, during isokale emi(coming down from spirit) as you usual people come with different gift and fruit, during the service naim woli Emma enter spirit and declare 14 days(woli Emma is from another CnS branch), first day pass second day pass, on the third day, naim woli Emma begin speaking in tongue during service, buh atumo(interpreter) could not understand, woli Emma keep repeating the same word, what woli Emma was saying is...irun roo mi, irun roo mi, irun roo mi (meaning my stomach dey turn me), naim atumo shout inu roo yin?(Your stomach dey turn you?) 
Se kaba yin wa amala die(should we prepare small amala for you) naim woli Emma say yes, begin dey confess say na fake em fake the spirit ooo, say na because he see the kind of gift they brought for the earlier prophet that went 21 days, people begin dey curse am for fake vision em don see to them, na so church take scatter ooo, since that day na woli irun roo mi we dey call woli Emma, and that's the end of my tori, see ya next week

My regards;

MC TINA

..............................................................................................................

GIST 7
SISTER ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

Gud day my fellow bv's..hope my gist meets y'all well

Here goes my gist..

My younger sister teacher in church got married recently and she had to relocate to the states with her husband..so on this fateful Sunday she was in the church and was moved by the worship going on( you know we Nigerians nah). 

She was so moved that she started rolling on the floor,immediately everywhere in the church became quiet and all eyes were fixed on her..she was still thinking about what brought about the break in transmission when she heard the pastor talking from the altar saying(in their oyibo accent oo) 

''sister is everything alryt,do you need to see your doctor?? ''

She was so embarrassed,na so her husband jejely shift comot for her side...

I hope this put a smile on your face