Saturday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gist don land and its in parts one to eight...It continues tomorrow.Remember to learn something from these gists IF NONE MAKES YOU LAUGH!

Gist ONE

MILITARY ORDERS

Back in school one of those signs of being a big boy was not eating at the dinning hall especially when you are in Sss 3, except when owu don begin blow towards the end of the term you. There’s  this particular place we usually eat outside school called ’’Mibs” for short (actually the full name was Omi-obo, you know the saying when people say dem don wash yansh come use cook for you).

Being a military school, on this particular day this guy went to “mibs” to eat but unfortunately he was caught by Sergeant Zimakt(not real name) who was from Cross river/Akwa Ibom axis (apologies to people from there o)and had an accent, luckily for him he managed to escape but not without the sergeant taking note of his name as Michael Jordan.

So in the evening na so this sergeant just dey stroll  come boys dormitory feeling cool in his mind that he will deal with  this student. By the time he got close na so the guy begin shout in his accent “SP(Senior prefect)! SP Get me Micheal Jordan” all of us just begin laugh, the sergeant felt so provoked and said “Sp I said you should get me Micheal Jordan”, na so SP say “ Sir Micheal Jordan is not in Nigeria, he’ s an  American basketballer”.

Sergeant Zimkat just use style stroll knowing he had just been hoodwinked, we just continue to dey laugh on our own because the  thing sweet us wella.

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Gist TWO

AYAG

As a junior student and due to the harsh treatment always meted out to juniors by our seniors we hardly stay long in our dormitories, before you know we are already out even missing breakfast but we found succour in eating at the staff canteen, which was out of bounds to student but who say no to money, the canteen people still managing to sell to us.

So on this day we were about 7 and had gotten tired of canteen food and found new love with the woman that hawks bread and butter.  The woman who  ran the canteen noticed that we were no longer patronize her and this affected her sales, she now reported us to one of the staff, we call them civilian-soldiers, because they have some military experience or discharge from service.

Na so this guy just come “ayag”(threaten) us. So he started asking us what our name was one by one. We begin give name such as “Omoshetan omoyorun, Arodan, etc, when it got to the sixth guy who said his name was  Arnold Schwarzenegger, the 7th guy who happened to be just a stone throw from us yelled ‘’Michael(not real name)no tell them my name o”. So we just started laughing that this guy has kobalized us after giving out fake names, the civilian-soldier noticed but still freed us sha, till we finished and up till now it became a saying amongst us “Michael no tell them my name o”.

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GIST THREE

THE UNEXPECTED VISITOR

This incident happened during my OND days,on that fateful day,me and my roommate had just 200# with us, and we were thinking of how best to utilize the money,we usually eat outside, cos we both don't like cooking, but with 200#, we couldnt afford to eat outside ,and we were really hungry,so we decided to buy beans, and cook.

we didn't have kero in our stove,so we decided to use our landladys coal pot,cos she wasn't at home, and we were the only tenant there, after much stress we succeeded in lighting it,put on our beans,we sat outside, so as to take turns in blowing it.

As we were outside, we just saw a visitor coming in,this is a babe I had been begging to come to my house for long,and she chose that day of all days to come visiting,I welcomed her,asked her to come in,she insisted that she wanted the fresh air outside,omo see gobe,none of us could go near beans again,cos our package for campus no be here, 

for my mind I was praying she leaves early,but for where,the girl just dey there dey gist,after some time my landlady children came back from school, and asked if we were the one cooking, I said 'me,cook what, no o', they now assumed it their mum,hence they descended on it ,in our presence o,we couldn't talk, we just behaved normal,after the girl left,we started beating those kids,but they told us it's their mums food now,that was how we went on hunger strike, even the girl sef no gree date me,i just suffer for nothing 

Hope I made someone's day with thus my gist.

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GIST FOUR

SETTLEMENT BY FORCE

On Monday,A girl came in and said she is expecting a guy,she asked for malt and while I served her,her stomach rumbled.I told my sale girl Eunice to ask her if she will buy turkey or peppered meat and Pomo.The girl said she is scared that the guy might not  pay so I used my good marketing skills and persuaded her.

The girl ate the first plate and when the guy came,he ordered for his own and the girl kept staring at his plate,he ordered for her also telling her that i b rich boy,eat as you like..The girl also ordered for Pomo and meat ,10pieces.She drank two big stout and one mcdowel,the guy ate just one turkey and drank bottle water. The guy booked for a room, after 10minutes,I started hearing ma pa e leni(I will kill u today),I knocked the door,I said Oga please open.

He opened and said can I imagine, the foolish girl said she is on her period and he asked her to go remove the pad,she said no,it is a taboo in her village.The guy said hecannot agree and that she must open her leg because it is a taboo in his village to spend on a lady without gbenshing.

I started begging the guy oh,he refused,he insisted she refund the money and the girl starting blaming me that I was the one that forced her to taste the first plate of soup. The guy took her phone and left that when finishes her period,she will come and render the service paid for..

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GIST FIVE

OLOGUN (THE SOLDIER)

When i was 8 years old, i love visiting the village. The reason is because i was the best fighter amongst my friends. I was the shortest and smallest, but i was a tiger. Anytime someone in our playmates touches one of my friends, i will always go back for vengeance and we always won.

 This earned me the nickname "ologun". The name stuck and every child

knows not to offend the "olugun" from lagos that visits every Christmas. Any child that looks for my trouble, i will go with my three loyal Knights (bayo,kunle and dipo) to the offending child's grandma to report. The grandma will pacify us with "ori abacha" or "baba dudu" after singing our "oriki". 

The reason for this is to ward our anger away from her grandchild. I was able to get away with this because during the weekly meetings of market women. Our grandmas will meet and discuss our childish rivalry. My grandma was always happy with me because i was strong and all the other grandmas will always try to match me with their grand daughter.

So on this fateful day, i was helping my mum "jejely" in the kitchen because she was preparing my favorite dish for dinner when i heard dipo shout my name. I rushed outside to inquire what was wrong.

"look.. They have collected your ball.. Its one person that seized it.. The person also beat kunle and i"  dipo said immediately i came out.

Who have the guts to collect my ball. So i rallied my knights and we went to seek retribution. I was surprised when i got to the playground and saw four girls playing with my ball.

"where are they at" i asked

"look at them" they replied pointing at the girls.

I started laughing

"A girl beat the two of you up"  i could see the shame on their faces. So i went to the girls. The girls saw me coming and hid behind the fat girl amidst them. They were pointing and whispering to the fat girl. The fat girl took my ball and came to meet me.

"orobo give me my ball if you dont want to cry"i said.

I have never seen the girl before in our village. She have not tasted my fury.

"You are the "ologun" that beats my friends?. You this ikerebe"

This girl just called me ikerebe in front of my guys and her friends, so i decided to teach her a lesson.

" if they born you well clean my father land" i said drawing a line with my toe. She did the same thing and gave me the same challenge. I cleaned her line ,as she was coming to clean mine. I threw a punch, i didn't hit anything because she was already under me with her hands on my ankle. Before i knew it, i was floating on air. When i landed, caterpillar landed on me. She pinned me down with her weight as she sat on me and started feeding me with sand.

I was expecting my Knights to help, but when i looked up. They had disappeared. "If they born you well let me stand up so that we start again". The girl no gree stand oo. The other girls rally round us urging her to feed me more sand and giving her steady supply of sand. After eating enough red sand, i had no choice but to beg

"Aunty please, i will not do it again" i begged with tears.

When i was eventually released. I ran amidst boos from the girls straight to our house.

I saw my knights at our gate with expectations on their faces.

"you didn't collect the ball ni?" dipo asked.

"it will not better for all of you" i cried before pushing past the betrayals into the house. The news of my defeat spread like a raging fire round the village. I was sulky the next day and didn't go out to play. When my grandma came back from her meeting. She was livid with anger

"How can you let a girl defeat you, who will give their daughter to a weakling. If i hear anyone call you "ologun" in this house again eh?, Olugun ko, oluya ni" 

she screamed to the amusement of my parents and siblings. My younger sister went to spread my new name to all my friends "oluya"(lord of beating) and it stuck..

That was my most humiliating Christmas ever. Anytime i see bisi (the fat girl) i avoid her like a plague.

Years later, i went to an event with friends and i saw someone that looked like her. When i strolled to her. She was looking at me and trying to recall who i was.i helped her out.

" Aunty, please i will not do it again".

She went into a fit of laughter tapping the man beside her and saying " thats him" repeatedly. The man was confused too until she blurted out " oluya". The man started to laugh, stood up, pumped my hands vigorously and invited me to their table. Turns out Bisi is married with two kids and the man is her husband. 

She told him the story of my "sand chopping" beating during their dating years and he had wished to meet me. His wish was granted unexpectedly. I became friends with the husband and visit the family once in a while.

This incident taught me a valuable lesson "never underestimate a lady. If you are high and mighty, a second is enough for her to put you on your back and make you eat plenty red sand".

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GIST SIX

DOUBLE BUNK

Just this morning, my neighbour's kid came running to me asking, `Uncle Peyor, what is that thing called when two people sleep in the bedroom and one is on top of the other.

"Initially, I was shocked, then quickly recovered and thought that it would be good to be honest. I then described to him everything about marriage and sex. The Kid said okay and ran back to his house. A short while later, he returned and said, " Uncle, that thing is called a BUNK BED. My parents want to talk to you now!

`Choiiii.......... see wahala this early morning.

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GIST SEVEN

ADMISSION TO STUDY MALARIA

That was how I  failed JAMB 3 times. So one day, I travelled to visit my friend in UNIBEN who got admission before me,  unfortunately  i fell sick and was admitted in a hospital there. I tried calling my mum but didn't get her on the phone so I called my old grandma who came to stay with us then and lucky for me  she picked  I said......

ME: Hello mama

GRANDMA: *in an angry voice* where are you?

ME: Mama i'm in UNIBEN

GRANDMA: Wooow finally, thank God o

ME: I was admitted . 

GRANDMA :That's great oh. God has disgraced the witches in your father's house that don't want you to go to school (laughing and dancing)

ME: Mama na Malaria. GRANDMA: Malaria is a good course o my daughter, please take it serious o

ME: I would be discharged tomoro

GRANDMA: God forbid my daughter!!!. you go complete your four years over there in Jesus name.

ME: God punish Illiteracy!!!

GRANDMA: Amen..... coz I heard that the course  is very difficult, please read it hard...

LWKMD

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GIST EIGHT

THE SLEEPING PASTOR

I was in vigil 1 day at my church headquarters when I saw my pastor from my church branch sleeping inside the church, His name was called from the alter but he was asleep that they have meeting after the vigil. someone came to wake him up but he went to sleep again, someone sent him a text message he woke up to read the message and fell asleep again.

 After the vigil while they where calling the names of the pastors my pastor name was 1 of the first 5 names to be called for a special meeting with the G.O so when his name was called my pastor was asleep and his assistant pastor tried waking him up but he was sleeping .

he tried waking him up several times but my pastor didn't answer after a while his assistant pastor was tired so he left him and asked another pastor in the church to please assist him to wake him but yet to no avail he was still sleeping so his assistant pastor sent him another text message ,he just woke up checked the message and went back to sleep.

My pastor loves preaching that why will some people go to church and sleep .

Unluckily for him 2 Sundays after the vigil he remembered his favourite sermon about sleeping when sermon is going on, He said  that ''why will some people go to church and sleep inside there vehicles even in the church''

 I do not know if my pastor knows  that someone saw him while he was sleeping in church during our last vigil.