Saturday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gists is here.....The rest will follow tomorrow.

Remember that there is a lesson to learn from every story,even if it doesnt make you laugh!

LMAO *WINK*

GIST ONE

OGIRI THINGS

Iit was my primary school days, one faithful morning my mum was cooking soup which will serve us as breakfast lolz, mind you, then we eat akpu (fufu) morning, afternoon and night Because we were poor and our soup usually lasts for two weeks or more. she asked me to go and buy ogiri (okpei) and you know how it smells, so the woman gave me jara and I quickly hid it in my pocket and later took it to school. I got to school and started Licking It, immediately I finished it a,i ran into the class room but the smell was unbearable to the extent that the teacher knelt everyone down and had to smell everyone's bum bum and when it was my turn, Lolz I had to confess and the teacher beat the hell out of me.

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GIST TWO

Cinema 'Cum'

I have heard gist of things people do in cinema when the light are off but one day I experienced it. I went to watch 50 shades of grey with my girlfriends at the cinema. You all know its a very erotic movie. So as the movie was going on, they were on one of the sex scenes. 

Then what we heard was 'Ah! Yekpa! Na who throw me this thing?' Everybody was shocked and people started murmuring. We didn't know what the guy was talking about.

The next thing 'Una no wan talk?, who dey receive blessing here, come they dispose of the 'cum' on me?. Ah! I heard 'cum'. By then everybody was already laughing. He continued shouting. 'Who they shag for here! Make una pause this movie o'. Then the lights came back on. We now saw the guy. Someone must have been giving someone a handjob and they released on the guy. We were still laughing at the incident. 

The guy turned to the lady sitting next to him and said 'so I dey here dey beg you since make you touch me small and your fellow girl don already bless person finish, na the result I come dey receive. Make the person wey get this thing talk o or I go package am go meet babalawo.' 

The girl he was with come vex shout 'how you sure say na woman do am, abi you no sabi say man fit give man? yoU no see dos two guys wey dey sit close to me (she pointed at the guys) na dem dey do am.' Immediately the two guys stood up and ran out of the place. The guy wanted to chase them but the cinema attendants held him and began to calm him down. After everything sha. We continued the movie

        

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GIST THREE

BROTHER STEVEN

Hello my Stella love. 

Okay over to my gist.

Fellow bv's. You won't believe what happened in my church last week; the tin be like home video.

I was part of the organizers of our church's couple's dinner being one of the ushers, the singles were not supposed to be there but I was allowed since I was ushering people in. They played so many games for the couples one of which was titled "feed your wife". Four couples were selected and the men were going made to stand at a distance from their wives and they were given sweets to trace their wives and feed them with the sweet.

Oya 1,2,3 go.... come see drama. 

First of all one brother kept going to his left until he his one of the band's and landed on the ground gbosa.. people  were laughing and cheering them.
Next tin one of the workers in the church brother Steven made his way straight to where the ladies were standing but he was standing in front of another person's wife thinking its his wife. 

People were laughing and screaming which even convinced him more that it was his wife so he raised his hands up in an attempt to locate his wife's hair (since she had an accessory on her hair) he wanted to be sure it was her. Next tin his hands landed on the breast of brother Kunle's wife.

 All this happened in a split second before the lady could even move back. The way people were shouting made him to remove his blindfold and he shouted ''blood of Jesus' when he realized it was not his wife. The funniest part was that the wife was already giving him an angry side eye as if he did it on purpose. Poor brother Steven, I didn't set my eyes on him till after the dinner. #OK BYE#

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GIST FOUR

Hostel Show           

  Good day Stella and my fellow

BVs, this is anoda IHG... Twas last year after Nigeria match which we

drew with south Africa which didn't make us qualify for Afcon. It was

soo depressing..Na  so me and my guys just dey complain com from ball

house dey yab keshi...as we reach gate dey check goal.com, Na  so like

5 guys com meet us...

it was a hostel. One of dem ask of David. One of my guy wey dey with us just wave say David dey inside thinking it was just a normal visit. Den d visitor com tell my friend say make he com show am David room say David fucked up for street say he wan treat his fuck up..d 3 of us wey dey gate just look up say Wetin dey happen.

Naso my friend wey talk say David dey inside before start to dey stammer

"a a a beg...which David you dey talk cos I no remember any David for

here again". D leader of the visitor just commot axe then he said I know

una go fuck up...oya enter your compound.... Omo com see beating and

slaps...we chop am die...naso dem carry us go our room to steal the

stealables..

As dem comot me and my roommate room left the compound,

we came out just dey murmur to ourselves, guy Wetin happen now, Na

film trick, my phone and my lappy don go ooo...immediately, gate

opened again in a violence way, com see running inside ... Naso my

roommate enter room lock door...Tobi Tobi, open Na ....na MJ.....I

swear my roommate no open door ooo...Na  so I run go back of house

jump fence dey run like mad dog oooo....the kind force wey I use land

ehn, Na  months my leg take heal oooo...and to say no be dem

"visitors"com again ooo.......as everything die down and I com ask my

roomie, guy of fa now, why you lock me out now...

Tobi talk say abeg no vex my guy, Na  toilet I run to straight. Thank God for our lives.

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GIST FIVE

TORN TROUSER

A very good day to you Mrs Stella....Please i just wanna share this story with my fellow bvs for Saturday gists.

This story is about what happened to me in my 300level,Those of you that went to madonna will know how difficult writing exams used to be before,we dont wear things with pocket and you would have to wait for ages before writing the paper you have for that day.....

I had a carryover exam to write and as usual we were all waiting,i was wearing my trouser without pocket,i stood up to stretch my body cos i was tired of reading,when i was about sitting down,Stella my trouser divided into two!.

JESUS!

...And i had just g-string on,i was so embarrassed but thankfully it was just girls around,so i had to borrow someones jogging vest to cover my ass,ran to the nearest hostel and borrowed my course mate's big skirt,lol,I am very slim but i had no choice.

My friends couldnt stop laughing even in the exam hall.......

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GIST SIX

A POOR SINNER

Good morning Stella and compliments of the weather. This is my in-house gist and I hope it gets published

It happened in our class in the secondary school. It was when the wind of SU(scripture union) was sweeping across secondary schools. You would know an SU member from a distance through his expressionless and solemn look permanently plastered on their faces. 

We had an SU member in our class. Let's call him Bro Okey. He had something peculiar about him and that is that he had one magical smile that automatically replaced his solemn look each time he wanted to greet someone, and he can greet in the whole of Africa. Another thing about Bro Okey is that he seems not to know the name of any classmate except you are a fellow SU. Hence you always see him, while discussing with fellow SU, saying Bro Timothy or Bro Paul did so and so. But for non SU classmates, all you hear is yellow Bro, please call that black Bro near you for me. If he wants to tell you something about a classmate he goes thus..don't you know that Bro that sits in the middle locker of the middle line of the second row in the class.

In those days what is called CRK today was called BK(bible knowledge) in secondary school. In our language we described people offering BK in waec as ndi na emebi ike(a bastardised form of ndi na eme BK). Now Bro Okey was the automatic leader of BK students in our class but he never attends BK classes because he uses that time to study other subjects. When there is no teacher, he would teach us BK and we enjoyed it because he would quote every verse verbatim and explain the morals. In the end Bro Okey was ridiculed. 

As was the case then, there was always a mock waec conducted by the school for students about to sit for the real waec  exam. This tests the preparedness and helps to stenghten confidence. That week each teacher gave out the result of their mock exam, applaud and exhort the students.

So when our BK teacher came with his scripts there was a spontaneous shout of 'ndi na emebi ikeee!'and the teacher burst out laughing. After sharing every other script, he took the last script and screamed oh jigbi jigbi jigbi. He then called out Okechukwu Obi and there was spontaneous applause. Funny enough Bro Okey turned to his left, smiling sheepishly, he said to the guy next to him, Bro I scored the highest. Gingerly he stood up and the teacher screamed no wonder you wrote this rubbish. I have never seen you in my class before. The teacher went on t read to us what Bro Okey wrote:

Question .. Write a concise account of the life of Christ

Answer... How can I, a poor sinner, write an account of my lord and saviour. I am not worthy to do this, I would rather write about his apostle Paul. When the teacher read that introductory paragraph, the entire class went into a tumultuous laughter that so attracted the principal that he sent the labour master to discipline us. The labour master himself could not hold back tears of laughter on hearing what happened. The teacher managed to inform us that Bro Okey vividly narrated the life of apostle Paul without missing any detail, yet the teacher scored him zero percent.

Needless to say that he became the most popular student as his name was changed from Bro Okey to' A Poor Sinner'. How he fared in the real waec is unknown because when the result came out it was O.Y.O for everybody.

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GIST SEVEN
DISGRACED BY GARRI

Hallo my one and only blog family. So I remembered one very funny story from way back uni days so I thought to share. 

Abeg make una vote for me o

I was in 200level in the university and‎ I was one of the big girls in class then as in ehen my shakara was top notch. I fell very ill and typical of me I hated using drugs but because it was exam period I was forced to use a malaria drug "Artesunate" and that was the genesis of the problem. 

I had lost appetite for food and the only thing I could take was garri just so I can use the drug. 

On the eve of the exam I took garri and roasted fish at night then the next morning I took garri and kulikuli with epa, used the morning dose and went to class. My dear people luckily the exam was postponed from that day so my friends seized the opportunity to tidy up some of their notes et al before we head back home. 

I decided to take a nap and after 5mins I woke up telling my friend I felt like throwing up, before she could say let me walk you outside, my fellow brethen, brothers,sisters,aunties,uncles and granpapamama in the blog the thing just poured out from my mouth and guess what, it was Plain Garri. I felt so embarrassed that day o! As in, the fish and kulikuli plus epa no gree show for the garri o. My friends forgot my condition and started laughing, the guys wey I don do shakara for them con begin dey stroll pass d vomit o. 

As if say the strolling no do them, then con dey ask again say who do am as they wan sure well well say na me do am. I was sick and at the same time vexing, how can my stomach betray me by sieving the incentives(fish, kuli and epa) away from the garri. E pain me but welll, oyinbo don talk say shit happens and we get over it. 

After dat day, they no born me well make I no chop better food take use my drug‎ and pimp my garri anytime i wan grub am. 

PS-BV Chick felix please send me a mail or call me.its important!-SDK