Saturday In House Gists

Saturday in house gists for your relaxation!
Remember that if it's not funny enough to make you laugh,it might just teach you a thing or two!

Continuation tomorrow!

GIST ONE

SOPHISTICATE AND SURROGATE

Hi, Stella i will like to share one of the funny experience i had with

my fellow bvs. It happened on Friday during the Lagos experience

programme, mind you there is a lady in my place of work who is always

using the word 'sophisticate'. 

I went to the programme with another colleague of mine and there were this group of girls that came dancing in front of us when midnight crew where singing, so when they finished singing, my colleague with full excitement using her loudest voice told the  dancers ''please o go and sit down and stop sophisticating me'' and she kept shouting.

 when i realised it i told her its suffocate not sophisticate and she corrected herself saying ''dont surrogate me''

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GIST TWO

ELEVATOR CHRONICLE

Good day good people of SDK blog. May you all live long.This gist makes me laugh till date hope it makes you all laugh as well.

On a very good bright morning I dressed up elegantly for a seminar/training. The seminar was organized by an NGO the seminar was held in a very nice hotel mayrose at amawbia. previously have heard the hotel has lifter or elevator don't no the right name self.

Hmmm so my dear people  as I match enter ooh I don carry for mind say I must enter lifter today today lol you all no that feeling nah. So as I reach the receptionist point I asked them, they come point were I go go. As I dey reach the place e get one gbogbo big lady wey stand there, she was looking very flashy I come greet her wella thinking say she go be one of the superiors I even come they happy say person wey go sabi operate the lifter they with me. 

Hmmm na so we enter ooh kai... the hall for the seminar na last floor ooh which is fourth floor. My fellow bvs the lady pressed one button ooh...me and her just relaxed ooh... me was waiting to land nah.Ahhh some mins pass we still never land no be like say na tower we dey climb  then the worst happened slowly this disgusting smell started creeping in.. hmmm I no say e no be me, and na only two we dey,  but fear say she fit be one of the head no gree me give her the look wey dey my mind. 

I begin they pray seriously make this thing land before i suffocate but ahhh for where the smell come they bad kai kai kai I no no wetin she chop the belly bad......... Ahhh I no fit bear am again I come ask her why is it not landing she come open mouth speak one yeh yeh English on top that she come form  *AHH WHERE IS THIS MURDEROUS SMELL OOZING OUT FROM* chai the thing vex me cus I no say na from her nyash. Out of annoyance I pressed one big button there the door opened ooh she was like AHH are we to press when we get to our destination.       *mtchwee for my mind*.... 

Omoh when we came out na still that same floor we dey ooh we no move talk more landing. Lol don't imagine the look on my face Kai. I just live her hit staircase wey I sabi use. So finally on getting to the fourth floor from the things people where saying I got to know that the lifter no dey reach fourth floor say na for third floor the machine stop.  I just sigh for my sit. Finally when. The seminar started I realized the lady is just a big novice cus i was just on her case na only forming full her body when question is being asked she go run mouth give one awkward answer.  I guess her mission was to be noticed. 

 But finally while going I tested the lifter. 

*ifeoma dikwa nma* 

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GIST THREE

APPLICATION LETTER

Good day Stellisko , someone submitted this ,to seek for the post of a

manager in an hotel. I was opportuned to read through it as I was on

my way to dispose things. It goes like this after the address.

''Good day sir Hope all is well with you. If so praise thy lord

hallelujah amen. my name is obazele abiodun (not real name) , I hail

from the strong town of usen, where witches fly korokoro at broad day

light, I know you must have heard about us. Sir I saw your poster as I

was urinating on a wall it was on, so I quickly put my manhood inside

and started reading the adverts. I was actually looking for work on

that day ,because I've been unemployed since I left school. Sir you

need to see me now, sun has dealt with me to the extent you would pity

me and give me this job. I perfectly qualify for this job sir,I'm an

HND holder, having graduated from 'shaka poly' as an hospitality mgt

student. I held a very important post as the class rep till I left,

also I was once a head boy in my sec.school days at Ewu secondary

school irrua. you need to see the way I flog students back then, I'll

Peel their skin because I take punctuality very serious. Sir even if

you own the company and come late be rest assured you won't enter your

company that day, you must return home, that's how serious I can be.

Sir if given the chance to work with your company,  I'll discharge my

duties in such a way people would begin to think that am the owner of

the company.

 They might even think I employed you because I will

object your orders at board meetings when it's not favourable to my

fellow employees. Please consider me sir because my family needs this

salary to pay our debts and put our enemies 'who thought I won't get

this job and succeed in life ' to shame. Sir this job will solve my

physical problem (looks) spiritual problem because I need to pay

tithes to get prayers in church. Lastly I'm a Christian and a member

of living faith aka winners chapel : glory to glory to you sir that's

our motto this year. thanks sir I'm looking forward to hearing from

you for the interview''.

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GIST FOUR

THE RED STEW

Yesterday, my sister visited me. I was in the kitchen cooking stew when she walked in. She jokingly reminded me of my horrible experience cooking stew when i was 9years old......

Here goes the story.

One saturday, I found myself alone in the house after my sister went out with her friend that came visiting. Before my sister left, she prepared white rice,and left the fresh tomatoes inside bowel,meat and other ingredients. Maybe she made a mistake and left the kitchen open too............ My luck.

I entered the kitchen and found everything undone. 

I was so happy cos that was gonna be my stew experiment (i thought). I didnt know where to start from, have never cooked nor watched anybody cook before but i decided to try my luck. No light to blend the tomatoes so i decided to do it mortar and pistle way.

I washed it and poured it into the mortar and began pounding. 

If i pound, the tomatoes will bounce and pound me. I was confused but as no quitter kinda person, i decided to re-strategise, i poured it out and started squeezing it with my hands. I made sure that i scattered them, i made fire, put pot on fire and poured it.

 I waited to hear the "shaayooooo" sound (that i used to hear when my sister is cooking) but i didnt hear it so i put the pot down. I put another pot on fire, poured almost one bottle of groundnut oil and allowed it to heat. The whole kitchen was filled with smoke but i no even send. I poured my tomatoes inside the pot and finally got my "shaayoooooooo" sound. Even though i was choking but i was satisfied. I covered the pot and brought stool and sat near it anxiously waiting for my stew to be ready.. After some times, i started percieving that something was burning. I didnt bother myself, (maybe i was thinking that my stew will call my name before it will burn) 

i didnt care or knew where it was coming from. But when the odour became stronger, i decided to check my own, "aaaaarhh'' my tomatoes has burnt to the pot, living only oil on top. I tried stirring it but it was so strong. I poured two and half mugs of water.(Too much water) it became watery and dark instead of usuall (red) stew colour. 

I rushed outside and bought small tin tomatoe with my savings,and add it into the pot. It was still not red like stew. I emptied almost half bottle of RED oil into the stew."yeeees, have got my red stew. To make make it sweet,I added 6cubes of sugar,meat,5cubes of knorr, onions,curry(i forgot pepper and salt) and covered it to cook. The aroma that i was percieving was out of here ooooooo.

I tasted it.................concortion

I thought of what to add to make it thickie; i mixed thick pap and added.

Then i opened it again................ Disastrous.

I started thinking of where i would run to before anybody will catch me..

I ran to my Auntie's place and lied to her that my mother sent me to go and stay with her as long as i want.............

I was enjoying my play with my auntie's children when she asked me to GO cos it was getting dark. I lied that mum asked me to live with her as long as i want to. As sharp woman wey my auntie be, she pretend to believe me. She asked me to accompany her to her friends house. I followed her without asking questions. My joy was short lived when we stopped in front of our gate. I was in tears as i was walking behind her into the compound. When we stepped into the sitting room. I saw the whole family watching "izozo". 

When they saw me, my immediate younger sister shouted "see her oooo, she don come back". they all started laughing falling on top of each other. I went to hide behind my auntie. 

"Run away soldier, welcome" my mum said. They all burst out laughing again. My mum took my auntie to the kitchen and showed her the mess i made in kitchen. My auntie started killing herself with laughter. They all started making jest of me. Seeing them laugh @me made me cry the more.

From that day, anybody that is cooking always calls me to stay beside her. That was how i became the better (maybe BEST) cook that i am today................ #wink#

****** LESSON... Train up a child the way he should go; when he is grown, he will never depart from it.

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GIST FIVE

MAMAS TESTIMONY

Good day Stella and fellow bv, straight to my gist, there was this old woman in my area, we also attend the same church and she is not psychologically fit, one Sunday as the preaching was going on, and I sat close to her, she quickly release a very loud and smelling mess (she fatted ) and immediately there was commotion as people were calling her names, she kept quiet so during testimony time, she jumped out and shouted praised the lord  and pastor asked her to be brief and that others were waiting. 

 mama started her testimony, and she said ''last week i go my son house for ikorodu, and he was not around  although i have his spear key so i opened the house and went straight to the kitchen to prepare food because i was hungry, i found a dry leaf in his kitchen not knowing it was India hemp leaf , (weed) (igbo), i used it to prepare egusi soup, unfortunately this our pastor came and i served him the egusi soup and fufu, after our pastor finished eating and wanted to go so I asked him to pray for me, my  brothers and sisters, instead of our pastor to say praise the lord, pastor said ''emi omo wobe'',. So I decided to eat a little from the soup after eating i went to buy pure water to drink, my brothers and sisters, i left ikorodu to buy pure water but where i found myself was in Oshodi under bridge. Praise the Lord ....''

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GIST SIX

NNA, IYON AND KANABAR

An Akwa Ibom passenger once boarded a bus in Lagos. The bus driver was an Ijaw man and the conductor was a Calabar man.

The Akwa Ibom man said to the bus conductor, "Ah de ko ori oro."

The conductor then told the driver, "Idi-oro wa O."

On the way, the bus had a flat tire. The Ijaw man then told his conductor, "Zackson, get the zack, make you put the spare tire. Make you no allow us sleep for road in Nagos O."

The conductor cracked up in laughter, "Oka Yohn, you dey call yack Zack, You no know say dem no go understand you for Dagos."

One Igbo man then disembarked the bus in anger and exclaimed, "Ekolo Gbeja mi, Malu fo soke.",

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GIST SEVEN

THE DREAM

This happened to me some years back

There was THis particular gal in ma neighborhood that I so much admired,  this gal is the original definition of beauty and her shape na die.  I always feel like having a word or two with her but liver no dey gree me (lack confidence)the problem was that she was older than me with a year,  from a rich home and also super classy, I so much believed she was above my pay grade,  so all I used to do was just wish wish wish and wish. 

On this faithful night I had a wonderful dream, lo and behold in the dream was my dream gal, so full of beauty and elegance,she was in a wedding gown and guess who the groom was.... 

ME.....!

  We got wedded that day, that moment when she was saying for better for worse till death do us part I could feel ma self smiling in real life,  we went home and had a so much romantic romance I actually didn't wanna wake up.
the following day, I was like wow God! how mighty are thou,  see the way you have showed me this wonderful clue about who my future wife will be,may your name alone be glorified. 

My confidence GP of 2.1 sharperly rose up to 4.65 (first class, wow).  I had everything planned out in my mind so I was patiently waiting for her at the front of my house cos she normally pass there when coming back from their shop.

After few hours, ..... finally...  there she was,  but wait oo...  why is my heart beating this fast...  am I gonna die of heart attack....  God please send your angels to take charge,  GP of 4.65 is now 3.42 (haba second class lower now now) when I saw her with two of her friends, my God that doesn't disappoint actually sent two angels to me to guide my speech,  I heard gals love it when a guy can walk up to them in the middle of many gals and talk to them,  shows level of confidence,  well that was exactly what I did.

  I walked up to her(heart still pounding tho) started with ma flows,  God!!! ... is she falling for me already??? why is she smiling this much??? see as I just dey happy,  chai! I don hammer,  later she said was getting late she gotta go,  as she wan give me my good night kiss that was when I heard my name from far distance......... gozie! gozie!! gozie!!!  it's time for morning devotion.

  it was then and there I realized i had been dreaming all this while and I had a fucking mess I had to clean up from ma wet dreams. damn!!!