Saturday In House Gists..

LMAO!!!

Saturday in house news presented hot...like amala and ewedu soup washed down with a cold glass of moet.
hehehhehehe
I am not assuring of Sunday gists cos the folder is empty.
Enjoy the gists.

GIST ONE

MNU NUNU CHAI

Timi , a friend who is based in Lagos decided to use his 300level holiday to make research in his hometown on his intended final year project topic, so he packed his bags and left for his hometown.
    The week of his arrival, he left home on a fateful morning to make some research as he kept on stopping passersby and asking them certain questions regardless of whom they were.
     On his way, he met a man and decided to ask him some questions , trust guys na, they shook hands at 1st(to exchange pleasantries) before he started asking his questions, after which he thanked the man and decided to move ahead but before he could move an inch, he heard a loud scream from the man 

he just met "YEKPAAAA!!!  My thing don disappear make una come ooo".. 

Mehn the next thing about 20 other strong men surrounded Timi , then he was dragged to the centre " wetin you do this man, he talk say you shake am then him thing disappear, you  better return am back before we circumcise you for here"... 

When my guy hear circumcise omoh him ear stand" oga I swear I nor do anything oo, I be Christian,  abeg make una no circumcise me, them don already circumcise me for baby " Timi cried.

     He was dragged into a close by apartment with the victim and the onlookers, how the man's penis disappeared was still a mystery to him, though he never thought of asking to see the penis to be sure if it was true for fear that he could be mobbed. The so called onlookers brought a dirty looking man whom they claimed was a herbalist, the only thing the herbalist kept chanting was "NMU NUNU , CHAI !!!!" then he would touch the penis. After 5mins of chanting "NMU NUNU, CHAI " the so called missing penis returned, Timi was forced to pay the man, then a prostitute was brought in so the penis could be tested and na my guy still pay the money for wetin he no enjoy o(lol)......
      It was confirmed that the penis was in working condition, Timi was stripped of all his money and clothes and asked to run before they mob him, he had just his writing note left which he used to cover his "P" man.....He tried getting a cab but Mehn!!! Cabs kept swerving him on the way oo, who wants to carry a mad man??? The one he later got, he had to explain he wasn't a mad man but the driver billed him so much and gave the condition that he must be tied before he can enter his cab, the driver tied timi like a newly bought sallah ram yet he continue to dey look front mirror 10times while driving in case Timi start to manifest... Even when he got home his relatives ran out of the house thinking a mad man had invaded, na the cab man kun help am explain then collected his huge fare, when asked why he collected 2k for somewhere worth just #500, he asked if it was easy to carry a mad man, he laughed and left . Timi just stood there face down, all the girls wey he don dey eye for the compound don see am finish.....NMU NUNU CHAI !!!
  After that experience, my guy packed his load and moved back to lagos the next morning, after narrating his experience to us, we nicknamed him "NMU NUNU,  CHAIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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GIST TWO

LIAR HUMBLED

This is a lesson to  people. While I was in junior secondary school there was this particular girl called Tope ( not actual name). I and my group of friends didn't  have any particular liking towards her because she couldn't speak English, only Yoruba. She also dressed very shabbily. 

When we got to senior secondary school, we all found ourselves in the same class and on the same seat as Tope so from there she became our friend, started learning English and as time went on, she was very fluent in it but Tope had a very big problem, she was a serial liar.

She would tell us her father had 2 big houses, she had 2 phones, 2 big generators and several others that we all could figure out were lies. So everyone made it a point of duty to find out the truth. 

One day I went to the address of her father's big house she gave us. On getting there, it was a face me I face you house and they said Tope and her family had moved out of the place a long time ago. I got to school the next day and told everyone my findings. Sometime later, a girl in our class said she saw Tope in the market and traced her to her house and that she couldn't believe what she saw.

For a while, Tope was absent from school due to being ill , so the next day, about 10 girls in our class decided to pay Tope a visit. We went to the security to allow us leave the skool but he said it wasn't closing hours yet ( mind you, classes weren't holding during that period). So someone pointed out that a part of the school fence had just collapsed so we could pass there. On getting there, they were already patching up the wall but due to our desperation to leave the school, we ran out through that route like our lives depended on it with shouts of the labourers shouting ''come back here''!!!!

Our journey began to Tope's house. It was like our own Gulder ultimate search. When we finally got to the place we all opened our mouths in awe because we had never seen dat kind of place in our lives and it was the opposite of the house Tope always talked about. It was one of those wooden houses like the ones built on water extended with woods at the four ends except this was not on water but on a very swampy area filled with grasses, stagnant water and deadly mosquitoes. 

To get to her particular house, one would need to cross a bridge made from wood. If you missed one step, you fall straight into the swamp.

While we were trying to summon courage to cross the bridge, it seemed Tope's brothers had told her that people in her school uniform were around. We saw her look through her door and then closed the door. When we all crossed the bridge, we knocked on her door and found out that she was holding the door from inside. So we started pushing from outside while she was pushing from inside. Obviously we won because she was out numbered but she had so much strength for someone who was ill oh. After letting us in, we were offered seats on a wooden bed without mattress. We told her we were worried about her so we came to visit.

While she was seeing us off, her youngest brother about 3 or 4yrs old tagged along so some of the girls questioned the boy about some of the stories Tope told us, you know kids don't know how to lie. The boy denied everything.
When Tope resumed back to school, she was a new creature filled with humility.

Lesson: your lies always catch up with you eventually.  If you lie about your real situation, help may never come your way too.

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GIST THREE

My calabash cannot be rendered powerless‏

I hail
This gist na wetin happen to the friend of a friend. She give my friend this gist after everything don happen.
E get this girl wey de always experience heartbreak from guys, after long time of dating, them go just dump her for no reason.
So e get this particular guy wey don promise her marriage and everything, all of a sudden, the guy just stop to de call and begin de behave funny.

After a while, she come go meet one alfa for protection, make wetin de happen to her no happen again, say she want her guy back. The Alfa come give her one calabash, say make she use the content of the calabash bath for seven days, say the guy go begin de run after her.     

Meanwhile, she get service that evening, but before she de finish from Alfa house, time for evening service don already reach. And that day, the church invite one woman of God for special prayers. As prayer time reach, the woman come begin prophesy, say e get one person wey carry calabash for bag come here, she come begin pray against the calabash. Her prayer: I render every calabash present here powerless in Jesus name! Whatever that calabash is meant for will not manifest in Jesus name! As she de pray, the girl wey know say she carry calabash for bag, grab her bag and start her own prayers. 

Each time the woman say"I render that calabash powerless in Jesus name", she go reply: na lie, e no go work! I no do am to harm person! Na for my own protection! The calabash will not be powerless in Jesus name. Your prayer no go work in Jesus name. Na for my own protection! Na so she just de repeat her prayer point. As the woman stretch hand towards the congregation de pray. She herself lay her hands on her bag de rebuke the prayer.

Finally sha. She use the calabash bath for seven days, but by the time she finish, the guy no de even pick her calls again.
She go back go meet Alfa, Alfa say na her fault for taking the the calabash to church. She ask Alfa say which way forward, Alfa say shebi na husband u de find? Oya come make I marry u na.
Na there my babe know say her problems don triple, cos Alfa self don get two wives.

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GIST FOUR

MYSTERIOUS THIEF

This happened some years back before we moved to our house. There was this week my cousins who lived in Surulere came to spend time with us. On this particular night, while the generator was on my sis went to lock our main door. After locking it she heard a strange noise but she came back to watch tv with us and much later we went to bed only for my cousins came to wake us up that they were hearing noises at d door. 

We tiptoed to d door and d door was shaking as if it was trying to open. Omo naso our hearts just cut say ehen thieves av finally come oh! My cousins started saying ' ah it's like they r trying to cut d burglary! hmmm dats how thieves enter houses in their area. Ah! Jesu! 

Immediately I ran to my parents who were fast asleep

"Mummy,  daddy wake up! Someone is trying to open d door! "

Immediately my parents ran to d sitting room and tiptoed to d door still d noise continued.  

Mumsi ran to d kitchen to carry pestle from d mortar and popsi carried a knife and tightened his wrapper. Omo fear no let us move. 

Naso mumsi provoke and started shouting 'who is there? '. 

 The noise stopped no answer.  After a while it continued. If my parents shout it would stop and later would continue. Mumsi wanted to shout and alert the neighbourhood but my dad stopped her and said we don't know what their plan is. then he said "Nne see what we would do. Give me this pestle, immediately you unlock the door,  open it and this pestle would land on their head. The rest of you go to your room and hide your things oh." 

 Behold as mumsi opened the door and popsi swung the pestle.. Nobody.  They searched and found no one. They locked d door again and that how vigil started oh. Soon enough the noise resumed again Ahan! This time mumsi went to the door again and immediately she unlocked it lo and behold it was one big rat trying to carve a hole between the burglary and the door!  Chai! 

   Omo see as tension just fled.  We couldn't laugh oh till the next morning before it became funny.  Mumsi the storyteller had told all our neighbours and friends countless times of the mysterious thief that tried breaking in. LMAO!! 

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GIST FIVE

UP NEPA

Back in early 2000s, PZ used to have a program for couples to answer questions about themselves. When it was my aunt's turn, we all went to support them as part of the audience. My cousin was around 2 then.

 The moment the program was about to start and the director abi was it producer shouted Cameras! Light! Action! 

The studio lights came on, If you see the way my cousin shouted UP NEPA!!!! Everybody in the audience just started laughing. We eventually had to take her out of the studio.

 I hope say I try small o.

Last weeks winner sent it in just for fun and will not be paid.
I don tire to dey pay 5k 5k every week,I sometimes forget sef.lol

I might have to turn it into a BV who wants to pay this winner thingy where you pay winner whatever you can,either higher than 5k or lower.