Saturday In House Gists

Saturday in house gist is here again!

The winners of last weeks 'Devil's Bournvita' and the week before last have both been credited with 5k each....

Do you see a winner this week?LMAO!

GIST ONE

D-R-I-V-E-R PLEASE STOP

OK so here goes my story. I hope its funny enough to win.

Several years ago before my dad retired from civil service,he was working in Abuja though we were based in Lagos.

I had to travel down from school in Ibadan to Lagos to sort some stuff then supposed to head for Abuja thereafter to join my dad.

Luxurious buses were the preferred mode of transportation from Lagos to Abuja at the time (or so i think)

On this fateful morning i arrived the motor park armed with my already opened five alive juice from the previous day which i did not refrigerate overnight(i believe everyone understands how five alive can become much more acidic to taste after its been opened and not refrigerated)

Anyways i got thirsty or maybe i had the urge to drink some juice. Being sceptical about the juice making my tummy run,i decided to "test run" the juice. 30mins later i felt fine so i drank a whole lot.

Unknown to me,the devil was lurking.

About 30mins after take off,na so my tummy begin rumble in the jungle.

At this point abeg allow me ditch grammar.

I hold the thing like say na lifeline. Shortly after Ibadan,i had 2 to talk. "Driver please i need to ease myself" a couple of passengers turn back look me like say "no be Lagos we just leave now now.why you no piss all your piss there".

Let me state that i am a very shy person oo. I hate to talk in public.

Driver sha stop for me i cum down enter bush quick download the package for there.

Ladies and gentlemen,wen devil wan shame person ehn 2 overcome no easy.

About 40mins into the journey,na so shit resurface in my life. I dey sweat dey find signboard to even know where we don reach but na lie oo. After a while i no fit hold am again,make person no go shit for body as na that one go bad pass. This time i had to confess. "Driver please i need to poopoo". Almost everybody on the bus turn back look me like say "dem use shit swear for you abi na you the devil wan use you".

After a lot of grumbling the bus stopped n i took the walk of shame out of the bus. As i was passing people were grumbling loudly say pls oo the journey is still far,no be only you dey dis bus,we no fit dey stop for only you at every bus stop. 

I sha endured it all.did sharp sharp and got back on the bus. Na so we continue.

About 1hour again.the devil resurfaces. Na him i talk for my mind say if i wan shit for body make i kukuma shit for body. I nor fit to talk say make bus stop for me the third time. Infact i begin cry sef. 

After i start to pray make God pause the shit till i reach my destination.

People of God.this God is a God of miracles. I dunno where this breeze come from. Next thing i knew the bus stopped as i woke up. Wetin happen.we were at lokoja where Abuja bound buses usually stop over. Na miracle??? 

Na me first jump down.head for public toilet.shit correct before we enter road again.

Finally we reach Abuja and i got home smelling badly. I enter house.i no follow anybody talk.enta toilet finallyyyyy shit.baff cum dress up.narrate my shitty experience. Everybody laff tire.

But the shame tho....e no get part 2.

...................................................................................................

GIST TWO

BIRTH STORY

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. 

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model air planes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. 

The kids are watching her in amazement. 

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh, oh, oh!" Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. "My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" 

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much! 

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." 

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.