Saturday In House Gists.

These gists are meant to make your day lighter and it doesn't matter whether they happened or are imaginary...what is important is if you laughed.
The winner takes it all......5k.

I noticed a lot of hype in the comment section of last week's in house gist both on Saturday and Sunday and thats not nice.Please if you sent in a gist,let the people decide,stop using different anons and funny names to hype yourself abeg you....Win cheerfully and lose gallantly.
This is part one,part two will continue Tomorrow in the Sunday in house gists.

GIST ONE

TURKEY PALAVER

Stella, I want to share an embarrassing encounter I had last Friday night. I stay with my married sister and my mom and some cousins came visiting some days ago and have been here since then. This night, we were all in the kitchen making dinner while ‎her husband and my cousins together with some of his friends were watching TV in the sitting room. 

(Abeg make I switch to pigin)

One of them self dey give me eye and me too dey shine teeth with am. We make Jollof we con fry different kind meat and stew them as dey be high class for dem house. After serving everyone else, I decided to serve myself and enjoy my food jejeli o, na so my brother in-law con call me make I con clear were den chop. 

As I carry the plates, I sight say my brother in-law no too chop him turkey, meat still remain for hin body. No be say I no carry meat for my food o, I carry but the glutton in me dey tell me say make I add that turkey join for my food. Just as I carry the meat from the plate make I chop na hin all of them just burst enter kitchen with that him friend o, I no even know when the meat fall for ground for my hand, I just stand there dey look like say make ground open swallow me, the guy just shake head for me commot outside ni o.

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GIST TWO

OBAMA IN NIGERIA

It was a lovely day,the children rose high their flags,people sang songs with joy in their heart.

The soldiers lightened up the air with gun shots, and the secondary school students marching forward singing a lovely anthem. Colourful flags showing the beautiful green and white colour. 

The green colour on the Nigerian flag which represents the green pastures,a land filled with milk and honey. The white colour represents peace and unity.

Soon there was a great noise from the other edge of the stadium,gun shots took the air again,and shortly after then,we heard the sound of the parliaments trumpet. The parliaments trumpet is only used for specific occasion,like this.

I then heard people screaming in loud voices " e don come oo" everyone began to push themselves forward to see the stage where the occasion lead.

Suddenly we all heard a voice say....WELCOME PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA,PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

wow! I was surprised,happy and shocked,I almost fainted but I didn't.

And so I also tried to push myself forward to see the face of the president of the United states. I tried to reach to my pocket to pick my phone so I could take a picture of him.

As I tried to click on the camera on my android phone, I heard the voice of my mum screaming my name....I then opened my eyes,and then I realized it was all a dream.

I sat on my bed for a while,closed my eyes and tried to continue from where I stopped,but then I heard my dad shouting " the soup on fire has gotten burnt"

Immediately,I ran to the kitchen,but nothing could be done....and then I looked into my dad's face,and now I knew I couldn't escape this. I'm going to hear the story of my life, I told myself........

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GIST THREE
RAIN COME SPOIL SHOW

Chai! I will never forget my experience. 2006 I was in 200L in the university. There was this igbira girl with big yansh that I have been toasting but she no gree.. But fortunately or unfortunately one evening I called her (Like I always do) before I go to class for night jackings and she told me she was lonely because her room mate had gone home for the uncle's burial. 

As a sharp guy naw, na so i come talk her into allowing me to come and keep her company o. omo! see excitment! That was how i parked my things o, took a condom and announced to all my house mates that I was going to straf o 
(Una know as boys dey do naw). 

My guys were just hailing left, right and center. Na so I comot from our flat, the next thing I heard was a deafening sound of thunder Gbooom! "E be like say e wan rain o" I said, but my guys gingered me that it wasn't gonna rain before I got there, the other guy even said the rain will make the thing sweeter and encouraged me to rush before okada men start running home.. 

Men! With dat final ginger na so my prick just stand o, i come run enter street to beat the rain. I kept on running with the hope that I will get okada men who would want to take advantage of the rain to make sharp money. My people na so rain come start o! Chai! see me inside rain, no shade, no okada and with my note book and a class mate's own i borrowed to copy in school that evening.. 


Hmmm! the rain beat me sote i nearly die.To worsen the whole mata the babe was calling me, I tried to answer na, na so water beat my fone finish. To cut the long story, after the rain na so I trek come back house shivering, my books and my mate's own were condemned, I caught a very bad cold, I spent 3000 naira to fix my phone's screen and I have never received the kind of laughter I got from my house mates anywhere in life before then. 

To add insult to injury, the reason why the babe was calling me was to tell me that a friend of hers came and they ran out of the house together before the rain to watch DIEGO and PARLOMA in her neighbour's place who had DSTV. 

Joke apart, I hated myself for a whole week. I even started going to church after that incident just to make myself happy.

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GIST FOUR

GHOST

I was taking a short cut home recently beside a burial ground in the evening. Some guy was coming behind me and suddenly turned back and started running, I immediately turned and wondering if there`s danger ahead I also started running after him. Then he started shouting ghost! ghost!! ghost!!! 

Just then I increased my speed to Gear 5. Two other men and one Lady that had also joined that short path quickly took to their heels and were also shouting. We all ran out into the major road and were panting as people gathered. People curiously asked what exactly is the matter and none of us responded until the guy right behind me as first broke the silence by saying that he did not see me when he joined the pathway so when he sighted me in his front, he then thought i was a GHOST.

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GIST FIVE

WETIN I NOR CHOP...

     I grew up in a war zone,when i say war zone,i totally mean it, i have five siblings all guys,living together with my mum in a flat,there was always one crazy event to another.

  On one occasion,one of my bro was making lots of money from a particular business of his,but he was greedy that period,refused to give to other of my siblings even if they requested for it as loan,he always refused,another of my bro took this particular greedy act of his to heart and was busy planning how to make him lose the money he was earning since he was always greedy.

   He planned on how to steal his money severally but failed,one particular evening,my mum went to night vigil,he came back home at night with one sexy babe,took permission from the other of my sibling (the greedy one) to use the room for the night,it was necessary as they both share same room,told him he can return back to the room very early in the morning.

   Early in the morning by 5am, i actually slept in the sitting room that night,i woke up and saw him sneaking out of the house,i asked him while he was moving slowly,he told me he was going out for jogging,and ordered me to go wake the other of my sibling (the greedy one) to return back to their room.

   My bro (the greedy one) gladly woke as he was tired of sleeping on the sofa,went to their room and met the babe still in the room,he was surprised,the next thing the girl jumped at him and held his clothes,and said the other guy has ran away,that seems they were twin because they actually look alike,she requested money for last night enjoyment,the girl was actually a prostitute he picked from a brothel,the babe started screaming "DEM DON FUCK FINISH NO GREE PAY OOO"......

The rest of my bros woke up and we all went up to the room,even threatened her but the girl was sure that we must pay her all her money for our brother last night enjoyment...

   The rest of my bro were all broke and pleaded with my bro who was being held (the greedy one) to pay since he has been making money,mean while,this girl was crying attracting outsiders,my bro (the greedy one) was also crying "WETIN I NOR CHOP", after about an hour,he finally paid her 5k,the girl took her stuff and left.

  My bro who actually slept with the babe came back home later in the day and confronted the other of my bro (the greedy one) asking him why he paid,that the babe is not a prostitute,saying he met her in a funeral and agreed to give her shelter, and told him he doesn't pay for sex,and as a result wont pay him back his money, this resulted in a big fight,and my mum came back home and we all gave our side of the story and she said she cant pay for one her son to commit fornication,that if they like,they can wrestle for the entire day.......

    My bro (the greedy one) later relaxed about the repay and they continued hunting each other...i grew up in a war zone....A REAL WAR ZONE........

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GIST SIX
CALLING THE 'CEO'

This happened some weeks back. I got a call from a lady offering me a job, I purportedly applied for. So it went like this: 

(phone rings and I picked)
Me: Hello, who's calling?
Caller: Is that Mr X?
Me: Yes, who wants to know?
Caller: This is Liz, (her name on true caller showed Bisola). From the front desk of Michael Stephens consulting.
Me: Ok, how may I help you?
Caller: I call to inform you that your interview is scheduled for the ....... at our headquarter.
Me: Interview ba wo (with a calm voice). What firm and position if I may ask?
Caller: Just a minute, (waited for a few seconds). Oh Sir, for the CEO of .....(mentioned a big company).

Me: That is impossible...(she cuts in)
Caller: How do you mean sir?

Me: How can I. Have you heard of nexus technologies (formed it)?
Caller: I think so Sir.

Me: I'm the CEO, and this is my direct line. How could you have gotten my number? I am a bit confused here. How could I be applying to be the ceo of another firm. When I'm already overseeing a big american firm, that supplies the oil and gas industry it hardwares. Tell me how.

Caller: Forgive me Sir, it must have been a mistake from the HR. I'm sorry Sir.

Me: It's ok, but from an HR department, that is untidy of you.

Caller: The memo was mailed to me, Sir.

Me: Look Bisola or what is your name.

Caller: Yes Sir, Bisola Sir.

Me: People call me to give them jobs not the other way round. If you need a job say so, because I think you are in the wrong profession. Not with such liquid voice.

Caller: I need a job Sir. I don't mind getting a job from you Sir.

Me: Alright, are you with a pen?

Caller: Yes Sir.

Me: Good, send your CV  and cover letter to careers@nexus.com with the subject CEO interview.

Caller: Thank you Sir, I'll send it now.

Me: Send it now and we'll take it from there.

Caller: God bless you Sir. I'm grateful Sir.

Me: Take care. (Call ended)

By noon, she called back saying the mail failed. So I apologised for my mistake and gave her another email address to send her cv. An hour latter she called back again with the same issue. Na here I come change am for her. See una think say uno wise abi, better go look for something good to do with you talent. Before someone go give you curse wey go carry you land for MFM. And instantly I heard "Mo gbe," and cut the call.
Laff nearly suffocate me.

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GIST SEVEN
ALL I DO IS WIN

I relocated from Naija to Europe some years back because of marriage. So when I arrived, one of the things I really enjoyed was/is the cool Internet connection and speed. One time on Facebook there was a page I was following. They had this competition going on where they would choose a random winner. I wished I would be chosen. 
The next day I was shocked to see that I was actually the winner. Wow my joy knew no bounds. For those who have won stuff before,  you would understand this joy better. Anyways I won a baby car seat. The following week I entered another competition. This time, in the US. There were hundreds of competitors. I was almost intimidated by the number. Anyway I won that too. I won some sanitary products. I tried yet another and came out victorious. Wow.

 I'm on a roll I said to my DH. He said to me: be careful don't let it get to your head. Then I won some trips with some airlines within Europe. As if that wasn't enough I won three ship cruises. Hmm mm.  Another time I was randomly chosen on another page I was following and won a baby trolley. Wow I couldn't believe my luck. 

I even changed my ringtone to ALL I DO IS WIN BY DJ KHALID.

Then one day I saw one site where they claim to give away free books if you join their hobby club. And that you also get a chance to learn some handwork. You see, I love books a whole lot. So I didn't see any reason why not. DH said be careful.  I didn't listen. I registered to be a member. They asked for address to send the first set of free books. So I sent. The books arrived with some knitting and sewing kits. I was so so excited. The following month, another set came. I began smiling from ear to ear. But my smile froze as soon as I got to the last book. Attached to it was a bill of about 15,000 naira. Wtf?? 

I then mailed them. They said oh, I would be getting these books monthly. And they are not free. Na then I begin realise say I Don enter one chance. So I asked what if I don't want these books?  They said if you don't want them, then you can post it back to us. So I said that I will but that I would also love to cancel my membership. They said I have an obligation to be a member for a full year before I can opt out. Ha!!! 

I began imagining the stress I would go through monthly going to post their books back to them plus the cost of postage.  It was not funny let me tell you. So they referred me to a section  on their site where the rules were written IN TINY PRINTS. No wonder I didn't notice. The wheels in my head began turning. 

I was seriously thinking of ways to get out of the mess I put myself in. So I noticed a part under the membership rules where they said that if as a member you need to go on a trip, it's advisable to mail them and inform them so they won't send the books while you are away. Then I got a light bulb moment lol. 

I'm sure you can guess what I did next. I mailed of course claiming that I needed to travel to Naija for 6 months. This was last year. They replied and said okay. They won't send me books for 6months and I should also note that my obligatory one year membership was supposed to end on April 2015. But since I'm travelling it's going to extend to October 2015. 

Jesus!!!! 

I knew I was in very serious trouble. So I have been paying the price of sending the books back to sender every month . And October can't come quick enough. I can't wait to be end that membership. And DH hasn't stopped mocking me ooh.