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Living with a secretive spouse can be a nightmare but shouldn't you also stop trying to snoop on their stuff? even in marriage,there is something called individual privacy,has nothing to do with cheating or not trusting you.....just a little space to breathe without you breathing down their neck....doesn't mean you are less loved.
...isn't your marriage different from the one your friend or sister has?why do you keep comparing notes?
read this
''I married a man who has been so sweet to me in all aspect but one. He likes to hide his bank details, and how much he owns, his phones, delete notifications, doesn't let me drive his car etc. let me explain...
While we were dating I never took any of these seriously because I didn't think it was important or it will deteriorate to worst. He always says he likes his things and rather than for him to share things with me, he rather buys me mine. He got me an iPhone 5 because he wouldn't let me go through his iPhone 5 to see how it looks like when IPhone 5 first came out, and when iPhone 5s came out he upgraded and I wasn't so interested in upgrading because I felt they were all the same.
The greatest gift iPhone 5s has given my husband is the finger print pass wording. He finger protect the phone and chats like bbm,chats and whats app. This I found out last night when I wanted to play smart and opened his phone with his finger while he was sleeping.
I was shocked to find out his chats apps were finger protected and I didn't know which of his ten fingers or 10 toes he used. I woke him up and accused him of cheating and he repeated the same lines he has always used whenever I accuse him of cheating.
"God forbid i am not cheating".
If he isn't why the need to wipe his phone notifications, protect his phone, bank details, his things like cars and hoard his life away from me. I am his wife not his girlfriend. If he didn't trust me why did he marry me?
I am the opposite of him, my openness is like a disease. I am as open as a book. Even when he's not interested in knowing things I tell him. He knows how much am worth in every naira and kobo. The idea of him hoarding his bank details or not even telling me how much he owns is beginning to hurt our marriage because we can't set a budget of what we can spend in a month. He might claim he doesn't have money but then next thing he's buying something I consider extravagant.
So am unconsciously believing he has more than he says and when he tells me there is no money I don't believe him. I have tried to work with what am told but every time, am disappointed to find out he's buying stuff or he's about to buy stuff we practically don't need presently!
I am not materialistic, never have been, I don't ask him for money. Even when my sister in law suggested that I start asking him for a monthly allowance. I made a few noise to him and now that topic had been abandoned.
Am writing this in tears because I have just realized that I do not know the man I married. If anything happens to him God forbid that to happen, and am questioned as his wife, I will be laughed at as being dumb because am sure most of the answers I will give will be "I don't know".
I know people say stay away from snooping but the more he hides from me the more curious I am to find out what is really going on with him. I'm beginning to think of hiring a private investigator or something. He bought me a small car because he won't let me drive his car but his brothers drive his!
The car has been sold, so now am "car-less" and am still not trusted with his car. Rather he tells me to be patient he will get me another.... Am going crazy!
I don't want another! I want to share. The meaning of sharing is what I ask for!!! My sister told me that I shouldn't over think the car issue that her husband is the same but now she drives his car... I think am ranting Stella please let me stop here... Am slowly going crazy.
What am I to do? Is there anything I have to work on? Patience? trust?
anything please let me know apart from this his flaws, (if they are)
the man I married is an angel but maybe I want more''.
*Madam,read the story of Oliver twist and what happened when he asked for more!
Marriage shouldn't mean loss of individual privacy...you seem to be hell bent on 'snooping'.
hes prolly hiding something...so if you find proof?wetin you go do?
Abeg enjoy your marriage and earn his trust.all else will follow....my two cents.
Snoop till u find wat he's hiding or rest n u'll be fine
ReplyDeleteMy sister u are very single, that man just married you cos u accepted to be his toy, so how do u even do it, how do u run ur home without any monthly plan, why did u even marry him in d first place, oh u tot u ll ve more rights over him wen he marries u dats y u played d fool all along, well welcome to ur reality, u r stuck with him. My advice is dat u device means to extort money from him and save.
DeleteIt's so sad when people try to change the original purpose and the dynamics of marriage
DeleteIf two shall become one, where's the division?
I am a man, a married man and I know that when men are as secretive as this, it is because they have a lot to hide.
Poster, you noticed these things in courtship, you didn't have to comit yourself to this marriage hoping he would change, what you see in courtship that you do not like, gets worse with marriage.
We have 3 cars in the house, one in my name, one in my wife's name and the last one in our names, apart from the one reserved for Sunday church and other family events, either if us drives any of the other cars regardless....
My wife knows what I earn, i know what she earns. We do not run a joint account but our individual ATM cards have the same passwords cus sometimes we have cause to use finds from each others account.
Our phones DO NOT have passwords yet no one pries.
I am not trying to cut the picture of a perfect marriage here because there is none anywhere but there are some fundamental issues in marriage that if downplayed defeats the very essence of marriage.
If my wife has no car, we share mine till there's another for her. If you cannot be open to your spouse in marriage, whom will you be open to?
It's so sad that married men would allow one social network lover to undermine the joy of their wives at home and vice versa because a lot of women have become private too cus they are keeping clandestine Internet relationships their spouses mustn't know about so they password everything they have.
It's a shame because we do not know the gravity of dome of the things we do, some have traded their glorious destinies and even that if their children for silky pleasures. Cheating, being secretive and distancing yourself from your spouses is Spiritual and the price you pay at the end is Grave.
Poster, you are already in it and cannot leave your marriage now, you just have to endure it cus you did while courting. Imagine, his brothers can drive his car but not you, yet people are here saying you are prying. God will help you and heal your home!!!
If u are not ready for what u will discover after you go snooping, then don't snoop.
DeleteWhat u discover might hurt u so bad so are u ready?
My boyfriend gave me cause to snoop cos of his secretive lifestyle. I am a very calm person, so I was patient enough to spy till I got his password- phone, messages, facebook et al. I knew all his secrets. I knew every girl he fucked and where he fucked them. I knew his bank details, I knew what he was up to. I saw all the lies he told girls as an excuse for not taking them to his house(I was a live-in-lover and we were to get married). I knew him inside out. I knew he smoked hemp and was always using viagra. I knew his supplier. I knew too much. *smh*. I never confronted him cos he will know I have access to his secrets.
BUT, it ruined our relationship cos I stopped loving him and couldn't bear him touching me anymore. I called it quits.
So are u ready to bear the consequences of discovering his secrets- whatever they may be?
Meanwhile, its bad to keep secrets in a relationship especially marriage.
Mr Nmamdi,1000 likes for ur comment.you ve said it all...
DeleteMr Nmamdi,1000 likes for ur comment.you ve said it all...
Delete@Nnamdi. Well said. With a foundation like urs the chances of having issues are super slim. I don't even mind if I do not know my hubby's exact income in figures, because as a man he should be allowed a little financial privacy for the sake of his ego. As long as he gives approximate figures that will enable us be guided every month on our expenditure, that is fine by me. But Not blotting me out completely like the poster here.
DeleteEvery man has a set standard that he lays as the foundation for his marriage. But having to code everything can make one seem like u are just cohabiting under duress, and soon enough u feel u are being ostracised emotionally. It is actually more painful than finding that ur man is cheating.
Another woman is not always the only reason a man will behave like the poster's hubby. It is a more complex issue that is far beyond him cheating on her. And I think it can be traced to his background as a younger lad.
Perhaps he grew up in this same atmosphere, seeing his father do same to his mom. With his father being in charge, and his mother not asking questions...passively. Some men think that by this, their ego as the head of the house will not be challenged. Very archaic mindset I must say. This is one of the reasons that I kick against married couples who eventually start to share different bedrooms. You begin to drift apart.
Poster, unfortunately it is too late to change this man. Trust me, u will have to endure this forever. The only thing that can possibly change to avoid issues will have to be ur own mindset, and that is accepting it and taking ur mind off it. As long as he's responsible with the home front and he does the needful, I think u should over look it and keep praying. There's no therapy that can remove this habit from him. Godspeed
I might also add that the issue doesn't strike as though he is cheating. If that is the case the only issue u would have is the access to his personal devices like ipad and his phone. But with urs, u can't drive his car, u can't access his monies etc. This would usually not be the signs of a cheating spouse. Though it could be partly so, but not exclusively.
DeleteGod bless you Mr Nnamdi. Truth is any woman saying the man is entitled to his privacy probably cheats on her husband and keeps some things private too. So many married women cheat these days and its such a shame how they have defiled their marriage beds and it worries me what the future of children born to grossly adulterous women will be because my Mum always told me it carries a curse with it.
DeleteAs for a grossly secretive man like the husband of the poster, i can't deal cus we can't even go past a few dates not to talk of full courtship and consequently, marriage even if I'm desperate.
Once again, Mr Nnamdi and all men like you, God bless you Biiiig!!!!
Na wa. O
DeleteMr nnnamdi is a wise fellow, may God bless your home
DeleteNo one would understand how it feels until you are the one invloved, my hubby used to hide his bank details, yet he had even the password to my atm
At a time I had to sit him down and explain how it made me feel, and he actually changed
Its not easy you, it seems like you are a thief or you want to know so you can kill him, its not a nice feeling seriously
Nnamdi I love your response.
DeleteI think different strokes for different folks and it's good to set the rules before hand. The poster knew her husband was like this before they got married and it didn't bother her. Now its driving her insane. Don't do anything rash that will jeopardise your marriage and you will start to regret.
My two cents.
Oh! Not again! Marriage stories every day! Oya lemme go and read dis one... Bring it on!!!
ReplyDeleteU should have addressed this issue before u married him #handwritting things. Now i think u have 2 options:
Delete1, snoop until u find out what Iit is he's hiding and be prepared to bear d consequences.
2, continue to ignore like u did before marrying him and concentrate on his good areas
My 2 cents
Click my name for all your celebration cakes n cupcakes, Cheers
Ma story is almost similar,I married a nice man,God fearing and honest but d problem is he's too secretive. As in too too secretive. He hadly tell me things,I don't no his worth,how much his salary is,when he's happy or not,don't even no when to ask 4 moni cos I don't no if he has or not,but he has a friend dat he tells everytin to,when I mean,every,I mean all he's suppose to share with his wife but he's friend nos all. Ma hubby dey build house but no tell me,dat is best friend nos about d house and his wife told me,I was so shocked. I hear most tins from dis ma hubby wife o can u imagine,men,I don beg,cry,do wahala,pray,@lest dat he sud b open to me instead of telling his friend all things but he refused.pls my fellow readers,what sud I do.pls advise me on dis my over secretive husband wey I get ooo. Ngo babe.
DeleteCuriosity kills the cat when you snoop around, unless there's cause to. Looking for an alternative, then go for fashion. Check out SNOOD And SATCHEL On youtube.
DeleteBLOG ANALYSER: My husband to be is just like ur husband but the difference is that he shares his things with me. However, he is secretive in the sense that he rarely talks about his problems and secrets unlike me, I tell him everything. It was a huge problem between us, I kept speaking to him about it. He did not change immediately bt gradually as the relationship progressed to marriage level he started talking. I have also realised that he is the kind of person that does not complain except if it bothers him too much. Dearie, for ur husband's finance I don't think you should know the exact amount he has. Men have ego, it is also in their nature to always say they don't have money just to make you to reduce the expenditure.In life apply wisdom to every thing, if u discover that he is buying things even he says he does not have money. Pretend, smile nd then the next month u can also claim you don't have it will make him to bring out more for your budget. However,I believe knowing his banks and the accounts numbers is enough for you. Lastly, do you want him to be going tru ur own phone regularly. Let him be, if he doesn't like it don't allow it to bother you. If he sees u don't care he will let his guts down.
DeleteWhy are u looking for trouble where there is none? pls leave the man alone.give him his privacy. Umunwanyi na nsogbu . Chukwuzoba gi
ReplyDeleteThat's how my husband was too, too secretive. Everyone said don't snoop, he's a man, until one day a woman bring belle come jam us for house say na my husband give am! Now should I have insisted on knowing then or was it good I didn't snoop?
DeleteNow i've read it. Ermm, did one pass my power... Taking the back seat!!!
ReplyDeleteIs that ur advice? Take a back seat? U should take a back seat if u have nothing to say then shut up! Don't turn this blog to Linda's haters commenter blog. People trust stella with their home that's why they come here in the first place! Anu-ofia
DeleteAnon 12:16, u are the Anu-ofia here. Ezi like u! Read my comment again and digest it properly... I got no constructive advice 4 poster dat was y I said am taking the back seat 2 read comments as I got nuffin 2 say. Next time read well b4 u throw insults ... Ozu wulawu...
DeleteAturu bunny
DeleteUseless Bunny, what is ozu wulawu ......useless Ezi wawa girl
DeleteAnu ofia
Let go and live. That's all I have to say, everything will fall into place. I believe your marriage is young, with time u'll be co-signatory to his account. As long as his a good name and loves you, don't think too much about anything. Life is too short for trivial worries.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is definitely hiding something.
ReplyDeleteStella that's statement is soo unfair! The fact that he's hiding something makes you curious! My dad was like that, that's why I always date guys opposite. Till date we can't access my dad's acct and properties which d man died 5yrs ago because he didn't trust anyone enough to confide in. Thank God his bro was his lawyer if not we would have lost a lot of things, Sebi na even if u knw dem exist u fit fight for them. Please talk to him about it and snoop! It's your right na the type u go discover get a whole family somwher else when he dies. Make it a big deal, call family meeting if possible. U can't drive his car? Ontop Wetin? I have my bf's atm pin, I drive his car anyhow. I obtain it for weeks sef and he cabs around not to talk of been married. Wisdom is profitable to direct madam
ReplyDeleteJust like my dad.he died nobody even his wife knows in atm password etc.we are just struck. Now am married .am trying to make sure that my hubby is not secretive
DeleteMadam go nd rest.u dey enjoy joor...
ReplyDeleteClassy Mama
Waiting f marriage experts t roll in dier comments; ds one pass me.
ReplyDelete@bunny, e be like say back seat don full, Abeg come lap me.
ReplyDelete@ Trina biko bia osiso... lol
DeleteI don't get it. Why won't he allow u drive his car. Some men are just so selfish. I tink u should sit him down and sort things out with him. U shd be able to drive ur husband's car.
ReplyDeleteMadam you are jobless! Aku and I will send you a trailer load of egusi to break. Won't you face your meat? See how you just dey run Kati Kati dey look for wetin no dey. Hian!
ReplyDeleteHian aga agbasikwa the Egusi agbasi?
DeleteBut Juli nwa, I no blame the poster, this kain thing dey paaain!
Ka odi mgbe agbasalu uka.
A woman is worried cz her hubby cannot confide in her nd u tag her jobless......may u meet dt kind of man so u know exactly how it feels...idiot!!!!
DeleteWetin I wan meet that kind man for? I already have a good man #tongueout! You r a bigger idiot!
DeleteAku happy Sunday
Its called marriage,two people leaving their families and everything else to be together....what's snooping and what's a marraige with trust issues,yes he needs his privacy but damn,she is his wife.....abeg I'm tired of all this official marriage stories...how can a man allow his broda drive his car and the wife is a stranger?what ever happpened to sharing and communication....madam he is sure hiding things,snoooooop snoop all u can n get to the root of the matter.....I keep saying I'll rather remain single than marry a man we are not 'friends'....nuff said
ReplyDeleteThat's the reason you are probably still fucking single
DeleteAnd u that is married how happy are u,in ur fucking misery runing to pastors and blogs for advice cindy baby says so*cindy baby*
Deleteshe is single and happy while you are married and fucking frustrated....rubbish! So marry a man you don't know is better...Smh for you!!
DeleteIt seems this man is my husband's twin. Our stories are almost same from the allowance even to the car story. I've decided no be an 'Uche Onise' and face my work. I can't kill myself abeg, cos the fear of the unknown is worse than the real deal. Just let go and hope for the best, focus on being a better you. Even if your worst fears in whatever form becomes confirmed, you really can't change who he is or will be. Don't get unnecessarily worked up. Choose your battles wisely.
ReplyDeleteLol @ uche onise.
DeleteI had one ex that was always lying about how much he earns and hyping how much he paid as rent. The day I saw one of his pay slips on the floor of the closet, I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. I said to myself, see dis mumu man oo. From that moment, I knew we had no future together, then wat I was doin was ask him salary and rent related question just to watch him lie to me.. Hahahha I enjoy watchin ppl lie wen I already knw the truth
Lmaoo. Me too o. That's how one liar liar man lied to me that he bought the house he stays in Lagos. Infact his lies can raise the dead and set the captive into more confusion. He said he bought the house for 300m bla bla. That's how one day, I was in his house alone and I wasn't snooping o, cos I hate it. But I found his tenancy agreement of the said house. Infact ehn, I realised I know his landlady sef. He rented it for just 2years. If u know the extent at which he lied ehn, u will advice me to go to MFM for accumulated abused 'hearing' deliverance. Liar liar
DeleteThis is serious o...bt il say just keep to ur own lane ...giv him d privacy he wants. Men can be very funny atimes.
ReplyDeleteMy ex was like dt ...n it almost made paranoid. Diff password for his bbm pics, diff password for his convos, diff pw to log into his laptop, diff pw to view pics...sometimes he even gives me d pw bt its so complicated dt I cant even rmbr dem ...mix of nos, alphabets n signs...sometimes up to 18 characters...aw he even rmbrs dem...I dont knw...coupled wt some oda tins...I just decided to leave him...his life was too complicated for me...can u imagine dating someone for 3 yrs n nt knwn who is real father was ..dnt get me wrong o...he always says he has 2 dads...d oda person was his uncle who has bn very influential to his life...bt I always tot dt was his real dad ...n he neva even cleared d air for me...
Anyways am married now to d best man on earth...bt he too has his own flaw...which some ppl wl see as a positive bt it sometimes drives me mad.
My husband blivs everything is gossip...he tells me all abt himself...no secrets...I av al his passwords...even most times I change it to unify al our passwords so we wnt be tryn hard to rmbr anythin...I av al d details of his acct n company...al his emails r signed to my phone so I get notifications even for all his withdrawals n deposits...
Bt my husband cant tell me stuffs abt ppl...whether good or bad...he sees it as gossip...he wl see my pregnant friend somewhere. ..even tho he tells me he saw her..bt he wl neva mention she is pregnant until I hear she gives birth. ...sometimes my friends buy new cars...or houses or changes jobs or even travel..my husband wl knw n not tell me...and wen my friends later tell me...sometimes expectn me to av congratulated dem cos my husband knew...I find it so hard to say I dint knw al d while...it always looks weird. ..see I dont live in same country as him...i left a while ago...and des r my good friends who I wish very well ..and he works in same office wt...bt he just cannot tell me abt anyone..
He has always bn like dt...he doesnt read blogs...he says its all gossip...he is a very good guy...sometimes my friends n other colleagues discusses stuffs wt him mayb abt der relationships or general life...he wl neva tell me...and wen I chat wt my friends n dey open up to me...dey dont always bliv wen I say I dint knw cos dey wl say...'but I told ur husband 6 months ago'...most times I just smile...bt I feel pained...
Dont get me wrong...am a good christian I dont go abt gossipin or spreadn rumours bt I just bliv as husband n wife...we shld share all our tots...d good side tho is he doesn't discuss me wt anyone too...nt even his family..if I dont tell dem anything abt me...dey wldnt knw..nt even his sis dt I av a good rapport wt...
I knw am rantn bt sometimes it worries me alot...bt wen I rmbr who my ex was...I jst thank God am avin dis to 'deal' wt rather than a secretive n lying husband.
Poster...am nt tryin to discourage u..am just sayin men r wonderful n dey see life differently...let him be...accept him for who he is...understand him...n stop botherin abt it...otherwise u wl bcom frustrated n myt start to annoy him...
For me...I just wait till d news bcom general before I find out cos if I rely on my hubby.. I no go hear anythin...
Abeg u have a principled husband and I applaud him. What are u pained about? Eh..i hate men who talk too much. You see what u just said, that he doesn't even talk to his own family about u...that is very good. would u rather he blabbed about because u want to know what's up? He is a very wise man so leave him alone. He's not ur CNN information raider abeg. He is a real man from all indications. Wise men listen more but talk less. That's exactly what u have so thank God.
DeleteMhhh my own husband was like dat until I turned him to my partner in crime. ..seriously there is dis sweet thing about gossiping with just ur husband i really enjoy his company now more than any other. Not dat we discuss people most times but we really know too much between us about anything and everything, in fact we talk codedly and hide nothing from each other. He knows all about my friends and I about his in fact we are like siblings. Poster believe me there isn't absolutely nothing wrong with chit chatting with your spouse it's extremely healthy in relationships u don't need an outsider to telling you who your husband is, ,and mind you hubby is a very busy guy but we still have our non busy times
DeleteMy dear its not wrong to feel the way u r feeling the issue is u haven't acted well communication daz wat is lacking u have been looking for solution without toking to him stop accusing him of cheating bcos u are not sure stop nagging him too I feel u should tok to him abt how u feel do it wen he is happy am sure he will listen and give u reasons y he is doing dat let him also see the reasons y u should know abt those things & how its affecting ur union after all this take it to God I believe things will work out well after u have done this.Communication is wat most couples lack dy assume thing instead to toking to each oda voicing out ur issues so ir can b solved
ReplyDeleteMy bf seems to be ur husband's twin. We talk of marriage bt if I tell you im nt scared, id be the biggest joker. I have no idea wt his accounts read. I knw he has a lot coz he doesnt joke wt his sisters. Buys them phones, laptops, their monthly allowance without delay, every single thing they want. Im nt the type dt asks for money. I feel he shd give me since he knws quite well I need it. Bt he always expects me to ask. And I hate it. He is an angel bt wen it comes to things like his account details, im nt let into it. Dts d onky issue that might hinder me from marrying him.
ReplyDeletePerhaps he is waiting to marry u before letting u into that part of his life. And there's nothing wrong with that. If u refuse to marry him, you'll never know. And u would have lost out for assuming he wouldn't. And besides, if of all the other vital issues btw a man and a woman, his acct details is the only aspect he leaves u out of, I fail to see his wrong doing dear. Why do u want to know anyway?
DeleteSigh! Madam go n sleep.....u hv no case! if u wnt high blood pressure continue snooping then wen u r diagnosed of having it, u wud blame d devil, abeg rest!
ReplyDeleteHave you prayed over it?
ReplyDeleteLol
You are just silly! Trivializing an important thing.
DeleteThis is not normal
ReplyDeleteUr hubby is hiding something
Are u sure he is not in a shady business
Wetin he dey hide?
It will be in ur interest to find out what it is
*something is not right and u know what it is
My exact thought!
DeleteI knw hw d poster feels...and I'm someone like ur husband too, I soo hate sharing! I'd ratha buy u urs dan share wth u. Doesn't mean I don't trust d people arnd me, it's just dat d few times I decide 2 share my stuff, I always av cause 2 complain. Coz people never treat my things d way I would. It's so bad dat I evn hate people sitting/sleeping on my bed coz dey won't lay it bk like I wd.
ReplyDeleteI av frnds nd roomates who av come 2 understand me, nd we've lived in peace all dese years.
As much as it hurts u ma'am, and as hard as it may be, I think u shd give ur husband his space. Understand dat it's his type of person and hope he loosens up wth time. I'm changing too, because I'm surrounded wth friends who wud share deir blood wth u if u asked, nd I jst feel awkward whn dey ask 4 sth as lil as powder nd I say no. So I think dat besides giving him his space nd all dat, u shd share ur own things wth him as often as u can. If he won't share his, continue sharing urs wth him. He'll thaw eventually. Sorry 4 d epistle o. x_x I wish u all d best. All dese stories wnt stop me frm gettin married sha..#hopelessromantic
Selfish, that's what you are
DeleteSelfish idiot better go and get delivered ur parents are the cause they saw it in u wen u were little dem no fit beat d hell out of you and take u for councelling
DeleteErr..did u see d part whr I said I'd ratha buy u urs dan share??? I'm nt selfish. I just make some thngs xclusive 2 myself. And dose thngs I keep 2 myself, I buy a spare nd tell my frnds dey can use dat one. I can't even begin 2 explain hw dese thngs work in my head yh. But Swthrt, drz a diff btwn selfishness nd wateva it is I do. Some say it's OCD, whatever! But d one thng I'm nt is selfish. Far frm it! And like I said, I'm changing. My friends av been a positive influence. nw if u don't av anythn better 2 say, just move on 2 d next comment. Sheesh!
DeleteAnon 1:18pm......ur case has gone beyond secretive...u are selfish,,,haba..u cant ven give powder,,,u'll probably think d person will stain ur hands with d powder.....pls change before u marry ooo....
DeleteNonsense rubbish talk @ anonymous 1:18. Mtschew. I wonder who sticks people like you
DeleteSee dem. Uche onises. Face ur work!!! Or die hating! D people who stick wth me r people u'll neva measure up 2 in any form. Dey correct me wth love nd without cussing me out @anonymous 11:02 and 6:29.. See dem. Bitter mo-fos. @sleekreek. I am changing, I've said dat alrdy. D idiots jammin deir mouths, like u don't av faults u'r improving on urselves. Stupid self righteous pigs. Abeg shift. I'm pretty sure y'all dint help d poster wth advice o, b trolling on oda pipl's comments. And I was evn tryn nt 2 b rude sef. Mtchew. Bullcrap!
DeleteAnon 1:18pm......ur case has gone beyond secretive...u are selfish,,,haba..u cant ven give powder,,,u'll probably think d person will stain ur hands with d powder.....pls change before u marry ooo....
DeleteStella i disagree wit u. Dis woman doesnt know her man! Marriage is abt companionship & u shuld be able to share wit ur partner it doesnt mean u are snooping around, rather it makes u feel loved, & dat u are one, it builds relationship. From her write up d man shares with fam members but not his wife, his attitude is enough to break a marriage cos dey can gradually drift apart
ReplyDeleteWell she shud not disturb herself but find something doing cos i'm sure she's not working that's why she wants to know everything, so what if he's cheating what wud u do? Since he provides for u, no DV on his part and u say he's an angel cept 4 ur i wanna know evrytin wahala, leave him if u continue wit ur accusations he might get irritated and start drifting farther 4rm u, poster dnt nag until he becums worse, rather pray till he's better.
ReplyDeleteMiss Somerhalder
How senseless and unwise can you be Miss Somerhalder?
DeleteWell I undstd ur plight madam he's obviously hiding sometin,1.he does'nt want u to knw his worth as in bank details, perharps u'd start tellin him to spend nd hw not to my dad is lyk dat,he's worth millions we. Knw bt all the 26yrs of marriage with my mum,mum can't categorically tell hw much pops earns monthly oh yes ,nd for d car ish I cnt figure out y he does'nt want u driving it,I tink he's being selfish,well just mind ur biznes ,stp snoopin nd enjoy ur marriage,,need I mention he ought to be given u household allowance monthly,or u mean to say u buy foodstuff nd all?
ReplyDeleteIf you are a free and open person yet you live with or are married to a very secretive person then it can be very frustrating so I get where the writer is coming from hence her rant!people say it's wrong to check your husband's phone my question is why would the hubby or anyone be angry if he didn't have something to hide? My friend mistakenly stumbled on her Hubby's password and that was when she rearranged her life.she discovered that hubby had a son out of wedlock whom he sents to the UK for studies,wanted to confront him but I told her to act ignorant for a while, that was how she discovered her house help was pregnant for him and he was planning to divorce my friend and marry the help.PS: my friend had 2 boys and a girl for him.she was able to plan her life from there and when he served her the divorce papers,she wasn't stranded and broke!
ReplyDeleteEleyi gidi gaaaaan Jesu
DeleteChill madam...Ka afutachasia ka mgbo ji tuo enwe n'isi
ReplyDeleteStella that's a bad advice to give her. You Nigerian married women have double standards. It's obvious her marriage is new so she needs your experience. The annoying part is that you noticed all this traits while courting him, that is the best time to correct it not after marriage. You shouldn't be snooping on your hubby's phone but it's obvious he trying so hard to keep you away. Maybe he has trust issues. Secondly, why don't you collect money from him, I don't understand that part. Women should learn to be women. Let man be in charge and foot the bills and most especially your bills. I think you should sit him down and talk to him, let him know how you feel, if possible invite your parents. God forbid if you lose him tomorrow to death, you can't account for anything. You and your kids will suffer and his family and friends will claim everything. It happened to my mum's friend. Most men don't tell their wives how much they earn or what they are worth. I think this mindset should be corrected. Once you are married you become one. Desist from snooping though, like they say what you know nothing about won't hurt you..my two cents...xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteA million likes. U ve said it all. I can't imagine my hubby hiding things from me, hmmm e go bad o.
DeleteI beg being secretive is as bad a sickness as stingyness!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,I'll advise that you sit your husband down and tell him how you feel because assumptions kill!You might think he's cheating and he might not be.And then,you need to let him understand that you've become one and things should be done in unity,things should be shared...I believe dialogue is the first step you need to take on this issue...(I'm not married so I don't have much to contribute to this,manage my 2cents.)
ReplyDeletePoint of correction...u actually knew d man you were going to marry even b4 u married him but you jst turned a blind eye thinking he would change or you will change him bt too bad it dosnt work dt way
ReplyDeleteTrust me u will find something unpleasant.so or your own good stay clear,he will fill u in in due time.
ReplyDeletePoster don't you have kids? Those can keep you very busy . If none yet then find something that will keep you very busy & excited. Trust me your problem is not that serious. Pls try to calm down. Finally, you need to start saving like seriously so you could be able to afford some nice things for yourself.
ReplyDeleteBreezy
I hardly comment but this post has made me want to comment. Bia stella Oliver Twist or not she has a right to know who she's married too what kind of secretiveness is that. There is no joy in being an ignorant wife. Ignorance has stopped being bliss. Oh babe shine ur eyes o before another woman carry pikin come your house say na ur husband son. If u think he's suspicious then by all means hire ur private investigator but if he comes out clean then slap Ursef for ever suspecting him in the first place. Like stella this is my own 2 cents. Shikena!
ReplyDeleteSigned: Wide nose!!!
Dear poster, its really bad of ur husband to hide thns frm u cos lik u rightly said, u re his wife, not a girlfriend. But frm all indications, dts his character. Men re nt easily susceptible to change, dts why if u re dating a guy wt som flaws nd u kno u can't live wt thos flaws, kindly quit d rship cos he is most likely not gonna change in marriage. My advice is this: indifference atimes is a solution to many problms. Try nd stop tryin to find out cos u wl continue meetin a brick wall. Relax and tak thns easy wt him. I kno its painful bt its for ur own happiness. Leave him nd his privacy. Maybe wt time, he wil realize he's wrong but for now, silence is d best u can do. Just ask for d thns u think he should provide. Be d sweetest wife ever. Dnt b harsh. You can sweetly talk to him abt it once in a while. Tell him d demerits of secrecy in marriage lik u ve stated. But I dnt think ur nagging or snoopin can change anyth. He'll change by himself. Just become truly indifferent
ReplyDeleteDear Poster,I'll advise that you sit your husband down and tell him how you feel because assumptions kill!You might think he's cheating and he might not be.And then,you need to let him understand that you've become one and things should be done in unity,things should be shared...I believe dialogue is the first step you need to take on this issue...(I'm not married so I don't have much to contribute to this,manage my 2cents.)
ReplyDeleteWhy does he need to be so secretive, this guy is most def hiding something.
ReplyDeleteWhy does it take you long to release comments
ReplyDeleteMy dear blog visitor, I feel your pain, the truth is that you are on your own in that marriage. Please dear, leave him & his secrets, stop been too open 2 him 2, try 2 find something doing that pays well, & begin 2 save 4 u & ur kids cos 4rm d look of things, he trusts his family more than you, & if he dies 2moro they will throw you out like a piece of shit. My dear, pls start planning 4 urself & ur kids. Be strong my dear, be secretive 2 him 2, open a new bank details that he will nt knw, inveest year money in things he will nt knw. & finally, prepare your mimd to receive a shocker soon cos he is up 2 something, so start growing a thick skin 2wards his secrecy & the impendind shocker. Plesae, think abt this
ReplyDeleteU refused to do ur homework before marriage,trying to do it now is simply campaign after election. To me ur husband definitely has smn to hide,the signs are almost always there before marriage,but ladies get carried away by irrelevancies like sex,kissing,gifts,and outings.then u get married and u start seeing strange things.if throughout ur courtship(note I said courtship not dating o), he never gave u access to these things and u still went ahead and got married to him,why are u complaining now?u don't change the rules of a game mid-way,I wish u all the best,but ure ur own issue.cus u know the kind of person u are and u married a man wey no done for belle.all the best.cus ure sitting on a really long thing.
ReplyDelete.....like my husband, simple solution, start keeping things to yourself too, let him wonder. Be happy, let him wonder whats going on with you, maybe he would understand.
ReplyDeleteI think you should let it rest. Stop telling him everything about you too. I know it will be hard but try to hide something that is very important to him and see his reaction.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you should start to hide how much you have in your bank account from him too.
Dear poster, what exactly do u hope to find?
ReplyDeleteWen hear or read dis kinda qist I wonder y ppl dated in d 1st place. I tot rship,courtship is a platform 4 u 2study n kn urselves? If u iqnored dem b4 y worry naw? U didnt snoop den don't naw. U shud hv addressed dat wen u were still datinq. My dear life's too short, so choose btw iqnorinq it n b happy or kip snoopinq n remain sad till u die.
ReplyDeleteStella I don't think she's snooping,she has a right to know cos she's his wife!haba!
ReplyDelete@ poster ur husband does not see u as part of his life,he sees u as an entity' brought to share his space and produce kids for him...if u have kids,i bet he doesn't treat them as such?
With such a man what u need to do is to also mind ur bizness and stop being an opened book,be as secretive as possible then he will feel how painful it is!most of all get a job or bizness if u don't have one and be serious with it,cos with him,u can't be sure of anything incase something happens.hide ur own money very well and let him take care of d family cos it's his responsibility,also say u don't have money always etc in short play his game',he will wake up.such pple actually feel they are wise by knowing all abt u and u nothing abt them.
Lastly it's clear his family members also have a hand in dis and are controlling him,just be careful and watch ur back!
Stella, I beg to differ. She's married for goodness sake, why hide everything? Madam, is he an only child? I hate unnecessary secretive gestures...annoying to the bone abeg.
ReplyDeleteIt's jus a no no situation, all the highlights here are too extreme to be ignored.there should be openness and communication skills in marriage
ReplyDeleteMadam I don't think u 're snooping or asking for too much, but I will advise u to stop the approach u use.STOP NAGGING about it any time u want to address d issue, pls jus pray for wisdom to know how to handle d issue and relax.
Openness makes one feel loved and it feels good to know someone can trust u on any tiny bit.also we have different backgrounds and he might not act in such a way to hurt u intentionally, it's just his make and will snap out over time once he is comfortable about it.
About the monthly upkeep its a must to address it ,don't keep quite coz when kids starts coming it will be difficult to address and never give him an impression you can do it alone coz it won't stop.let him know it makes u feel as a part of him to share with him and makes marriage more meaningful, also get more interested in his work ask questions if he is having issuses about a particular thing so that u both can pray about things and he will soon relax and start saying stuffs trust me.
Truth be told there is particular thing hubbies find difficult to be 100 per cent open about in marriages for some it might be about in-laws, money, gfriends etc but relax we eventually know the truth.
Remeber the bible says be wise as a serpent and harmless as doves.
Marriage should make a couple closer and more intimate.If your spouse doesnt know virtually all about you,what makes you feel that u are spendin d rest of ur life with him/her?.Am not suggesting snooping but i am encouraging intimacy.Poster,have a talk wit ur hubby and tell him hw you feel,dnt make it sound accusing but bare your mind that you want a littl more than just d ceremonial title of a ''wife''.
ReplyDeleteMadam pls as you were from the begining pls continue. You didn't bother then, so pls don't bother now @sparkle
ReplyDeleteStella u can like to yarn okpata sumtyms. What he is doing is unfair treating her like an outsider nd u r telling her no to look into the matter or better still put an end to his nonsense attitude.
ReplyDeleteMMMMMM
ReplyDeleteTHIS ONE SURE PASS ME.
Am with stella on this.
ReplyDeleteNonsense!
DeleteAmaka Hundeyin,if you are married, then you cheat on your husband too. You probably live like a stranger with your husband and have bfs scatterd all over the social network, have secret erotic chats and therefore will support secrets and passwords in your marriage.
DeleteDo you know what marriage means?
Exactly wht I'm goin true in my marriage,untill 6dys ago I bumped into his text message and low and behold,a lady was asking him if hiss wife and new born baby doesn't feed? I almost lost it! And he feels no remorse for that,he only asked me if I v gotten wht I wanted!! And wht did I do finally,told him my mind,start minding my biz, to me,i live alone with my 8 months baby,if he exists,i don't care anymore,my husband is d worst! Worst! Even mtn messages he reads and delete!
ReplyDeleteNtoyi!
Delete@Me....stop refering tour hubby as worst...that shows u are already giving up on him....men sef...he was still proving right even after u caught him.....it is well.....
DeleteChai!
DeleteUr comment wz d most touching.
I can almost see ur xpression.
Kpele ooo 'ME' (even doe u can be silly atimes)
Truth is u ppl are nt mking tins easier for we single gals.
My man keeps throwing the Q 'Babe are u going to marry me' everyday.
I seem nt to be able to mk a decision.
MARRIAGE SCARES THE HELL OUTTA ME!
Stop breathing down his neck. He might not be cheating. HBP is real.
ReplyDeleteAnd curiousity kill....you know how the adage goes.
Let him have his privacy... what u don't know won't hurt u so even if he's cheating n keeps it from u, if u don't know, u won't hurt... as for d sharing, some pple don't like sharing so b content wiv urs
ReplyDeleteI wonder the kind of marriages some people are in. Chai!
DeleteI don't understand d way sm people comment, including u stella...a woman knows noting abt her husband's finance, wat his up 2 etc and ur advice 2 her is 2 chill, leave it alone. So what is marriage all about now, ur married but its ok 2 act single.......as a married woman, u hv every right 2 no everything abt ur husband, as a married man, u also hv dat right. When did marriage becum abt just one individual and d other shld be ignored or dere tots shldnt count......ur husband's fone shldnt for any reason hv a code, same with a wife. I don't understand how people see marriage any more. Its a pity.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 4:43, help me ask o.
DeleteI used to respect married people a lot but not anymore.if the kind of marriages some people are advocating is the kind they are actually involved in, i would rather remain single. How can a married person be supporting the poster's husband? #smh# speaks volumes
Na wa o person don refresh tire for here.bday no gree u post comments.regards to d big man o.hugs
ReplyDeleteAny man who allowed a woman to
ReplyDeleteknow all about him is in big danger,,,madam u are hurting urself,,,or do u want a divorce?why u want to know all he has?
Anon 4:54pm....am sure u are a man.....u'll be a bad influence onvother men ooo.......where did u get ur theory from that a man who allows a woman to know all about him is in danger?? maybe u should shed more light on the danger.......
DeleteAnon 4:54pm....am sure u are a man.....u'll be a bad influence onvother men ooo.......where did u get ur theory from that a man who allows a woman to know all about him is in danger?? maybe u should shed more light on the danger.......
DeleteOh pls come on. D lady in question asks 4 openess. I'm sure if oga were to open to her, there won't be any need to snoop. Stella d way u talk sometimes. U want to tell me u don't have access to ur hubby's car and other stuffs? U don't share thgs like normal couples do? Madam poster ur agitation is in order. If tmrw sth happens and questions are thrown to u, ppl like stella will call u a learner. As extravagant as my dad, my mum knows certain thgs about him, she drives his car. My parents aren't Romeo and Juliet oo just normal couple who do thgs normal couples do. *scratches head* I'm sorry I can't help u. Perhaps d married ones wIth experience can be of help. Cheers #Belle
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I don't even know where to start from but like Stella said, stop comparing notes. You don't know what your sister is going through in her own marriage.
ReplyDeleteSome things are best left unknown. I don't want heart and head ache so I don't even bother to know if he is hiding anything or not.
What if he is cheating on you and you find out, are you going to walk out of your marriage? A friend of mine snooped until she found out he was having an affair. She walked out and hasn't been herself. Do you want the same fate?
As for the planning, budgeting and account, I think you have a right to know. You can reconsider the monthly pocket money, your sister in law mentioned.
How long have you been married? Hope U know it will take time for him to come around since when you pple were dating, u accepted him so.
ReplyDeleteSwthrt, time will help him come around but you have to start now. Gradually, he will start involving you but you need time, patience n earn his trust.
Madam, google financial infidelity and financial abuse. Money is important in a marriage.Stella I can't believe you told her to enjoy her marriage. Enjoy a marriage without trust? If the man dies tomorrow(Godforbid), she will be thrown out on her arse with nothing. Imagine what will happen to their children.
ReplyDeleteWhat are you to do? Madam Poster, STOP accusing him of cheating, STOP snooping and most impotantly, START talking with God (if u haven't been doing so).
ReplyDeleteThere are so many angles to it from my experience and point of view. You're not wrong for wanting to know because even the bible says "can two work together except they agree"? Also, I would want to think you guyz didn't date for long I.e. You don't prolly know each other well enough, if not, all these or most of these kinda attitude would have been addressed during courtship.
Secondly, I don't think you also did counselling, because if you did, issues like this would have been addressed.
Further more and importantly, you need to sit him down and TALK for real, not fight, argue or accuse, TALK. I would suggest a change of environment to do that, not in the comfort of the home, but you guyz should go out somewhere and then, POUR OUT your mind, if u nid to cry, cry; if you need 2beg, BEG but please DO NOT FIGHT or ARGUE your opinion. It is a heart-wrenching issue, so treat it as such and if he really LOVES you, he'll tell you what is happening, cz you would have made him earn your trust in that emotional way.
Lastly, you should know that there are people like that "naturally". They just don't like people messing with their stuff, trust me, I have seen many like that. However, this should not apply in marriage. Yes! There should be a sense of individuality BUT most importantly, the reason 4 marriage "Two Becoming One" should surpass that former sense of individuality. You should LOVE 2 Share if there is TRUE LOVE between you two.
I wish you all the best dearie.
Cheers!
Whats the essence of being inquisitive, when at the end of the day it might cause u pain and regret, what is what to be want is not worth, why not find peace in urself, keep ur cool chill, dont pay attention on how, party b play their cards, man isn't a perfect being so dont compare, u may never know whats behind close door
ReplyDeleteMadam.....i think u are overworking urself here.....d only tin that could disturb me(am trying to put myself in ur shoes) in all these is d issue of finger prints on fone and u not driving his car when his brothers can drive it.....i think thats too extreme......but other issues are really not issues....if he is meeting ur needs...why worry urself dis much???if he is hiding something from u...its just a matter of time.....wateva he is hiding will eventually be exposed.....put ur mind at rest pls....u think he is secretive becos u are bent on "catching" him for something......take ur mind off it and wen he sees u're less concerned about some issues....he will forget himself one day and u will see watever u think he is hiding.....
ReplyDeleteHmmm am goin thru same but i.just ignore cos we ain't married yet...but I drive his car oh! ironically I told him yesterday that I searched his car trunk for a new picture frame I saw in his car 2 days ago and I couldn't find it anywhere in the haus so I assumed he gave it to a lady...accused him of cheating and he accused me of snooping...I just dropped d issue to be picked up anoda day when I wana make trouble...lol...well my own two cents like aunt stella will say is pray hard and God will make a way...it is well..
ReplyDeleteWhich dirty privacy. Please the man should go and learn the meaning of marriage. Most men think they can eat their cake and have it. He has brought his bachelor attitude into his marriage. Yes I believe in individual privacy but I see where she's coming from. Unless she's a reckless driver I see no reason why she can't use his car occasionally and it bothers me when a man codes his salary and assets from a wife who has not shown any signs of greed! God forbid something happens to him today she will be stranded and watch her in laws take over everything! As for the phone issue, she should let that one go. He should be allowed his own privacy in that regard.
ReplyDeleteWhy wont you snoop? Biko snoop..Pray to God to pour the annointing of openess upon him...You cannot continue like this na.
ReplyDeleteWhy wont you snoop? Biko snoop..Pray to God to pour the annointing of openess upon him...You cannot continue like this na.
ReplyDeleteStella of life where are abi you go owambe that you refuse to post comment.Woman please is good to know keep digging his own is too much and am sure he has a lot to hide.I pick my husband's phone at will.God will help very soon you will get to the root of all this don't touch,don't see and don't know attitude of his in Jesus name.Amen.
ReplyDeleteThank God for SDK oh. Can some women use their brain at all. Where do you live? You call yourself the spouse, the information you can get with the word spouse alone is endless. If you know where he banks, go there and use ur power as a woman. GPS his car, use the iPhone tracker. Go inspector gadget on his ass. You are here writing SDK, hiss.
ReplyDeleteIn as much as i don't want u to snoop,ur husband has cockroach in his cupboard from ur analysis.He is too secretive...too hidden.
ReplyDeleteMen like that could be cold-hearted.There should breathing space bt this is too much.
Ogini???May be he is James Bond"007"
OLUWÆßÖßßÝ
Well said!
DeleteHes a yahoo boy!! Snoop more my sister!! Like wtf? Why would ypur husband be sooo secretive like this?
ReplyDeleteWhat you don't know will never hurt you dear poster. Relax dear and get busy to less the ideal mind of always wanna snoop his privacy. Get praying also and learn to keep some issues to your self especially when it comes to your financial worth please... As much as L♥√ع entails trust which needs baring of all doesn't guarranty you into being an open book. You will soon start to make him loose respect for you, make him to crave for your privacy also and trust me when i say all is well
ReplyDelete@i_ChoPtas_Not
Can't you all read? What is your definition of snooping? You hide things from your wife others have access too? Is that the kind of marriages u all have? Nigerian women and their victim mentality, leave the man to do what he likes so you can answer mrs.....this is not ideal, go and ask people who have true Christian spirit filled marriages and you see marriages where couples are open with each other......sit your hubby down and tell him how is behaviors is making you feel and pray he improves....but take it from me the guy has girlfriends you don't know off.....you obviously don't know much about who you married....don't let anybody deceive you this is not an ideal situation with a couple who love each other.....
ReplyDeleteI no sure say na gf this baba dey hide oooo
DeleteWhat he is hiding is very serious
Exactly! Either he is gay, into occultism activities or even has another wife and kids somewhere...could be anything. Wo madam poster it's time to start some heavy investigation oh before one day you will wake up and see real wahala that you cannot get out of! God will help you.
DeleteI feel so sorry for you lady , my mum has been in this same situation for the past 23 years of marriage & let me just tell you now it never gets better , it only gets worse . You better sort it put now cause if you don't !! Oh well you just gonna end up as lost as my mother in her marriage
ReplyDeleteDis blog is filled wit unintelligent ppl and hypocrites. Nw hw can u live wit a man and he hides almost everytin? Hw can a wife nt even play wit her husbands fone?. She can't even drive his car. As far as am concerned dis woman is alone. Even sidechick play wit deir guys fone talkless of wife. U see I don't blame u all, dats wat uve grown up to learn. She is his wife for christ sake. And she doesn't know nada about his dealings. Dats really bad. Nobody shud blame dis woman. she only started snooping cos her husby has bin hiding tins. Stella even u wud do worse if ur husby starts passwording everytin. Am a guy and ave realised so many ppl ar so clueless about marriage. And they will b commentin like them sabi anytin. My advice to dis woman is to pick out one day, pretend to b sad nd cry like crazy. Explainin hw bad u feel cos ur husband is shutting u out. Ave carried out my research and ave noticed dat its only cheating partners dat password. If u doubt me den tell me y partners hide deir passwords nd u win. Stella u don fall my hand today.
ReplyDelete~JOHN OTEKE~
Well said!¡
DeleteVery good write up! You are one of the few sensible people who has commented today! A whole wafi babe like Stella writing such, to allow your spouse this much privacy in a marriage means you are both joking! Please investigate, you have every right to know who you are really married to especially in this day and age of people killing their spouses for all sorts of reasons!
Deleteanyone that is looking for individual privacy should not get married
ReplyDeletethe\ bible says two become one.
do you hold secrets from your own self
this is shady abeg!
Gbam, Gbamer, Gbamest.
DeleteHire a private investigator oh. Me I must snoop. Will snoop. Must snoop. Warisit? Why the secrecy if he has nothing to hide?
ReplyDeleteLeave him be but be more demanding.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the same when we first got married, and I quickly learned to start hiding stuff. I used to discuss my finances, but he never did so I stopped.
I don't care what he does with who, because I'd just drive myself mad, and the world we live in will blame you for what you do even if you find something. I have kids, and whatever happens, I need to make sure they're taken care of, so I make sure he pays for EVERYTHING we use, and I invest my own money. And when he "doesn't have money" (yeah right), I don't have too.
It can be hard sometimes, you may end up looking wretched, and a lot of things may suffer, but in the long run, you'd be glad you did that. Better put your foot down, and get that monthly allowance no matter how little. Report him to his family if you have to, but spend his money. If you don't another woman will do it for you.
When I was considerate, I spent a huge chunk of my savings, and I kept waiting for things to get better. Then I found out runz girls were collecting their 10k, 20k regularly.
I tried discussing, flattery, hinting in the middle of prayers but what eventually worked for me was telling his mum. Told her I don't have anything again to put down again cos I spent it all, and whats left is for me to go beg my parents, or find a boyfriend that'd pay my bills so that we can eat and my kids wont go hungry.
Don't stress him about his secrecy. Just know your rights, and use wisdom to get it, then leave the rest to God.
Leave him be but be more demanding.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the same when we first got married, and I quickly learned to start hiding stuff. I used to discuss my finances, but he never did so I stopped.
I don't care what he does with who, because I'd just drive myself mad, and the world we live in will blame you for what you do even if you find something. I have kids, and whatever happens, I need to make sure they're taken care of, so I make sure he pays for EVERYTHING we use, and I invest my own money. And when he "doesn't have money" (yeah right), I don't have too.
It can be hard sometimes, you may end up looking wretched, and a lot of things may suffer, but in the long run, you'd be glad you did that. Better put your foot down, and get that monthly allowance no matter how little. Report him to his family if you have to, but spend his money. If you don't another woman will do it for you.
When I was considerate, I spent a huge chunk of my savings, and I kept waiting for things to get better. Then I found out runz girls were collecting their 10k, 20k regularly.
I tried discussing, flattery, hinting in the middle of prayers but what eventually worked for me was telling his mum. Told her I don't have anything again to put down again cos I spent it all, and whats left is for me to go beg my parents, or find a boyfriend that'd pay my bills so that we can eat and my kids wont go hungry.
Don't stress him about his secrecy. Just know your rights, and use wisdom to get it, then leave the rest to God.
Leave him be but be more demanding.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the same when we first got married, and I quickly learned to start hiding stuff. I used to discuss my finances, but he never did so I stopped.
I don't care what he does with who, because I'd just drive myself mad, and the world we live in will blame you for what you do even if you find something. I have kids, and whatever happens, I need to make sure they're taken care of, so I make sure he pays for EVERYTHING we use, and I invest my own money. And when he "doesn't have money" (yeah right), I don't have too.
It can be hard sometimes, you may end up looking wretched, and a lot of things may suffer, but in the long run, you'd be glad you did that. Better put your foot down, and get that monthly allowance no matter how little. Report him to his family if you have to, but spend his money. If you don't another woman will do it for you.
When I was considerate, I spent a huge chunk of my savings, and I kept waiting for things to get better. Then I found out runz girls were collecting their 10k, 20k regularly.
I tried discussing, flattery, hinting in the middle of prayers but what eventually worked for me was telling his mum. Told her I don't have anything again to put down again cos I spent it all, and whats left is for me to go beg my parents, or find a boyfriend that'd pay my bills so that we can eat and my kids wont go hungry.
Don't stress him about his secrecy. Just know your rights, and use wisdom to get it, then leave the rest to God.
Leave him be but be more demanding.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the same when we first got married, and I quickly learned to start hiding stuff. I used to discuss my finances, but he never did so I stopped.
I don't care what he does with who, because I'd just drive myself mad, and the world we live in will blame you for what you do even if you find something. I have kids, and whatever happens, I need to make sure they're taken care of, so I make sure he pays for EVERYTHING we use, and I invest my own money. And when he "doesn't have money" (yeah right), I don't have too.
It can be hard sometimes, you may end up looking wretched, and a lot of things may suffer, but in the long run, you'd be glad you did that. Better put your foot down, and get that monthly allowance no matter how little. Report him to his family if you have to, but spend his money. If you don't another woman will do it for you.
When I was considerate, I spent a huge chunk of my savings, and I kept waiting for things to get better. Then I found out runz girls were collecting their 10k, 20k regularly.
I tried discussing, flattery, hinting in the middle of prayers but what eventually worked for me was telling his mum. Told her I don't have anything again to put down again cos I spent it all, and whats left is for me to go beg my parents, or find a boyfriend that'd pay my bills so that we can eat and my kids wont go hungry.
Don't stress him about his secrecy. Just know your rights, and use wisdom to get it, then leave the rest to God.
You can't ur husband's car? Hmmmm! Some ppl marry o , Lord have mercy. Lol. My dear just keep praying.
ReplyDeleteI hate secretive men! Gosh!!! Can't stand them. My ex boyfriend was sooo damn secretive, cldnt stand it & broke d hell up with him. A lesson for unmarried women, look beyond love & study ur mans character before U̶̲̥̅̊ say I do. Its a pity madam bt I pray God give U̶̲̥̅̊ d wisdom to scale thru & touch his heart to open up. It is welll
ReplyDeleteI can understand your concern about the locking of phone and social media apps with passwords. My husband and I know each other's passwords to our phones and social media accounts. It's all about trust and being comfortable enough to allow the other person into your world or space. U guys r supposed to be real tight as husband and wife, if he has nothing to hide, why the secrecy? But then again maybe that's just who he is. Him not letting you drive his car is not much of a big deal though, r u a bad driver? Or maybe he just doesn't trust ur driving. Some men r quite fussy with their car. I blame you for overlooking these flaws when you guys were dating though You should have taken time to consider if you could live with them for the rest of your life cos that's what marriage is about. Once u are in, u get to deal with the whole package like you've neva done before. I suggest you start to condition your mind to accept his secretive nature until you have earned his trust that's if fingers crossed he's not hiding anything scandalous. But if it becomes too much for u, put ur foot down and bully him into opening the phone for you to snoop.....lol. For those of you that are still single, click on my name for a checklist before you say 'I do'
ReplyDeleteHe's doing something shady!
ReplyDeleteAbeg make iuna no dey giv yeye advice,,,,hw can a woman not knw her husband's acc details....we ar blacks n not wyts...it's not even abt the fone now...it's abt the car and everything he tags "mine" and not ours....even una wey dey talk nor fit take am....so it's not abt snooping is abt being free with your beter half....he is not just free...God forbid wat if he dies? hw will she knw where and where dis man get money and propertyz...HaBa let's be rational....
ReplyDeleteAchimugujoyce
Beautiful9jadeltababe... Babe I will advise u put evrytnhng in God hands and ask him to open is secret wey him dey hide from u..
ReplyDeleteI had a neighbour who lost her husband and she became totally lost with 2 kids. Practically lost,she didn't know a thing about her husband,bank details,properties,house deeds-nothing..Even my dad could not help her when her in-laws started dealing with her cos she had no male child....Dear poster,sit your husband down and tell him how you feel,let that invisible baricade be broken. When he let's his brother drive his car but not his wife,there is a problem stella,its not about snooping...i believe I married my friend not a stranger,any form of secrecy especially concerning finances willl not be condoned
ReplyDeletethis is the type that leave trouble for u...(God forbid something happens, the wife is left clueless and struggling, no idea what the man the man left behind that could help in raising the kids...
ReplyDeletehe is the one with trust issues...he doesnt trust you, the type that uses the brother as next-of-kin! it's really sad.
this is the kind of problem that needs patience and prayers...mors patience and prayers ....and then some more.leave him be and keep being your open self, over time, with prayers, he will begin to respond in kind...DO NOT NAG ABOUT IT!! (can't repeat that enough)
it's a serious matter cos it means there's no oneness in ur relationship!
Its very sad that even stella does not understand some principles in marriage.poster pls listen to me.the bible says a man shall leave parents and cleave to his wife and Two shall BECOME ONE.ONENESS is what marriage is about.once u start sleeping together,u are one hence if he hides his phones account details and all that.ATM password,Wats that.then he doesn't understand marriage yet.who is talking about privacy in marriage.pple pls be real.finance is a sentitive matter and so your hubby should be open.Pls sit him down nd tell him.IT IS COMPULSORY.DONT FORCE HIM.TALK TO HIM,IT SHOWS HOW MUCH HE IS READY TO SHARE ALL WITH YOU.EVEN IF HE LOCKS HIS PHONE,I MUST HAVE ACCES TO IT.THIS IS A WIFE O.BIKO POSTER,U AVNT DONE ANYTIN WRONG.TALK TO HIM.I CANT STICK THAT
ReplyDeleteI lov my ibo gurl.She is wonderful and beatiful.
ReplyDeleteShe has access to my phone,know my phone & fb password,check my emails and mesgs without restriction,knows my ATM card password and do transactions;I know hers also;withdraw,transfer and recharge via quickteller very.€Nw why do all these?bcos nothn is hidden and nothn shd be hidden bt she snoop wid caution bcos i want sm space atimes and @ d end;i stl tell her or involve her.
.....Pls nobody should tell me rubbish like 'difrent strokes 4 difrent folks or Wolves.I lov it that she does all that.That creates Checks and balances btwn us which is lacking in our society today.
OLUWÆßÖßßÝ
He is gay
ReplyDeleteYea I think so. I seen a movie like that. Poster pls snoop ooo. Make haye when d sun shines.
DeleteShady BIZ ni
ReplyDeleteSome comments sound so unfair,pls some times b4 you comment try putting urself in d persons shoes. Would u give ur child or sibling same advice? Imagine d hurt this lady is feeling rite nw(yes she saw d signs but still went ahead but we all make mistakes too). Lady I would advice u to become secretive too like some peeps already advised & yes snoop till you find out what he's hiding so that you will know hw to plan better. Maybe if my mum had snooped she wouldn't be living with the virus now. Stella pls post my comment.
ReplyDeleteHonestly it seems a lot of people don't even knw what marriage is all about.no wonder my Bishop Oyedepo said read @least 15 books on marriage before getting married.being secretive is not God's will for marriage."And two shall come together and become one"wathever hppnd to that phrase.Am not married yet but my fiance gives me his atms all the time to use.I know everything about him already.well,I think you and your hubby should see a church counsellor...
ReplyDeleteBefore you comment on issues like this, especially fellow married women,put yourself in the poster's shoes. Personally, i feel this lady doesnt deserve some close to harsh comments on here especially from married women. No woman ever prays to be a stranger to her man! Snooping or no snooping!! What is marriage all about then? Sharing yeah! We shouldn't pass comments that undermine the marriage institution,even if that's what's in vogue. Making a difference starts from an individual,charity begins at home. What is not right is wrong. If anything happens to him, his family will turn to his wife first. I don't know won't be an acceptable answer! Even when they know fully well she never knew. Madam, communication is very essential in any marriage, lay your case affectionately and respectfully before your husband. Don't die in silence, don't assume, don't Live in denial. God help us all.
ReplyDeleteStella and her fellowers commenting rubbish.
ReplyDeleteAturu ana esoghari ebuli na ike na ike na ekwe na isi
Its a pity marriage hs lost its essence.
Imagine telling ds bitter woman not t snoop.nobody is even talking of d fact dt d hubbys friend gv her a slap cos she refused t wash his cloth.
Madam u r on ur own ooo.fr ur hub s friend t v d gut t slap u tells a lot.pls hire a private detective and u wl b shocked at his findings
I don't even know how some of you reason. So annoying! Stella you too, fall my hand.
ReplyDeleteA woman has a stranger for a husband and you tell her to go to bed with her eyes closed?
Una wicked!
Madam you have every reason to be worried. Your husband has skeletons hidden.
What's all the lock lock, password password? You can't even drive his car? Ahhhhhh! Ko da!
He has something up his sleeves. This privacy is risky. Veryyyyy risky!
I think u shld just be urself.I dont advise you become secretive like ur hubby.Leave him ,he'll change one day.Some men are like that,infact my hubby is secretive too.I have stopped snooping,i have my peace ,no worries.I don't even pick his calls when his phone rings and he's not there to pick it.I have better things to think of.I'm busy with my kids and career abeg.
ReplyDeleteThe way some married women give advice, thank God most is done under anonymous otherwise people would just see your husband's and spit cus from the kind of advice given, one wonders the kind of husbands you married
ReplyDeleteI would advise every woman to snoop.
ReplyDeleteOh yes!
Its very important to snoop but snoop with caution nd make sure u dnt act when u are angry, its best to b calm when tackling issues.
If I didnt snoop wld I have known my Doctor husband and he's nurse where having an affair and she has had abortions for him?
I would have continued welcoming her to my home, while they both laughed at me.
The story too long, I was and still am more than hurt. Till date he still begs cos he knows he killed d love I had for him.
Before then I thought my husband was the best thing ever.
I even used to use all my money in the house but when I found out my so called husband was busy paying for hotel rms etc i was crushed.
I wld still be living in fools paradise if i did not snoop nd i wld advise women to snoop with caution.
If a man has nothing to hide then u won't find anything.
D husband is gay
ReplyDeleteSome of u talkin down on this woman,its not fair o. Do u know how it feels to be with the man u love and he keeps hiding stuffs from u??? Do u know. How depressin it is.@poster if snooping favour u pleas do,so dat u no go dey water soap go enter ur eye,try to put him in prayer always. My husband is as open as a book to me,although before now wen we were still single doing our love wantintin,he doesn't talkmuchh(quiet type),secretive to d core,likes to stay on his own cos he no get power to talk sef, he isn't stingy, and straight forward(which I like). I knelt down for wisdom,den I told him I dislike secretive men cos u don't no wen dy ar happya and sad sometimes,am a cheerful lady and I want him to shake of that secretive attitude out of him,made him see reasons and fortunately he took it in good faith(miracle working God),since den he changed and became very open to me,inshut before he gets home,if there is anytin I need to know,he calls me to give me a clue. I have acess to his bank accounts,fones o,documents o,everytin o. If there is a lil change,he will tell me and ask for suggestions.God used me to change him o and I appreciate God all d time cos he softened his heart too. What he doesn't do is tell me abt pples discussions wit him(chai e dy pain me cos I like jist o),even pples isues sef,he doesn't say cos he will say its gossip(abi no b husband and wife talk again,na wa),he makes sure his family don't bother me,every body dey dia lane dy face dia work like UCHE ONISE. If snooping will help u beta snoop o,so dat u don't wake up one day wit surprise for face
ReplyDeletehello Madam, your story is very interesting to read, but one caveat is that of it one sided nature. i wish to inform you that when you have developed yourself to a very matured stage your husband will open the door of his online life to you You will have to more understanding of his situations and help him with decision as he wants to (not as you feel it should be done) . About he issue of his cars, i wish to know if you have demonstrate a good driving habit and skill. That could be why he is not comfortable with you driving his cars.
ReplyDeleteOne important note i wish to end this with is that try to fix the problem as lots of Ladies are waiting out their to take advantage of your Husband.
Abiola
hello Madam, your story is very interesting to read, but one caveat is that of it one sided nature. i wish to inform you that when you have developed yourself to a very matured stage your husband will open the door of his online life to you You will have to more understanding of his situations and help him with decision as he wants to (not as you feel it should be done) . About he issue of his cars, i wish to know if you have demonstrate a good driving habit and skill. That could be why he is not comfortable with you driving his cars.
ReplyDeleteOne important note i wish to end this with is that try to fix the problem as lots of Ladies are waiting out their to take advantage of your Husband.
Abiola
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ReplyDelete