I was raped at 14 years and since then my self esteem has been near zero. I never spoke to anybody about the incidence cos i was scared they will all blame me. So i tried to deal with all that pain by myself. It was really hard and most night all i did was cry till i fell asleep. While growing up i learnt to hide my pain behind deep layers of make up and a broad smile that everybody loved, so nobody really knew how much i hurt on the inside.
Growing up was really hard for me, because i kept looking for love in all the wrong places. Most times i ended up with guys who jus slept with me n dumped me or said they loved me but cheated on my sorry ass one too many times. I got fed up and decided the whole love thing was jus a fluke. So i figured out a way to keep body n soul together without getting emotionally involved jus so that i can save myself the hurts and torture of a heart break. I have been with a handful of guy cos most guys ended up complaining about how emotionally distant i was despite being in a r/s with them so i had to let go over n over again. Anyway, when i finished from uni, i decided it was about time to get my act together. All my friends started getting married and my folks started having the marriage talk with me so i decided i might as well try to get myself into a serious r/s. I had a couple of r/s that didnt work, then finally i met this guy.
Really great guy, amazing character. Said he loved me like crazee and being with him was so easy. He made me feel safe enough to love him. I told him basically everything about me but i didnt tell him i had slept with his friend before cos in my opinion he isnt so close to the said friend and secondly this happened long before i knew him(i.e my bf) and thirdly it was jus a fling, something that happened just once. Anyway, 4months into our r/s he started hearing a lot of stuff about me and the fact that i had been with his friend. He confronted me and at that point i knew it was useless to lie so i admitted.
To cut the long story short, after much arguing and drama, he said this is friend is someone that will probably be a part of his life for a very long time and he just doesnt know how be is going to deal with the thought that his friend has slept with his wife before i.e if he ends up marrying me. So he told that he needed space to clear his head.
I have been miserable cos i dont know what to do. I dont know if he means we have broken up or not. Just when i got the courage to love again and plan a future with someone, this comes up to try and ruin it!
I thought love covers all things, it beareth all, endureth all and never fails. Isnt he just suppose to forgive me and love me despite my past,frailties and mistakes?
I need advice cos right now i dont know whether to hold on and hope he will forgive me or just try and move on with my life cos i am totally confused right now.
Thank you.
*His friend will always be around and your boo will never forget...Do you want this kind of arrangmement?....that friend is such a loud mouth and your boo probably is as well.what man will sit down and listen to his friend telling him about having slept with his future wife?hisss!
I don't like it when people try to place blames on things unconnected, though I cud be wrong, how does u being raped have to do with anything in dis story? If u said because u were raped u hate and don't have sex, I totally understand that or u being raped made u withdraw emotionally from ur r/ships but yet u had sex wif dem. My point is, u have been dating the wrong people and now u found the right one, its messed up because u slept around previously. Right now, the only thing u can do is wait and hope he can handle it, if not since u found him, I can find someone else that wud love u still.
ReplyDelete*U
DeleteMy thought exactly. Ur past caught up wit u. Move on hopefully ur nx guy, will not know anybody from ur past rtnship or just don't care.
DeleteAge doesn't necessary come wt maturity ok!
DeleteI doubt u know much about the consequences of Rape, especially when the Victim was still tender. Its cld make u addicted/obsessive to sex too as an escape route for ur trauma. Pls have thoroughly before u speak esp in a sensitive issue like this
U r not getting the point, Rape is very bad I completely agree but that does not mean the event should define who we are. From ur analogy, we can say God caused all these because he allowed the rape happen. Oprah has been in a r/ship with a man for many years (though she refused to marry), many people come out of rapes and are married and doing very well. All am saying is rape is not a reason for promiscuity.
DeleteMadam McQ, pls go and read abt Oprah. She became rebellious afterwards. Pls be sensitive to people's plight. Have a little compassion for people's life experiences. U have never been raped so u can claim u know how she should behave. Encourage her but don't deflate her spirit pls. Happy sunday to u
DeleteMcQ this isnt a forum for ur ranting.we are all grown ups here. Those that were raped hv made mistakes already. They r looking for solutions on how to deal with their mess. Ur target populatn are the little girls who got raped yesterday. Tell them they shuldnt let the incident define their lives. Give them examples like oprah (of cos she has been with one man for as long as we know but do u hv any idea the mess she had been thro before meeting that man n do u knw y she decided not to marry. Rape affect all its victim in one way or the other), joyce meyer n all the women that got rape. Help them build their self -esteem. And then learn to shut up wen adults are interacting. Just sayn
DeleteTrue...I totally agree with you,its so unfortunate she found her self trapped in her past,the rape occurred a very long time ago but putting your present troubles on it only shows how eager you are to justify your being caught in the web... Just hope to find a better man who'd love you because in the real world,I don't see your boyfriend understanding your sleeping with his friend. Try regaining your confidence and never give your self away to make them stay cos at the end they all leave again. Tnx and pray.
DeleteI know u. My people! I miss u Maumau!!
DeleteShe was raped@ age 14 guys. She was just a child she could not tell anyone about it cos she was afraid. So therefore could not get proper counselling to help her. Its difficult when a child is moslested @ that age,that child if not helped will find it difficult in any relationship. I no what am talking about cos I was equally sexually molested as a child and its only taking me now as an adult and a mother to get over it. So der poster I will advice you go for counselling 1st and foremost before you can trully find that love and happiness u so seek. Pls seek help fast it might be proffesional or a pastor but u need to pour it all out and fast. Remain strong and all the best
DeleteIf he lives you, then my dear forget his sorry ass, ask yourself what if it was the other way round,is it not these same nigerian men we have that can sleep with you, sleep with all your friends and even your sister. Pls dear just apologies, if his not cool with that, move on, at least you fell remorseful men don't.
DeleteMcQ it's easy to sit on your high horse n mete out judgment isn't it? Come back when you've been through something similar, then I'll listen to your babbling.
DeleteNot everyone can deal properly with a rape incident, not all are lucky. Especially when your innocence was stolen from you.
People react differently to traumatic experiences, i should know.
Therapy y'all say? How n where from? Ona think say we de foreign novel. What will the therapists tell u that hasn't been heard before? And d foolish men don't even make it easier.
Having been through that from a man, other men go on to prove themselves as same or even worse than the one who began it all. Just a handful of d good ones.
Crazy shit.
My advice, give a heartfelt apology and give him d space he asked for. If he isn't man enough to look past your mistakes, then please WALK.
DO NOT be at his mercy cos you feel pressure from peeps to be married n all that bullcrap. A lot of marriages you see these days are a sham. A facade to cover so much pain n humiliation. Never settle so when d trials of your marriage come, you know you picked a man who deserves all d shit you'll take in d name of love.
If he genuinely forgives u, fine. He'll probably forget too with time so far as d leaky mouth stays away... *this one he's choosing him over you tho... "he said this is friend is someone that will probably be a part of his life for a very long time" ... hmn! .
If he doesn't get over it n rubs it in your face, then that's gonna be d beginning of a very turbulent road. WALK!
Never sell yourself short, keep your head high. Poco a poco it'll fall in place.
U r already on d right path, given that u av ergh erm... so just keep at it n brace yourself for the stormy days. there's always sunshine tho, live for those moments.
McQ it's easy to sit on your high horse n mete out judgment isn't it? Come back when you've been through something similar, then I'll listen to your babbling.
DeleteNot everyone can deal properly with a rape incident, not all are lucky. Especially when your innocence was taken from you.
People react differently to traumatic experiences, i should know.
Therapy y'all say? How n where from? Ona think say we de foreign novel. What will they say that hasn't been heard before? And d foolish men don't even make it easier.
Having been through that from a man, other men go on to prove themselves as same or even worse than the one who began it all. Just a handful of d good ones.
Crazy shit.
My advice, give a heartfelt apology and give him d space he asked for. If he isn't man enough to look past your mistakes, then please WALK.
DO NOT be at his mercy cos you feel pressure from peeps to be married n all that bullcrap. A lot of marriages you see these days are a sham. A facade to cover so much pain n humiliation. Never settle so when d trials of your marriage come, you know you picked a man who deserves all d shit you'll take in d name of love.
If he genuinely forgives u, fine. He'll probably forget too with time so far as d leaky mouth stays away... *this one he's choosing him over you tho... "he said this is friend is someone that will probably be a part of his life for a very long time" ... hmn! .
If he doesn't get over it n rubs it in your face, then that's gonna be d beginning of a very turbulent road. WALK!
Never sell yourself short, keep your head high. Poco a poco it'll fall in place.
U r already on d right path, given that u av ergh erm... so just keep at it n brace yourself for the stormy days. there's always sunshine tho, live for those moments.
Sterra! Honestly, this is one practical and mature 'agony aunt' story uve received in a long while. Not all those 'does he still love me'? 'I'm tired of him' bull crap!
ReplyDeleteDear poster, for some pple it isn't easy to deal wt knowing a close friend has been wt ur chic. That's the double standard life guys live cos they too can flex wt ur friends even while wt u. Give him sometime and then come out openly and ask him his stand, but gently, while convincing him that it was ur past.
If it does work. Pls let go. Love isn't forced!
I guess your BF is scared of the ONCE DÈBÉ factor. That factor bad sha.
Delete@don davido,it's called 'okafor's law'...once debe always debe...but in dis case it's 'once in mecca,always an alhaji'
DeleteWhat do you mean Stella? Should the BF have blocked his ears with cotton wool or did he foresee what the friend wanted to tell him? The friend thought he was doing the BF a favour by telling him. He probably thinks she's easy and has heard other uncomplimentary things about her. That's how guys roll. You can't know your friend is getting serious with the Neighbourhood pussy and keep quiet.
ReplyDeletePoster, you see how living a carefree life can come and haunt you. I don't blame your BF. Very few men can cope with the knowledge that their wives have been sampled by their friends. Their other friends probably know and your BF will be the butt of their jokes.
Ask him what he wants. If he wants out, respect his feelings and move on. Better luck next time.
Narrow-minded prick!
DeleteJudgemental cunt!
DeleteShallow minded boobs!
DeleteSorry dear bout what you have been through. Its such a bitter thing to remember your past that comes around to hurt you. So on your guy,in as much as we guys hate the fact that our friend has tested our most treasured spot,he was just a pussy nigga to be listening to side talks. What Ihave gotta tell u is to stay focused and let nature take its cause. If you guys were destined to come back,u guys ll surely come back,buh if he wasn't meant to be your hubby,d perfect man will just be in your face. Goodluck sweetheart
ReplyDeleteMadam Stella,easy with ΰя hiss mbok,her bf is HUMAN besides poster didn't say it was his friend who told him,he could have been hearing these stuffs from other quarters!Dear Poster,he is going through the 'if she could keep this from me,what else HASN'T she told me..phase which is pretty realistic,I must say,don't forget he didn't get †̥ hear it from Ʊ FIRST(hard as that would have been though).So,give him the space †̥ think things through,A̶̲̥̅♏ sure he knows by now,that happened in the PAST! Above all,PRAY about ΰя situation! Love forgives,looks beyond mistakes...yeah,true love is also NOT FORCED,u don't want him continuing with Ʊ just out of pity! Let him 'recover' from the info,if he is truly yours,everything would work out fine in the end.Shalom!
ReplyDeletePls marry someone who doesn't know about ur past. Who thinks u're the embodiment of perfection. I stupidly told my bf abt my past rltnships. We still got married tho, but it still haunts him after 7yrs of marriage. He thinks I shld count myself lucky he married me. And I regret it cos I know his love for me has faded. We're human, not saints. So pls take my advice. Marry someone who doesn't know or who doesn't want to know abt ur past love life.
DeleteForget that relationship pls. Move on. It may be difficult, but, you'll find out that moving on is the easiest way out. Then do me a favour; live successfully such that that guy will always regret letting you go, but pls, forget that relationship- it can only work out if that other guy fades off the surface of this earth. Sorry! You don't want a relationship or marriage where the past will be staring at you always.
ReplyDeleteYou and spicytee are geniuses.God bless you both.
DeleteForget that relationship pls. Move on. It may be difficult, but, you'll find out that moving on is the easiest way out. Then do me a favour; live successfully such that that guy will always regret letting you go, but pls, forget that relationship- it can only work out if that other guy fades off the surface of this earth. Sorry! You don't want a relationship or marriage where the past will be staring at you always.
ReplyDeleteIt just can't work...babe, Move on mehn! Simple as ABC.
ReplyDeleteThis story is sooo sad , I feel like giving the poster a hug.....don't worry dear, your life will work out.
ReplyDeleteBack to the matter.
I think you should talk to him...yes, u made a mistake but so does everyone. He should let you know where he stands. If he can't forgive you, kindly move on with your life. A better person will surely come for you. Your case will be my prayer point today. #hugs
That's not your man honey. Men talk.....too much for that matter. A man that will marry you will hear you've slept with the whole world and still stay. But real men wont sit down to listen to that shit.
ReplyDeleteLet this be a lesson to people dealing with painful stuff. Sex, drugs is never a way out. You'll hurt yourself eventually. Always drop your worries at HIS feet. It makes all the difference.
Yeah men stay if u sleep wit d whole world, as long as d whole world r not his family n most especially his friends.
DeleteSome men won't mind if they know about 'the whole world you've slept with', but if "the whole world" includes his friend's' or relation's', then, that story don woh-woh. Nobody should tell the lady involved to move on.
DeleteDon't be deceived!!! No man would take it when it involves his family and friends.
DeleteMove on boo. If he is urs he will come back. He has chosing his friend over u. A thing like this happened wen I was abt getting married. My hubby told the guy that since u ve slept with my wife to be that means we cannt be friends again he ended his relationship with his friend. His friend start ranting and callin names of other people I ve had affairs with but my hubby simply asked! And I quote! Did u marry ur wife as a virgin? And the guy didn't end there oh, he still went ahead tellin my hubby that I will nt been to ve kids but today I ve children. Two boys n two girls. Pls pardon my grammer na night school I go. Ok byeeeeeeee
ReplyDeleteOmg!! Gal, ur hubby is da man! U r very lucky. Big thumbs up to him
DeleteWow! You have a rare specie of husband. Good for you!... And I do respect him a lot.
DeleteSorry I didn't add that I was also rape but at the age of 8yrs old by my brothers friend up till date no one knows.
ReplyDeleteEnough of this rape blames.
DeleteMove on, shit happens .
For me, this story is about a guy who loved you but just found out u had slept with his friend. I feel the rape part is just your way of attracting sympathy. You weren't raped by the guy who did the kiss and tell. So take responsibilty for sleeping with whoever and move on.
DeleteRemind me what he's forgiving you for again, mtscheww rubbish. My dear girl, yoy didn't cheat on him, all that happened before you met him. If he can't stand please move on, another man will love you even more. Did you cliam to be a virgin the guy should take several seats jare
ReplyDeleteSDK no man will sit down and listen to that kind of crap. I'm thinking her boyfriend's friend just told him about the said fling and, since he obviously confides in him, there won't be much room for doubt.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult though, on the guy's part, because I would find it a herculean task marrying a woman who had a fling with my BFF. Love endures all things, ONLY IF THERE'S REAL PENITENCE on the part of the lady. Try as much as possible to reach out to him, but if you try hard enough and don't make any head way, move on. By the way, know that if you seek GOD's help on such an issue you MUST desist from those things that "pacify" your tumultuous emotions....sleeping with guys. GOD cannot help you when HE's frowning at such a practice at the same time. Be Blessed.
See gobe!!!!! Wat has ur been raped got to do with the fact that while growing up rather than use the incident to build character you decided to be sleeping around..u got raped @14, I @ 9 twice by a supposed relation!!!..and I didn't tell any1 till many many many years later..even at dat age i knew d incident shldn define me..so start ur story stating that you lacked self discipline growing up and not that you were raped!!!!
ReplyDeleteShut the fuck up u lil prick. U knew thenincidence didnt define u@ age 8? U've forgotten that ppl from diff backgrnd deal wkth stuff differently. Na u holy pass
DeleteR u sure u were really raped. Cos I don't tink u know d after effect
DeleteNigerians and their shallow mind. My dear a victim of rape can became promiscuous, or addicted to porno . Oprah Winfrey was sexually abuse by her family member and she was promiscuous for a while so don't say what you don't know .People handle things differently . U may be strong but some are not.Dear poster move on with your life,forget about the guy, its not all men that want to know who slept with their wife before them. Good luck.
DeleteIjenwa
I know this will be hard for you to do but I think you should call off the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Because your bobo will be haunted by visions of porn-like sex between you and his friend.
And you don't want that...trust me
I have no right to judge you on your sexual history because I'm not God.
So, dust yourself up and move on.
Take a course in makeup or tailoring or something. Just keep yourself busy.
You will love again...
#peledarling
Dear poster, move on! He should have cleared his head b4 telling u what he heard from the gossips. Let destiny take its course.
ReplyDeleteMy dear I'm facing almost the same thing, but in my case I didn't sleep with the guy and he is not my husband's friend. Someone claiming to have slept with me, while I was dating my husband (bf then), he is still finding it hard to deal with even though I have told him it's a lie. The guy is just trying to get to him. But as it is my hubby feels like killing him anytime he sees him.So don't blame your bf if he can't handle it move on. Trust me you don't need it hanging over your head everyday.
ReplyDeleteVisit koolblend.blogspot.com for true life stories you can't afford to miss.
Dear young women, if you feel like having a fling, pls do it with matured 'prefarably married men', or men who have reputation in the society- men who won't kiss and tell; not men like Femi Fani Kayode-o!. Don't go rumping all these small small boys because for them, sleeping with a woman is a very big achievement. Thay will broadcast it to the whole world if they can.
ReplyDeleteAbegeeeeee,,,,I slept wit 2 guys sum years bak,,,,so wen I was dating my now husband,,ppl even d guys told ma husband,,both of dem even till date na my hubby close friend,,,,ma hubby no mind,cos I denied!!!! we got married,,in fact,,4years now nd we are stil coutin...bt we jus move out 4rm dat area
ReplyDeleteMy dear pls move on, I had a similar problem with my bf and he never let me forget the fact that I had something with a guy he knows. It messed us up. My uncle is married to a town hoe, but when my dad and his brothers went to tell him about her, he told them to bring evidence, pictures included. So u see, it only takes a mature man to know what he wants regardless of the past. Goodluck
ReplyDeleteI have been an ardent follower of SDK for sometime now, albeit a silent one. But I am forced to comment on this topic because of the judgemental nature of some of the comments I ve read so far. I am sure a lot of the ones who holds such view are as guilty as the poster but they will come out in public and put up an innocent face.
ReplyDeleteBack to the matter, you see why rapists and paedophiles will continue to thrive in our society? Yes, because we, especially the women are our own worst enemies. I ve read some comments implying that rape isn't a big deal! Seriously? I am amazed, no, shocked is the word. If you ever been raped and you felt it wasn't a big deal, then it probably meant that you enjoyed it while it lasted. But if you didn't and you were able to get over it, then kudos! But some people are not just as strong, some just don't get over it. That singular incident defines their thoughts and actions for years to come. I hope the mothers on this blog especially those who have daughter will not just read but also learn to guard and protect their daughters and show them the neccessary love and attention.
She was raped at a very crucial point in her life. 14, the onset of puberty, going through a lot of changes and trying to understand her body. Just when she is yet to get a full grasp, someone comes and disorganises her self esteem. That incident contributes to her having a contorted biew of life. She feels she need to be slept with to feel loved. She feels she is less a human being just by that singular incident. It affect her relationships and everything else and her outlook towards life. Do you still maintain that RAPE isn't a big deal?
To the poster, I pray that you find healing, may the almighty God bring you comfort and connect you with the right man who would love you body and soul regardless of your past and flaws. We all desrve a second chance because we have a merciful God. I say all this because, though I wasn't raped, I suffered a lot of rejection as a child and I can very much relate to your story.
So, fellow SDKers, 'never judge a man unless you have walked a mile in his moccassins'.
Rape is a very bigg deal and do not consider it anything less...I'm out! Peace
#FADERERA#
U cn tell she is a wise woman from the wway she speaks. God bless u bbz.
DeleteEpistle of life..
DeleteMadam you have said it all.
DeleteSome of u dnt really know how to tell a story. U dnt jus hit it head on. U hv to build up a story. She prolly mentiond the rape incidence because she is tryn to explain the origin of her low self esteem and why she kept looking for love in all the wrong place forgetting that the love of God and self love was all she really needed to heal. But all u flks ghat think u hv it togeda jus kept sayn she is lookin for sympathy. Of what use is ur sympathyto her. Smh.
ReplyDeleteBack to the matter- i knw karma is a total bitch but how long do ppl have to pay for the mistakes of their past? If u have turned a new leave and u are striving to be a better person but your bf cannot see u in that light, do urself a huge favor n move on. I know the fear of lonliness and starting all over can be crippling but never stay where u r tolerated, only stay where u r celebrated. It never ends well when u stay where u r only tolerated. Pray about it and trust God to guide you in his truth. You hv been thro alot and it all passed, Trust me, this too shall pass. Jesus loves u irreslective of ur past and alll that mess u created!
Don't talk about what u don't knw anything about! Being rape can ruin someone's life, it start from having very low self esteem and then further down to a whole lot of issues. It's really sad how people think rape is Jst a small issue that one can easily get over! No it's not. Rape can destroy someone's life. I feel her pain and I understand where she is coming from., because have been there myself... She needs to get help before going into any form of serious relationship again.
ReplyDeleteDumb comment ! U think its that easy huh? Rape blame indeed. We are talking about the psychological effects of rape and how it can destroy one's adult life, especially the fact that she did not get any form of treatment or help.
ReplyDeleteBest comment so Farr ! Am still trying to deal with my own pains. By talking abt the problem with a therapist.
ReplyDeleteNa d boy disvirgin am?
ReplyDeleteDear poster, sometimes the past hunts (as in your case) but remember the future is greater than the past.
ReplyDeleteIf this guy is yours, he will come back to you. Give him time to punch the wall, scream what the hell? And "how much more is she still hiding from me?" when he's cooled off, and love still brews in his heart, he will definitely come back, have a heart to heart talk with you and start on a brand new slate all together.
If that doesn't happen, do not blame him, do not blame yourself, just trust in God, move on....for the best is yet to come.
#hugs hugs hugs
I hate women who sleep around, move on, if this man is my brother i will advice him not to marry you, why? because your type can still sleep with that friend when your husband travel's.
ReplyDeleteI know u sleep arnd too. I knw u dnt hv th discipline to stay calm wen ur boo travels.u r speaking from experience. I wont even advice my enemy to marry from ur lineage cos i am sure y'all r shallow minded and petty. Shikena.
Delete#Rough estimate# 60 percent of people had their virginity taken from them.Think to your very first time. You probably didn't plan it. He begged and eventually over powered you with his strength. No complaints cos he's your boyfriend. After all you ve been smooching since SS2. Look back with adult eyes. It may as well ve been rape.You said 10 "NOs" initially,until the kisses, touching and muscles shut you up to submission. Its ok too. Given your decent upbringing,you couldn't ve said "yes" naw. But unplanned it was still. Do we then categorise that experience as rape? No! We wouldn't dare! No one wants to be in that statistic. Only a few prepared for the first night like we see in hollywood prom movies. Dear poster, I don't know the circumstances of your incident at 14 ( I can imagine that it was a nightmare! Maybe it was a near stranger tearing your clothes off...or a male you trusted...or a boy you played with?) However,what I do understand is that the first time could determine your sexual orientation and future. Just ask some gay men how it all started! What to do now? Relax,you ll be fine. My background brief on this shows that your story may not be completely different from the average happy~ go~ lucky~ lady. Yours got messy cos the degrees of seperation among the parties involved were too close. Bury the past by getting proper counselling. Undertake a relationship fast.No men for a while. Heal your battered emotions before you get into the dating ring again. A lot of people have a crowded relationship cv cos they feel 'odd' being alone.You don't need a partner NOW! Love yourself for a change. You ll be ok.
ReplyDeleteI have dated someone before i met my husband and they somehow met and become friends, the guy even came to my house one day and I almost died of shame and wished the ground will open and swallow me.
ReplyDeleteSomeone, my husband found out about it and we had a big fight about it and because of the love he has for me, he simply stopped the relationship with the friend even he (my husband) was to get a very juicy contract that could have turned our lives for better.
No everybody can swallow this, , everyone has a past and it takes alot for a person to deal with issues as this, pray about it and if its God's will the guy will come back and probably put it behind him.
was a runs girl nd also had a baby during dis period::::....three yeaes ago;;;;i met mr m;;;nd we started dating;;;ppl cum go tell am abt me;,,dem go tell him family too::::::bt tank God today we are married
ReplyDeleteThank God well well . Hope say the runs don stop.
DeleteGirl, ppl hv been thro worse stuff and they have survived. Stay or leave it doesnt matter. What matters is u and the war in ur head. That u r blaming ur present situatn on the past means u havent totally healed. U need to heal. Ur bf is as confused as it cn get. Doesnt mean he cares abt u any less. He doesnt want okafor's law to catch up with y'all in future. And his concern is a genuine one. If eventually he decides its too much a risk to take, then let it go n move on. U need a man that can love u as christ loved the church. Read ur bible! Any man that cant love u as christ loved the church cnt be ur husband.shikena. ps; there is no hurt God cnt heal, no mess he cnt clean up. Jus pray n trust him.
ReplyDeleteBloglord I love your comment. Very matured. You said it all.
ReplyDeleteI consider this an impossible relationship. You slept with his friend and he just won't be comfortable making you his wife. Men don't like sharing...and even when they know you've been with other men, they don't want to know the men.
ReplyDeleteMy advice...let go of this relationship. Start anew.
Unresolved trauma always show up in patterns of behaviour.
ReplyDeleteEvery human have their limit and the vast majority of men cannot handle knowing their woman had slept with their friend in the past. No point crying over spilled milk, nobody knows why all of this transpired the way it has, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a good and wise purpose. As hard as it is, you will have to let him go. Go get your therapy and deal with your unresolved issues. Men are like buses, there is another one coming, keep you chin up.
I too was raped when I was 18, it wasn't anyone's fault but mine, I had to first forgive my self and d person dt raped me before healing came. I neva told any1.
ReplyDeleteif at the end he does not forgive u...forget it and move on, focus on your self esteem...if he's the one he'll come around.
ReplyDeleteMcQ it's easy to sit on your high horse n mete out judgment isn't it? Come back when you've been through something similar, then I'll listen to your babbling.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone can deal properly with a rape incident, not all are lucky. Especially when your innocence was taken from you.
People react differently to traumatic experiences, i should know.
Therapy y'all say? How n where from? Ona think say we de foreign novel. What will they say that hasn't been heard before? And d foolish men don't even make it easier.
Having been through that from a man, other men go on to prove themselves as same or even worse than the one who began it all. Just a handful of d good ones.
Crazy shit.
My advice, give a heartfelt apology and give him d space he asked for. If he isn't man enough to look past your mistakes, then please WALK.
DO NOT be at his mercy cos you feel pressure from peeps to be married n all that bullcrap. A lot of marriages you see these days are a sham. A facade to cover so much pain n humiliation. Never settle so when d trials of your marriage come, you know you picked a man who deserves all d shit you'll take in d name of love.
If he genuinely forgives u, fine. He'll probably forget too with time so far as d leaky mouth stays away... *this one he's choosing him over you tho... "he said this is friend is someone that will probably be a part of his life for a very long time" ... hmn! .
If he doesn't get over it n rubs it in your face, then that's gonna be d beginning of a very turbulent road. WALK!
Never sell yourself short, keep your head high. Poco a poco it'll fall in place.
U r already on d right path, given that u av ergh erm... so just keep at it n brace yourself for the stormy days. there's always sunshine tho, live for those moments.
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