The Domestic Violence Diaries part 1-2 are closed for comments but is open for reading,just click on the pictures on the top right hand of this blog to take you to the entries from victims who survived to tell their stories.
Part 3 continues with more shocking details.
Ms kay is waiting to open part three with a continuation of what transpired after she walked out of an abusive marriage....beatings that went on for 19yrs!
sit back ,read and ponder!
Domestic violence (also known as Intimate partner violence) should not happen to anybody. Ever.....But it does - and when it does, there is help. Maybe you have lived with abuse, maybe it happened just once; maybe you work or live next to someone who is being abused right now. Whoever you are read this post and know that you can speak up,get help and/or get out and save your life...
If you get killed no one will know your story!
SORRY FOR THE BREAK IN TELLING MY STORY.
ReplyDeleteLEAVING AND LIFE AFTER ..1
The day I switched my phone on......within minutes I had over 50 text messages from 'HIM". ALL OF THEM ....ALL OF THEM were threats.....( "'He was going to deal with me'.......'he hears I moved in with another man'...... "In any case he has used all my beauty"......'no man can ever desire me'......." He had me in my prime and has flushed me away"......" He has eyes every where" .... .....he has his informants and they are "watching" me......THAT I SHOULD WATCH MY BACK.... He is coming for me...... He is coming to close down my business..... And on and on and on the messages. At some point the messages became sinister......."watch your back"........ I have my men all over lagos and at the right time we will strike...... Very threatening ......... Very scary........ And I ignored them ..... A friend asked me to keep all the records as we may need them later.
Leaving at this time without the children was a 3 pronged fork.....in one arm....a blessing in disguise..... I had time to sort myself out emotionally, and more importantly I knew that by this time.....after 19 years my children could discern the good and the bad.... Plus all the time me and the children were alone in the house I had them well grounded emotionally, spiritually and we all knew by this time who the problem was.....so I knew that at some time or the other, me and the children will be united.....2ndly I missed them badly ....ESP my 7 yr old.....3rdly......I felt it was time they understood that I needed to take a stand btw a bad relationship and a good one..... I needed to differentiate and make them understand this .......bc of the future...... By the time I left anyway one of my children had, on one of our lonesome nights woken me up and said......(mummy if you ever decide to leave just know that I am coming with you.....) she was 14 at that time.... .but I left them with him.......IN THE INTERIM....
the text messages were accompanied by phone calls...... he started calling......AT ODD TIMES..... 2am, 12, 4am .....random scary hours.....of course I didn't pick the calls.....and when the phone stopped ringing, the text messages started coming......and he ensured all those SMS came in at those odd hours..... The pastor family started holding vigils for my sake......because I could no longer sleep. Sometimes I will just leave the phone in another room and just go and pray..
Leaving and life after ....2
ReplyDeleteI went back to work at the end of my solitude....and on my 2nd day a friend and neighbor at the office called me and warned me not to come to the office. He had gone there and threatened all the staff to produce me and told them he was there to take over...so my friend decided to give the staff the rest of the week off.... And she took a back door and locked the office......whilst he stood fuming at the gate with the security. On that note I decided to take my case to the Nigeria police.... Of course my darling friend came with me. She too was a lawyer..... Anyway you all know what happened at the police station.....and this was in spite of the fact that I took a printed copy of the text messages sent by him threatening my life... The DPO... With that tooth pick....gingerly picking the holes in his teeth....pocked holes in all we stood for as women..... When he looked at me with contempt And said...."you this woman go get wahala...that's why me I no fit marry lawyer lai lai.....see the 2 of them..... "......Then he turned to my friend ...."you get husband?.....why you no report am like this your friend..." And on and on he went ........ Of course I insisted that my life was at stake and the strong "ME" came out and I boldly insisted that this was a case of threat to life with documentary evidence And if he wasn't going to do the right thing, I would go upstairs to his superiors......at that point he minuted on the report....called an IPO and asked that HE should be arrested and brought to the station for questioning.....
Did it end there?...... No way.
Leaving and life after....part 3
ReplyDeleteOn the day Mr Kay came to the station.....the police....Haba....they can drag foot....we kept going to remind them that they needed to bring him in.....and the DPO finally said...."madam....this is not yr room and parlor......but because I believe in marriage I will only invite him so that the 2 both of you can settle.....i thank God for my wife oh....i must buy her a present....upon how i de beat her....she has never reported me".....Ha!!!!! I nearly wept, but i wasn't going to give this wife beater the benefit of seeing me do that......I suddenly braced up and told him point blank that I did not need his services as a marriage councellor ....rather he should do his job....he looked at me and asked me shockingly....YOU MEAN YOU WANT US TO ARREST YOUR HUSBAND"?.....duh?...... YES YES YES... But he won .... He invited him... Only to hear his side of the story.....and on that day I was invited as well.....and what did mr Kay do....... He brought a friend ......and ....an album....our family album...
The 2.... The friend + The album had history.....
The friend was as bad as he was,,,,it was him that ponced on his wife one night and strangeled her till she passed out..... The poor woman moved out of his room that night....so he was already tainted.. Just that his wife was at that time still enduring......and submitting...... The ALBUMS ......were Carefully selected collection of pictures of us "playing" happy families .....me attending some of his occasions (I dare not go)....us smiling into cameras....and he tells the DPO....in a voice that seemed to be in tears....".I LOVE MY WIFE......(sobs)........ I can never plan to kill her.....(more sobs)......if she dies.....I will die.... I will die for her to live..." .
Of course by that time the myopic DPO was nodding rigorously....eyeing me like the devil wears prada.....and then HE nailed it......and said..yes HE sent all those texts......that he sent them out of desperation and need to WIN me back from the hands of "MY LOVER".....who had snatched me away from him.......HA!!!!!.................
Leaving and life after----4
ReplyDeleteBy this time.....I needed to do something pretty fast......I had my Lawyer with me taking notes.... All the while....Suddenly, the lawyer interrupted the DRAMA going on and said the DPO needed to address the issue at hand....I think it was only then that mr Kay noticed I had brought a lawyer....he studiously refused to acknowledge the poor lawyer and continued his sob story.... The lawyer again brought the discussion to the matter at hand And then the DPO Reluctanly asked me to speak....and I spoke......the timid KAY.....MORPHED into the bold person and I told everyone present my story....the abuse how it was consistent and the depth...the pain .....the scars....the tears....the denials...sexual, emotional, financial....the beatings.....and I looked at his friend and asked him to LOOK at me...he had his head in his hands....shaking his head and muttering...."I never knew all these"....I shouted at him, the DPO....MR KAY.....ALL THE MEN IN THE ROOM commanded them to look at me.....then I proceeded to slowly take out my FALSE TOOTH....the one that fell out....the one I must wear everyday before my make up ....before my mask.....and I told them.....no....ordered them to LOOK...... And in that toothless state I told ALL OF THEM to take a walk....mr Kay....his friend....his albums..... That this is the ME that came out of 19years.... The broken me..... Then I turned to the DPO..... And in tears told him....OGA.......ONE DAY ...ONE DAY VERY SOON..... YOUR WIFE'S mask will come off....and just like me......one day oga.....it will be over..... To MR KAY.....i told him....... "YOU CANT TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN......I KAY.....omo JEJE......I CHOOSE FREEDOM....And I walked out of the room....... What was the point anyway
To be continued
ms Kay oh
ReplyDeletena this one my people dey call oturugbeke
I salute your courage
may God Bless your Heart
i celebrate your courage Ms kay God bless and keep your children
ReplyDeleteYou are a fighter,winner and you deserve to be happy again.
Live long and prosper m'aam.
Your story has changed my life as iam no longer under whatsoever pressure to get married,its an eye opener for me,am more focused on me,my career and fulfilling my destiny.
LONG LIVE MS KAY!!!!!!!!
is there any good man left? we give them our heart n then they shred it to dust.
ReplyDeleteLeaving and life after ...5
ReplyDeleteThe day after the police scenario I got a strange call..... It was the IPO assigned to my case.... He said he wanted to see me at the station....i went .....and he told me that in all his life he had never encountered such a case.....that he heard about wife beating etc but that in all his 15 years of marriage he had never hit his wife.....and I shouldn't think all men are like his oga or my husband....he said he had a good cry at home last night...that he just kept on playing the scenes over in his mind and that he didn't have peace....he then told me that he had called mr Kay to report back to the station....and that HE was made to sign an undertaken and that he decided to arrest him and then release him on bail after writing the undertaken. He showed me the undertaken, which was basically that mr Kay was now responsible for my life..... And if anything should happen to me....even if I catch a cold....he will be arrested and charged to court, whether he is remotely, directly or indirectly connected to whatever happens to me anywhere in the country + outside it....HE will be held fully responsible for it.......and charged to court.....and HE SIGNED....his lawyer signed and a prominent member of the society.......ANGEL 1.....that IPO (never got to know his name) then looked at me and said.....madam prisoners embrace freedom.....and look forward to it.....and he recognizes the look of anticipation when that day comes....freedom is a choice....and I had chosen it.....that God will HELP ME..... Then he smiled ....and said "now I too will rest". .....
I walked out of that station .....and then drove to ALPHA........
Shivers! God bless you ma! You deserve all the happiness. Thank goodness, I'm not in a hurry to either enter one useless relationship or get married. The few i have been with were either good and turned bad or blaaaaady liars! God help us all.
ReplyDeleteI am so moved, goose pimples everywhere and to think this is real life. Your story Ms Kay reminds me that OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD OUR SHEPHERD! THOU YOU WALKED THROUGH THE SHADOW OF DEATH, HE WAS THERE TO COMFORT YOU
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and all the souls reading and being blessed by this. God bless SDK for bringing this very very serious issue out in her blog too. God give the rest of us bloggers the courage and audacity to also report instances of abuses without saying "She deserved it bla bla bla"
Amen!
Another real life survivor who is related to an abused person: http://efemenaoreoluwa.blogspot.com/2011/12/see-me-see-trouble-my-pipupt-3_16.html
Miss Kay,u r indeed a cat wt 9lifes.
ReplyDeleteI really thnk God fr ur lyf.
D joy of d lord shall neva elude u.
Your comforter,d Holy spirit has finally come.
U r blessed among women dearie.
I hate to comment on any blog but Ms Kay,I always look forward to your story!
ReplyDelete19 solid years,19 solid years?Mr Kay clearly has a psychiatric situation.I really really hope&pray he is still alive&has seeked help.
I have so many questions for you though.Where were ALL his family&your own family members?This appears like a life lives in "isolation"
I am grateful to GoD you survived&i wish you'll become a source of strength&pillar of support for DV victims.
God bless you MA
In ♏v̶̲̥̅ early20's n ♏v̶̲̥̅ bf is stylishly pressuring me to marry him cos he wants to be married b4 30. He's not violent or anyfn but I Told him I'm in ₪☺ hurry at all. Still have a few years left of school. Wanna graduate,abeg. Even tho ♏v̶̲̥̅ family has a history of girls getting married late, I'm ready to take chances. ₪☺ curse can work on me because the blood of Jesus sets me free. Mrs Kay's story has further strengthened ♏v̶̲̥̅ resolve to be independent b4 entering marriage. I'm still too young. Wanna know and appreciate what †Đ˝Ćą world has to offer. When I'm ready, it'll happen.
ReplyDeleteO gaa oo what a wicked world
ReplyDeleteOmg! Am crying here.such a wicked man u called husband ms kay.tnk God for ur freedom at last,u r a strong woman indeed n may God enrich u n ur kids IJN.
ReplyDeleteLeaving and LIFE.......BACK TO ALPHA
ReplyDelete.....and I wept.....I sobbed.....I let it all out.....God spoke....He started with that quiet calm words....He just crept in like a thief in the night....He became the intruder....I was worried, I was sad......I was JUST THERE, and my mind was in a turmoil...the waves had roared and raged angrily that morning, and I was just not myself anymore. Then He started in His usual way.....
He called my name....it was so quiet and calm....and the questions came...."why are you sad....what's the matter?" AM I NOT STILL YOUR GOD....HAVE I NOT ALWAYS BEEN THERE?....DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOIMG THROUGH?...."....I KNOW ALL YOUR ACTIONS.....I KNOW ALL YOUR EFFORTS....I SEE YOU....I SEE THROUGH YOU.......AND....I AM HERE....I have always been with you....and WE are backing you up......You are my masterpiece and you have been moulded and reshapen into a vessel of honour....so! I am not going to leave you now NO!!! You will never walk alone......It is well....today is a day of joy......your tears are all kept in a bottle.......I WILL GIVE YOU JOY. Today is a testimony and a covenant that I ....ELOHIM....ELION....Jehovah Rapha...YOUR HUSBAND....THE OWNER OF THE UNIVERSE....ALPHA & OMEGA.....I AM WITH YOU.
I kept on sobbing........HE was, is and will always be just TOO MUCH
O ti MUMI gbagbe ibanuje igbakan
Ase were ni se Oluwa
Oba ti mo pe to nje
Ase were ni se Oluwa
Oba ti mo pe to nje
Per aspera ad astra (through difficulties to the stars)
Sedit quitimuit ne non succe Deret (he who feared he would not succeed sat still)
Tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior. (YEILD not to misfortunes but advance all the more boldly against them)
Thank God for Mrs Kay,to think that you can make that decision to walk away is an eye opener to those that are beaten and battered daily...
ReplyDeleteDear lord,plz,this u hv done,buh take mrs kayz hrt n conform it to urz,coz ii knw dt in as much as she typez this all day,it bringz back a little of her past,b wif her n neva leave her like u wld neva leave!stella,tnk u for this forum n mrs kay,hv bin followin from part one,buh ma comment wld come d day u end this diary!H to d L=H.L
ReplyDeletehmmm...Ms Kay..
ReplyDeletewell, i am a single man, and i read all your posts, and the posts of others ...the experiences are really shockin..scary...i was almost moved to tears all through..
tnk God for your liberty ms kay!only the living can testify.
i want to admonish single ladies to open their eyes wide open...dnt be carried away with those sweet words...kisses...romance...emotions...
be objective in your judgements as much as possible..
WHATEVER yu cant endure in marriage pls trash it out before you make that commitment.
seek knowledge as much as you can...read books on wat a man wants and let him know wat women want...
make yourself the kind of person you want...cos you'l only attract your type...if you are a pretender, you'd most probably end up wit a pretendr too.
however, theres a limit common sense and head knowledge can help you to..therefore, above all, dnt relent on your prayers...keep prayin to God to uphold him,help him to continually be loving and engrace him to overcome temptations...
dont be discouraged by the stories you hear...learn from them, bt dnt forget the fact that "as long as there're good ladies out there, there are also good men out there".
for the married, pleeeeease speak to someone...speak up...dnt die in silence. if he kills yu, he will remarry and your children(if any) could suffer in the hands of a strange woman..
God bless and uphold you all!
Just watched Mary Marys song "Yesterday " its a good song for those going through DV. I remember when my ex bf removed his belt to beat me when u received a call from an old friend.. i laughed and looked at him eyeball to eyeball and i told him I would kill him if he beat me with that belt. He saw the look in my eyes, and told me to get out of his house. I did. We broke up and he came back begging but I stood my grounds and moves forward. Ladies be strong hearted. Even if u get through the beating, u have to let him know u won't take it again. And if it happens again, leave. Unless u are on a suicide mission. I say NO to DV. Be strong, read 1Corinthians 13, there is no place where they said love is violent. So stop deceiving urself that he loves u. He doesn't. He has a mental issue and unfortunately u married a sick man. Run for your life. No wealth would bring back ur life when ure gone. A wasted life is what u would become and a warning to others. Life is worth living. No matter how low u see yourself, there is hope for you. There is hope for all of us living. Never lose faith in God. Never ever. Love you all.
ReplyDeleteMs Kay, your experience is so chilling! This is something to put together for women to read and remind themselves that you alone can determine where your life heads to. We are happy there are survivors like you and my friend, who i shared her story on Part 2. Her husband sleeps with everything in skirt, even her housemaid. Well, i just chatted with her online, she's out of the country with her two kids. Not just on a vacation, but gone for good. It's not rosy there tho, but she sounded so happy to be free after about 10 years of bondage. And i quote her words that really got me "i wonder how a person can live his life without priorities. All he does is sleep around and return home drunk. It's not easy here but am happy to be free from abuse and most of all, i can now mold my kids the way they should be" So to all women who are staying put for the kids' sake, your children see all that's going on and it's never going to leave a good impression on them, not now, not ever. Once again, well done Stella.
ReplyDeleteMiss kay. Wow. U r a true hero. I find myself chking the blog praying uve uploaded then i chastise myself for looking so forward to read the pain and horror u felt. Pls pls pls know that my heart is with u. I.wish i knew who u were to give u a hug. My mum.was abused but not like this. Hers was more mental.and emotional.but she broke free and is amazingly successful..God bless african women for what we endure
ReplyDeleteGod help us not to cross to the evil side like Mr Kay. Hitting a woman is a clear choice, it is never an accident. Thankfully MS Kay has survived and is free from that killer.
ReplyDeleteFor that anonymous person whose comment I deleted saying Mskay made up this stories. Becareful that the wrath of God doesn't touch u. That woman decided to share 19yrs of beatings,pain and heartbreak on a public forum becos God guided her to. Do so.
ReplyDeleteFor the records I know Mskay and her story is as true as she described.
..For the Records Mskay is her own Boss and does not work in an office.
I am responding to this issue cos I got a lot of shocked pings from readers. Pls disregard that comment,I shouldn't have enabled it but I didnr see it from my fone.
Thanks to everyone.
Mskay I am really sorry about that.
May God use this meduim to give u a closure on the pain and guide you as you go thru counselling. Amen.
Amen and Amen.
DeleteStella thanks for this
Amen, as i am a recovering victim of dv in uk. was pregnant and going tru physical, emotinal,verbal abuse until i was 8months pregnant and couldnt take it anymore. The police took hin away, i was so scared zo raise a child alone but guess wat my precious is 2 and a very happy child. I was able to pursue my dream and set up my own biz a better person i am, today.
DeleteThe last time he best me up, my baby was just 6month.I cried all thru the night and guess what my angel cried with me. I promised i will never let her witness such violence again. I have a very happy life, my friends support and encourage me. I am so scared of dating cos i tink majority of men are beasts
DeleteThey r beasts but some r better than others.
DeleteThank God for Mrs Stella Dimoko, Thank God for her blog, Thank God for this Uncommon wisdom, Thank God for this Diary...its an eye opener. Thank God for the Life of Ms Kay, Thank God for preserving her inspite of all she went through, Thank God she took the Ultimate Decision.....What cannot be repaired can be replaced, I pray God restores all her wasted years, I pray God's Divine favor locates you Ms kay. Ure worth celebrating for being strong and Telling the stories Today. God bless you ma.
ReplyDeleteGot this somewhere I feel I should share...
"Courtship is a time for Interview not a time for Intercourse, Use your mouth to Talk, and Ask questions and not to Kiss".
SEEK, Gods opinion before relationship Commitments. I believe Every decision made in the fear of the Lord is a wise decision. I Love this Blog.. Thank You!
I feel compelled to post this at this stage. I am full of amazement, sadness,shock, disbelief and sorrow over the stories here.
ReplyDeleteI write Christian Fiction, and in the middle of writing my second novel earlier this year, the Lord asked me to drop what I was working on and start a new novel centred on Domestic Violence. The burden to write this book was so great, I felt that I had to obey.
I wrote that novel in exactly 2 months...and each line from the novel felt like it was dictated by the Holy Spirit himself. When I was writing, I didn't understand why God wanted me to write it. I didn't understand the urgency but reading this, I now know. I pray that the novel will minister to as many people as read it ( it will be a free ebook for as long as I can make it free). I am not using this medium to promote my book, please understand that. I am only awed by how God works and how he has been raising voices against domestic violence ( Stella's blog included).
Mrs Kay, may God heal you. May your heart be embalmed by soothing power of the Almighty. To all the women in this kind of relationship,may the Holy Spirit empower you to be able to break free and find WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU WERE CREATED TO BE- A WOMAN AFTER GOD's HEART, a beautiful woman. I pray and grieve with you until that time comes.
God hates domestic violence. May Pastors and ministers wake up to this and begin to FIGHT IT.
Thank you Stella for this outlet.
Abimbola Dare
From my diaries...
ReplyDeleteO Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
TO EVERYONE READING THIS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY
ReplyDeleteI know the Holy spirit led me to share my diaries.... 19 years cannot be conjoured up like magic.... But I thank God for the release He gave me since I started sharing the diary. Every day I get woken up sometimes 3am to start typing and I only feel a release when I finish writing and hit the send botton...I'm not out to scare or impress anyone. I don't need the fame.domestic violence kills Everyday...and the lives of those victims CRY...I hear Because I Too Was once a victim. .but the glory of this diary and the lives it has and will touch just has to be The hand of GOD. I give Him all the glory and I know He has a reason for wanting this story out there. It is only a warped mind that will sit and imagine and write this sort as fiction. But as for me... I LIVED that life and I won't wish it on my worse enemy ...I only hope that someone has learnt or is learning and is taking a step of faith. I believe if we save one life, Gods will would have been done. War is sweet to those who have never fought. Good night.
Hmmm,Ogun si ti tan,ija dopin!!!
DeleteGod bless you for sharing!love tou your kids
HMMMMMMMMMMMM. thx for sharing , may the good lord guide and protect you as you move on . .
ReplyDeletewow! these stories from part 1 to 3 are quite touching, i cried all night after reading part 2. however, not all men are bad. these diaries will empower women n also discourage single ladies. i do sympathise with mrs Kay but for others out there, u cant slap ur hubby and expect him to fold his hands. holding back the truth bout ur genotype (AS), marital status(divorcee) and having a child are somtimes unforgiveable offences. how do you expect him to feel when he finds out.
ReplyDeleteMrs Kay, i admire you. GOD be with you and your children.
Mmmhmmm im so emotional right now thinking of what my Mum hv endured and is still enduring with my Dad may God bless u Ms Kay and give u double blessings for all ur troubles.
ReplyDeleteDear Ms. Kay thank you so much for bearing your heart and experience with us all. I have read through your dairy over and over, the content is just unbelievable and amazing to imagine or behold. You have touched yet another life with YOUR life, strength, grace, courage and faith in God throughout your ordeal and even NOW. I can't explain how I feel about reading your dairy but I know I have been deeply touched and learnt alot just by all YOU are. YOU ARE INDEED A WOMAN OF VIRTUE, SUBSTANCE, STRENGTH AND AN EXPRESSION OF GOD'S GRACE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!! LOVE YOU. Poise
ReplyDeleteGod bless you Ms Kay and ur children too. I used to be in a relationship where I was emotionally and psychologically abused by my ex. it started off with heavy cursing if i so miss his calls and dont call back and he calls me back, oh God help me with the curses. Then he begs and begs that it was the devil. It progressed to you know am managing you, no one else will take you, you are an 'aloku' (fairly used), then it went on to because my family is richer i should always support him and his family financially when the need arises, and this was always done through emotional abuses, i remember he tried to rape me when I told him I was a virgin,and is reason for the attempted rape was he thought 'lagos' girls lie about such to turn the guys on...thank God for kitchen knife. He always had this if you love me you will, oh no one will love you like i do. At that time i kinda believed him because I had chronic migraine + asthma, so i thought well no man will want to marry problem. He was possessive and jealous, he chased all my male friends away, he almost fought on the street with my cousin just because he hugged me and picked me up bcuz he hadnt seen me for 1year but ex didnt knw he was my cousin! He expected me to leave my house on a saturday with my parents home 8am to get to Lagos Island to wash his clothes and tidy his family house, if i do not get there, oh all hell will let loose, the shouting, the curses, he dared raised his hand on me one day but i told him there and there if he hits me i will leave him. He was insecured. After 4years i got my freedom from this 'relationship prison. I am currently in a relationship and I am happy and grateful to God for it. Domestic abuse is not only when a man beats you, it goes deeper than that. I still get affected by the things my ex used to say to me that were hurtful but I am moving on steadily. Ladies, when you notice, please RUN!!!God heal the hearts of everyone who has been abused in any form. Peace and Love
ReplyDeleteHmmm; it is well o! Godbless yu Ms Kay! Ure a light that has shone on darkness! DV is exposed totally nd women re waking up frm being abused, nd single girlz re more vigilante instead of patchin DV relationships, You are instead God's instrucment. Godbless yu Mrs stella DK. Let's all b prayerful* peace! #Sugarous sugar
ReplyDeleteHmmm; it is well o! Godbless yu Ms Kay! Ure a light that has shone on darkness! DV is exposed totally nd women re waking up frm being abused, nd single girlz re more vigilante instead of patchin DV relationships, You are instead God's instrucment. Godbless yu Mrs stella DK. Let's all b prayerful* peace! #Sugarous sugar
ReplyDeleteHmmm; it is well o! Godbless yu Ms Kay! Ure a light that has shone on darkness! DV is exposed totally nd women re waking up frm being abused, nd single girlz re more vigilante instead of patchin DV relationships, You are instead God's instrucment. Godbless yu Mrs stella DK. Let's all b prayerful* peace! #Sugarous sugar
ReplyDeleteGod bless you MS KAY, God bless you Stella for this domestic violence post. It's so sad to know that domestic violence just won't go away and cases of DV is on the rise. It is so scary. Please if you are a victim of domestic violence, GET HELP like ASAP!!!! Don't cover his or her ass because if he or she can hit you once, slap you once, punch you once....... He or she will do it again and again. Infact they can kill you. Someone who hits you, slaps you, punch, bites you and insults you does not Love you! All that " I am sorry" and crocodile tears is just fronting cos they will do it again. To all you wife beaters out there, if you like read all the comments here and learn! Good for you. If you like read the comments, roll your damn eyes and call Stella names......that's your damn business cos Stella no send you!! My ex who thought I was his punching bag for 8 years is dealing with his problems till tomorrow.....lets just say KARMA IS A BITCH!!!!
ReplyDelete@@@ TRUST NO MAN
Abimbola Dare- your book on cheating helped me get off a very dangerous path i was threading. Thank you. God bless Stella for this blog. My husband is not violent. but i cant help wondering at the support he shows violent men. my heart is loving but my eyes are open. my kids and i would always be protected and secure by God's grace. i have read about other people's financial mistakes and im doing my best to avoid them. God bless you Mskay, God bless you Stella. feel like hugging you both and spinning you off the ground! You inspire women all around me everyday.
ReplyDeleteMskay,am short of words to describe how strong willed you are;God really gave you the strenght to fight back.Am happy you left that marriage.Well,am not yet married,but am engaged for several years now;My dad usually beat my mum when we were small(I could remember I might be 5 then and even in my teenage age)I tested my fiance severally to see if he's a wife beater like getting on his nerves,answering a man call for minutes to make him jealous(he called it flirting).But,thank God,he's a good man and I really pray he wouldn't change but he got really mad I thought he would beat me and I will just pack all my stuff and leave.I,on my side will try and be submissive and respectful cos attimes,women causes their misfortune.My mum endured the beating(though not a regular thing)usually hits up during argument till we were in our teen.Truly my mother is a stubborn woman but that doesn't mean she should be beaten at every provocation.But,on these day,my parents had misunderstanding and my dad bounced on her;she immediately raised our side stool and threaten to head my dad on the head if he raised his hands on her lol.That was the last he touched my mum.I didn't no my dad dey fear oh.He said he knew my mum head no correct and he believed she can hit him d wooden stool.My mum warned him seriously that she wouldn't take the beating now we are grown.And at the same time,she knew when to stop in an argument once she's sees that my dad blood dey hot,she don leave the sitting for am be that.I believe I learnt lots of things from my parents marriage(not to be dummy oh)but,to always keep quite when a man is angry and get mad when he's calm.Well,my parents are still living in peace but they still have their issues but no more beating as my mum have learnt to always ignore him.And attime if my she wants to make fuse out of nothing,we will always tell her to avoid trouble for peace to ruin.but my mum,at times she's troublesome lol.* Miracle*
ReplyDeleteCan anyone kindly post contacts for good marriage counsellors in Lagos and Abuja.
ReplyDeleteThanks to SDK,MsKay and everyone else who has contributed.
I'm so certain that a number of people have been set free from their DV shackles as a result of this awareness.
i expect him to divorce me and go his way.
ReplyDeleteStella pls update this! I love ur other stories
ReplyDeleteHmmm, this domestic violence diary scares the shit outta me! I for one I'm the 'speak your mind type of girl' never let a man ride on you type of girl! Since this dv started av been reading the stories! But recently met a guy, apparently even the good morning he says is a lie you might have to check your wristwatch to be sure, he's single but every day must have sex. Seriously I know his a perve but I feel his lifestyle is out of depression or something, drinks, smokes and parties every other day, oh trust I got carried away, little by little I've been noticing him being violent towardz me, hits me 'jokingly' chases me with sharp objects 'jokingly' calls me names jokingly, has slept with every girl in this city 'jokingly' lol errtin jokingly yh, till it gets serious, he trys to make me feel less calls me fat at will I'm a size 12 kinda Girl dno if hz blind tho! He saiz come here I come, do ds I do, really? Wen u fynd urself tryin to prove your worth to a guy den uv lost your value! Mostyms we knw all these things the question is y do we still stay and endure? Abi z it d devil pushin one in2 a scenario one can't get out off? Truth be told we ladies seee Dv traits in guyz before we marry this guys we choose to ignore der ill behaviours, then marry them n start suffering all of this, you see a guys lifestyle yet you put your head inside and call it love! Y don't u pray b4 accepting to get married to this dudes? Ms kays story touched my last nerve wv tears flowing, esp young girls rushing into relationships/marriage ask youself y d rush? Ts evn good I c ds traits n flee, wat of dose hu pretend to be sweet n nice! The day he hit me (I alwais tell myself I'm strong) he pinned me dwn I couldn't push him I knew dat waz it! I can neva eva fyt for my freedom no matter wat, life is sweet, there's only one life, wen u die several men wuld walk pass ur grave includin the guy hu kild you! My dad neva hit my mum for a second neva abused her physically emotionally or verbally, never slept out or brought strange women into d hme y would I nw wish that for myself? Lastnyt I made the decision enough is enough wen he cald me By 9pm askin me to cme to his hsee n I said I waznt cmn n he goes "is smetin rng wv ur head? R u mad r u ok, I said u shuld cme over n u say no" Wow! Biko, b4 him I had a life, 9pm I'm indoorz I dnt sniff or smell the air outside till ts morn so y wuld I do dat cuz I met him? I would only b foolish to get into such relationship with my clear eye. Some people that's how they were brought up, remember your values, remember you can't change a man he can change himself, take your stand, Do the things that please you, a man would only respect you if you value yourself, he sees you have no value his ready to pull you down, he seez you have no regard for your fam he'll disregard u! He'll beat you and kill you cuz he knwz sorry ends the matter, p:s hs a rich dude so money answereth all thinz, there r goddesses and doormats! R u goddess? Then make sure a man Fynds you and treats you as a goddess, r u a doormat? Hahaha u beta dnt b, dey'll throw dirt on u, dust der feet on u, make u feel less! Plzzzz women, ladies, Say no to domestic esp wen u seee a clear picture pls fleeee! For religion sake marriage is a do or die affair u knw? Atleast go for counselling in one of them christian churches make sure the nigga u wv z wv u! Make sure!
ReplyDeleteGbamestest u ve said it all,God bless u,plenty hugs.
DeleteBabe, I rejoice with you. Thank GOD you found your way out!
DeleteGod Bless Your Mercilessly for this..
DeleteREQUIEM TO THE MRS
ReplyDeletewhere do I begin and how .....Holy Spirit please help me...u said this diary had to be written ...you have laid the burden on my heart for so long...I can even taste the need in my mouth. You kept on urging me and encouraging me....Kay...this book must be written.....then each time the tabloids said something about ABUSE or each time another woman died, or was attacked by her husband.....you brought the whole issue straight at me...made me feel guilty and left me thinking....maybe if the diary had been shared maybe just maybe the woman or child might not have died.....
Then I took the first tender steps...like a baby learning to walk....I blindly collated some cuttings from the diary....random ones and blindly sent it off...hoping that maybe they will go unnoticed and thrown out....but of course, my writings were published.... there they were put straight out on line....and I'm hit like a hurricane with one of my whimsical ones "the woman at the well" ..... I nearly died of embarrassment....looked desperately around and hoped no one had noticed that it was me.........same me......
You see over the years I had developed a sense of inferiority complex.....heard it said everyday "you are not good enough.....you are not pretty enough.....thank your stars you married me......no one else would ever have looked at you........you lack this , lack that......." So I just basically didn't have the confidence a professional woman like me should have.....everyone except me felt that I had remarkable talent.......I remember one day, I had just given a one hour lecture to my group of professionals ....I was nervous and felt so so stupid...sure I had messed up.......then at the end of my lecture everyone got up and gave me a standing ovation.....and in between backslapping s.....wows...clappings.....I just stared blankly .....was that me? ......one of my friends looked at me at the end of that lecture and said..."Kay you have so much talent and potentials that I just can't stop wondering what's wrong with you....you have so much to give....yet you are not doing anything about it....."
A few weeks later one of my pastors said almost the same thing.....and I kept wondering why I could not fulfill purpose....
I was not always like this.....in fact in my secondary/UNI days.....confidence oozed out of me .....I was the MC, actress, dancer, strategist, planner....fashion consultant etc....there was no stopping me.....I could act I could dance....and when the stage wasn't enough my friends and I took our act to the TV.... Till today my father calls me for advice on everything..... And my extended family sees me as a role model....I had scores of friends, And basically loved life. i had peace and was always happy......
What changed me.........MARRIAGE.....
MARRIAGE.....was eagerly awaited for.....I wanted be married....I loved the institution of marriage (still do) .....wanted to be mother of 6 children or more.....loved cooking.....I'm still one of the best...enjoyed going to the market.....loved looking after the home ....even loved children to the extent that I always had other people's children with me....marriage......the only thing I ever really really wanted was just to be a loving loving wife to Mr Kay.....with loads of children........and everyone that knows me.....(including HIM).... knows that was ME......MY HOME... MY HUSBAND ....MY KIDS.....were my dream and my life....all I wanted was to love mr Kay .....be there for him.....be a homely mother....(you know the type that bakes, cooks...changes diapers etc) ...........that's one of the reasons I stayed.....I held on to the dream I had about a peaceful loving home.......
DREAMS DIE FIRST.....he pretended all through courtship......and I was not careful enough to study my partner.
So I'm going to put up the signs BEFORE, DURING and AFTER so that we all learn.
Ms kay i cant remember the last time i cried but ur last post brought tears.......GOD HELP WOMEN..............all those women out there who are going thru any form of violation,please seek help cos the damage is long term,it affects the children you are staying on for.
ReplyDeletefunny that i have never physically experienced domestic violence but i feel the pain of every beaten,broken and abused woman out there.
i just had to comment.... i just had to...Ms kay your words have broken me this night.
i hope this diary heals you and takes the pain away,i hope that after you are thru,u will find the closure that has eluded you
Mskay strong and beautiful woman God bless you.
you are so beautiful,i cant believe anyone wud look at you and want to beat you.
God bless you MS KAY........
ReplyDelete@@@ TRUST NO MAN
MS kay,
ReplyDeleteThank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!
Thank you for taking time to pour out your experiences. You are a strong woman!
I am still speechless after reading Ms Kay's dairy and other posts. All I have to say is God bless you Ms Kay and may he heal your broken heart. God help women.
ReplyDeleteI am still speechless after reading Ms Kay's dairy and other posts. All I have to say is God bless you Ms Kay and may he heal your broken heart. God help women.
ReplyDeleteEagerly waiting for the signs ms Kay
ReplyDeleteINTERACTIONS WITH AN ABUSER....damned if you do, damned if you don't.
ReplyDeleteIf you argue with him, he says you are stubborn
If you are quiet, he argues with you anyway
If you call him, he says you are needy and clingy
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you
If you dress sexy, he says you are a slut
If you don't dress nicely, he says you look bad...terrible....
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him
When and if you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it
If you tell him your problems, he says you are bothering him.....and tells everyone ur secrets
If you don't he says you don't trust him
If you try to bring up a problem he says you Re bitching,
If he brings up a problem he yells
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted"
Promises are not in his dictionary..he either conveniently forgets....or lies ......
Either way....you are damned.
Tnk u sooooooo much 4 dis o! I almost ended up with dis kinda man but smhw @ d back of my mind I knew thr ws smthg rong wit d relationship. He neva raised his hands but he ws psychologically abusive. Almost everythg u wrote on dis list! Ended thgs wit him. I'm nw am married 2 an older man who tho isn't d most romantic person but he makes up 4 it in understandin. Even wen we fite n thgs get heated he walks away or just keeps quiet n ignores me. After tempers hv cooled, he apologises n we try 2 c each odas POV. N I thank God 4 dat. God bless u 4 sharin esp for d single ladies. Pls luk well b4 u leap.
DeleteGod bless you Ms Kay, RIP to the person you were in that devilish marriage. This post taught me a lot . It helped me get over an abusive relationship. I learnt that I am worth a whole lot more. Thank you, may you continue to get peac, fulfillment and justification in your new life. Damn people that will judge you for being divorced. I hope you find love again.
ReplyDeleteGOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY MA,
ReplyDeleteHmmmm,stella my bf beating like all d tym...am sure gonna poison him one day..cruel nd useless man.
ReplyDeleteLamide
Don't poison him ooo! Y nt just leave!
DeleteDon't let a man make u commit a crime u wld regret for d rest of ur life!
which poison??? Mumu u! U bera get d hell out of dat relationship fast!....yinkus
ReplyDeleteI wish I could expose ds mad man I call ♏v̶̲̥̅ father. Jobless, yet demanding. Wanting to alwayS be respected.I just wish.....
ReplyDeleteCOMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
ReplyDeleteHe was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family
He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments
Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates
His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency on him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him
Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive relationship is with their partner.
He has low self esteem
He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to expectations of what a wife should be like.....often the way his parents marriage was, or it's opposite. He then demands that you change to accommodate his expectations.
He has great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. "He would not be drunk If she didn't nag him so much.....he won't be angry if only she does what she is told to do........" He does not believe that there is anything wrong with him....but will rather tell all that his spouse has psychiatric issues.......
He has dual personality.....he is either exceptionally charming or exceptionally cruel....he can be selfish or generous depending on his mood.....
A major important character of abusers is their capacity to deceive others.....he can be cool, calm, charming and convincing .......a con man.
An abuser doesn't relate to his spouse as a person in her own right, but as a SYMBOL of a significant other....this is very true when he is angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other.....(often his mother). So his spouse is usually a symbol
He usually railroads discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior
Do you see some or all of these traits in your partner?.....then you need to take a decision especially if you are not yet married.....one mistake we all make is to assume that he will change as soon as we are married......YOU ARE WRONG.....some of these traits may not have even begun to show yet....but ask yourself these questions....
Do you feel you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you ?
Does your partner frequently criticize And humiliate you, or undermine your self esteem
Does your partner isolate you from your friends, family or groups
Does he limit your access to work, money or material resources
Has he stolen from you....or run up debts for you to handle
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close
Have you ever felt obligated to have sex....just to avoid an argument about it
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship
Has he ever thrown away your belongings destroyed objects or threatened pets
ARE YOU AFRAID OF HIM
Take a moment to consider these questions.......and on a final note he might even behave as though things were OKAY.....the community, your group of friends, family may see you as the ideal couple.....may see him as the "loving...doting husband".......he puts up a fantastic front......but between both of you .....it is obvious that things are NOT OKAY ......seek help.
Kay you jst describe my husband but most people don't believe me expect for my parent and some of his relative,we have even relocated abroad and he has become worse beating and tearing my clothes up in front of our 3kids,he says I never say things right,I don't reason well,he call me ugly and he doesnt want me to relate with anyone.he told me if I try to leave he is going to kill Me and am scare he will do it.just last week he pour a pot of soup on me becos I told him to take it easy on our son when he was beating him.am scared not out of respect but what he might do to me.
DeleteFolabi had and still has these characters, he is the worst beast at home and very charming in publuc until u get to know him better. A jobless man who will never appreciate wat u do for him, beating and hitting me all the time even in pregnancy. Drunk , and very controlling. I thank God the police took away. He grew up in a bad polygamus home, his dad was like him and he chose his dad as his role model. I thank God i was able to escape from it all as i had gotten to the point of sucide. Now my confidence is back and i am back to being that once pretty bubbly person.
DeleteMy sister I don't have the mind to call police on him,what if he is deported back to nija& my neighbor has warm that she is going to call police on him even with he does care.am so frustrated right now.
DeleteI tot of all that, him being deported or jailed. He never stopped, turned me into a punching bag i nearllly lost my life and the baby. I had to call the police if not it will have been my funeral. He blamed me for all his badluck forgetting he was very wretched when u met him. u have to be brave and walk away. His mum died at 14 from all tge pain his dad put her thru.
DeleteI forgot to add that i ended up having high blood pressure, i was alone all my famiky is in naija. His sisters would pretend in my face and tell him i am not a good wife cos i didnt give him money. He beat the hell out, of her when she came visiting. He was in detention camp for a month until he claimed asylum being gay. When he gets frustrated he tries to make trouble wit me . I decided to cut off his family cos they started wit verbal and emotional abuse. When dv starts u dont know, it starts wit words and then goes up to serious punching and beating. I dont know y any man will raise up his hand and hit a woman to harm her.
DeleteYinkus gave great advice but managed to ruin it all by cussing "anonymous" out.....sigh.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby has all these traits!I need help!am so fustrated,
ReplyDeleteMay God touch their hearts and have Mercy
ReplyDeletehmnnnn...Ms kay, I purposely didn't want to say anything till I read to the end of your story.
ReplyDeletetruly, you are a very strong woman, you have the will spirit and you are a fighter.
much as you have gone through a terrible dream in the last 19years, I am so happy you came out of it all alive and strong.
what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
Mr Kay am afraid strikes me as a demon sent from hell in the name of a husband. thank God he didn't succeed in killing you probably as he planned.
I pray for total healing in your mind, body and soul. thank God for the light at the end of this very long dark tunnel.
it is well with you.
ps: I pray you get custody of your kids asap. they don't deserve to live with such a man even though he is their father.
God bless you ma'am!
#tight hug#
Dear Ms Kay, the characteristics of an abuser u listed perfectly describes my dad and u av left no words unsaid!..ths is exactly who he is..yet my mums..yes I av a step..a very loving woman. How surprising is it that we do not have the usual polygamous troubles yet we are one big unhappy family. Both my mum and this woman have been physically and psycologically violated!. Though they say its better now and that it can only get better. Hmmm, maybe because e doesn't really do the beatings and slaps as much as before..he is more into curses and other forms of verbal abuse now. These women believe that whereever destiny taketh is where you live and this was what they were taught..to be submissive and tolerant. These women can't do nothing on their own without seekng permission and approval first from the almighty daddy. He sees himself as God - such a bully to his wives and kids!. Can't wait to finish school, get a good job and get my mother out of here!. Thts if she listens..smh..wonder wat sort of mentality that is..thy claim thy are 'omo agba'..somthn like children of the olden days and they weren't thought to speak up or leave their marriages. Even the kids they claim they are here for aren't happy!. I ignore that man as much as I can cuz e wld pick on u at evry opportunity. The only thing is he pays our fees at school which I think is just enough for my mum..it just makes me so sad she has to go through all she's going through.
ReplyDeleteWhat does it matter? All that really matters is that the story was shared
ReplyDelete#75 sorry to sound blunt, you don't want this man to be deported to naija. But you have no peace of mind, this man will kill you one day and pray your children don't jam strange woman who will torment them...please wake up before it is too late.
ReplyDeleteCall police on his ass, let them deport him back to naija.
Get your life together, if you are unemployed find a job or go to school...don't be lazy, be financially stable.
Am not lazy at all,I didnt even know I was this hardworking until I got here,its not easy to call cops on the father of your kids.
DeleteMy dear, you better think of yourself first. You need to stay alive and in one piece. I used to endure until one glorious day when I could take it no more. Even despite the fact that I was just recovering from a cesarean operation that did not deter the beatings oh! That glorious day, no one taught me before I ran outside the house and called the police. My baby was about 6 months then. I couldn't help imagining what would happen to my baby off I stupidly lost my life , for heaven's sake it would be his word over mine, if I ever passed on so I had to act fast. He spent the night there, I was labelled the bad person by the church. The very same people who I had told several times I was being abused but kept saying they would talk to him, they would scold him in my presence bit that was about it because he was a worker in church!
DeleteThe police and a couple of agencies that handle domestic violence contacted me, asking me what I wanted and that they would be willing to support me all the way with my decision. In all this time, I was not allowed to speak to him, he was only allowed to speak to a lawyer. Knowing the type of person he is, I knew he must have learnt his lesson and that if he stepped out of there he would never in his life lay his hands on me again. I pleaded, begged and informed the police I wanted him back and I am sure he didn't mean to hurt me or his daughter.With the help of the lawyer, he was finally realeased.
It was hard getting back together for us both but I have to stay alive for my child so I must protect myself. I tell you what the next time we had an argument, he picked his clothes and walked out of the house. Till date, I still have a lot of pin in my left ear that gets worse and painful every winter. Na hot slap cause am, that's after loads of medication. I still nurse pain till date, he never stops to apologise for that and keeps telling me he is wiser and that he always felt that he could get me to do his bidding by hitting me.
You wonder why I am telling you this? I don't want you to blame yourself in future.
You have kids, for the sake of your kids,please protect yourself.
anon 2.50pm n 5.05pm...u re scared of calling police on a wicked man??i pray he doesnt kill u ooo!Please do the needful for a better n peaceful life for u and the kids.A bad n abusive marriage is d same as hell fire!!Ladies...pls look before u leap!
ReplyDelete#77, this is #76 typing.
ReplyDeletePlease think about your kids, I'm happy you are a hardworking lady. But
stop being selfish, you are messing those kids up.....I don't know how old your kids are but for the sake of their future get out now. if you can't call a cop on his behind, kindly leave him alone by moving somewhere else.
Brief story of an aunt( a nurse practitioner), who was a victim of DV....her excuse was I can't call cops on my husband, and I can't leave alone without a man. Guessed what she is now in nursing home paralyzed can't do nothing for herself. What happen? her ex-husband pushed her down the stairs and that was it. Her three girls are in their late 20's to early 30's, scared to death to be in a relationship. You are putting your children thru psychological, emotional, and physical abuse that will affect them later on in life.
Guessed what, my aunt ex-husband served prison terms because his children testify against him that he abused their mother and they saw him pushed her. When he was released. first thing he did was to file for divorce, afterwards he went to nigeria and remarried.
My aunt is bed-ridden, her children her messed up, and rumor as it one of her daughter hate men so much she is a lesbian. Her ex-husband is a free man.
GET OUT NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.
I am a man and I have witnessed some DV on some of my friends wives; but all the wives are not saint.Some of them married their spouses through false pretence(lies); diabolical means; entice their men with money and sex during the courtship so as to win his love or get him from other rivals. And mostly after the mariage; katakata will burst and there will be no love; no sane man would be beating his loving wife with belt.It is very suprising wife continue having the children for the abusive men; are the men raping them to get pregnants?
ReplyDeleteSome wives that used sex to entice their men; after marriage they would realise the manhood of the husband is not big enough or they do not like sex anymore; or a woman who used to give a man money while dating suddenly stopped when marriage came in.
Women should stop enticing/force the mariage on men; watch-out for true love.
I don't agree that all women who have gone through DV have somehow enticed the men to marry them. Why can't you men be civilised enough to just understand that violence against women is STUPID,RECKLESS and IRRESPONSIBLE behaviour. You're asking why the women keep getting pregnant ? Perhaps the violent men are raping them or coercing them briefly by hiding the demon of violence and pretending to be good.
DeleteYes every woman is not a saint , but every man is not a saint too!
The only thing is women need to realise that marriage is not everything . Society keeps pushing women to get married and they are desparate to get married to save face. Its ok to be single. But the same message must be repeated . NO TO DV!! Thank you.
If the men feel so bad then why can't they leave the women? Anyway u must have a local mindset to believe all you have written.
DeleteMzkay,#sighz#it seem like ur story has ended just has ur suffering as ijn!Nw am ready to comment:Mzkay,from ur strong n glorious songg"ija dopin,ogun ti se"gbogbo ogun to ti se ninu aye yin,ti olohun ogo ti ba yin se,ko ni pada gberi moo ni oruko jesu!d storm d devil thot wld blow u away only made u stronger wit God oon ur side!May d lord restore to u in double portn all d yearz u hv lost in gr8ness ijn!May u live to eat d fruit of ur labour over ur children,may u neva sit back n watch dem die ijn!As for ur husband,hez in Godz handz!D effect ur story had oon me as an individual is notyn dt can b explained!Amnt married ooo,#sighz#buh God knwz best!To all other women dt re in mzkayz former shoe,plz in Godz name,plan ur escape ASAP!To we young ladiez,dnt ignore d signz esp.as in mzkayz conclusion!olohun maje ki ashi ese gbe o(may d most high God not allow us tread oon d wrong path o)#sighz#ENUF SAID(wish ma thotz can b pasted!H to d L=H.L
ReplyDeleteHello Stella, although I do not want my identity revealed in any type of way which explains why I am dropping this note as a comment, I am pleased to introduce myself as one of your loyal readers. I have this issue very heavy on my mind and ever fresh in my memory, I would like your own advice if you do not mind and also from anyone who cares. I was molested by my father when I was about 10..he usually walks round the house at night to check that everyone is 'fine' in their rooms before he goes to bed or wakes up midnight to do the same. That fateful day, he came around but this time woke me up. He asked me to come along..in his living room, e sat me down and didn't ask but said categorically to me..'You have started having sex'. Very confused I was and I remember I immediately started crying. Sex?? Nt sure I ad even started doing biology at the time..I'm sure I ddnt know what to say but I can remember crying and sayng no Sir. Then he goes, okay if you haven't started having sex, I will test you tonight bt do not tell your mother. I naively said ok ..he asked me to lay down, I did so and he put his finger in me..I get disgusted evrytym this scene plays in my head and I misbehave around the house..like not talk to anyone, be by myself and its very dsturbn for the people around me who duno wat am gong through inside. That day passed without him telling me whether or not I passed his 'test' or not..the second time, my mum went for vigil and so it was just my brother and I and him at home..this time he did not even wake me, he lifted my top and next thing I felt his mouth on my breast..I kept trying to resist him but he didn't let go.the third time, same thing he did not wake me, he spread my legs and pulled my trousers!..I woke up tried to seat up but he had one mean look in his eyes that spoke more than words..I was young wat could I have done! This time, he put his fingers in me and as usual I was in pains and crying.. I heard him saying something like he wonders why I am not wide enough to take in two fingers. Disgusting huh?..this thoughts just keep reoccuring to me these days and its driving me nuts!. Then I felt him open a bodycream maybe?..duno wat, but now that am much older it must have been some kind of lub..now what am scared of is during these times is it possible he had proper sex with me and I ddn't know? I am 25 now, haven't had a bf cuz I'm scared..I really don't know if am still a virgin or not..Nobody knows this except me and the father..I bet he doesn't even know I remember all this because I live with him, my mum and my siblings and everything has been pretty normal for a very long time..I have a sister that's 10 now and I'm alwys worried he might be doing the same to her now. Pls I need serious advice on how I can get over this..Mosttyms I feel like confronting him and asking what he did to me and why he did what he did but this will ruin the family. I just wish I could erase this from my head.
ReplyDeleteIf u have a job pls take your sister and move out. He will do it again. And sweetheart it was not your fault. Please don't feel guilty. He's just a very sick man. U can confront him but trust me, he is such a coward he will deny it and Like u said it will ruin the family. Your mom will probably not believe you. (sad but true). Pls find a way to get it sis out. Good luck dear
DeleteThanks to everyone who took time to respond to me. God bless. On the issue, Moving out? Trust me I think about that all the time. But with my sister, it wl be very difficult..I mean looking after her, sending her through school..She recently resumed boarding house and I have said anytym she's home I make sure she sleeps in my bed with me. She's home now and will be staying for about 3months..this is why am worried bcuz even with the fact that she sleeps with me..nythn can happen and he will tell her..do not tel anyone.
Delete#85 you are as guilty as him if u do not find out for sure if he is also molesting ur younger sister!!!! Please, speak up, what if she isn't as strong as u emotionally to overcome?what if this abuse psychologically damage her? Your mother should know! Tell one of ur anty . And she should quietly call ur mother to her house where you will tell her. It's up to her then to protect her lil baby girl , she will know what to do if she is a good mother. Hmmm mm, what a world we live in!
ReplyDeleteI understand..I should also add that I haven't said anything all this time because of the family especially my younger ones..my dad can be very mean and can do anything..what if he says am evil and he sends us out..I mean I would love for him to send me out btw cuz smtyms wen I see him and remember, I do a lot of crazy things. That wl be good for my own sanity..but not to be selfish..wat wld become of my younger ones..their education?..I'm not that financially stable yet and as for my mum..just leave her o..her own story is for another day..she has given the 'love of her life' her all and can't do anything wtout him atleast talkn about finances.
DeleteMy dear I can't imagine how you feel. Please try to make your sister your friend so she can tell you anything you want to know. Please it's important so she can alert you if he does anything. If she says something you will have to damn your mother's feelings and speak out. you can't allow him ruin 2 lives and get away with it. Please. We are all praying for you.
DeleteIt is not about local mindset; it is about mindset of Ladies who are desperate to get marry.Most men are sick and they are not ready for the challenges marriage brings.In abroad; rate of divorce is very high because there is no society influence-on-you-must-be-mrs.Immediately one of the spouse notice he could not cope; he/she seeks for divorce;even if the marriage happened within 24 hrs.Though in Africa there is no government support on this issue; so Ladies must be very careful in choosen their patner.Most men marry because of materials thing; may be money or good sex or good look; good food from ladies, and immediately any of these is lacking; he goes back to his normal self-no-love.Most people have mental issues(though they are not mad as in mad), but they are realy mad.God does not mislead; and he knows the mind of quite; ladies must be prayerful before they say I do, it is getting too much! women are dying to DV!
ReplyDeletehi Stella,I am not commenting this time,I know you can see my number,I need your help,can I please have your email address,this is an s o s,I'm a victim of dv,now its not physical,I'm losing my mind,don't know how much I can take.
ReplyDeletemy email address is Stelakuko@hotmail.com
ReplyDelete*confused*..i cant see your number.
wow, i just praise God for the family i was raised in. I thought all families were like this. Despite my mum being a nag, my dad loved her madly. even until death. Now she is on her own, lonely and sad. No one to nag, play with and have quarrels with. I never witnessed sexual, physical or emotional abuse. This is why i find it hard to settle with any bullshit. There are good men out there, and it takes one to value ones self, future and future children to find them. And also appreciate them. My mum was from a single mother, and i think most of her nagging came from insecurity about what a good life she had, and how good she had it. Guess she wasnt used to it. My dad was such a good man, that his death totally devastated us, and by the grace of God, mentally, i am just getting my life back together after such a loss from a few years back. Even need counseling sef to get over it. Almost destroyed me, that i how attached we all were to our good parents. I hope God spares and keeps my mum. As an extension, we (their children) have all sought and found really good spouses. I think women should keep their eyes open, and marry good men. Men are more than women in the world, and there are many good men out there. Have patience and if it doesnt make sense, then it doesnt. Find a good man for your future, and respect your husband. Marry the love of your life even if he is not so buoyant today. The wealthy man you see today, whom you are struggling to marry was probably a poor boy or average yesterday. But one woman saw the good in him and supported him. Though they may not have married or they are married, he will always love and respect her more than you the long throat.
ReplyDeleteThis is a pathetic story but we all need to understand that violence is totally unacceptable!
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Most violators always ensure they live their married lives in isolation saying that "once we are married, it's our life and we do not need any interference from other people". It's all lies.
ReplyDeletePlease do all you can to get close to your sister. Get her to the point where she can share anything and everything with you. Start talk on sex education, menstrual circles and all. For her age, she's naive and would want to know more. from there you might even be able to tell if something's been happening with your dad.
ReplyDeleteYou need to take this very seriously. You will always be proud of yourself and easily overcome your past if you suceed in preventing this from happening to your sister.
I sincerely hope nothing has happened yet. I also understand the part about ur mum. Same happenend to me with my step-brother when i was about 5 yrs old. I'm 29 now and till date my mum never knew. If it happenend again, with the kind of mother i have, i doubt that i will be able to tell her still. She wont belive and "go even beat me on top am".
I think you should get help from someone; family friend, pastor (someone reliable). I dont know how you will do it, but you may not always be there to protect your sister.
Off the top of my head, i would confront my father privately (I really hope he's your biological father *just thinking*). i wont give him the opportunity to talk but would look him in the eye and swear to kill him if he ever touched my sister.
Now about your state of mind. Be strong and create your world the very way you want it to be. You may not have had control over the past, but you can control, to a very large extent, what happens to you from now. Life is only as beautiful as you truly want it to be. Everyone's got a past, the happy ones just learn to fly above it. God bless you.
Violence against women is extremely common. http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/20/health/global-violence-women/index.html. Get out of it or get help please
ReplyDeleteOur parents raised wives and forgot to raise husbands for them. There is always a reason for everything that happens in life. I was lucky to ave been raised by Men who believed more in being manly the proper way. Dv should never b managed, if the Man wants a wife, He had better learn hw to keep one. Women shldnt give excuses for what they knw nothing about. It starts from telling ur daughter what not to do but praising Ur son on d bad attributes He is portraying. Then it moves to ladies thinking a guy is hot or has got everytin dey need in a man thereby neglecting d basic things a Man shld b about. Then a Man getting away with treating a woman like thrash and the next woman is ready to blame the previous woman. And another woman thinking the ardent church goer Is d perfect Man. As much as we pray for a right man, We shldnt close our eyes to the realities of the day. A loving Man is one who strives to make His woman happy daily knowing fully well that His own happiness is dependent on only that.
ReplyDeletewords to describe what I have read, from these accounts fail me. I pray that for everyone who has suffered some kind of abuse one way or another,God who is the balm in Gilead, will heal all our wounds. Ms kays account is incredible. I would like her to know, that her walk with God has encouraged me and am further encouraged to keep walking the walk.
ReplyDeleteAnd for Stella, God bless you for giving a forum for people to share their stories.
However, is there a way we can speak out concerning raising of boys? You will agree with me that boys are raised differently from the girls, and I think that is the major reason why we have these issues. We need to speak out so that the boys can be raised properly with respect, and not with pride and arrogance. Cos the boys eventually become the men, that become the wolves in sheep clothing. Selah.
i have been married for 4 years. i met my husband in the Uk, he was such a nice and lovable person. we hit if off immediately. he never raised a hand on me while we were courting, but i noticed he has a terrible temper. i had my first baby in 2011 and my second baby in 2013. i recently found out last year that my hubby loves to cheat and he likes women a lot, that is the reason he has two facebook account. one one is his real account and the other account he has only females as his friends. i managed to access his fb account and saw all his convserations with his women, i confronted him and we had a big fight, he didnt deny it, all he said was that i should be happy he married me and that even if i catch him on top of a woman that i cant do anything. that was when i knew i have many problems i cant deal with.
ReplyDeleteto cut the long story short, we visited canada on a short holiday in dec last year and we booked into a hotel, this fateful he was in the shower and his phone rang, i picked up , it was a female voice, she demanded to speak with my husband, i told her my husband is in the shower that she should call back later, she was very rude, i hung up, when my hubby came out of the shower i told him i amswered his call that i told the caller to call back. he was so angry and slapped me. i was so shocked i couldnt believe it, i fought back, we fought real hard in the hotel room that day, my nails were my weapons, i made sure i designed his face and neck well. after the fight we went out, and we started the quareel again, he parked the car somewhere and started beating me in the car, cars stopped and people were looking at us, he started the car and speed off. we got to another lonely place , he stopped again and started hitting me, i couldnt fight back and what pained me most was that the kids, my 2 and half old daughter and my 6 months old son were in the car, they were watching but i bet they didnt understand. he said he was going to kill us all today. i just couldnt believe my hubby beat me up cos of a whore. after that, i called his family and they got involved, i couldnt call my family, i was ashamed. his mother talked and also his dad, they advised me to aoplogise, " apologise for what" his father gave his the trashing of his life. anyway i aoplogised. then a day before we were to return to Uk, he beat me up again for no reason, he went out and left me and the kids in the hotel for more than 7 hours, i called and demanded to know why hes been out for long. he picked and raised curses on me me and i insulted him back.when he returned i knew he was looking for an opportunity to pick quareels i ignored him and slept. on our way to the airport to drop the car we hired, i said to him, that theres a noise this car is making, he ignored me, i said to him, didnt u hear what i said. he flared up, parked the car and gave me the beating of my life, i fought back, after that i cursed him, dont blame me i was angry and mad, he parked again and beat the hell out of me. then i said, i cant deal with this, i told him there!! its over i cant deal with this, once we get to the Uk, am leaving. i told him hes nothing but a wife beater. he just stopped the car and looked at me, and started crying !!!! he said he cant explain what happened to him, that he cant even believe he raised his hands and hit me. then i started crying , i really cried out my eyes. we both cried. cos he knows how much i adore and love him and what pained me most was this is a guy do everything for. anyways he swore he will never in his life hit me again. i forgave him. its been 6 months now and to be sincere, maybe he has changed i cant say, but i have noticed a lot of changes in him. we have not quareeled for the past six months but am not banking on that.
Hmmmmmmm. Once a man starts beating you, he can never stop. He will do it over and over and over again. Please be careful and have a plan b. I hope you are working and can stand on your own when you eventually make up your mind to leave. Its well with you. God is on the throne.
Deletei dated my first boyfriend for 12 years and we got married, but while we were courting i told him, the first day he will raise his hands on me, that day i will leave his house. to be sincere he was the most lovable person one could wish to have , but one problem, he is very possessive and jealous, and his mouth is his problem. he has mud mouth!! as in he will abuse u emotionally and call u names u cant even think of calling ur enemies.he loved me so much.
ReplyDeletewe had a misunderstanding over little nonsence, i see it as something that was not important but he insulted me, called me names, insulted my parents and eventually hit me.
you know what, the next day i packed my bags and left this house. and that was the end of the marriage.
Violence against women is a very serious issue in Nigeria. Today I was passing through ojota in a taxi and I noticed on the sidewalk a hawkers bowl of drinks drop to the ground, next thing I saw was this female hawker not older than 25 fighting with an area boy, he was hitting and pulling her shirt by the neck and she was fighting back with all her might and to my shock there were other men arnd there were even lasma officials arnd them just staring at this two pple fighting....to my amazement one of the lasma officials just walked away without a care n d world...while the others jst stared and started talking...tank goodness another woman intervened and tried pulling the area boy off this young female hawker.....as my taxi drove off i just kept wondering wat life had become...if violence against women was something which has become accepted by men in our society. God help n protect us women...
ReplyDeletehmmmmm!!! after reading about MSkay i just realized that GOD in his infinite mercy delivered me from hell which i thought could have been marriage,my ex-fiancée had almost all the characteristics of an abuser, subconsciously i just walked out of the relationship,afterwards i started feeling guilty maybe i should have stayed and endured after all the society wants to know is one is married any other thing that happens thereafter does not really matters.
ReplyDeleteSHE SENT TO MY INBOX WITH A REQUEST ASKING FOR MSKAY'S CONTACT BUT THE REPLY EMAIL I SENT HER KEPT BOUNCING BACK
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS THE EMAIL CONTENT
''Now to the issue at hand. I have been married for close to 2years with a beautiful daughter. My husband never raised his hand on me, don't think he ever will but only GOd can answer that. But, he's verbally abusive. Not that he has drained me emotionally but, he's treading the part. What do you think? I sincerely pray it doesn't degenerate. Reading ms k's diary and people's DV encounters has kind of given me more courage and stance to be very watchful. My heart goes out to all witnessing DV especially ms K. DV isn't and will never be the way. I pray I will never have cause to contact you again on this issue. Not that I'm better than those going through it but I just pray. God be with them n give them the courage to walk.
My husband tells me "I don't fucking care about you." It chills me to the bones. A lot more things he says that makes me feel belittled and inadequate and gets me thinking I'm not good enough. It hurts so much.I can't tell my family. I cant tell friends. I can tell you now because I know you will keep my identity (reason I didn't edit my name or send you my mail as anonymous) and cos of the forum and God bless you immensely for that. But trust me, he is so loving to outsiders no one will believe he talks or treat me like a house mate at times and not his wife. As at today, he hasn't touched me for 3 weeks now( 3 weeks is nothing compared to ms ks' but I believe it starts from somewhere) because we had a quarrel. If I don't talk to him, he hardly talks to me. I won't lie, I pray it doesn't degenerate cos I love him so much. I have decided to keep a diary like ms k and pour out my innermost pains. There are times I cry my eyes out till it throbs. I question the love he says he has for me. I hurt, I hurt.
Needless I say I love him to the moon and back. But the day "more" happens, I will walk for me, my kid/children and for every DV victim out there afraid to take the steps. I cried for ms K,I did. More than sad.''
@ anon 10.15 am that a lie don't give wrong advice the husband might genuinely changed, My husband hit me once first year if marriage four years and counting now he has never done it again and I am very very very sure he won't do it again....
ReplyDeleteLol @ anon 3:11 in the taxi watching the violent scene. Why didn't you come down to settle the dispute? The main problem with Nigeria is who will bell the cat. Sorry to break it to you but you are also guilty as charged for aiding and abating violence.
ReplyDeleteGod bless all the contributors here for letting us know we are not alone. No body enters a marriage with the hope of it failing. For many of us, it is a constant struggle and it would help if we had neutral unbiased people to talk to both as individuals and couples. I have tried time and time again to find good marriage counsellors that are not pastors or religion affiliated. Just basic human beings that understand good, evil and empathy and it is almost impossible to find any based in Nigeria online. Please can anyone recommend good counsellors? I believe that might help a lot in curtailing many of the issues we face.
ReplyDeletestella,pls when will new updates be available on this story,been waiting eagerly for days,to read new updates,and i must say,ms kay's story has touched me really badly
ReplyDeletewaiting anxiously to hear from Ms Kay.
ReplyDeletehave bn waiting anxiously and refreshing dis post daily for Ms Kay story
ReplyDelete