These are stories that will leave you shocked.open mouth and in tears...
I decided to open another Domestic violence diary to enable those who kept diaries during their ordeal share it here.
Please let us respect this post and know that this is coming from those who have been battered but pulled through and are sharing their experiences to help others.
You can sit back and read as this would be updated daily by ladies who choose to stay anonymous but want to share.
A lady who is going through daily beatings by her hubby wanted to contribute and share her experience but called me to say she couldnt because her spouse/abuser has told her if she contributes he will know ..............
The first post will be from MS KAY(name changed) and if you have any please give urself a code name and contribute but please avoid using anonymous so that we can know when you update a new comment.
Thank you...... hopefully this post will help someone out there make the right decisions before it is too late.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME......STOP IT
I WILL NOT BE ENABLING COMMENTS THAT ARE OUT OF TOPIC
Welcome to the life of abuse that I lived .... Welcome to THE DIARY. Read.... And learn. And feel free to ask questions. Who knows someone out there may be going through this.
ReplyDeleteToday I choose to come out... I choose to come out of that cupboard today. I have been a single mother of 4 girls since 2005.... I have lived a life of pretense .... I have worn my mask of "married" for 8 years and today .... I am taking that mask off..... I'm tired of pretending. ...... I'm tired of alluding to a 'mr' that no longer exists... A 'mr' that has gone his own way and has not looked at my side.... As in.... U know ... NO Sex for more than 10 years... So today I become who I am.... Who God made I'm a being a lovely... Bubbly .... Beautiful mum, girl, babe... That just wants to live life .... To the full.
I,m tired of stigmas... And nija is full of "us". We married but single ladies.. Who pretend that our husbands are "busy" making money.. Oh... Some say... Oh.... He's Busy at meetings... He is at Abuja... He is in London etc.... But we all de for d same boat... We r single and pretending ...we r even worse than those lesbians and gays..... At least they look the part... We .... Ish.... We look sound walk and talk married... WE ARE NOT ...
BTW... LET ME TELL U A STORY...
I know of a couple..no... We'll yes a couple. The only time the husband made love to her was anytime they needed to procreate.... Meaning.. Ur guess...they made love maybe once in 18 months..or as soon as HE feels it's time for baby no...6... And when he had enough. That was it... No sex no love nothing... And every time they go out as a couple and u know .... I used to envy them... I used to think mrs a had the best marriage in the world... Until... One day... She lost it... Why????
Let's get to another statistic .Me...My story .... Even as I type.. I'm shame personified... I mean ... How me a very intelligent lovable lady endured a marriage for 18 years with hard labour.... How I submitted , submitted and submitted till I lost all my identity.... How I was constantly slapped, flogged, belted, abused thrown out.... Beaten black and blue for 18 years and I still stayed and judiciously wore my mask of MARRIED ...EVERYDAY,,, beats even me myself.. I think I developed a dual personality... Outside to the public I'm the vibrant joyous happy head in the sky kemi special... But inside .... U know what I mean I'm the fearful, dull unintelligent, stupid...useless...incompetent mother/witch... Who can only speak when spoken to... And even then I needed to be sure an answer was REALLY NEEDED. Otherwise... Na slap + blow be that...
Outside ... I'm the entrepreneur fearless, daring bold owner of a big privately owned company. It's even laughable that outside some men say they r intimidated by me.... As in ME... EMI.... WHO...??? Is that person.
I remember at some point I dragged myself... Paid oh... To see a shrink... Of course I couldn't do that in nija... Big babe like me paying to see a shrink... That's yaba left. So I anonymously (now u see why I need to come out), dragged myself to see one in London... On the day I finally got to go for the appointment...fear no let me leave the house... + shame... How do I explain that I'm constantly beaten and treated like an incompetent 5 yr old... I'm sure the shrink too would probably think so... I mean I really do get to do stupid things....
ReplyDeleteCan u imagine one time when he dragged me to the bed naked and started a series of slaps.. Gbosa gbosa gbosa... And stupid me... Didn't keep my mouth shut I kept on fighting back and in defense I bit him on the wrist and didn't let go until my teeth fell out.... ODE... that's it. Only an ODE would do that. A wise woman.... As pastorbims would say would have just SUBMITTED.... submit you fool..... Now you lost ur teeth.... Witch.... And at that point I calmly got off the bed... At least now blood was everywhere.. And the mask came on.... Where is or are the bloody teeth ... I searched for them...oh lucky one was still in my mouth...though quite loose... But the mask is on I needed to find the other one... Try to put it back.... Damn .... What do I tell them at work tomorrow .... How do I explain this one like the others .... At least with the others...clumsy me was always falling down the stairs..... And other likewise stories..... This one ...... No make up could help so I just needed to find the tooth and quickly fix it back..... And try to smile or laugh it over, ...... Damnnnn the mask again....
Please continue ms kay.....this is so interesting to read.i am sitting on edge waiting for ur next diarypost
ReplyDelete@Anonymous; what do u mean interesting? Abeg pack well, and keep ur mouth shut, this is someone's life story its not friction. Let's try to be respectfull.
ReplyDeleteDıs ıs terrıfyıng, Ms Kay are u really sure dıs gıst ıs real? A husband could be dıs to d wıfe? And u saıd on a daıly basıs? Could ıt be true? Where were ur gırls wen all these happen?
ReplyDeleteMs Kay, am just so confused and petrified right now. Gosh! It's well. God please help us!!! #crying# cherish
ReplyDeletethere's no woman who can tell me she has never encountered one of these beasts before, they may not do it physically, but abuse u emotionally,psychologically even financially, they are beasts of no nation!
ReplyDeleted guy i wanted to marry was a serial beater, so handsome a guy but he he can punch a corpse to a pulp, i had to run for my life, it was like a thunderbolt when he saw me walking away, i ran away and i even used another man as protection, d idiot i used as protection became another beast after marriage, after one child i packed my bag again and God answered my prayers wt a very good man
pls keep running tl u get to your destination, wife beaters are destiny destroyers!
HYBunny
@HYBunny; Wow so sorry to hear about that, hmmmm men r something else ooo and we women we don see shagee. Thank God for saving your life.
DeleteHum.................sorry t disappoint u,i v neva been abused either physically,emotionally or oda wise.Eva since i started dating @18,no man had eva dared such.am 24 now wt 2kids n my hub respects me lyk a god.as young as i am,i think i knw my worth.who born d maga?
Deletepls get ur facts ryt.
Mummy amanda,ur just one lucky lass so thank ur stars and dnt come here and talk thrash about knwing ur worth,also pray well 2 cus change they say is d onli constant thng in life,I wish u a successful home.tolu
DeleteLol....wetin dey do dis mummy amanda...how old did u say u were again ...24 abeg comot for road.not all men r beasts but dont come here bragging.if urs is as good as u say he is then pray hard he stays dt way.
Delete@ Hy bunny pele o,thank God u av a gd one now.
Mummy Amanda,i'd like to read ur comment again on this issue,say in 10 years time.
DeleteLMFAO @ "I'd like to read ur comment on dis issue say in 10 years time". Really, u cudnt hv said it any better. She is jst 24 n she's bragging. Mummy Amanda, u need to be steadfast in d lord, cos its not by ur making dat tinz r rosy for now, its jst d grace of God. HY Bunny, I'm really sorry u went thru all that, guess we hv somefin in common, dis blog cannot even contain my story, lol
DeleteAh mummy Amanda right now u are blessed. U better pray and fast to remain so. Besides u are 24! This is for people with experience and not inexperienced girls who are now mothering a child
DeleteReally? Sorry if I sound naive, but were you not scared? I feel terrified just reading this...
ReplyDeleteDealing with an abusive man is very difficult. Despite this fact, abusive men and divorce do not occur together very commonly. It is because most women think that they can change their partner. In case you are one of such women, think twice. Abusive men traits can only be treated with long term therapy or counseling. But, it is so difficult to make abusive men agree to such treatment in the first place. He may cry and beg for you to return and promise to treat you right, but do not be taken in by his pleas. Consult his therapist before deciding on moving in with him. Even if you do reconcile with him, keep your eyes open.
ReplyDeleteWell I really feel for ms kay, mine was tht I was even beaten by him n his sisters. He will use his words to run me down.he hits me even not minding tht I was holding my baby, de pains was just too much for me, my body cldnt take de pains again, I was thinking too much, started losing weight n my two year old daughter was also feeling de pains. One day I just decided tht I hve had enough and I left, today am happy, he doesn't support de child cos he said he doesn't want anything to do with us but God has been faithful. Pls if u re goin thru such thing, dnt endure, dnt keep it to urself, a dead person doesn't love, better take ur kids n walk. Be alive to train ur kids n dnt allow anybody to do tht for u. God bless
ReplyDeleteYou are soooo right!. I just left my psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive husband about 2 months ago! After 13 years of trying to endure!! Better to be alive to tke care of your kids. People say its bad for children to come from a broken home. Is it good for them to live in a broken home I ask them? He has decided not to support me and the children even though he knows quite well I don't have any money. He made sure he frustrated all my efforts to work and be financially independent. By the way, he is very loaded! He would rather buy me big cars and latest phones to keep up appearances. But you know what? I had had enough! You will find people who try to discourage you from leaving but you wear the shoes and know where it hurts! Make a wise choice o, while you are still alive and able bodied!!! A word is enough for the wise. Violence is a deal breaker any day! DO NOT ACCEPT IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
DeleteStella!!! Hmmmmmm thank you for bringing up this topic........but shame dey worry me, I can't even write the bullshit I went through. Maybe I will come back later!
ReplyDelete@@@TRUST NO BITCH
You know...abuse isn't always physical....I endured emotional abuse for 5 years of childless marriage....I dated my husband for 8 years b4 I married for 5....yes there was one or two physical..but d significant abuse was emotional....by the time I was able to summon up d courage to walk out of the marriage....I had little or no self esteem left.... I thank God that 6 years later...I have completed my Masters in Uk ...moved to CAnada...working as a occupational therapist...and I got re-married to the man who I believe God made for me....are my wounds healed.?..almost but I am the happiest I have ever been....
ReplyDeleteYou see some marriages are not worth fighting for..I thank God that I quickly realized that and able to fight for life and happiness for myself...
Ladies..love yourself first....
Kudos Stella for starting this journal for domestic violence....
Most men do it because they know they can get away with it. Our laws are mostly observed in its breach. The law of bigamy existed in our codes and yet non was ever convicted for philandering and breaking the marital vows. Our society frowns at divorce and women are stigmatised for having the audacity to pull out of an abusive marriage. Most often , even the girl's parents encourages her to endure an abusive husband and cases of domestic violence are hardly reported until death becomes the consequence. If a man slaps u once, he will do it again so these tendencies should never be overlooked during courtships. Most often the tell tale signs are usually there during courtship , but most women rationalise the wickedness and often mistake the rage as signs of love. Until women starts reporting Cases of domestic violence and our law strengthened to deal with this beast, lots of women would remain physically and emotionally abused. Women groups should also keep up with the enlightenment campaign as most of our women are not aware of their rights
ReplyDeleteDon Tee
Wow.
ReplyDeleteMs Kay, you must have really gone through some nasty shit. But I keep wondering why you remained there, taking the punishment. Finance was not your problem, like it is for a lot of women in abusive relationships.
Thank God you are out of all that now. I wish there are more avenues for victims to share their experience with young women.
@HY Bunny, at the risk of sounding immodest, I have never been abused physically, emotionally, financially etc by a man. I'm married with 3 kids. There are a lot of other women like that too.If you don't have the statistics to back your claims, do not make such wild assumptions.
Ada says,
DeleteI don't think HY meant that all women have been beaten by men they've been in relationships with. We have all encountered abuse be it physical or emotional by a man. It could be your dad beating you as a child or that boyfriend that saw you as an ATM or that male friend that you got too close to and got burned. The point is, it has dangerously became the norm for females to be mistreated. It has become acceptable for women to take whatever nonsense we're dealt for fear of being ill-labelled, usually by our fellow women. My husband was never violent towards me. But after we got married he informed me that he had no intention of earning and providing because according to him my family had money and I was doing well in business when he met me. I supported him financially until I could no longer afford it. Then he managed to turn his family against me. He became very sneaky and very distant. Then he convinced his sister to give him money to pay his rent. That was the beginning of the end. Let's just say it became very clear that his investment in our marriage was only as a result of me providing. The last time I saw or heard from him his brother was trying to attack me physically while his older sister was trying to push me down the stairs and out of the house. My father in law was present in all this. That was 5 months ago. He has been shacked up with his ex since. Living off things that I provided. I've told his family that I want out of the marriage. They're stalling but I've moved on. I'd rather be single than live a false life.
I have been reading a lot on different blogs about domestic violence and I think is time I opened up a BIT!
ReplyDeleteDated my hubby for about three years and he never showed any signs to me till I fully entered his house. He was the best thing that ever happened to me.
It all started with a slap and progressed to a greater height. Did he cry and apologised the first time...yes
I didn't see him doing it again but I guess I was naĂŻve.
Today we live under same roof, no sex, no communication.
I have practiced all that I have read from blogs and books and even advices but nothing seem to work.he even told me sometime that shei I have been praying and God never answer me. I really don't know where to start from cos I have been physically and emotional abused.
It not easy dealing with an abusive spouse. He capitalizes on me not working and not having anywhere to run to. My parents are not in support of me coming home ofcourse they are concerned abt there image than me been alive.
Am still under his roof but am strategising on how to move. Is not a one day plan. I don't ve to make mistake cos he has even told me I won't have custody of the children if anything happens.
I have to be financially stable to an extent to be able to move on. I pray God sees me thru
May God help you, why don't you travel out with your kids secretly? Process your papers secretly if you can afford it, and fly out, out go to another state, once you get enough money. Men that abuse women are insecure bastards, and even their family members support them( my mum went through the same).. So the best thing to do is concentrate on yourself for a while, save like the world will end tomorrow, act like a fool to your husband, then when you fell you are ready RUN!!!..
Delete@ YOYO...1. Get urself a JOB! Be it business or working for some1!
DeleteOnce you get your mind off him! Concentrating your mind on your JOB and Kids..it becomes a little bit Easier.
2. Donot receive an from "holier than..." Peeps.. Expose him! Sometimes, Men don't want you talking...am sure he's got 1 or 2 peeps he respects A LOT!!!!! U NEED TO TALK... If it means running to your parent's house...so be it!! Be BOLD!!!! Someone women will yarn rubbish..that a woman, who packs her things out of her husband's house is risking DIVORCE!! So be it.. If you DIE...Otitan ooo!
Men get away, cos they know you won't LEAVE!!!!.. Don't bother telling his folks if they are gonna be " pls bear with him".. I stabbed my Husband once(not PROUD of it) but it sent a serious message to his parents... Esp his MUM.. LEAVE without telling NO1... It worked for me...with your KIDS oooo! If he really cared, he would def look for you.. If Not... Move on..
Better you being alive than DEAD..emotionally, physically oooo!
The begging and crying of the abuser was always the worse,mine back then,after inflicting his wickedness on me,hitting me with any object or blowing and slapping me or after even cutting my hair or threatening to deface me so as to make me ugly,so no other man would marry thereby making me stuck to him for life,he would now start begging and crying that I shouldn't tell any one or leave him. At times he threatens to stab himself or hang himself if I talk or run away he goes to the extent of tying the rope to a fan and standing on a stool,the guy was just a lunatic and a psychopath,he constantly preys on my fear,I would now be the one to start begging him not to kill himself,why?have seen him been dared or threatened and he actually carried out the act,naĂŻve me if I had known I would have just left him to hang himself,but on the other hand I never wanted to have someone's death on my neck,alakoba alakoba koba mama koba mi oooo,i.e the *implicator do not implicate me =))Âş°˚˚˚°ÂşĐ˝aĦaĐ˝aÂş°˚˚˚°Âş=)) some of these abusers are wastrels it does not have to be in career or finances but psychologically they are wastrels and they are always seeking for women whom they can totally strip of their self esteem. Like I said earlier in the 2nd DV post by stella,do not give an abuser the inkling you wanna leave him,do not argue with him if he starts with his rantings and rabid dog displays,just bear it when he's hitting you do not fight back just protect your face and vital parts of your body when he's hitting and afterwards apologise,meanwhile you are strategising your exit,do not even let him smell that you want to leave him,no tooooo hapi say u wan leave make the lunatic kno go find out ooo ehn ehn!!do not tell a soul at allllllll that you want to leave only a trusted family who empathises with you. Let the rabid dog of an abuser come back and not meet u or find your traces and that of his kids again!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm a single lady,I dated this guy 2 yrs ago,handsome,intelligent,has a very very bright future ahead of him andd a very good family,but he is very tempramental,he calls me all sorts of names wen we have misunderstandings,like harlot,bitch,stupid girl,and anytime I dnt pick his calls or bb msg on time he assumes I'm wit anoda man.tho he neva raised his hands on me,and I tot if I shld get married to him,he will definately be a wife beater,I had to take a walk.but 2yrs now he is still begging me to marry him.I no fit see fire make I go put my hand OÂş°˚˚°Âş
ReplyDeleteLet me start from the beginning.... It was a very brief but intense relationship... He did everything right... Was loving was respectful..... Charmed the socks off everybody and till today will tell everyone 'I love my wife' and so it started... The first time was in London... We had gone shopping for our wedding.. And then came the choice of wedding rings.... We argued over it... We had budgeted about £250 for our rings... Suddenly he insisted on us buying a £25 set of rings.... And I just didn't get it bc we both had a common purse for such things... In anger he gave me a resounding slap on the streets of London and walked off.... I was dazed.... Walked a few miles without realizing it and ended up at my chief brides maids place. Told her and in her analytical way of doing things asked me to cancel the wedding.... I thought of the BIG PARTY my parents had planned, THE INVITATIONS that had gone out THE BIG introduction (over 1000) came for that alone and just couldn't 'SHAME' my parents.... he came back later that night wept profusely and begged me and asked me to forgive him that it will never happen again.....I DID
ReplyDeleteLesson one: Most abusers will at some point before the wedding exhibit the trait... It could be a hint, it could be a big fight .... But they will SHOW COLOUR.... Please note. I generally advise ladies to try and instigate a quarrel and see how HE reacts... Even then some will hide themselves... If its a young relationship, i generally will ask you to break it off. Why.... Once the beating starts.......IT DOES NOT STOP.
But abusers are extremely predictive and all over the world no matter how late or early into the relationship, they will exhibit set pattern and traits.... And I too have mastered them,
A mutual friend of ours called me up and asked my why HE always put me down in front of people... She observed that when we all parley and have all those 'problem with Naija' arguments all HE does is to put me down... And keep saying that I don't know anything....
NOTE 1. An abuser treats everything as a battle..... And they must win.
This is the 1st time am commenting on this blog, I have seen women go through emotional and physical abuse and there are some marriages that even ur In laws add to the abuse.my 1st point is this the signs are always there,mothers train your female children to have self worth and realise they are little princess,my dad calls my younger sisters and I queens even till date,most kids do not find love at home,therefore any sign of love shown by an outsider becomes special you can't filter it cus it's strange to you,I found out early enough that if any man touches me my dad will kill him,it helped,u know I had this p,atomic relationship during my search for admission,he's a son of a well known so called big man,I did not know his mum gets panelled by his dad until he slapped me infront of my house,we got him arrested as big and biggerly as they were he was locked up,his mum said that's how his father does but she faced me and said am sure you provoked him,lol,I think she enjoys the slap
ReplyDeleteDomestic violence has been on the increase nowadays as aggrieved lovers have been pouring acid on their estranged partners.
ReplyDeleteIn March 2010, Oluwatoyin Safiu Morufu, from Oyo State, was reportedly bathed with acid by his wife of over 16 years, Uloma Beatrice, from Abia State.
In 2011, a suspect, Samson Igbinomewahin, 47, was arraigned at an Ebute Metta Chief Magistrate‘s Court, Lagos, for allegedly pouring acid on his wife, Mrs. Susan Jeremiah, 31.
Also, a 35-year-old man, Ndubisi Okoro in 2011 allegedly bathed his wife, Anthonia, with acid. He was arraigned before an Apapa Magistrate’s Court in Lagos, charged with attempted murder.
In November 10, 2012, a jilted man in Ikotun, an outskirt of Lagos, bathed his wife with acid. Men of Ikotun Police Division immediately arrested him. The list keeps rising everyday as acid bath has become a weapon of revenge.
Stella this is the first blog of yours that has me transfixed. My heart is in my mouth. I am single, 24, not in a relationship presently but im amazed at what women have gone through in this age and time and are still going through SILENTLY. I am crying in my office rite now. Please no one deserves to be treated like an animal,PLEASE FIND A WAY OUT. To the single ladies pls be wise. it is better to be a living single lady than a dead married woman. YOU DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED. LET NO ONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right! Like you I'm 24, my last relationship which was my first serious one was just horrible, it ended in 2010! I've not dated anyone since,my main focus now is building a career for myself and growing my business I recently started, I was treated like a doormat, now this ex that treated me badly now wants to come back after he had his epiphany...no going to happen! I'm in a happy place now, loving myself and my life before anyone else...the things we women go through ehn! It is well oh.
DeletePlease.....am sorry ooo but please can they start making selling of acid illegal except u have a license to work with it....This acid story fear me pass for everything....
ReplyDeleteHmmmm will share a story in a bit about DV once I settle down at work.....
To all ny ladies going through this wicked act....The Lord is our strength is all I can say.....
One love
Hey Stella, I wanted to let you know yu've just earned my respect.
ReplyDeleteWe have a long way to go to get men to respect and VALUE women. Violence against women should never be tolerated.
We must continue to speak so our voices may be heard.
Kudos to you.
Damn! I am literally shaking in my shoes, to think that one can endure such is beyond imagination! Ms Kay let me ask you, is your life worth your marriage? Do you want him to kill you? I weep for you & yet I don't know you, if you are my sister, I swear I will arrange for your husband to be dealt with! Why oh why do we do this to ourselves? Its for better or worse not for better for death please (Oh & before anybody tells me to wait until I get married, I am married)
ReplyDeleteMy sister's husband is such a man, he was swindled of his millions by his cousin who he did business with & he changed into a bitter man, he got abusive, insults & psychological abuse & my sister dished it back to him. when he saw that wasn't affecting her, it turned physical. On day when she was 7months pregnant, he descended on her, know what she did? (one of the few times he got physical) she grabbed a wine bottle & held her ground ( she is tall & big & it worked in her favour standing against a 6ft+ angry man) He saw the dead look in her eyes, a woman willing to fight for her life & her unborn baby boy & had a second thought. After all said & done he has calmed down, changed & is now a loving man. He always said that that look in her eyes changed him, why? cos he saw A WOMAN WHO WAS NOT WILLING TO BE A VICTIM.
I have a family friend who is presently in the court with her husband after she filled for divorce after 15yrs of marriage. Her husband is a bloody mother fucker! she has suffered broken bones, a broken arm that looks twisted, a misshapen nose, & her left eye is badly damaged. She woke up one morning, took a look at her 6yr old son & the fact that her husband will turn her into a corpse & left the house.
Ms Kay don't let your husband make your children motherless, are they aware of the abuse you are passing through? coz if you are my mother, I will teach my father how to treat a woman! Do not be a statistic please, cos that man will marry another woman even before you are laid to rest...I pray that God will give you the strength to fight for your life. I am praying for you
Your sister's husband will transfer that agression to other weaker females- his daughter, maid etc. The fact that he cannot beat his wife out of fear will be very embarrasing to him
DeleteYour sister's husband will transfer that agression to other weaker females- his daughter, maid etc. The fact that he cannot beat his wife out of fear will be very embarrasing to him
DeleteI feel like crying for the stories i'm reading, I pray for everyone going through this, that God will give them the grace, strength and resources to pull out of it alive.
ReplyDeletewow, wow, am still in shock, dont know what to say really.am sorry ms kay and other abused women who had the courage to say so, please and please, leave that marriage, its not worth your life.
ReplyDeleteOh my God Ms Kay ! I identify with your words
ReplyDelete" Most abusers will at some point before the wedding exhibit the trait... It could be a hint, it could be a big fight .... But they will SHOW COLOUR...."
the guy I was to get married to initially, gave me a dirty slap all because he needed me to use my dad's connection to get him an oil company job and I told him to be patient. he was always extorting me all in the name of love.
My mum had always warned me, "the day a man raises his hand on you, he will never stop. just calmly walk away and never look back."
that was exactly what I did. everybody kept saying "I cant believe you guys didn't get married afterall"
I no send o! my happiness first!
Before I got married, I pushed my hubby just to stretch his patience and he passed my test.
Today I am a happier person married to a wonderful man.
I pray you are healed in and out. your story is so touching. am so in tears for you.
#HUGS#
13/01/87
ReplyDeleteBy the time we got married, we started our bitter sweet relationship. I learnt to understand and know his likes and dislikes.... (Sometimes his likes will suddenly become dislike and vice versa).... And like a school girl I learnt to know what trips him off and what not....he loved his pounded yam POUNDED...(by me)... Hated most of my friends.... So I devised ways of them not visiting (when they did visit he was the best husband.... Showing off, tellin them the last money he gave me... Etc) didn't like my FAMily... According to him we are all spoilt... Liked my hair a particular way ONLY ....ALL THE TIME.... Generally had an exactness that I dared not question....
I remember the first major beating....funny enough I can't really remember what I did... I was by then about 5 months pregnant....and just as suddenly as the quarrel started it quickly escalated and this time he went further... After slaps and kicks all aimed at my face, tummy etc, he just went into a rage and started punching me time I found the first exit and ran out of the house....or was he the one that just slammed the door and left me ......my face swells up quickly..... At least I now knw that...so I just took a walk.... As always to the lagoon front ... I dont know how I got there.. Or when .. But the lagoon front always waited for me.. And it was there that I felt the first set of cramps....labour..... At 5 months....was I afraid..... No.....msomething else had taken over... An inner strength just came over me... And I walked again from lagoon front to my aunt at Akoka.... She took one look at me and rushed me to the hospital......I was in premature labour.... Everyone came to the hospital .... My parents ...my friends...etc.... My parents asked the dr to do everything possible to save me and the baby..... I was in an induced sleep state...all dream like...but quite calm and serene.... A very good place to be.....I felt safe...then amidst all the chaos ...HE rushes to my side .... Pretending to kiss me... And then whispers....
PLEASE DON'T TELL A SOUL THAT I BEAT YOU......
yes.... I kept quiet........
Lesson 2
Abused women NEVER talk ...
They HIDE.....the scars....the deep hurt...the depth they have sunk.... The low esteem ....the fact that they were once STRONG women.....
WHY....?
The abuser is usually so charming, popular and well loved by everybody.... They are the charmers....the philanthropists....the givers....so no one will believe you +
they SHOW so much love OPENLY to you in public, people will always assume that you must be the one giving such a 'lovely' man wahala at home. Some will even call you an "alaseju"
The underlying threat ......when you finally open up and talk they know that at best your people and his people will settle the quarrel.... At most they will ask him to apologize and also ask you to go and exercise more patient and be more tolerant.....blah blah .... But then you go back home to him...... And then that's a new beginning..... Maybe he stops the physical and promoted himself to the emotional and psychological abuse...believe me... These next levels are not pleasant..
3/12/00
ReplyDeleteLAGOON FRONT
what is this life all about anyway...... It's easy for some......difficult for some.... Either way for others..... Where will it all end anyway.... 6 feet.... That's all, ad when I'm gone what will be my achievements.... I struggled, tried it all...... All I have ever done is TRY TO PLEASE SOMEONE, in the end while pleasing and pleasing and striving to be the best wife, I have lost it all.
Who am I ...... My old self that I knew..........carefree, loving, fun loving, trusting.... All lost... All gone... It's never been the same since that November month so many years ago.
All I know lord is that you are still my best friend... I just can't seem to find any other friend... I have searched all these years amongst my friends, my husband, my parents.... None yet Lord, except You.....and my girls. With you I am not afraid..... You do not bear me.... My dad started it all..... I thought I had escaped all those years of abuse... And then from one trap I entered another one... Worse than the first.....
Nag nag nag.... Beat beat beat.... Slaps abuses curses....from one trap I entered into a life long one.... I live each year hoping that it will end.... That maybe if I try harder I will be a better wife.... Through it all ...I have lost myself and the years are passing by......
I'm still waiting to hear from you O Lord... You said you will tell me when it's time to move on..... When Lord... I'm falling more and more into the trap... I'm enslaved as it is..... Help me to regain my focus O Lord..... Help me to rediscover myself Lord...... The confident bold intelligent Kay... Who still thinks that the sky is the limit. I still want to touch the stars... I know my capabilities.... Help me to rediscover myself and Lord.., please be my best friend.....still
If I loose everything, I don't want to loose you.
Hold me cuddle me.... Talk to me.... Listen when no one listens..... Comfort and wipe my tears... Help me to forget all the abuse I have gone through....
Help me to rediscover my self.
When young ladies meet a true gentleman that wont ever raise his hand, they will say the man is too 'SU', too cool for their liking! When they meet the fast and the going guy, they say , yes, this guy is 'charming' and 'macho'. They see all the traits of violence but decides to ignore, particularly when he has some bucks.
ReplyDeleteA good number of ladies prefer the man with some traits of violence, and they see that even while in courtship, and just keep hoping that he will cool down someday! Unfortunately, it never happens. In fact, he gets worse.
Why then come out after seven years to complain about the man you chose?
Young, unmarried reader, are you not already dating the same somewhat violent guy? You like it 'hot' but remember it can get pretty hot along the line. Be wise.
Those with the SU look are even worse like my husband perfect gentleman outside but someone else inside.am bidding my time..soon,very soon.
DeleteD ignorant anonymous @ 1:17pm....
ReplyDeleteYou think a potential abuser will write it on his forehead....most of these men fall under your "true gentleman" description....at the begining....
Abeg....there are so much stories of abuse perpetrated by some men in church....so SU or not....it's the grace of God....
Ada says,
ReplyDeleteMy husband's brother is a beast who beats his wife in private and in public. He has even attacked me in the prescence of my soon to be ex husband #dancing etighi#. He has forced her to have 4 abortions and to quit her job. A few years ago he got her to steal money from the bank she worked for to fund his business. He then proceeded to spend lavishly on women outside. She took all this because of the kids. So the violence continues and now he wants to marry his ex who just crawled out of nowhere. His sisters and his mum are his main supporters. I recall once when she went to complain to them about him. He had beaten her and tossed her property out into a gutter outside their house. These disgusting, evil, ill bred, scum of the earth females demanded to know why she wouldn't keep such a thing secret! They did the same when I complained about my soon to be ex husband's #dancing etighi# lazy ass. Ladies, stop living your lives for others. Even those who have kids. Don't stay in a futureless marriage because of your kids. You're perpetuting a culture in them. Your sons will grow up to emulate their dads and your daughters will become punching bags like you.
Talking of Domestic violence. A family friend's daughter who is a year older than myself got married briefly six years ago. I will tell you why I said briefly. We were all happy for her, untill the traditional marriage was fixed. On the day of the T. Marriage, there was naira rain during the couple dance. Then in the evening when the ceremony was over, traditionally she has to follow the husband home. On their way home, her husband asked her where the money that was generated during their dance was. She politely answered that it was with her in a safe place. But her husband insisted that the money be handed to him
ReplyDeletestella dimoko you are really a God sent,where have u been hiding all these while.see comments people sharing their struggles and pains.thank you for very much.go to churches mostly single ladies bcos of societal pressure to get married and those still married wont come out bcos theres none available but in all our lives matters alot and we should stop bad mouthing single ladies ,anytime there is post on genevieve nnaji,rita dominic,bimbo akintola,etc watch people's comment abt old cargies and we re here asking God for mercy ,lets pity ourselves first
ReplyDeleteThat the money be handed over to him immediately. She didn't want to hand over the money in the car because also in the car with them was the husband's brother and a friend. She diplomatically told him to wait till they reach home. This infuriated her husband and the next thing she saw was her head gear flying through the window and series of punches landing on her head, face and neck. The only thing she could remenber saying was please stop the car am dying. Luckily for her, they were still within the L.G.A of her origin. The car was stopped, and her husband's brother and his friend tried to plead and make peace but she had had enough. She stopped
ReplyDeleteShe came down from the car leaving her luggages behind, took a bike(okada) back to her father's house. That was the end of the marriage. It took her several months to be able to open up on the abusive relationship she had been into. She said ever since she met the guy she had been beaten not less than 12 times, that she had been enduring because she loved him and wanted to get married because her mates were already married. Also, she thought she would change him.
ReplyDeletethat man is a gold digger and he no even relax small make them reach house,na wa ooo,please ladies be prayerful don rush into marriage bcos of these paparazi wey ur frnds dey display up and down.its not how long its how well.STACO STELLA GOD BLESS YOU
ReplyDeleteNot all women encounter this beatings.
ReplyDeleteI'm sooooooooo learning from this post. Thumbs up Sterra.
ReplyDeleteU??????? Married????? With Kids?????? #lipsealed#
ReplyDeleteLol. Who? Y na?
DeleteCan someone please help me with Stella's email. My boyfrd keeps threatening me of seizing my phone and even stop me from social network if we marry, change my sim and all sort. Am getting tired of this relationship day by day.
ReplyDeleteif you are tired of the relationship, pls let your bf know
DeletePls let him know you are tired if you really are.
DeleteOH MY GOD........ Am crying sooooooooooo much..... Wish I could just hug u right now.....
ReplyDeleteHmmmm!I grew up in a home where my dad used to beat my mom!I always swore it would not happen to me.I kept asking y my mom stayed and she said it was because of us.cos of all this chaos in d house,I met my hubby who is very quiet and pretended to love me.even when my father said no to the union I had a face off with him.I lost my job after I got married and since den its been hell!he's so stingy to a fault and his parents support him!I started a business with 5000 naira and today I give God d glory.the beatings started when he said he had a dream in which I was talking to a man and he was calling me and I did nt answer.he accused me of sleeping wiv his friend and my neighbour.he has beaten to me to d state of he really does nt care anymore!I have started my exit plans,I pray all works out well.I have turned into a senior MUMU at home.but wen I tink of my exit plans,inwardly am glad and happy,my official countdown has started
ReplyDeleteIt's not always so easy to walk away but however hard it might be,it's still the best decision a woman in an abusive relationship can take.I enjoin women to build up ur their confidence,be financially independent,open about their problems only to the people that can help,begin to think about themselves and their kids more,and lastly prayerful,bearing in mind that God will not come down and physically get you out of your life threatening situation.
ReplyDeleteI have someone close to me that's in this situation and several times she's moved out of her matrimonial home after the beatings,emotional abuse and all,only to move back after the begging.But little can be done to help such a person except advice and it's left to the person concerned to heed to the advice.
Stella, God bless you for bringing up this topic. So many women are going through domestic violence but are too ashamed to talk about it. My husband has beaten me about 5 times in our 17 years of marriage (blows, kicks, slaps, belt).
ReplyDeleteThe last time he tried it (about 5 years ago), my eldest daughter told him, the next time he lays a finger on me, she would make sure I leave with all of them (the kids).
That was the last time he ever laid a finger on me. I think the shame that a child could say that to him really affected him. I think he realised that enough was enough and the thought of him losing his entire family was too much to bear.
My uncle and brother called him the “husband” type when they met him. He was (and still is) quiet around others. Another one of my uncles refers to him as a “the pastor” because of his demeanor. We got married a year after we met and I became pregnant immediately. I don’t remember what led to the first fight but it was shortly after the wedding/pregnancy during the fight, he kicked me in the stomach and I ended up in the emergency. I was so scared; I thought I was going to lose the baby. I called the cops and he was arrested.
ReplyDeleteThe next time we fought, called the cops on me and I was arrested. The next time he called the cops on me, I did not even do anything wrong, but I was arrested because he called. Mind you, I was about 7 months at this time. I was so physically and emotionally drained that I went into pre-term labor and the cops had to take me to the emergency instead of the police station. Both times he had me arrested; he cried and told my people it was the devil. He called the cops because he was afraid if he did not, I would.
I made the greatest mistake of telling him I never wanted to be divorced in my life.
After he realized that I was not going to stand by while he physically abused me, he graduated to emotional abuse.
I have lost count of how times he told me (during the first few years of marriage) that he was going to leave me. “You don’t give me enough sex; I’m doing to leave you.” “you sign the paper to get a loan; I’ll leave you.” “you don’t let me sleep with your friend; I’ll leave you.” Yes! He wanted to sleep with my friends, and he wanted me to procure them for him. Stupid me so he wouldn’t leave me, I made one such arrangement. In our house, in our guest room, while I was taking care of the babies.
After a while I was filled with so much hatred for him, I got depressed. He had said so many things to me and about me that I felt so little. The saddest part is everyone thinks he’s just the best person ever. I got tired. I found a job in another state and moved. I came back later for the kids after I settled.
After listening to so many people, I moved back in, less than a year. He changed some. Now the kids are a little older. He found a new way to hurt me. I found out from my sister that he has a habit of calling the kids together and telling them bad things about me when I'm not home. My voice is loud. He would say stuff like “you’re a bad mother” and I would go ballistic and start screaming. The kids don’t see him dish out his stuff but the whole world hears when I reply. He knows just the right button to push.
I hate him. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. BUT I STILL LIVE WITH HIM. He has refused to leave and I can’t just get up and leave because the house is mine. I don’t want to do anything drastic to kick him out because I don’t want my children to hate me. They love their father.
Hmmm!!!**cryn softly** Was in ds type of rltnshp 4 4 solid yrs!!! I J̲̥̅̊u̶̲̥̅̊s̶̲̥̅̊t̲̥̅̊ 10Q God e didn't v d mind of pourin acid on me! D 1st e slapd me, I was 2 shocked 2 cry bor e cried instead!funny right? E was J̲̥̅̊u̶̲̥̅̊s̶̲̥̅̊t̲̥̅̊ 2 jealous dat even if my younger hugs me ouy of exitement, e gets angry n it shows! E graduated into giving me punch slaps**lafs** slaps dat brings out blood frm my mouth!!! Geez, so I stil stayed cos afterwrds, e buys me anytin moni can purchase... I only stayed cos I luved hm so much dou!!! E doesn't lik using condoms so I got pregnant which e said shld b abortd....
DeleteGot pregnant again after 6mnts n wen I tld hm, e beat d hell out of me!!! L8r persuaded me n I accepted 2 v an abortn which almost tuk my lyf!!! I no God has 4given me... It went further dat each tym I go out, its eida I v gon 2 seee a man or do somtin dat doesn't go well wiv hm n e wld beat shege outta me**crying** sori, we were nt live in lovers bor nxt door neibors!!! Each tym I say I wld leave, e wld brk bottles on d floor n starts walkin on it... Wen I start seein blood, I usually ja!!! E wkd den com bak n apologise...there was a day e saw me in d company of an friend, e ran upstairs n I followed him immediately, wen wen we got into hs apartmnt, e tuk a blade n started tearin hs tummy!!! Immediately I saw it, I pick race!!! We l8r settled again! Wen I got into d university, e wld practically visit evrydy inorder inorder 2 police me...e was den transfered to Abuja**u wld say w0k God abi? No way!!! Weneva e cals n I don't pick, mayb due 2 lectures or siesta or somtin cos I didn't v d liver 2 cheat..b4 I get 2 cal bak, ds guy wld v bn in lagos Âş°˚ !!! It hapind lik dat until 1dy wen a friend of mine came visitin n I was supposed 2 attend a vigil which I cudnt tel hm
Delete@egotamobus: you need to stop letting him get a reaction out of you. I know someone whom the same exact thing happens to and I told her the same thing. Whenever he does things to push your button, count to ten before you reply and ask yourself if he's pushing your buttons. Also learn to walk away. It's difficult, but you can do it.
Delete@egotamobus: believe me your kids know not a bad mother.
DeleteHmm, this is sad. A lot of women go through this everyday and i think its high time we speak out. Stella i love your diary on Domestic violence and i hope a lot of women will respond to this.
ReplyDeleteRecently, i created a blog "speakoutnaijawomen.blogspot.com". It is a blog centered on Sexual and domestic violence on women and the idea is for women to share their story, so other women can learn from their experiences.
Together we can put an end to this.
Chinwe says:
ReplyDeleteI appreciate ds topic so much. I'm wat u call lover girl. I met ds hunk of a guy who I blvd loved me so much and I loved him dearly. He has everything a woman wants. Brilliant. Good job. And well placed than I am. But d problem is dat he has complex. Growing up in d village didn't help at all. He feels bc of my background, I'm better than him. I tried as much as I cld to make him comfortable around me and my family. He just cldnt. Rather he feels more at home with razz girls dat he dates. To some, he confessed and some he denied. Caught him severally while we were still dating. He slapped me on two different occasions while we were still dating. Society of course always add to dse problems. I went ahead to marry him. My peeps, it was so bad! Physical and emotional torture. I endured a lot. Yet I hid it all. Eventually, packed out wen d whole thing got to threats to my life. I thank God today who compensated me with d most caring man on earth. Second time lucky they say. Sisters, don't die in silence. Speak out please! U might just save ur life!
Awful stories,
ReplyDeletei can easily be described as confident, easy going intelligent, i was pretty , a lawyer and no one could take away wit and charm from describing me. i had dated a guy on and off and for over two years and though we quarreled for the silliest reasons there was never ever any form of abuse, physical or mental, He was my best friend, but i think i took him for granted, so we broke up but he would playfully tell me he would wait for me, no matter what and we would get married. I always laughed and told him lai lai!
so i met another guy, not my normal type, because he was short and stocky. Yup i was into looks o.
i went ahead and started the long distance relationship. He lived in abuja and for some reason he thought all lagos girls that liked to party and watch movies and go out were promiscuous, so he forbade me to go out. -Dee
At first i submitted, i was getting 'old' so i wanted to learn the art of subservience as i wanted to ensure this was my last time on the dating scene and finally be married.
ReplyDeleteThen i got restless and at first started dodging, but when i realised that we shared enough friends in lagos who could see me out and tell him, i decided not to hide it and just carry on with my social life and restricted it to hanging out and movies to beat traffic and chilling in my friends' houses as against going to bars.
Then the mental torture and abuse started for real. i He would call me all sorts of horrible names, call me and my single friends old women who dont want to settle down. sometimes call us prostitutes. oh he was creative with the name calling. i found myself feeling inadequate and my confidence waning.
Most weekends i'd fly into abuja( on my bill) just to make it work and When i went out with him and he saw me talking to any one else, he would be cold and quiet and if i spoke to him, he would snap.
Dee
One day we went for his friend's party and when one of his friends talked to me all of 10 mins, he went into a jealous rage, poured the drink on the guy's head and stormed off, i apologised, chased after him and i jumped into the car, he sped off, going over speed bumps, screaming and shouting, abusing me, punching his windscreen, banging on the steering. All the red flags went up and i was very very angry and i was crying. i dont know where i got the strength from but i calmly told him to stop the car or i would make sure he regrets ever meeting me ( i frankly dont even know what i meant) but that one line got him to slow down and look at me . We got home in one piece. i slept in the palour and fled to lagos early the next morning. we continued long distance, the abuses continued, i tried to be his model girlfriend, failed woefully and gradually decided i was a failure.After one last disrespectful reception when i went for the weekend to abuja, i got back to lagos knowing it was the last time, i didnt call him for over a month, neither did he. One morning, i woke, and got my mojo back. I called him, gave him some proper polite insults, told him off well well and made him realise i was too good to him.
ReplyDeleteHe called several times after then, apologising and telling me i didnt understand him.
-Dee
Well, i didnt budge, reunited with my ex in lag and i am happily happily married to my besto.
ReplyDeleteHe told me then when he heard that i was about to marry that oh lagos boys when they are tired of playing, 'they look around and whoever they see is available they marry' That was his failed attempt to again abuse me, but i laughed at him, and told him i had been dating the guy way before him and infact i used to hang with him when we were dating. He was angry and i laughed, wondering why i didnt play mind games with him all the while.
i'm glad i woke up ontime, because i am sure it would have progressed to the physical. The guy was intent on demeaning me and making me feel like a loser cos i was desperate to marry and please him, my family and society.
Ladies: Married and single, no man is worth your self respect. Those of us with children should teach our children, self confidence (not arrogance) and independence on time. Let them understand who they are and whose they are. And most of all ladies, reach out Because if i didnt have true friends including my now husband who had my back, if i didnt recognise that they were just as important in my life and remember my achievements and where i was headed. i would have been a very unhappy woman. it's never too late till you are dead, so please leave an abusive relationship regardless of how many years you have endured.... Dee
egotamobus ur story is really bad, abt u shouting and him being d good one ,that man is a devil.learn to control ur temper put it in prayers bcos ur kids are watching coupled with their dad's comments about u.it is well oo ,its not easy at all
ReplyDeleteAm really scared now, my husband to be is canada based , I saw him 4 years ago, we don't fight , we chats almst everyday, we are abt getting married, with all the stories am hearing abt domestic violence, am now scared , hope I am not making d wrong decision , won't he become a Bad person , becos of our long courtship , pls I need an advice
ReplyDeleteE left my hostel @ 10pm... I left 4 service bor 4got my fone in d hostl!!! I l8r got 2 no dat e had cald me bor my friend picked n said I had gone 2 d church... Wen I got bak by 5:30, e was already in my room cryin n shakin!!! I don nowatin next n b4 I cld say am sori, e J̲̥̅̊u̶̲̥̅̊s̶̲̥̅̊t̲̥̅̊ rake me n started punchin me wit my friend screamin ha lyf out!!! D nxt tin was 4 hm 2 want to pick my cuttin comb frm d window cos e was ontop of me...e picked it n wanted 2 stab my eye bor my survival instinct came in n I pushe dhim wiv force n ran away!!!e started chasin me n sayn" baby am sori"**lol**...my friend had 2 cal my mum who didn't waste tym in bn in my hostl!!! My mum said n I quote" if ds guy doesn't kill U̶̲̥̅̊, den U̶̲̥̅̊ wil kil him". E l8r bagged n tld my mum dat we shud go 2 court n get marid n his mind wld b @rst!!! Dat its jealousy dat s driving him crazy cos e doesn't want 2 loose me 2 any man! We went on lik dat whyl I was plotin on ao 2 leave hm. Den I met anoda guy who hapuns 2 b my baby's exact opposite n 10Q God, I v bn married 2 hm 4 4yrs nw!!! Though we do nt v kids cos my recent hHSG results says my womb needs 2 openened a bit cos it has stuck 2geda due 2 d previous abortns I had!!!10k God I left dat guy cos mayb I wudnt b alive 2dy 2 no abt stella's blog**sad face** my hubby is d best tin dat can hapin 2 any woman on earth n dats d truth!!! E doesn't want any woman around him 2 cry! E treats al women d same way!!! E s such a Godsent!
ReplyDeleteBaby please if you are going to continue narrating your experience, it would be nice if you make an attempt to write in a form that will be easy to read. Your abbreviations and writing characters are not appropriate for the seriousness of this topic. They can actually put one off and I had to force myself to read and comprehend what you wrote.
ReplyDeleteLadies, b U̶̲̥̅̊ single or marid, run away frm any rltnshp dat mks U̶̲̥̅̊ feel bad b it spiritual, physical or emotional!!! I am facin my own aftermart of a former abusive rltnship al in d name of luv wen I shud v J̲̥̅̊u̶̲̥̅̊s̶̲̥̅̊t̲̥̅̊ left wen I was whole!!! 10Q stella
ReplyDeleteMy first bfy could be described as beast or sometimes he calls himself that. was just gisting a friend of mine who is in an abusive rltnshp ds morning. I met him wen i was just leaving secondary school and he just graduated from the university awaiting service year. 7 years and 2 abortions. he was never physical wt me but heard he really beat d hell out of his former girlfriend. can still remember when she came to beg him then and he asked me to push her out which i never did. my mum tried all she can to drag me out of it cos she believed he was just going to use and dump me but i kept on cos he was my first. He is a big boy now and an actor in d industry. whenever i visted him he talked me down, say i can never contest wt the new girls in his life. he was very abusive wt words and always said i av to upgrade myself if i most continue in the relationshp wt him. his brother adviced me to leave him and he turned on him too. Got married later and enjoyed it for 6 months only. he almost killed the wife ( an OAP too) and she moved out. till date he is unable to keep a lady, he has seek spiritual help n councelling and stl his predicament remains. Last year he tried to stage a come back but i was long gone. I av forgiving him and at a point tried introducing him to my pastor but a dog will remain a dog i guess, am married now to a MAN. Yes there are stl reasonable ones.
ReplyDeleteNOTE: U will know a real man when he respects his mother and mother respects him back. Dont ever try to let him change his love for his mum, why? cos thats th e same way he will love and respect you too.
NERO
Reading all dese stories makes me sad!!!nt yet married buh ryt nw am scared of it....just wish all d women goin tru all dis find happiness!!!!
ReplyDeletei am sooooooo scared right now!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI ALMOST KILLED MYSELF
ReplyDeletetoday God has given me an unexpected miracle.... I came back to alpha beach today...I came back to where I was a year ago... I came to meet my ALPHA, my OMEGA... my friend my lover, my husband, my confidant...I came back with joy.... I came back to remember where I was last year in order to appreciate where I have been, and where I am now..... I bless you Alpha, my soul.... The depth of my being blesses you my Alpha... I praise you and I thank you.
I came last year in sorrow... I came to you Alpha in tears... I was here in despair... You were my last bus stop... I needed to be with you... I wanted to come to you.... I wanted to escape..... To eternity where you assured me no pain, no sorrow, no tears.... I got to alpha beach ... I guess You led me here... You wanted to reveal yourself to me.... What an irony... You led me to You.... You led me to alpha beach.....and you are the Alpha... The beginning of all things... You led me to where you started it all....when you created heaven and earth your word says... You then separated the earth and the sea. I came to the sea.... I wanted to use the sea as a vehicle to come to you.
I wanted to kill myself.....
You knew Alpha.... You alone in this whole world knew my thoughts,,...you knew what I wanted to do, then You brought me here....
Oh the memories... I cried, I sobbed, I wailed....then I started running.... The final race into the sea.... I wanted sooooooo much to touch you... I needed to have you in me forever...... Then I poured my heart to you ....alpha... Things had not changed then... Things were getting worse... I was getting more and more into debts... People assumed that my husband was a very rich man so I should not lack.... I was living like a pauper in the midst of so much.... I was being defrauded left right and center... And to cap it all the abuse didn't go.... It never seemed to end.... New days brought new problems, but never a solution....
I was desperate to die....alpha ... But you brought me back.... You in your most loving manner gave me a knock on the head.... I hit my knee on a big boulder.... In the middle of the sea... It's you...alpha just like a parent gently tapping his child... You gave me a knock and sent me back..... I watched the blood oozing from the cut...below my knee . And only then did I realize how far into the sea I had walked......
Thank you Alpha....thank you for your love and protection... Thank you for cocooning me and telling me that all will be well...
That's why I am back today... I just wanted to hug you once more and say...... Well!!!!! It's been an eventful year...... I needed to come Back to alpha to tell Alpha all that He had done for me...
I'm here Lord to tell you that all is well... I'm alive.. And let me jist you about the events of this past year;
After I left, I went back to work Esther had a dream where she saw robbers attacking me... We fasted and prayed and forgot about it.... I still went home in fear, woke up in fear.... Why? HE was getting more and more abusive....lately he will wake me up at 2am to curse me, tell me off etc...
Then on my 40th I woke up fully depressed... No stars shone, no fireworks nothing.... No presents..... From the one I felt loved me.... Even if he hated me that much.. HE couldn't even give me a hug... I expected lots of hugs and kisses and yes some lovemaking.......you know.... To commemorate the day.... But nothing....nadah....no show.......The silence was deafening......hey!....it's my birthday......dear, ain't you giving me a hug and a kiss..... Well!!!! I got a present Alpha.... I got words, words, nagging....yak yak..... A little curse here and there all laced with a tinge of sarcasm laced with some bitterness...... I shouldn't have asked at all.... I got up to the bathroom......and wept...
ReplyDeleteJuly wasn't an eventful month.....August WAS!!! On the 6th my shop was attacked by armed robbers....it was horrible...they left a note threatening to come back to kill me .....and whoosh......I hit an all time low.... Wasn't sure of where I was going anymore......I just existed.... But I kept coming back here to touch you and see if perhaps its time to JUMP into the sea..... You kept turning me back Alpha..... Your word kept me alive.... Your love became more intense... You began to jealously guard me like the apple of your eye.... You held me up on a solid rock... In the lots and lots of lonely nights that came during that year, you became my constant bed companion... You became my lover....
I missed having sex with my husband...because he perfected the art of using it as a punishment.... He 'gave' me when it suited him, and withdrew such favors for as long as he felt like.....he constantly used it as an instrument of abuse.....it became a whip....
Yet....you Alpha became my lover ....you satisfied my lonely heart.... I needed a friend to talk to and you were there for me..... Not one moment did you leave me... Though I didn't know it then, but you were preparing me for the now and the afterwards....
The debts grew and I began to loose sleep, peace eluded me...I too perfected the art of doing things my own way....borrowed from peter to pay paul..... I became impatient with you darling...... Then.... You folded your arms and watched me........ Never too far away though....oh you wonderful father and friend..... I know now that you did not leave me.... Because each time I screamed out loud for help.....you, darling friend will come running...reminds me of sunshine playing round the house but knowing that her mum is within reach.....she acts like she doesn't need me.... And then one big scream and I'm there....sometimes her scream will bring all the adults running to her and its just a cockroach ....alpha.....my problems were not problems.... I now realize that they were cockroaches....you told me there is no problem too big that you cannot solve... You told me not to fret...bc with You nothing is impossible....
Then by Oct Nov, Dec..... I began to know you.... I began to understand the ALPHA I met at alpha beach ...and I came back in dec just to be sure that I was rid of the ghosts of the past.
The new dawn came in January......I looked around and found no one... I searched for help and found none.... I had knocked on so many doors. MY knuckles were bleeding spiritually.... Then just one last time... I looked at your face... I looked UP...(there was nowhere else to look anyway) -all the other places had become dark.... So I looked UP AND saw your mighty arms....carrying me...AGAIN!!!! Oh no...... The footsteps became that of one person alone....YOU...Alpha...carried me...and I slept off.... Knowing just as sunshine will know when she falls asleep in my arms ...that she is safe...
You lifted me up in that January and I know you did....because I felt the lift...and even as I slept off In your arms you began to do some BIIIIG THINGS......YOU shut some doors, opened some, sent and surrounded me with angels ....
ReplyDeleteAnd then you began to protect me from the violent man.... The violence was now an almost daily affair.... The rejection had become total... The Hatred had become so intense...I could slice it with a knife...yet in the midst of it all you gave me reasons to smile... You shared private jokes with me, kept me company....you did not allow me to be lonely anymore....
So whilst there was rejection YOU came and made me feel like a queen... And in the midst of the abusive relationship and the violent situation at home, I began to glow... You had secret conversations with me, choose my clothes dressed me up in the mornings and gave me a reason to wake up WITH HOPE...
THANK YOU ALPHA.
My story is heavy, pls don't call me names, so sad and scared to even share this, my ex is going to read this, am 27, we started dating when I was 20, everything seem nice and he will call all the time, and we seem like match made in heaven....then after 11months, the first beating, my mum wanted his head but weird as it may sound, I loved him with every bit of me, he promised never to do it again, yes he dint but the abuse changed from physical to financial, he wanted money all the time, second beating 2010, I told myself its enough but no, he had beaten out the confidence in me, I could not stay away..then 10months after, we had a small argument and we broke up, I met another guy and the new guy proposed under 3months and we had family introduction, the new guy was worse, he started acting funny too, I ended things with him, stayed single, for 4months, then my abusive ex came back, we moved in together, I tried to be the best I could for him but 2months after moving in, he beat me so bad, I couldn't move for a week, he begged and promised never to do it again, then emotional and verbal abuse started, I couldn't leave and he started demanding all sorts, he hit me again, this time on the street, I was broken, shattered and all my confidence had gone, then he beat me one last time, dragged me our naked, my family members came to get me 1a.m nearly dead, he beat and locked me up to die its been 7months, life is better and easier.
ReplyDeleteLeft some parts out, my heart is heavy because this society makes women look like failures for walking away... Thank God for my family, friends can laugh and mock me but that's only because am alive, they can't mock a dead woman
I dont mean
DeleteTo sound callous but why did you go back after he had already abused you and you hAd already left? If we know your reason we can
Start understanding
You dnt need to understand please,women undergoing DV live in perpetual fear of insecurity and helplessness,and in case u dnt understand they were once very very strong women who had sometimes in the past boasted that no man would treat them anyhow!!! I was once a very strong lady who came from a broken home and my life was always tumultous due to being pulled between both parents,so I made a resolve not to tolerate thrash from any man!!!it worked for me until a met an abuser wey dey craze,he was a kolomental and he subdued me and made me a mess,stripped me of my self confidence and made me soo insecured,some of my friends could not believe it was me,they were in perpetual shock and I still kept accepting the guy back until family and friends delivered me!!! So my dear anonymous 1.50am,anonymous 10.18pm doesn't owe you a duty of care to make you understand. God forbid you meeting an abusive man maybe then you might ve an inkling of why she went back!!!
Deletehmnnnnnnn
ReplyDeleteI really dont like typing epistle but for what I have gone through, what other women is going through and what they may go through I will
Anon #14, mummy amanda#27 good for you guys really good for you. Do you really know what abuse is? you think its about slapping and hitting alone?
read back MsKay, she was abused by being denied sex - how funny does it sound, but no its not, when a man keeps an extramarital affairs, its an abuse on d woman @ home because mentally and psychologically you think you must be very imperfect for him to even think about it.
when you want to take a major step in your life and the only man you trust says 'no you cant, who will watch the kids' like you are a nanny, 'sorry no money' 'without any reason am sorry its not possible' you become dry and low and your esteem is down what do you call that? tea party????
you see @45 with grown up child i pray she never encounter a man that will treat her d way her father treated me because even if you have never been treated badly emotionally or otherwise, if your sister, niece, cousin and so on have gone that route, indirectly you are affected except if you are a selfish and mean person, so quit praising what you have now like other ladies had bad destinies to be in what they are or found themselves
being married for 14years now, of no abuse @ all, do i look like someone that will put all these brave ladies down when i knew what i went thru in the past? like someone said come in 10years to relate your happy jingle bells and we will gladly give you medals for being super women
anonymous#26
Ada #37
Tolu#52
anon#58
anon#66
all i can say is thank you all, mummy amanda is just like 2years older than the child i bore with the second animal but like i said I thank God!
He has been merciful
remember when people are crying especially women - cry with them so when it's down for you, people will gather round you and comfort, some people that did not get d comfort needed are down below, its not always easy to walk alone!
to all my single friends on this blog tonight that are yet to finalize their wedding plans, remember wedding rings are the smallest handcuffs ever made, choose your prison inmate veryyy well because you may end up being together for a long time.
HYBunny
I wish i never married .men are just too wicked
DeletePls is it only women that are being abused? My uncle is seriously being abused by d wife till date!!!! He is @ d verge of death as we speak,d wife stabbed him on d belly when he suspected he waz goin to leave her!!so I think domestic abuse is a two way thing.
ReplyDeleteOh heavens, am in tears, visiting the blessed sacrament tomorrow. Tnks ms K
ReplyDeleteline 3 *are*
ReplyDeletemy bad
just tired apologies
HYBunny
Pls those in abusive marriage should leave asp. Plssssssss I beg u, treasure your life n God will help n lead u guys.
ReplyDeleteMen also get abused,but the abuse suffered by women is more pronounced and almost normal in our society here, ladies watch out for that guy that doesn't think you should talk when you are with his friends,I remember my ex I really loved him and went out of my way please him,ofcourse he's my dream man,soft spoken,kindhearted,handsome,caring,gives a lot of money everything but whenever I want to make a comment or contribute to any meaning plan he says "abeg you be lawyer who call u" I learnt to stop commenting and I realised if I get spoken to and I reply in English he Will insult me and say oloyinbo!it was scary for someone like him that lives abroad,before I knew what was happening his younger brother will say madam lawyer don't add ur own that's before I can even make a comment but I got engaged the best ring,I was my friends envy they said I should manage that people suffer a lot more out there,that I should learn to keep quiet,Imagine me having a first class in law but not allowed to comment..define this kind of abuse,well thank God now am getting married soon,to my heaven sent,I pray God keep us and our plans.women suffer so much
ReplyDeleteDated this guy ,he was about 6years older,he was my first. We were planning to get married.He was so jealous that I couldn't say hi to a school mate, he will disgrace me at parties, that guy was admiring you and you winked at him, fight go start, people will gather.he could disgrace me in the presence of everyone, beat me up, destroy my fone, cut my chain.i didn't understand the correlation between the issue and destroying things,he will break bottles n threaten to stab, he will strip me naked and beg after profusely, Lizzy.
ReplyDeleteNow in fairness to him he had his good sides, he would nurse me when am sick,clean up my mess,he could do anything 4 me as long as he was able.But d anger used to erase all his good sides, he would smash tv cuz he is angry. Then the height of it was telling me 2 return whatever he gave me as a gift or destroying these things cuz he was angry,it was beyond human comprehension. I called it off cuz all the red flags and signs were there.Am getting married very but any mad man that attempts to beat me up as if am his slave,I will so leave him kids or no kids,am living my own life not any other so am sorry I can't not endure beatings, women get into marriage thinking oh marriage is the only thing that can make me happy or oh what will people say? They will laugh at me, I must make it work but it takes 2,Lizzy
ReplyDeletewell am 22 now and single i dated this guy when i was 20 Just last year. were we in same university together when ever he called and i didn't anser he wud call me all sort of name like prostitute, slut, opening my legs for every man. HIV AIDs carrier n the list goes on and on. i was still with him y course we had been datn not so lng n i felt he would change he called me all those names eventhough i told him i was a virgin. then he said i have been Fuckn so many guys n using virgina cream so i wud be tight n then lying that am a virgin. lol. i think he was intentionally doing it so that even if we happend to make love n was thight and bled he would stil say am using cream to be tight so as to get a chance to keep abusing with insults. he began to enjoy dashn insults and yelling at me even in the presense of his friends. i took it in.
ReplyDeleteThen he wud always ask me for money n if i didn't have he would fum anger with me n cal me stingy when we both were students. he would always tell me there aint no way he wil use his money to marry me unless i provide the money for my brideprice since we were in final year n wud start our service that sme year. we planned on getn married right after our national service. i think he was most eager for us to get marreid i didn't know y. i went to school very early n completed senior high school at 16. but he wanted us to get married he was 6 years older than me n i didn't mind. i told him i was too young to get married at 21 N he said it didn't matter right after school it was best to get married. maybe so he cud finally have me to abuse so well. i wud wake up to see text messages insulting me brutally. i was really hurt. One more thing he made sure he confused me n captured me. i didn't no wat to do. He was from south Africa n then one day he told me to be pregnant for him whilst we were doing our national service. i refused i was going to take such a risk. he didn't take it lightly on me. insults continoued one thing he never did was to lay his hands on me cos i knew when to avoid him. I refused when ever he brought up the topic of pregnancy he was so jolous n he wntd to use that to capture me. i can't tel why but i just cud't leave this guy seemed to done something to me. he caled me stupid, idiot, Folish n so on n forth. he would ask me for airtime to cal him. money! I went to visit him at his place since our service areas where diferrent. on arival he booked me into a hotel n asked me to pay the bill. i wasn't surprised. i did. mind u i never gave my virginity to him yet. then that particular day he wanted it n i just gave cus i got fedup with all the fight n quarel on. he tride so hard to penetrate but cud not. we tried everything to no avail. we even used lubricant! then he yelled at me held me down on the bed blamed me! cursed me. said i was the cause
well am 22 now and single i dated this guy when i was 20 Just last year. were we in same university together when ever he called and i didn't anser he wud call me all sort of name like prostitute, slut, opening my legs for every man. HIV AIDs carrier n the list goes on and on. i was still with him y course we had been datn not so lng n i felt he would change he called me all those names eventhough i told him i was a virgin. then he said i have been Fuckn so many guys n using virgina cream so i wud be tight n then lying that am a virgin. lol. i think he was intentionally doing it so that even if we happend to make love n was thight and bled he would stil say am using cream to be tight so as to get a chance to keep abusing with insults. he began to enjoy dashn insults and yelling at me even in the presense of his friends. i took it in.
ReplyDeleteThen he wud always ask me for money n if i didn't have he would fum anger with me n cal me stingy when we both were students. he would always tell me there aint no way he wil use his money to marry me unless i provide the money for my brideprice since we were in final year n wud start our service that sme year. we planned on getn married right after our national service. i think he was most eager for us to get marreid i didn't know y. i went to school very early n completed senior high school at 16. but he wanted us to get married he was 6 years older than me n i didn't mind. i told him i was too young to get married at 21 N he said it didn't matter right after school it was best to get married. maybe so he cud finally have me to abuse so well. i wud wake up to see text messages insulting me brutally. i was really hurt. One more thing he made sure he confused me n captured me. i didn't no wat to do. He was from south Africa n then one day he told me to be pregnant for him whilst we were doing our national service. i refused i was going to take such a risk. he didn't take it lightly on me. insults continoued one thing he never did was to lay his hands on me cos i knew when to avoid him. I refused when ever he brought up the topic of pregnancy he was so jolous n he wntd to use that to capture me. i can't tel why but i just cud't leave this guy seemed to done something to me. he caled me stupid, idiot, Folish n so on n forth. he would ask me for airtime to cal him. money! I went to visit him at his place since our service areas where diferrent. on arival he booked me into a hotel n asked me to pay the bill. i wasn't surprised. i did. mind u i never gave my virginity to him yet. then that particular day he wanted it n i just gave cus i got fedup with all the fight n quarel on. he tride so hard to penetrate but cud not. we tried everything to no avail. we even used lubricant! then he yelled at me held me down on the bed blamed me! cursed me. said i was the cause
I was recently speaking to my mum who left my verbally and emotionally abusive father after thirty something years of marriage. When we were young her song was that she was with him because of us, her kids. That made me feel so guilty. I am my mother's youngest and when I grew up and left for the US and my mom was still there singing the same old song many years later, I confronted her and told her that she is deceiving herself if she believes I would continue to feel guilty about what my dad was doing to her since it is obvious that she was just using us, the children as an excuse to stay in an abusive marriage. That was when she knew she had no excuse other than to leave. She planned it out and left. She said people think she is crazy to have left her wealthy husband after so long with all they labored for together, but she appreciates her peace of mind and the ability to make her own decisions. This conversation came about because my sister came to her for advice about a friend whose rich father is abusing her mom. My mom shared that it was her coming on long vacations abroad that allowed her to really sit down, think about her life and know that she doesn't have to tolerate my father's verbal and emotional abuse and constant intimidation because being in Nigeria practically programs women to be in "stay with your husband mode" regardless of the quality of the relationship. As Nigerians we are known for being talkers who hardly execute projects. We can discuss domestic violence all day long, but things won't change because it involves men who learn mainly from consequence, not talk. My question is what can be done to curb domestic violence? We already know the police are useless at that because most of them are the worst domestic violence offenders themselves. Does anyone have any concrete ideas???
ReplyDeleteThank you for this comment. This is why many women don't like to come out and talk about their marriages, because there is always somebody to use it for comparism!
ReplyDeletesaid i was the cause. n he wu never forgive me for that. he held me down on the bed. and tried to force to penetrate it was just too unbearable and he had a pyton size forcing into a virgin. i screamed my lungs out. he tried to rape me n i pushed him of with all my strength. he was so angry though i expalind to him it was very painful n i felt so sore from trying! then he gave me a drug to take said it wud make me sleep n then he can penetrate when i wake up in the morning i wudn't fell any pain i refused 'He lied'. he rained insults on me he dared not touch me n told me to leave him alone. he got up n left me all alone in the hotel knowing very well it was my first time in that city n i didn't know my way around. he switched his phone of. i caled nothing i took a bath booked out of the hotel room n walked on the street askn my way around. then i boarded a vihicle back. I changed my sim imidiately i got bak to my service post. befor i wnet to his palce to visit i fell very sick n he was no where. i nearly died then i needed him most by my side. i was admited at the hospital doctors n nurses lost hope on i caled just to talk to him he insulted me caled me names said i was fuckn a guy lol on a hospital bed. begged my mom n brother to talk to him no avail i cried and nearly gave up cos he was the only thing i held on to. i don't eva want to see him again. Am glad i tok that decision to walk away though it wasn't easy. now am happy i met a soo loving a caring guy! Gosh. he is such a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. n we planning on gettn married. am 23 Now.! Please pray for us!
ReplyDeleteWould u call it abuse if the man did it in self-defense? Wifey pulled a knife in me, and locked the doors and hid the keys. Eventually, had to watch her frm a distance till her peeps came around to "calm" her down. I believe no man should give the excuse of being provoked, and its easy to tell the man to take a walk when being provoked, but a knife? If she had caused me and herself bodily harm, what will the world easily assume - that I caused it all.
ReplyDeleteGiven what I've read so far, y'all Are telling me that once a spouse has showed his/her violent side, it will occur again?
I'm anonymous, but call me Craig.
All these stories are sad and I know they are true because I have witnessed similar case but I support anon14 and mummy Amanda ...they are not rubbing anything in our face they are saying facts...the reality is that the truth hurts...I am reading all this stories and I am so angry ...what kind of environment are we growing up in where women who are not even married still stay with abusive men...if we as women know our value we would not accept such abuse easily...now I understand that if you are married especially with kids and are not financially strong it gets complicated...all in all we should not get mad at people who are saying the truth ...if u see yourself as a queen u won't accept being treated as a slave....May God strengthen women going through abuse and provide a safe haven for them. Bisi
ReplyDeleteNa wa oh! Was with my ex for 8 years and I still remember the beating like yesterday. This oloshi oloriburuku guy (excuse my language) turned himself into a lion for no reason!!! Went from name calling to pushing then slapping and finally blows. Then after beating me, he would start crying, begging and all that bullshit. The fool would come back with flowers, gift and all that i love you bullshit. But why do they always beg after they beat their girlfriends or wives??? I couldn't tell anyone.....I was too ashamed cos everyone thot we were the perfect couple!!! one day, we went out to a party and he heard how people were saying I looked really good. Choi.....this bastard beat the shit out of me when we got home. Even tried to kill myself!!! Still this moron didn't stop! I woke up one night and grabbed a butcher knife ready to butcher the bastard but till this day, I don't know what came over me that made me change my mind. I didn't even care about going to jail oh!!! I moved out and he started stalking me. I didn't want to call the cops on him cos he didn't have papers. After he found out where I was living, one of the neighbors mistakenly let him in one day and he stood outside my door begging to let him in. Biggest mistake!! I still remember the slaps, kicks, blows and punches from that day.........I went straight to the police station, filed a report,went to court and got a restraining order. That was how my abuse ended but I am waiting for the day I will hear that the bastard is in Lagos!!! I will pay correct money to abokis to strip him waist down wherever they see him and use koboko to flog the hell out of him. Abeg nobody should insult me, I just want the idiot to have a dose of his own medicine. I have tried to forget about the abuse and block it out of my memory but its hard. I felt so low.....imagine going on your knees, shielding your face and body from blows, slaps, headbutts, bites and punches and begging a man who you love not to hit you anymore!!! All I can say is THANK YOU LORD......
ReplyDelete@@@TRUST NO MAN
My question to abused women is dat dont they have brothers or male relatives? . The day my sister's husband laid his arms on her, that was d last time. I got to their house in a jiffy,wen d hussband saw me coming,he ran into his car and ranaway.
Delete@ Mummy Amanda! Really?? People are here discussing about domestic violence as in serious issues. A serious problem that concerns some women around the world.....well men too and you here yanning " who born the maga"! Btw I am confused, is it ur husband that you claim treats you or respects you like a god that is d maga u r referring to?? Lmao! Look woman, if you don't have anything good or encouraging to say about this topic PLEASE STFU!!!
ReplyDeleteI am the most depressed woman right now. I have been married to my husband for five years and we have two kids. All through these years he has hit me twice, the first time was when I was pregnant for our second child and the second time was over a minor disagreement. he punched me all over and kicked me in the stomach. I almost died. I couldn't shout, I couldn't call for help. My neighbourhood is that type where everybody was married but you will never hear any of them quarrel with their spouse. it leaves me wondering if they ever fight. with that, I felt mine shouldn't be different.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has stripped me off the little confidence I had left, he refuses me working saying the kids are still small, he refused me having a househelp saying they are all witches. he doesn't give me pocket money or anything. He believes he is never wrong. whenever we have a disagreement, he says am the cause. very egoistic. he never accepts his faults. whenever we have issues and I try to point it out that he did wrong, he gets angry and cuss me, breaks things all over the house, bangs doors. he begins to act like a psycho. Now, to outsiders he is that calm, quiet, loved by all man.
my biggest problem is, anytime I manage to cry out to my folks, they keep blaming me saying its my fault(am outspoken, while he is the quiet reserved type)All my friends believe I am one of the few women enjoying marriage. its all pretense but am tired!
I am drained, tired and confused. my kids love him too much. they always want to be with him. How do I walk away? I can't leave my kids behind but they are so attached to him. I do not want to hurt them by taking them away from their dad. what do I do? I have nothing. no job, no money nothing.
My life is just so empty. the only thing I have are my kids. I really need help.
We have aninner strength as womenfind it. Dont allow urself to fight with him. Pretend he is one of ur children. Find simple pleasures at home. Start gardening. Cooking nice meals. Experimenting. Look for joy in ur daily tasks amd once u start building ur confidence u will
DeleteFind things u are good at. Its step by step. Thenu come up with a plan.
Pls start a business.I am in ur exact shoes but I started a business with 5000naira and today ave done over a million naira.I refused having another baby after my first one cos I have my plans.pls pls start doing somthing
DeleteThink! If you die, your children will have no mother, plan your exit, no man is better than you, or with your life.. Your children will understand later,please I beg you, plan your exit..
DeleteUr God wl make a way where there seems to be no way....
ReplyDeleteJust trust in him, talk to ur family members for financial backing
Remember you cannot do this alone, one of the reasons a users get away wt their madness is because they a know the women are financially incapacitated and that's they reason they get swollen headed and they try as much as they can to discourage from getting a job or go into business that will give you that financial freedom
@ this stage you just have to learn to do something to fetch you little monies even if its from the small allowance he gives, so you can rent yourself a home and then you can dust your certificate and pick a job
God is able Depressed wife, but you will scale through
Craig she wl surely try it again, trust me
She has done it before and she wl do it again and again, but d next time I hope d 2 parties wl be alive to narrate d stories
@ anon nobody is saying they are rubbing but we are saying is 1 out of 10 women don't go thru any form of abuse in their lifetime and statistically what does that say?
And for the fact that its blossom today does not give us any right to judge, if am having it good, I'll be so silent to read and assimilate and learn from other people so if I see such in future I'll know how to handle it, people change over time, may we all change for good!
Yes I have friends that are having it real good and I have ones that are going thru it and still lie, you will see them with black eye they wl tell u they jammed the door while sleep walking, they were attacked by dmneighbours cat while gardening in their compound, so many lies to cover up, I have even concluded that d most abused pretend that all is well where as they are suffering
HYBunny
im married wt a beautiful daughter n have neva bein abused in anyway nt dt my marriage is perfect stil belivin God 4 d best in my marrriage. tryin so hard 2 withhold tears cnt blive dt women stil pass thru all these frm d men dy luv mothers pls teach ur children hw to be confident,bold n hw 2 blive in dmselves one thg i tel myself is dt my happines does nt depend on any1 but God n it has alwz worked 4 me learn hw 2 develop a thick skin n run dnt say he ll change afta marriage cos he wont.
ReplyDeleteAll these stories are enough to make one weep. I am so sorry our women are going thru this kinda violence and keeping quiet. PLEASE let them seek for help and get out.
ReplyDelete#98: I feel u jare. Had a friend who was being abused. I arranged for some street guys to look for the guy's trouble on d streets and deal wth him. O, they gave him a very sound beating. Sometimes, we need to do some underg's like that to give them a taste of their own medicine. The guy was just a bully who couldnt stand d beatings but he was cool beating his wife........ode buruku.
May d Lord give all u ladies the strength and wisdom u need to either handle the situation or get out of it completely. Been praying for everyone, though i dont know u, since i read ds diary
God bless u all
#100 i refuse 2 call u a depressed wife u can stil find solace in God pick urself up, dust urself and luk 4 thgs dt make u happy i knw is difficult but dnt let us alwz conclude dt d best is 2 run away if i may ask whre r u runnin 2 u can stil pray nothg is hard 4 God 2 do dnt c urself as a depressed wife it is d lie of d devil learn new thgs , make frnds dt ll add value 2 ur life n u can talk 2 sb ur husband respect in respect to ur findin sthg 2 do either a biz or a job play ur role as a wife and try nt 2 luk depressed or weak n no mata wat dnt loose ur confidence be strong at least 4 ur kids n by God'S grace he ll change it is wel
ReplyDeleteije
Stella God bless you for this. But it is high time women took their stand. I am not married but i know deep in my heart that any man that decides to turn me into boxing bag will go and meet his Maker that day. I will make sure i pay people to make his life hell and castrate him. I have learnt from all the experiences shared here oh.I am not a floor rag oh. I CELEBRATE EVERY WOMAN WHO HAVE FOUND A WAY TO STAND UP FOR HERSELF.EVERY OTHER PERSON SHOULD FIGHT BACK NOW BEFORE SHE ENDS UP DEAD.DONT LET THEM DECEIVE YOU. YOU WILL NOT STRAVE TO DEATH IF YOU ESCAPE THE PRISON.
ReplyDeleteMy ex bf of jst 4months beat d hell out of me in public wen we wen2 hangout wit hs frnd nd d frnd'd babe jst coz I wz chatin wit my cosmate on watsapp...he pushd me dwn nd kicked me afta givin me 3hot slaps...I laid on d floor cryin nd he wz still kickn me,all d stupid pple around didn't say anytin,nd wt som culd say wz...ah ah liv dem na...na love...I wz in my second year..I left skul 2 go visit hm in enugu..if nt 4 d intervention of hs frnd...who knws?..he gv me d insult of my life..cald me a prostitute,hiv carrier...all sorts of unmentionable tins..twz late in d nyt..I culdnt go bk 2 abia state where I skul,I had 2 stay d nyt...wen we gt home..he kept on beatin me..hs frnd's babe had 2 lock me up wit ha in d room..nd den he said twz ova...I didn't knw wt 2 say,I hated domestic violence,I alwz made sure non of my siblings or frnds were in an abusive relationshp..my dad hs neva beat up my mum..ve neva hrd dt any of my uncles beat up dia wives..so hw culd I b d victim of domestic violence..we weren't even marid..jst datin...I cried tru out d nyt nd den wen he realizd evrytin he did wz rong..he starrtd begin,I told hm I had hrd..I jst culdnt wait 4 mrnin so I culd liv d hauz bk 2 skul..I made sure my sista nd my bst frnd were aware incase I died der dt nyt...1st tin in d mrnin I startd packn 2 liv..hw wz cryin,kneelin nd begn..I 4gav hm..d stupid idiot nw tried 2 hv sex wit me..I culdn't,I wasn't feelin anytin mor dan hate 4 hm @ dt tym..I left bk 2 skul..my attitude 2wards hm changd..he kept calin,cryin nd begn evryday...we contd d relationshp..bt wen he startd talkn seriously bout marriage..I jst had 2 tell hm dt I culd nt continue....I kept rememberin d beatins..I felt humiliatd,I jst knew dt wen we get marid..it wuld nt stop..it wuld jst get wz bt I wz so scared 2 end d relationshp..I tot he wuld com dwn 2 my skul nd beat me up or kill me..I had 2 wait till wen we were on hols nd I travld 2 ma aunt's hauz b4 telin hm I wz nt interestd again...he startd insultin me..isted of hm 2 beg nd apologise..he rained insults on me nd my family..even startd threatenin my cozn...I blockd hm 4rm fb nd all oda social netwrks.....til 2moro I tnk God I ended evrytin wit hm..readn all dese comments nw I cnt help bt hate hm d more...pls dese men dnt worth ur death o..m so scared of marriage ryt nw
ReplyDeleteI too have been married for 16years. yes we have our querrels and moments when issues get heated up but surely nothing i could term abuse. My husband would never rise a hand at anyone not to talk of bitting a woman he cant even use derogatory words. na me they throw bad words frm all corners, he can talk and over stress the issue but never to strike me. even when we we have our moments i am the one who do all sort of stupid things like hold his shirt and really pushing him to limits BUT believe me its sound strange when i read and hear stories like those of MS-kay. When my kids misbave i wait for their daddy to go out b4 i bring out my kane. Bc if he is ard he wont allow it.When i read such am amased even my dad never ever striked my mum. They took had their issues but domestic abuse was not part of it.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! i can't even begin to explain to you people what this article has done to me. first let me share the story of my cousin. She is a really pretty lady,industrious, smart and very self sufficient, even we her cousins say it to her face that whoever marries her should be kissing her feet every morning, she would laugh in her happy-go-lucky way and say "oko mi ma je ori ade mi" (my husband will be my crown), but alas, she met a BEAST. the bastard folajimi (yes i mentioned his name)was working in one of these new generation banks wen they met and they dated for over a year before he travelled for his MBA in the UK. when ever my cousin offers to come and visit, he wld say no that he needs to concentrate on his studies even wen we her cousins are in UK for holidays and call him so we can hang out, he wld say he prefers he comes over to our place or we jst go out to the park. No one in the family knew his residential address over there. Meanwhile the verbal and emotional abuse was goin on without my cousin telling anybody (she opened up later).After his MBA he got job and decided to stay back and "work" that was when my cousin couldn't take it anymore, she arranged her visa and went to UK without telling him till she was abt boarding the plane. he was shocked and wen she got there, he camped her in a friend's hose claiming his own hose was too small and that he has a male flatmate so my cousin will be really uncomfortable in the house (lies, lies and more lies). when she came back, she was pregnant and so he had to come home for the introduction and wedding plans started. in between this, she mystically fell down the stairs twice, got attacked by robber that didn't collect anytin but jst beat her and left the guy o, hit her face on door, had unexplained apollo that had her wearing sunglasses (He was beating her! and does were her lies to us).
ReplyDeletefinally after the wedding, he went back to "work" and when she had their beautiful baby girl, the first question he asked her was hope the child looks like him o? this continued and news came that he had anoda baby mama in UK and he has been living with her since he was in sch there and she even knows abt my cousin. whenever he comes home and she confronts him, she gets the beating of her life, he forbade her from coming to our house cos we stayed in the same estate and whenever he starts his tantrums she runs to our house with her baby. He made her stop working and then she went into buying and selling, he termed that business foe illiterates, he wold monitor her with his phone when she goes to the market, even when he isn't in the country, he knew her whereabouts at every given time. he seized her car keys from her and said, she is using it to carry small boys around the estate, makes her cook for him and his battalion of friends at whatever time they get home from clubbing, puts her down in front of them, he even beat her and stripped her once when she wore a revealing top saying shebi she wants to sell her wares ni, ehn he will help her. All these while my mom will go to the hose and insult him, she even got him arrested once but her parents always tell her to go back to him and his own mother will always come, begging my cousin and crying that her only son is possessed that's why he is acting that way, claiming her is the best son ever (yea right). the stray that broke the camel's back was the day he beat her, locked her and their daughter in the room and went out AT night. she sent my mum an sms and early the next morning we were there. He pretended everything was fine until my mum asked to see my cousin, he lied she locked herself in the room since yesterday o, wen we finally opened the door, she was weak,on the floor, their child was not even crying out of pity for the mom, my mom was crying and cursing him. we carried her to the hospital and wen he came to beg her there in the hospital, her mind was made up, she played along with him, went home, acted like the obedient wife for some weeks, sold off most things he gave her to raise money without arousing his suspicion, packed rented a small apartment in another part of lagos, called me up one morning to come and take her child and lie to the husband i'm taking the child out while i wait for her at the bus stop she was practically shaking and begging me to pls not make him suspect anything and i leave the gate ajar for her. the few minutes i waited for her at the bus stop where like hours, tot started creeping into my head like what if he has suspected and he will come after me or what if he has started beating her again? when she finally showed up and collected her daughter from me n got into a bus, i was more than relieved. she called her parents and his mom to tell him the marriage is over, the next time they saw was months later when she filed for divorce, only me knew her house and i didn't tell a soul till the divorce was finalized.
ReplyDeletefinalized. she is doin so well for herself now, her business has really grown, their daughter is 7yrs old now and the smartest child around :) he has been begging her. we heard his sugar mama/baby mama threw him out of their UK home. My cousin is not even thinking of re-marrying, her baby is her paramount concern and she has forgiven her parents for not having her back when she needed them the most. her story keeps reminding me to shine my eyes, i am also engaged and will be getting married next year but i always pray my man does not turn into a beast too,cos i know what it is like. i pray every woman out there goin thru a similar situation like my cousin did will find the courage somewhere to leave. please if not for your own sake, do it for your loved ones. even if no one believes you, dont resign to fate. find the will to RUN and never look back afterall it is you that suffers the torture and not them. My prayers are with you all.
ReplyDeleteDomestic violence is a serious problem and victims have my deepest sympathy. It is also a fact that not all women are abused in whatever form.
ReplyDeleteEach time the issue of domestic violence comes up, women that claim not to have suffered abuse are seen as gloating, unsympathetic show offs. There is no need for that.
Some of the past victims have admitted to being in abuse-free relationships presently. An abuse-free relationship is possible, I know of several.
Some of these stories are getting way too ridiculous!
ReplyDelete@Egotamobus, I dont know what kind of arrangement you have with your husband but I doubt you are a victim of Domestic violence. You arrange your friends to come fcuk your husband in your guest room? Like he forced you to do that too?
This is just so sad. people go through all this,and still walk on the streets like sane people,realy thank God i read this today.God give me the grace to tolerate and Love my Wife,have a spouse who is a serious introvert we hardly play or jist, tried opening her up ,pls advise needed
ReplyDeleteAunty stella....tnk u so much from dis memo cos of d lessons of marriage am learning from dis wonderful women who came here 2 share their stories.I neva knew some married women go tru all dis...am so sad ryt nw 2 hear dis kinnda stories cos av neva bin in an abusive reltnshp since I started datin....I just pray 2 God 2 give all dis women goin tru all dis peace nd happiness
ReplyDeleteI am really ın shock, but pls ı ve a very crucıal questıon whıch ıs botherıng me after readıng all these, my questıon ıs thıs, Is ıt dat these women dont necessarıly do anythıng as to make d men treat them dıs way? Dnt d do anythıng to aggravate d men, how ıs theır behavıour/character?
ReplyDeleteWhat exactly is domestic violence... Do we really understand what the deep meaning is? It goes beyond slapping beating etc. I want us all to look this up through this woman's story Annie kaszina. Maybe some of the questions raised in this forum will be addressed
ReplyDeleteFor our information that is all of us that have contributed one way or the other to this diary let me tell you today that Domestic violence is in the increase in nigeria and the greatest challenge facing it is lack of data to back this up. We all know someone or have been victims or have probably read about the extreme cases in the dailies. It assails our senses and imaginations..... Some of us are thinking.... How could women or men as the case maybe allow themselves go into so much suffering. No one born of a woman deliberately goes into such a relationship. We all found ourselves victims. And our traditions don't make our case the better.... There are so many women going through this abuse SILENTLY.... I call them the THE SILENT MAJORITY.... They like me form the critical mass of abuse and are dying inside daily.
Why do I say this... You see most of the abuse cases you read about fall within the low income bracket.... Why ,.., the average Iya Mulika will shout EGBA MI OH... As soon as BABA MUlika raises his hands to beat her and when the case gets too bad she goes to Project alert and she gets help.... I went to project alert once...and I was told that the facility was set up for women around that income bracket who can't help themselves at all. that people like me... Well sorry but because we are financially able,... Then we should be able to help ourselves. And there lies the problem.... The thousands of women living in comfort... In good homes who want to leave but can't even think of it...... One of the women I know gets a first class ticket to go see the doctor when she gets bruised and bloodied.... And her husband tells her there is nowhere in the world that she can hide. I was told when I finally left to always watch my back.... That 'he will always be there' that he has people watching my every move.... So people like me (I left) suffer in silence and the data is not available because no one is talking....
I kept a diary.... Why.... There was no one to talk to.... My pastor asked me to SUBMIT.... Every time I went in tears to church I did not find help.... I found religion.... Religion crucified Jesus.... And at some point I was the subject of a message ....!!!!! WOMEN WHO DON'T SUBMIT I moved on when I was told by a Pastors wife that quite a lot of them are abused daily and they are in a worse situation because they then watch the same man minister at the pulpit... All they are told is SUBMIT. ... Ask any woman in an abusive relationship.... The one thing she knows how to do best is SUBMIT who born you that you dear talk back.... So God knows we have submitted...... Humbled ourselves to even below ground zero..... The police..... The first and only time I went to the police.... The DPO.... Took one look at me.... After reading my statement and bearing down at me through his glasses looked at me and said.... "You these nigeria women.... What else do you want.... No wonder you are a lawyer... I sure say your mouth na him put you for all these trouble..... You must be a stubborn woman". Then he turned to his audience.... A room full of men and said.... "I must buy a present for my wife today oh..... Upon how much I beat her she just de endure... She no be like this woman wey de report her husband cho cho cho". The men egoistic and sarcastically all nodded in agreement.... I wished the ground could open and swallow me..... But I dug in and insisted that the case be incidented.... That's me oh.. A lawyer... What of those who dare not bc the man has contacts and eyes everywhere....
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is that we educate ourselves and our children.... I choose not to keep quiet again at least let someone out there read this and learn. Let the men read this and see that some attitudes are not palatable at all they are repugnant... Let women learn and know the symptoms to look out for.... And above all let the SILENT MAJORITY the SILENT MASKS.... Know that they are not alone ..... That we feel what they feel ...
After the birth of my 1st child, things returned to normal... Love laughter and all... We had very good days and extremely bad ones.... I was a law school student, mother and wife, so I had helps come and go... The physical abuse had reduced to manageable levels... Spending 5months in the hospital after the beating was not funny and he made sure he was soo devoted no one knew... We became a happy family.... Our flat became centre of activities in the social scene... He was and still is quite popular and social... We entertained frequently and on my part I learnt to kiss ass... I learnt that when we had friends over, he will be watching my every move discretely... I learnt to read his eye movements, discussions.... + learnt to understand thr warning signals... When I stepped out of line he will wake me up in the middle of the night to critique my day...... My dress, cooking or whatever he hated about the day and gradually it became almost a daily affair.... In the mornings (he was in between jobs at this time, and my dad paid me a salary equivalent throughout law school) he will look at me as I dressed up and somehow started insinuating that I had boyfriend ... Some mornings I had to change my outfit 3 times just to look less pretty.... It became a regular morning pattern..... Me dressing up, he looking and asking me why this.... Why that.... Why lipgloss... Why hair..... This is inspite of strict priciples on dress ethics by law school....yet,,,,,
ReplyDeleteWhen I "argued" as he always says... I got the prerequisite beating to put me in my place....by then I gradually became so defensive that I began to shout on everybody... My mechanic... My help.... I could be calm one minute and suddenly if I so much think that I'm about to be taken advantage of... I will just become dictatorial......bossy... Assertive as if my whole life depended on that one victory...... One day my sister asked me .... "Sister....kilonshele si yin... Is everything okay"... I couldn't tell her........
I cant describe my feelings after each beating... but i learnt to cover it up.... I learnt the art of looking pretty whilst bearing so much pain...my acting skills in the uni took over....my alter ego always took over... As soon as he finished either the slaps or beatings..... I learnt to start the MASKING process... First the ice... Then suddenly one day in the market I got a lovely small knife... No I think it came with a knife set.... It suddenly dawned on me that ....yes I can't beat him but I can defend my self.... And .... Because I knew HE always jumped me at very unpredictable times...I started to keep the knife under my pillow... Waiting .... For the next beating... I prayed every night that he will never discover it... So I made sure I got into bed before him. (No spare room so don't ask why I didn't sleep there).
Then one morning I got up again to get dressed for school..... Then he started again..... Nag nag.... This fault .... This issue..... You are stupid..... Dumb..... You should count yrself Lucky I married you.... On and on...and I kept on apologizing.... (You learn to say sorry even when you have no clue of the accusations)... And he knew I was looking to escape and just run out of the house... Then he escalated and started peaking very fast.. Escalating to curses.. This time I just wanted to leave the room.... As I made to leave he grabbed me, spun me round and the slaps began... I got up calmly wiped my cheeks and told him not to hit me again.... Yes I dared to warn him... He didn't take it nice,y... Me talking back....ha!!!!! By the time the first punch landed on my face, I knew school's out for that day... Then I suddenly realized that he had punched me right into my side of the bed.... In blind panic, I grabbed my knife and just started slashing him everywhere..... (That knife was not sharp)..... But suddenly he saw blood..... Ha!!! Yepa!!!! Sacrilege...... At that point.....I .....I ...KAY..... FLIPPED..... Where the strength came from... I don't know .... I just kept lunging at him ready to do and undo... Then he started screaming ........EGBA MI OH!!!!! YE!!!!! ARA ADUGBO.... KAY HAS KILLED ME!,,,...I at that moment calmly Locked the door to our room, threw the key down from the window..l (we were on the 3rd floor) of a block of flats.l.l then I tore my clothes threw them out and told him that ....today.... No one will come out alive ..... We fought..... Or was it that he wrestled the knife from me... Then each of us retreated into a corner, sizing ourselves up like wounded lions.... He was bleeding and I was detached from it all.... I had disengaged mentally and in any case had thrown the key away ..he started shouting for the neighbours who ended up opening the door....of course some of our neighbours called my relatives..... And it was on that day that my parents got to know my ordeal in his hands......
ReplyDeleteLESSONS
1. Bottom line.. Most abusers are cowards.... Kapish
2. Abuse has a cycle.. And knowing this cycle will help a lot of women in it safe... www.domesticviolence.org
Normal behavior >setup>abuse>guilt>excuses>normal behavior
3. Abusers have an amazing memory.... They remember everything......EVERYTHING....but can decide to have selective memory as well.
4. They are extremely jealous... I was accused of sleeping with all my lecturers, then all my friends....my bosses...some uncles... His friends and more....
5. An abused woman in most cases will NEVER be involved in xtra marital affairs... If u are in a deeply abusive relationship, having another affair will be the last thing on your mind... Your self Estéem has been plundered to the point where you don't have a single confidence in yourself... So whilst the man keeps accusing the woman of sleeping around.... The woman has become so fearful that she cannot even respond to advances from any man........
ms kay i am sitting on edge.my blood has gone cold from your diary!!!
ReplyDeletepls what happened after u slashed him and ur parents found out?some pple dnt get so lucky u know.
Am too shocked and surprised at the stories am reading hear. i hv never envisaged its this bad and terrible in our environment.In all my 44yrs i only knew of my uncle who beat up the wife and broke her toothes and subsequently the marriage backed up bc the wife moved out. could it be that most couples pretend all is well when it is not.because from the responses to this write up it shows the situation is terrible out there. Sincerely I dont think i would stay for as long as MS_KAY did if i was in her shoes. So sad u find no solace in this environment when u step out. But pls do step out if u are been threated so badly. U will be of more value to ur family and children if u r alive. I wont judge any divorcee hence forth. bc he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches
ReplyDeleteAm too shocked and surprised at the stories am reading hear. i hv never envisaged its this bad and terrible in our environment.In all my 44yrs i only knew of my uncle who beat up the wife and broke her toothes and subsequently the marriage backed up bc the wife moved out. could it be that most couples pretend all is well when it is not.because from the responses to this write up it shows the situation is terrible out there. Sincerely I dont think i would stay for as long as MS_KAY did if i was in her shoes. So sad u find no solace in this environment when u step out. But pls do step out if u are been threated so badly. U will be of more value to ur family and children if u r alive. I wont judge any divorcee hence forth. bc he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches
ReplyDeleteSkip to the end....Ms Kay re u guys still together?
ReplyDeleteMs Kay,my hands were shaking from holding my iPad nd reading your story,I never imagined or believed such existed..may God help you dear,I had chills all over my body...u have indeed passed through a lot....I know God will give you much love and comfort than any other..you have tried even him knows so...I wish I could meet you and comfort you;but God' s love surpasses any other.your last piece #122, left me dazed!!.....hmmmmmmmmm God have mercy....I have not really had much relationship and none has been abusive so I can't say I know what it feels like,I can only imagine it....be strong dear,leave it all to God,he will perfect it all ok?....hugsss!!
ReplyDeleteI look at matured single women who are searching and praying for a husband and i wonder what they are eager for.i look at the bride in church dancing away and i wonder what kind of beast the lovely groom will turn into in a few months or years.Men these days ,i wonder where they came from.i want to share a friends story.cause is ongoing.she works but he earns more than she does.at the end of the month,he collects the salary,claiming he is the head of the family and should be the one to disburse funds.some few years back she said enough is enough,because she discovered that all the investments have been made only in his name.she challenged him .it was an ugly situation.he humiliated her,her family members,he accused her of infidelity ,just to break her,he told her to choose her job or the marriage(THE WISE WOMAN CHOSE HER JOB)took her kids and left him,after a few months the fool came begging.Today this woman is livin daily in psychological trauma of what she passed thru during the moments,she lives in pain and bitterness.But atleast she gained something,her action forced him to reflect her name on some of the investsments and today she is in control of her resources.i dont know what would have happened to my friend,if she had resigned her job.i undersetimated her inner strenght,because i cannot imagine surviving such a tormoil.i end with a word of advice to fellow women,have something doing,a job or a biz,have ur money,if u have daughters,make sure they have an education,teach them to be strong emotionally.lets teach our sons to how to love, respect and value women,thats the only way we can change the ugly trend.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why some people here are wondering why MS KAY didn't run for her life!! Easier said than done. @ MS KAY, I am speechless. Na wa oh. Whether you left before, during or after the abuse you went through, I applaud you. The 1-5 lesson part gave me goosebumps because you are so right about that. Especially number 4 and 5! It's only someone who has been there that can know exactly what you mean. Thank you for sharing your story/ diaries......God bless
ReplyDelete@@@TRUST NO MAN
@ anonymous # 126! What is your problem? You think this is a movie or some gist? Someone is talking about the abuse she went thru so that others can know that domestic violence is a serious issue and all you have to say is " skip to the end......are you guys still together?" Why are you asking? You want to go and look for the guy and start dating him or what? Abeg get lost!!!
ReplyDeleteGod........so it has so happened that I'm sharing in this diary. I'm one person who is always fantasizing about marrying the most adorable man. Unfortunately I'm not so lucky yet but I believe God. In ma second year in the university I met this cool looking guy(ofcourse only good looking outside but a beast inside). I met him for the first time immd after my ssce after which we lost contact and met again in my second year. By this time he had changed from the very slim guy I once knew to a plump man. He was working but didn't start university yet. We started dating officially and then the abuse started. Initially I thought I could endure because as my first date I loved him so very much that it was becoming so difficult to leave him. I schooled in a different town from where he was based but I have to go visiting every two weeks. The most terrible thing was that he was always preaching respect but he never respected my feelings as a woman. I will go to visist him on friday hoping to go back to school on sunday only for him to tell me that I shud wait till monday morning afterall sunday evening and monday is d same thing. The first blow I had was when he came to the town my school was to do some business. Unfortuntely he came on the eve of my final exams(oral exams for that matter with external examiners as in medical school). Because I knew he will be so angry if I tell him that I won't be able to spend the night with him in his hotell room cos of my exams the next day, I had to follow him to the hotel he booked. Priceless
ReplyDeleteAnd did I forget to tell you he's the kind of guy that has sex at night before sleeping and sex first thing in the morning before getting outta bed! Oh yes!!. Thru the night I couldn't just be myself after nagging that he must have sex. And I was just lying down there hating myself for seeing him that night. Around 4am I slowly picked the small handout I came with to review for my exams, he started caressing my back and I knew it was time for morning sex. I pleaded with him to just let me review a little for the exams so that I won't go in so blank for the oral exams. He just left me and turned his back on me, I was so happy that atleast for the first time he could show some understanding little did I know that was anger. He got out of that bed by 5am and showered and before 6am he was already dressed without saying a word to me. I felt he didn't just want to disturb me since I was reading. He went out of the room and I thought he wants to make a quick order for breakfast or something since he wud be leaving that morning but it suddenly dawned on me that my lover boy had left me in the hotel room alone when he went out and didn't come back for over one hour. Since my exams was by 12noon, I just relaxed in the room and continued reading. I later called him to ask why he had abandoned me in the hotel room and all he said was that 'shebi I was too busy to give him attention' I was shocked. I gathered myself and left for my exams and I so much thank God I made it in that exams. That was wen I knew that God answers the prayers of sinners. He went back to where he came from without even asking how my final exams went. I continued dating and loving him despite that. After I had finished school, I practically went back to his house with the hope that I'll be out of there in less than two months to start my housemanship and then from there I can start planning on how to breakup. and then my graduation ceremony from medical school was comong close. On the eve of the graduation ceremony we had a little and very insignificant issue(he was good at flaring up at every small thing) I had to leabe for my ceremony alone. All initial plams we made for the big day was cancelled because he was angry a day before and I was like, this is the first event in my life amd he's not happy with me then its never gonna go well woth us. So I started applying in distant places for housejob so I could be far away from him so atleast it will be easy to break up from there.
ReplyDeleteMore often than not young nigerian ladies push themselves into these things. The "I must marry before a certain age" or " I must marry because all my mates are getting married" syndrome is what leads us into trouble. I've been married for less than a year but the things I've learned has made me wiser.
ReplyDeleteMothers, Aunties, Big sisters, if someone you know is in an abusive relationship pull the persons ears and show them the right path. No man/woman is worth your life.
#Angel Gaga# Ms kay u are rily a tough woman, u r a survivor. Readin ur story n odas peepz stories has rily given me a new beginning. I wil b 24 in few months tym. I got married a few months ago. Inbetween dis few months it aint been easy at all. I dated my hubby 4 abt 18 months b4 we got married. I was in school so we saw on weekends so d only finz I noticed abt him den was dat he was abit tight handed wen it comes 2 moni and also he had women around him. But I didn't let dat border me hopin dat wen we get married dat finz wil change. But I so miscalculated dat ryt now am goin 2ru emotional torture. A month after we got married he offended me, instead of him 2 apologise as I was complainin he didn't. rather he said I shouldn't insult him o, b4 I knew it, na big gbosa! 4 my face! Lol I see stars o, we were in d car so I just calmed down n didn't answer him to avoid more talk. I was hopin he wil appologize but he didn't. Rather d next day wen we went out he started boastin dat am calm becos he slapped me d day b4. I told his elder sis n she warned him neva 2 try it again. Now wat he does is dat wen eva we av a lil quarrel he will start callin oda women ryt infront of me, he wil start sayin, dat he did me a favour by marryin me. Now different girls call my line everyday 2 ask me silly questions like " r u divorced" " leave my boifrd 4 me" they even stalk me on facebook. Somone deleted all my weddin pictures. He doesn't even give me moni , he wil just drop like 200naira n go out d whole day. Wetin 2H wan do 4 me na?
ReplyDeleteBut wat has rily given me a fright is d day he flogged me wit 6mm wire dat he twisted into 2. Electricians una sabi d wire na, dat fat size. Wat was my offence? We had a lil quarrel , so he called a girl infront of me so I got angry n went 2 c my friend in d next street. Wen I came bak he locked d door n hide d keys. Den d whoopin began! He said I went 2 c a guy. Dat he must disfigure me den I wil leave his house. Dat nobody wil want me I cried, begged, explain, said sorry but he didn't stop. Even our neighbour came 2 knock he didn't open.
Den he stopped n started beggin me n cryin, I was abt callin my mum but he took d fone n said I should 4give him. I shouldn't tell anybody, dat he is sorry. I cried a million tears dat day. He locked me indoors n went 2 d clinic 2 get me pain reliever, he also bought fried rice n chicken 2 bribe. Me. Hahaha. *shakin wit silent tears* . I can't tell my family wat is goin on. Everybody finks I married d perfect man. I raise my head very high so peepz fink its perfect 4 me. But its not. Every day my heart gets harden n hardened. I now see d reason y people get divorced few weeks afta marriage. Some tyms afta every fin he wil com up wit one silly excuse sayin "once we av a child finz wil change" can a child rily change finz? Am in a dilemma. Am avin numerous totz.
O dear, am in the same shoe with u. My hubby talks his girlfriend in my presence.is very very painful I must say but I have learnt to ignore him.
DeleteYour/our story is pathetic, ur marriage is still very very young to experience all dis. Pls my dear,don't get pregnant!!!!!!!!!
It won't get any better and since there is no kid yet, u can easily walk away cos by the time u have kids u will definately cry ur eyez out. He won't give u money to even buy the kids okirika cloths....lol #not funny sha. Pls have a rethink,is easier to make decision now than later wen there is a child.
@ anon.# 128! Hmmmm you can only look and wonder why matured single women are praying and searching for husbands oh..... Is it not this our African culture/ society that wants to drive dis women to the edge!!! If you finish college in your 20s, they will insult you, call you olodo and say your mates finished since..... After the person graduates and is reaching 30!!! Then they will start to talk rubbish like " you are getting old, go and bring husband, you r too picky, too dis, too dat"! You eventually get married in your 30s and God help you if you don't get pregnant ASAP! Family/ in laws will remind you constantly and some will even call the woman barren! Then the woman gets pregnant and the child is a girl!!!! All hell will break loose as if having a female child is a sin! Finally a baby boy comes and you think the woman's wahala is over!! Na lie. That is when family or inlaws will say " ah you have to have more children oh" like WTF?? So please tell me @ anon128 why dis matured single women won't be eager or desperate?and then they end up entering one chance by getting married to a bloody monster!
ReplyDeleteIt didn't end there. He wasn't happy when I finally got an appointment and left. He stalked me with fone sef such that if he called in the morning when I had gone to take my bath and I missed his calls he will flare up in anger calling me names. Sometimes I had to travel down to settle problems that had emanated from missing his calls. Then one day he came visiting, on that night a colleague of mine called me and he flared up. That was when I told him its getting out of hands and he threatened to leave the next morn. He thought I was going to beg him not to so when I didn't beg him he said it is because I have been fucking around in his absence and called me names. I kept quiet and he left 3days later. Sometime I travelled to see him, he started accusing me wrongly but this time I had summoned the courage to tell him to stop accusing me. The next thing he said was 'if I lay my hands on you now they will say I'm wicked' I was so shocked at the statement and I answered ' you won't dare do such a th.......but before I could even complete 'thing' he had landed me one very hot slap. I opened my eyes after 3mins and discovered I had a red pulp in the white part of my eye, I cried for one week and he didn't stop begging and blaming the devil for his actions but right within me at that moment I had made up my mind to leave him
ReplyDeleteTiti
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmm.... Im standing and applauding u Ms Kay,i was so glad with the last part ,haba!! Kilode,i v always said it and i insist,if i had gotten marrried to a bully,he would only have succeded once,cos the first time i ll just pardon him and take it as a mistk,but if he tries it again,i swear i wld leave him with a mark,in a very conspicous place,that every1 will ask wot happened,im a naturally quite person but trust me i ll do that for myself or rather i ll do tht for us,so he ll respect himself and we live happily ever afta.
I have been married for 13 yrs, i am one of the luckiest women on earth ,while i do not want to gloat people who have gone thru abuse,i would also want to say that not all men are abusive,this is a crusad i want to lead,because it is a very mis leading notion which allow abused girls/woaen to remain in a relationship or marrriage thinking "afterall it happens to all" if he s abusive especiall b4 marriage,pls take a walk, there is a man out there who ll respect u and treat u right. Singles pls note! God bless u for sharing MS Kay,the Lord will restore all the years that seem to v been wasted,he will give u double for ur trouble. TITI
By this time all the love I had for him had disappeared and all I wanted was a better way to breakup and I kept waiting. I'm not ashamed to admit I was scared to leave him because he was my first and I was always worried if I'll ever be able to love another man. Yeah, I was that stupid and daft. I came back to my base and the fone quarrel continued. Whenever we had issues on fone he'll threaten to breakup and I'll apologise. But one day, as God will have it, it happened. I had reasons to switch off my fone at work and I explained everything to him just incase he calls me and couldn't get me and I promised that as soon as I switched on the fone I'll let him know. I was in a bus when I switched on the fone and just as I was about scrolling for his number to call, his own calls came in with him ragging why I didn't call as I promised immd I switched on my fone. He didn't even give me one second to explain that I've just put on the fone and was about calling him wen his call came in. The next thing I heard was threats to breakup. That day inside the public bus, I told him I've had enough he should go his way lemme go my way too and I dropped the call on him. He immd called back but I nevr answered again. We stopped talking for two weeks, I knew his ego won't let him call me back . Two weeks later he called to apologise and I simply told him I've moved on so I advice him to move on too.
ReplyDeleteSecond time responding to this post.
ReplyDeleteThese stories shared here are so heartbreaking!
There is so much to say, Domestic violence is real and really has to be dealt with.
Women somehow have to learn to value themselves, someone said earlier that their dad called his daughters his princesses. You're lucky to have a father who appreciates you!
This is where it starts. Girls may be so undervalued within the family growing up, and not have enough love. So when they grow up, somehow , the guy who pretends to show love and yet abuses them , they succumb to it. Its disturbing really. And you know our society , especially Africa , where it seems like if you're not married at a certain age , you've committed a crime or there's something wrong with you.
Funny thing is single ladies are praying to find soulmates and what's the point if it ends up like this. Am not saying all men are evil , but its disheartening when women, mothers, sisters and friends suffer like this.
Women, let's treat ourselves with more dignity, and yes let's LOVE and VALUE ourselves , so we don't have to feel like we need somebody else to make us feel good.
Its a crazy world, really. Responsible men out there, responsible fathers , please treat your baby girls like Angels!
And above all, let's act and pray because it is only HE who can give us the energy and strength to walk away from abusive men.
It doesn't matter what society says.They can speak their tongues out.Because it's trying to live up to some image that gets most women trapped. You cannot stay, you cannot let your kids watch, because it will only scar them.
NO TO VIOLENCE! We really need to come up with more action plans, to stop this mess in our society...
Am 34, am not married but truth is I love my life. Of course I want to get married but where are the responsible God fearing men now? People think at that age u don't get suitors but trust me they come .These days, the man no longer wants to struggle at all,they are also looking for a comfort zone. Infact, they are ready to dump the responsibility on your head,traits they show whilst u are dating, the only edge my friends that are married have over me is their kids,most of them have traumatic marriages al in d name of answering mrs. My friends hubby brings babes to d house whilst she is at work and beats her up if she dares talk.some of my friends are the bread winners,. I dated one idiot that told me he needed a loan of 2m to do bus and was putting me under pressure to marry him.Angela
ReplyDeleteSorry if that came off as rude. I am just eager to know if she is still there and wondering why if she is. It just seems a bit too much for her to still be there.
ReplyDeleteLovely reply
DeleteThis will go down as my fav blog topic in a long while....probably ever!
Constructive and no rants or curses flying about
Cute... Very cute
-warriboi in London
Well I kind of understand what mummy Amanda is saying, sometimes u also have to do some daring things so that these men will be humble. Like one Benin chic In my neighbourhood,before the man starts beating her the whole neighbours have gathered, she will break bottle, carry petrol n threaten to burn the house and kill everyone, not a good way to go though but sometimes nah madness person dey take cure madness. These men are weak,selfish ,,they are annoying and some of them are animals.my father cheated so tey he carry HIV, now I understand y my dad and mum used to fight and then he will beat her up.The nonsense stopped when we threatened to beat him up one day and he saw we were not joking.my mom is not alive and I thank God, God took her away 8 years ago in a plane crash cuz am sure she would have contacted it From the womaniser.My father can keep malice with her for 3months,meanwhile he is at fault and she will be the one to kneel down and be begging everyday whilst he will be feeling like a king.She will tell us to beg for her? Nonsense! Mummy please free this joker, Angela
ReplyDeleteCall me wicked na u sabi,when my mom died I think I was more hurt that it wasn't my father,really that was how I felt then God forgive me, ds selfish man, I wasn't judging him on any story I heard, I was judging him based on what I saw.Even up till when she died, he was keeping malice with her, that was his weapon when we were grown and he couldn't beat her up. Life is not fair, she would go to church, she will pray, she will cry, she will fast , she did so much for her children,go through our books, pray for us, women should be the men, they do so much yet they are not appreciated,is it carrying a child for 9 months or taking care of the child? My hurt is we are all doing relatively ok today but it is my father that is enjoying my mothers sweat,sometimes I do things for him for the sake of God.Angela
ReplyDeleteTo all the women going through any form of abuse God will strengthen you,uphold you,give u peace,joy,he will wipe your tears and soothe your pain, he will open your eyes,you will not labour in vain,please don't be miserable over one lousy individual called husband that does not give a hoot if you drop dead,love yourself and focus on things that will make you happy,if the abuse is life threatening please run for your dear life,if you die u are a loss to your children and family God forbid,it is well with you all Ijn,for those who have solid marriages God will continue to strengthen your marriages,for those of us not married God will guide and direct our footsteps pls don't over look red flags or say he will change,they never do,if not for children self what is the hype about marriage? God bless u all and Stella the Lord will continue to elevate you ,amen.Angela
ReplyDeleteE ma gbami ke, na wa o. Miss kay, is this a scripts or true life. I am very good with perception and i have this prayer that no matter how painful, if a man is not for me, God should remove him. This prayer works like mad. And i dont have too much tolerance for crap. Trust me when i say, i have met a lot of idiots. But they know where their madness ends, my own begins. Abuse of any kind is totally out of it, and divorce is an option. So everyone behaves properly. I was not raised to be submissive. LOL. I dont know how to. God help us all.
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't have said it better! So much societal pressures! Only GOd can forgive some parents for allowing themselves to be the catalyst the devil uses to manipulate ladies into marrying the wrong man! We bless God for good men and pray they remainn that way!
ReplyDeleteParents fought several times, verbal exchange of words... fresh memories
ReplyDeleteParents fought several times, verbal exchange of words... fresh memories
ReplyDeleteI am not saying this to be disrespectful or to gloat, but after reading all this stories i am so grateful to God for my father, when i think of all the little things he does(eg wearing faded clothes or being super boring and never wanting to spend money on himself) and how we will harass him i am so mad because compared to all this stories am reading his fault are meaningless.Today i am going to go out and buy him a card.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that i appreciate all of you for sharing your stories, i am a young lady just entering the marriageable age (23) i am going to take all the words of wisdom concerning choosing a partner to heart. I cant thank you enough for enlightening me and my peers, and may God in his infinite mercy grant every woman in an unhappy marriage unbelievable joy and way out of their situation. Amen
Dis ill b my first time commenting on blogs like dis, it's took me several hrs to summoned a lot of courage, plz dnt judge me 4 wht i av to say. i will qualify myself as a very gentle caring guy.av bn into many relation 4 d past few years which av never raises my hands up or hit a lady not until i met dis girl last year August.I was madly in luv with her, few months back i saw her conv with her ex man frnd talking abt sex ,i got angry n slapped her.d second time she caught me wit a girl i tried to walk out not to repeat wht appened d 1st time but she hold me back n tore my cloth threatened to beat d girl.she didn't listen to wht i av to say,she started punchin me draggin my underwear den i lose my cool again n hit her thou she's a very sweet girl but stubborn.after dis i felt so bad cuz av never lay my hands on woman tru out my past affairs.i tot of lettin her go but i can't cuz i love her so much, i have to swore with my life i will never lift up my hands on her which i mean.i hate to be called a beast because i wasn't made dat way, she's d first lady i will ever hit...plz dnt crucify me 4 diz, wht shld i say to make her understand am not a woman beater.need ur mature advise.
ReplyDeleteAm ashamed of my deeds seriously.I knw i wont do dat again.
Get out of all these violent relationships jare. Domestic violence is on the increase because the women involved are indirectly encouraging the beasts they call husbands/partners.
ReplyDeleteThere is absolutely no reason to stay put in a relationship that can take one's life. Its unnatural. Why wont you flee from evil? The eyes close on reflex when a harmful object approaches.
Do it for your kids and the younger generation, so they know its not okay to be gluttons for battery.
Dis ill b my first time commenting on blogs like dis, it's took me several hrs to summoned a lot of courage, plz dnt judge me 4 wht i av to say. i will qualify myself as a very gentle caring guy.av bn into many relation 4 d past few years which av never raises my hands up or hit a lady not until i met dis girl last year August.I was madly in luv with her, few months back i saw her conv with her ex man frnd talking abt sex ,i got angry n slapped her.d second time she caught me wit a girl i tried to walk out not to repeat wht appened d 1st time but she hold me back n tore my cloth threatened to beat d girl.she didnt listen to wht i av to say,she started punchin me draggin my underwear den i lose my cool again n hit her thou she's a very sweet girl but stubborn.after dis i felt so bad cuz av never lay my hands on woman tru out my past affairs.i tot of lettin her go but i can't cuz i love her so much, i have to swore with my life i will never lift up my hands on her which i mean.i hate to be called a beast because i wasn't made dat way, she's d first lady i will ever hit...plz dnt crucify me 4 diz, wht shld i say to make her understand am not a woman beater.need ur mature advise.
ReplyDeleteNote:Am ashamed of my deeds seriously.I knw i wont do dat again.
Ayoka well, you have done well by saying yours and her own parts in the violence but the truth is from your story, your relationship with this person is unhealthy. If you are both driven to the point of hurting yourselves physically, you can't pass it off as love. Love is not a feeling, it is a doing and it is a choice you make. Physical attraction and passion should not not be confused for real love. When you love someone, even when they do wrong, you want to protect and cover their shame, not hurt them physically or disgrace them by beating or fighting. Love is expressed in only 2 forms- giving and forgiving. u can give her everything you can afford and you can forgive her anything. Any violence in the name of jealous love, is wrong- it is an obsession which can only end up badly and so should be stopped immediately. My candid advice is to end the relationship. You could ask why don't you both start on a fresh page- well the answer is the foundation is already faulty- you have both gone off that edge of physical violence. Just look for a way to remove yourselves of the destructive relationship. It doesn't mean either of you is bad- you are just not good for each other. Everyone has a good and bad side and a good loving relationship should bring out the best in you. My dear, the best way to be sure you won't do it again is to remove yourself from the environment and person that triggers this behavior.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, brothers or male relatives? This could lead to bigger issues. Trust me all that's needed is for the victim to speak up, even if its just one sister she has, it's enough to teach the man a big lesson. The more the merrier- if she has sisters, leave the brothers out of it and let the sisters go to the house and teach the bastard brother a lesson. Lets see him beat 2 or 3 or 4 women at the same time. And you know the sweet part, shame will not allow him say women beat him up. He will never try it again- it works like magic- even if you don't have sisters, let your very close friends help you.
ReplyDeleteMs kay,after daring him and standing up to him, he will think twice before he hits any one again in his life,haaaa, weakling, can you imagine. Your wife should be ur partner,best friend sister ,mother,confidant and everything.She can even decide to poison your food out of hurt and anger.we should even start taking karate classes ,defend yourself when it is necessary.Enuf said,there are still good men,though few,they respect their wives,they dote on them,they protect even before in laws,those are the real men,God help us,Angela
ReplyDeleteMs Kay and all other women, u r super women....I agree with the lady who fought him with a knife and I also agree with Mama Amanda and some others who said there are still good men...I am with a man who treats me like a queen,maybe because he's Godly(I know worse godly men), I don't know why. We wud quarrel and he'll kiss me in between my shouts and tell me how pretty I look angry...lol.....everyday, I thank God for him.
ReplyDeleteMy mothers friend once told her(my mum is a widow) "u r better than me...I wish I was a widow than having this man as a husband".....he beats her, abuses her, emotionally and otherwise, sometimes, he even acuses her....they have stopped making love for God knows how many years and I thank God cz he might have given her a disease....then one day, she brought out her cane and flogged him mercilessly(she's a teacher), they practically fought...she hit his balls, bit him and after that day, he doesn't hit her again....now, its a different form of abuse.....I think its cool to leave the abuser....I understand married women trying to fight for their home and kids but why single women are staying in abusive relationships is what I can't understand....DROP HIM LIKE HES HOT...
Am a guy and I guess from what all this ladies spoke about,I av been never been physical but emotional hard or say self-centered to me gf.
ReplyDeleteWe been dating for over 6years and within those years,wouldn't eat her food if she did sumtin wrong for days or speak with her, always said words to get too her even d most daring words.
Just reading all this comments made me realized I av been a bad person thru some of my behaviour towards her,thru fights sumtims irrelevant,arguments. Just found out all thru dis av lost my gf love,heart and how we do things when we started...
Maybe becos I took her for granted always seen her and we were living lovers for over 4 years,made be believe anything I do she always come begging
Just gave my life fully to Christ and am trying hard to win her love,trust and drop my bad habits which caused the break dwn and we stopped living together to find our feet back..
From a guy that repented point of view.
1) If your man doesn't knw God and pray especially with you dating or in marriage there is no connection with God in that relationship, violence would be involved.
2) As much as you love a man, when he constantly keeps doing the same thing that makes you unhappy; keep a distance if he is urs he would see his fault,if not free him.
3) Never try change a man through responds in arguments, fights or just sitting back. Pray, have communications in fun times and keep a distance if no change. Leave him
4) As hard as it may seems, never live in a guys house ure nt married, never do d sleep ova's weekend, the more desperate a man is in seeing you in place where no physical and emotional contacts is,the more respect and love he gives you. If he has access to your body in a short while he get tired.
5) Check his frds also, if they r womanizers, club freaks tendency to be undervalued is high(becos dey see cheap girls everyday) and if they av the fear of God, Good Christians not church goers. What you man hears from frds either make him or break him..
I really appreciate all your stories,sincerely apologize for ladies and woman dat av been through this. Am glad I came across this, to put me in check and I pray everyday I get back the love my gf had for me back 6yrs ago while I change my old ways.
Note: if you man doesn't knw and fear God,you're in for Domestic or Emotional Violence, you have to fear God not to hit a woman or treat her bad..
It takes a real man to look in the mirror accept his fault,not with his own help through the help of God.
1) I av changed my frds,
2) Cut out female frds that would make we commit sin.
3) Guard where and what I do.
As the bible said,Evil communication no matter hw strong corrupts
Let me share my experience with a guy I met during voters registration. We got talking and he expressed his interest in me but I told him I wasn't in a rush that we should get to know each other first.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I noticed about him was that he wasn't truthful. If he says "A" today and I ask him about the same thing and he would say "B". When I bring his attention to the disparity, he would flare up and get angry. I would apologise. Another time, he did the same thing and I gave him a piece of my mind that I didn't like the way he was behaving; as usual, he would apologise.
I'm blessed with good memory, so if you say this, it sticks to my memory and when you say another, I point it out to you.
Whenever he comes to check up on me and I don't call to know if he got home safely, it's a big issue for him. It wasn't as if I wasn't going to call, I had things to do and I had set my mind to the time I felt he would be home to call him.
He would say " so if I didn't call, you won't bother to know if I get home safely or not". I would just be quiet and let him talk since I wasn't ready to argue. He did it twice and this got me thinking. What's my business with him sef? We are just starting out as friends and he's already stressing my mind. Atleast I have male friends I've known like forever and they don't bother me like this one.
The straw that broke the Camel's back was when he kept telling me the caretaker that found the room he was staying was disturbing him to pay up the balance of what he owned. He said he couldn't pay the 2 years rent so pleaded with him to take 1year and he would pay the rest later.
He first mentioned this just 2days after we met. Initially, I didn't see it as something I had to intervene but after he kept talking about it, I pitied him and decided to help. I wanted to use the money I strained myself to save in bank to help him out.
ReplyDeleteI decided to inform my mom about his matter since we both met him at the registration centre. My mom, being the ever so generous mom also wanted to help him but she felt very uncomfortable with the story he gave and others she knew about.
So my mom decided to take it upon herself to go confirm if he actually rented the room or not. Before then, I ask him the name his neighbours call him. He gave me a totally different name; I was surprised! I pointed it out to him that that wasn't proper, he gave excuses to justify his action.
I told my mom the name to use when she got to the house to ask after him. Fortunately, he wasn't around when she went there. She asked one of the neighbours if she knew him by the name he told me, she said she didn't know such but when she mentioned his "real" name, she said yes she knew him.
My mom asked if he was the one who occupied the room but she said no that he was squarting with the owner of the room and some other guys. When I heard this, I was flabbergasted! I was about to enter one chance because of I wanted to help someone I thought was in dire need.
When he called later that he wanted to visit me, I declined. As usual, he got pissed and started with the blackmail but I wasn't moved at all. I stopped picking his calls, deleted him from my facebook account.
He even used his cousin to deceive me to get info. from me after I ignored his numerous calls and text messages. Later he started pleading for me to be his friend again and sending " lovey dovey" messages but I wasn't moved. When he got tired, he left me alone!
Though, he didn't touch me but he was an expert in blackmail, emotional and mind torture and twisting things to make him look good and the other "ungood" and a good liar. Though he would apologise but like my mom would say "cassava continues". No difference in his attitude then, apologise today, cassava continues tomorrow.
When I read others' story, I felt I needed to drop this because most of these DV relationships start from the use of words(emotional abuse). So many are in emotional abusive relationships; the guy/lady won't touch you physically but the words they utter diminish, humiliate, degrade and destroy the dignity and self esteem of the abused.
If you are in such, for your good health and sound mind, please end it. I didn't know what emotional abuse was about till I began reading that DV start from emotional abuse and discovered that this guy almost made me go through emotional abuse.
I for one, can't tolerate nonsense for long; you do it the 1st & 2nd time, I won't talk but the 3rd time, I will talk! I give the benefit of a doubt the 1st & 2nd but I'll surely explode the 3rd time provided it's just ordinary acts that irks me seriously not physical abuse.
I've never been slapped by my parents ever and so I won't take it from any man. I'm reserved, keep to myself, don't look for trouble, mind my business, I don't talk much and I choose my words carefully. So if that happens, I will spark for him seriously and if I can't stand him, I'm out because I only love once!
...because I only LIVE once!
DeleteOn a lighter Note, Ladies that look for husbands with full chest Muscles and Bicepts, tall and muscular, should be sure he'd use the features to PROTECT them and not to MOLEST them!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to y'all in such situations!!!
God help men to see females as the Priceless jewels they are and not mannequins or punching bags.
Zabrain Has Spoken.
DeMyk says: Hmmmmm, I am a man and have learnt so much from this thread. God bless SDK. My friends and I pride ourselves as God's gifts to women because we believe we treat our women like angels (that they are)provide for them, respect them, never raised our hands on them or use abusive words on our GFs or wives. But I had to go back to my wife last 9th to ask of her opinion. I told her about this thread and requested to know what her contribution would have been if she were to contribute anonymously.
ReplyDeleteI believed her when she said she was one of the few women enjoying their marriage real good (we have been married 3yrs now with a son)but.......
That I can be wicked when I choose to be. ehhhh? me? that cannot hurt a fly? Egba mi oh! she said all those times I refuse to eat her food or talk to her even after apologising breaks her. I didn’t know that hurts badly o but how else can one show his displeasure of a repeated occurrence?
Please ladies here, advise a brother on what to do when your spouse offends you repeatedly (it has to do with her family.) Do you just brush it aside and continue to eat food and gist when indeed, you are hurting? For me, I just go on hunger and gist (and ofcos sex) exile until I cool off.Not intentionally though but just to get my mojo back. Please is there any other thing I can do to show displeasure without really breaking her?
Hahaha haha exactly the description of my husband....when he is upset? Menh the whole house will go cold for the next 7days till he cools off... If I ask him what do u want to eat, Very Sharp cold response... Nothing, Thank you.... Are u coming inside the room? No am fine here.... Damn it hurts when he goes cold.... No matter what on earth I do, No matter what,he doesn't get back to normal till days days later..... we almost 3years now.... But I vowed now to control my anger since Nov last year....We haven't fought because the coldness for about 8days almost killed me, then I said God please if he should get over this anger I will never ever upset him again..... Because when we start fighting am quick to talk talk talk talk and talk and provoke him, but he watches me and silently crawls into his shell and punish me with Silence..... But thinking about it.... Women sometimes our own plenty oooo.... am sure I can't last in some other men's house...... He go Don beat me to pulp
Delete... All in all....May God help us all...
Hmmmm, I can't type, so I don't start crying....
ReplyDeleteBut I will try to type as soon as I get tipsy a bit.
ReplyDeletePLEASE DEAR TELL ur family now. It could help the torture u going thru and save ur marriage. Do it now> he need to know u have a family that can call him to caution pls stop the pretence and speck up> divorce is not the only remedy. SPECK up and let ur family and his put him on check> those who kept silience sufferd and some even losted their lifes pplease talk with ur parents now
ReplyDeleteÂş°˚˚˚ My God!â„“̊ A̶̲̥̅♏ so touched with all dis stories.may God help us.to all the ladies going tru any form of abuses,may God almighty direct u on the right part to follow.Amen
ReplyDeleteâ„“̊ had a colleague to told me dat if her husband don't beat her b4 sex,she won't enjoy the sex.what do u guys thing about dat?
She's possessed
DeleteI dont know why most people live indecit. I so much believe that if a wife opens up to her family or his husband's family most domestic volence will be cultailed. ALSO if fsmilies are closely nit it could also be cultailed. But most woman because they want to decieve people keep the maltreatment to themselves. A little issue which could hv been solved if the wife has spoken up when is started is made a mountain because u decided to hid ur pains BC OF WHAT PEOPLE WIL SAY. PLS LET THEM SAY WHAT THEY LIKE SO LONG THE PROBLEM U HV IS SOLVED. Ladies please start speAKing up i beg u. some situations cld be remedied if u dont cover for him. pls stop it and get SOMEONE you know he has great regards for to report him to. IT CLD SAVE UR MARRIAGE AND UR LIFE. AND IF AFTER U HV DONE THIS NO CHANGE. PLAN UR EXECT. BELIEVE ME its not going to be easy initially but u will pull thru so long u are focused and determined.
ReplyDeleteResearch has shown that sometimes what happens to an abuser is actually a cry for help.... They need help FROM themselves.... That's why lot of times an abuser will not be able to associate himself with the gravity of what he has done.... It's a sort of psychological dissociation.... As far as they are concerned.... IT WAS ALL A LIE.....'YOU CAUSED IT'......"YOU HIT ME FIRST"......"IT'S YOUR FAULT".... And the list is endless. They want to make up almost as soon as it is over.....they become either extremely remorseful or extremely disengaged from the act itself....when they are remorseful, you will see them do extraordinary things to apologise... Paid holidays, expensive gifts.... Calling the whole world to come and help them beg...... I know a friend ... Whenever she goes AWOL... At a short notice....I know that oga has beaten her and flown her out to REST...I always look for her then no matter where because I know she will want to talk....Some will ensure that you live like and are treated like a queen....that is until the next one...
ReplyDeleteThe other type that disengages or dissociates from the incidence will blame you.... Tell ridiculous lies.... Spin a fantastic tale or story against you that by the time he finishes his own version of happened, everyone will look at you as the devil incarnate.... "Iyawo yen gaaan wahala ni... Alaseju ni...ashawo..... Imagine all the money broda mi said he has been given her yet she is not satisfied.... Olojukokoro.... What else does she want....." And it goes on and on....some of these type of men will put the blame squarely on your shoulders.... "She stabbed herself....she disobeyed me..... A man brought her home....she slapped me first.... (I will tell you a real scenario that happened to me on this later)....
Either way some experts will say most of their actions are CRIES FOR HELP... I have seen some marriages settle down as soon as the whole world heard of the abuse.... Some men just need counseling or whatever you call it.... Counseling.....beaten .....or scared.... Into normalcy... And these types will stop the abuse as soon as some major things happen....someone said as soon as she packed out...the family knew something was wrong....her husband had to use his own mouth to be reporting himself to the family....bc she just disappeared and in looking for her he had to explain all the beatings etc.... By the time they found her ....things normalized.....
However the other ones the majority.... Are those who see nothing wrong with their actions... "MY MOTHER WAS CONSTANTLY FLOGGED BY MY FATHER....SO YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT".....or they were victims of the abuse themselves.... So there is transference of the aggression... A lot of naija men in this category will tell you that flogging, abuse .....etc are just a "naija" thing.... If you want oyinbo life... Then go and marry oyinbo man....but then not all men are the same.... All men are not equal.... This diary is not about the normal gentlemen....who respect adore and cherish their other half.... It's about THE OTHERS....
SO HOW DO YOU SPOT AN ABUSER AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE IN A RELATIONSHIP
Like I said at the beginning ..... This is a DIARY....a diary I kept whilst married to Him...I made most of these entries for a period spanning 15 years.... I've been out of it all for about 7years... I choose to be HAPPILY UNMARRIED... (Will tell you how I left later). I must say that every time I made an entry...after each incidence, I emotionally detached ....like filing things away into a cabinet...and believe me I just never wanted to re open any of the pages again....ever.... It is when I see faces of women.... When I read this blog and she kept on askingn.... "Is anyone out there"... When I read of young girls murderd by husbands who spin ridiculous stories.... That I decided to re open the diaries and put it out there....maybe someone's life will be saved, knowing what we are all now knowing...
ReplyDeleteEach of these posts have opened the wounds again.... I cry each time I bring back another entry.... Other people's stories keep me awake each night... THIS IS NOT A SCRIPT....I don't even think the producers in nollywood understand the depth of DV.......anyway.... But that's just me....I'm not sure..... This is also NOT A PITY PARTY..... Oh no!!!!!.... The essence of this is for people to understand what goes on in DV.....to draw people in such relationships out of their shells.... To encourage them to talk....to enlighten and educate those who are naive.... Hoping that the case studies here will help young girls, young mothers to recognize early warnings, early symptoms.......and take constructive decisions as to where they are going....
This diary is also intended to put the stark reality into the faces of the men themselves....like looking at themselves from outside...hoping that it may help them retrospect, re access and think...."IS THAT WHO I REALLY AM"...
It is to allow parents understand that not all ken are equal... Help the, to sit their daughters down and if they are single.... Help them know that it is not a do or die affair..marriage is not wedding...2 different things,,,
Also for us who know one person or the other in DV.... Create a support network for them.... Believe me... In the end.... For me it was the angels God sent to me (friend, family, strangers!) that became my support system...... Women in DV need people TO JUST UNDERSTAND ..... We don't want pity parties... But just knowing that I can talk to lagbaja and he or she will understand ...helps...(pray about it and I know God will,send these HELPS to you)
FACT...an abusive relationship never ends well.... I know...its like a free fall from thr top Of a hill....the only way is down...Physical may stop but there are the emotional, financial, psychological abuse....which are even worse than the physical....
Morbid as these scenarios appear, they are real.... So real that so many women have died from just one of the scenarios I have shared... Some are still there ashamed to tell anyone...and so they tell stories..... "I FELL DOWN....I RAN INTO A WALL....I HAD AN ACCIDENT...." When you hear these stories..... Just remember my own examples and know what could have happened. (Till date some of my bosses call me clumsy.....)
My next few posts will be real life cases of women that found me....or we found ourselves... Though we are still in counseling and still work -in - progress...
Dulce Bellum inexpertis..... War is sweet to those who never fought..........
Ms Kay! Please tell us how you left the son of a gun! I pray and cry for you guys! Here I was in my sheltered little world not understanding wat is happening around me!
ReplyDeleteI am Nine Years in my marriage now.... Mine was a relationship made in heaven when i met my husband. I felt that at last, God has given me that man... I sincerely desired because I had gone through some relationships that I felt was abusive and had left them because I believed that I was not ready to be the victim in any marriage until I met this man that treated me like a Queen.
ReplyDeleteLess than 24 hrs after my marriage, I saw the first drama, my in-laws, both Mother, sisters of my husband were acting a serious physical drama, I was embarrassed because my husband has told me very beautiful things about his people..., how loving and peaceful they were; so you could imagine the surprise
Less than 3 months into the marriage; my husband started with abusive words; he so abused me emotionally and physiologically that I lost my identity as a lady.
I was always afraid because I did not know what I would do next that would cause problems..., He said I must resign...... i refused because their was no kids yet.... i told him that if we had kids then,, i could consider that...., he said so many nasty things that I wont not want to recall.., he made Love to me whenever he pleased, and if for any reason i touched him...., he made me look like a prostitute begging for sex; the list was long...., in all this... I refused to reply back but always apologized whenever the nagging started; he then became angry that I was too dull and was always saying Sorry and for henceforth, he wont want to hear a Sorry in his house; he told me I was not well trained by my parents..., insulted my siblings.... the list is countless
Then, within six months into the marriage, He was having a relationship with an older woman whom i met mistakenly, I had gone to his office to inform him that I was around the vicinity as I wanted to go for a Church Meeting around there .... Meeting this lady was mine SIN..... who told me about the lady ????....., why was i monitoring...his movement ???...., he said that since relating to me, I did not give him access to my salary, the lady in question would give him business worth millions;
He started keeping late nights; and one day... I said to him...., if he wanted the lady as a wife... he should boldly make her one and stop keeping late nites...., Hmmmmmmmmmm.....
For daring to talk about the lady, I got a Hot Slap in my face....., I remembered the adage, it starts with a slap and then the blows... I gathered courage... gave him two hot slaps and pushed him down.... trying to escape...., he picked me up, stripped me naked and dragged me out of the house and told all that cared that they should come and see what makes me feel like a woman..., because i felt I had breast and a Virgina...., I think I can entice him with it...., it was other men in the compound that seized my naked body from his grip and took me into their house, found a long t-Shirt and I wore it....
Immediately, I came out..., He started the fight, I knew if I did nothing that I was in for it...., I stretched my hand for a ceramic cup, and used it on his head, he let me go.... as he was bleeding profusely.... that was the end of the fight...., he went round... told his mother, his brothers was called in as he told me that it was now a fight to finish...
- Wink
Continued @wink; To cut the long story short, even though, my husband was stronger/bigger than myself..., I had to fight back with my little strength --- I could not bear any beating and knowing that once married you are married for life; that means the beatings will continue for life, I could not give in...; when he noticed that I wasnt going to give into his beating; he stopped being physical; and continued with his usual talk.... really, sometimes I ask myself what am I really doing in this marriage; I have every reason to take a walk..., I just believe that my plans would succeed and it would be goodbye to rubbish - wink
ReplyDeleteSay No to Domestic Violence. You meet a man, marry him after two months without really checking his character bcos he is loaded then when he becomes violent in future you are looking for who to blame. Wise men once said, look before you leap.
ReplyDelete@ MS KAY.........thanks for sharing parts of your diary with us today. God bless you
ReplyDelete@@@TRUST NO MAN
IBE#170 were u dozing while typing?
ReplyDeletehaba
that can call him to caution
speck up
those who kept silence
some even losted their lifes
are you for real? welldone
to all the Ladies involved or having it rough; may God give you all the courage you need to deal with your lives!
How do you lose your temper to a point where you strip your own wife naked and drag her outside?what humiliation and disgrace can be worse than that? How would u face those neighbours ? How will she face those neighbours? Like seriously we are human beings and we should act as such.i think this beastly attitude is a function of ego ,a whole me? Am a man,am the head ,bla bla bla, then he turns into a bully.if your boss were to be a woman and she washes you down and insults you would dare hit her or even say a word? So y must the woman in the house be tortured for whatever reason? Even if she provoked you? Am sure you wont beat your mother up for provoking you so why should you turn your partner to a punching bag? These men keep talking about how much they love their mothers yet they cant transfer the same kind of love to their wives?What happened to wearing your shirt and taking a walk too cool off,this topic makes me sick and sad.Angela
ReplyDeleteFrom all that have read here, I feel there's a need to pick out some salient point, why do they change after the wedding ceremony? Why do women still get married to the ones that have showed there tendency even before marriage? Who provokes who? After been battered especially physically why do u keep it to ur sef? Now I remember a friend of mine who is dating a guy that tells her she's very dull, and she's not even that cute,my friend just keeps crying no matter how many times u ask her she will say she's missing her bf when she finally opened up i was shocked that's my model relationship,told her to give him back in his own coin,after a while they are good again,but it's a merry go round,they are still dating till date and if u ask her will u marry him,she will say yes I will,even though he calls her ugly to her face,he says she's dull and boring,so who do we blame? The women that thinks marriage can cure it or the men that sees an opportunity to be a real Oga at the top? Lots of questions on my mind....
ReplyDeleteThis is my first
ReplyDeletethe guy i tot well he is soo perfect and my type. i was happy just three weeks now since we been datn n he is already demanding for millions from me! Haba wetin be this nah. if u r even 419 sef. atleast wait small n let build things up a bit. atleast am glad he opened his nyansh early. now i know i have to b careful. this guy is soo jelous. i tot he was different from all the rest who sqeezed money from me n got angry when i didn't give, the last was the worse always demandn n makn it seem soo normal as if it was my responsibilty as a gf to be givn him money as in his mum n so abusive wit words claim to be de man so i must respect him yet wantn me to provide. i realised if we got married i wud have to pay for everything whiles he relaxed n claimed man of house. yes he even started saying ehn ' theres a lady who pays house rent water billl light bill and virtually everythingn the hubby is doing nothin. why can't i b like her* then i tot in my head there is a man who buys everything for his wife, wifey nly got to save which is most normal y can't u b like him? but nly said in my heard or else quarrel then i realsied this guy is so closed minded n lazy am naturally opend minded. name caln!i quickly optd out only to land in another one again. by the way am only 24, confident, bold, strong lady. now i was thinkn this guy is God sent n now.? whaaatttt turning into the same beast?... shud i just start running.... Na wa ooh.
ReplyDeleteMy dear run and whilst you are it don't look back, infact run faster than your legs and jump the fence if you see one.A man who can be so shameless to be demanding millions from a 24 year old is obviously dating you to milk you dry, he doesn't love you obviously and we need not prove this beyond reasonable doubt, if he is so complacent,lazy, shameless as to be making demands then trust me if you dare marry him, you will end up being the breadwinner and you may get beatings on top of it sef.He will keep putting you under pressure when he should be the one providing for the home.in just 3 weeks? Pls dump his lazy ass and remember to tell him no food for lazy man,imagine the silly examples,hisssss
ReplyDeleteDv is really a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteThere's actually a need to draw the line between emotional abuse and retaliation,if a man refuses to eat your food and suspend sex because of one or two issues please allow him and vice versa,am 25years and engaged whenever my fiancée gets me pissed I just ignore him and he then realises the gravity instead of me nagging his head off especially when i have tried communicating and hes trying the defensive game,I totally ignore him,then he probably starts doing the things he knows trips me and I ignore him still,until he apologises and he's truly sorry,mind you I don't over flog it though,if a man is angry and doesn't eat,talk or have sex with the wife,allow him it's either he's too full as in over fed,or he's not in the talking mood,lol,when he's bored he will talk,you too mind ur business and let him get over the hurt,seriously women like to offend then say sorry and get immediate forgiveness allow him space,my aunty in a 35yrs old marriage told me that she trained her husband even while they where courting that no matter the quarrel he must eat her food,tell her goodmorning and goodnight even while they are stil upset with eachother,I think the point is have a measure of control over ur spouse whether you are inside love or outside it,most ladies are totally in love while the man is pitying her love for him and marries her like that,so after the wedding he sees no need to pity again or he then falls in love afresh,then let's answer this sincerely,why do must people get married?
ReplyDelete@Dmyke, yes there is something you can do. I am very proud of you that you still have a conscience. Some men don't. Women really hate it when you dont eat their food or dont have sex. Rather than do this, talk to her about how you feel, with no third party involved. Whatever message you are trying to get across would get there faster. Women are like sugar. When you pour hot water(pressure)on sugar, it melts. Please dont break her! Talk to her more. You would be happy yourself. Also my brother, never discuss your home with your friends and family.
ReplyDeleteSweety I'm extremely happy that you bounced and moved on. Your ex was CLEARLY a psychopath and a sociopath from what you have written and this 3wk old boyfriend is towing the same line!
ReplyDeleteDo NOT EVER allow yourself to be pressured into providing for ANY man. I'm a 29 yr old married lady. From day1 I let my husband understand my boundaries. thankfully he isn't one of the psychotic ppl I've read about on this blog. I sometimes make more money than my husband(depending if he has side contracts or not). I run a successful business and Also have a very good position at my workplace. I made sure he understood from DAY 1, He is responsible for me and our future family at ALL times and I'm here as a SUPPORT system! His money is our money and my money is MINE! It sound unreal but it is VERY possible!
Personally I think you're too young to be worrying about any man. I got married at 27/28 and I can tell you the biggest difference between a 23/24yr old babe and a 28yr old is HUGE! Your career is more solid, your eyes have seen more and your feeling of self worth is over the roof! I didn't say you should be the signatory to your husbands accts oh. I could give a rats ass less what is in my husbands acct as long as he handles his responsibilities with me and at home I simply face my own bank acct.
Unfortunately our society and ESPECIALLY our parents put undue pressure on us. there are days my husband is feeling brave and wants to misbehave, all I need sometimes is that look of death, he calms down straight! Every man has an ego but any man that cherishes you will NEVER disrespect you unless he is a bastard! We need to know we are Queens and that these men NEED us no matter what. Most men can't even function properly without their wives and some on top of that will abuse them? I just can't!!!!
We also need to know when to STOP! Naija women our own plenty! We can say and unsay, do and undo with our mouths and actions. Let us caution ourselves and maturely approach trying situations. Looking inward and applying proper self criticism is usually the first step to solving a lot of problems.
God bless you ladies for sharing your stories and educating us ALL. The Lord is your strength and deliverer!
N.A
Even heaven knwz hw speechless ii am!Ma fingerz went numb.Am 24,n not in a relationship,n nw am beginining to feel maybe am doing d right thing!Coz this is way out of hand to we women!Am so worried n feeling insecure.sm1 made a very reasonable comment,y dnt they hit their female boss or their mum wen they re upset!Ladiez shld knw,if a guy beatz his sis,biko find ur way!A sayin goes thus,a man who treatz his woman as a princess was definately raised by a queen!God shld help us young ladiez n ma hrt n hug goes out to women out there,d likez of mz kay,dt God whoz bin wif u wld neva leave u!H.L
ReplyDeleteSo sad to read these post and my heart goes out to all you women who have fallen victim. It's easy to judge but no one understands why you hang on till you eventually find the strength to leave. I believe the younger you are the easier it is to fall prey. I was in an emotional, psychological, financial and potential physical abusive relationship once and thanks to my very supportive family and my father who refused to bless that marriage(its almost as if he could see through him) I'm with a much better man today.
ReplyDeleteThe signs are always there and we choose to dwell on the pretend love they show.
Indeed we need to do more to educate our young ladies that walking away is not always the wrong thing to do as society has made it so. Teachings on women's role in society/marriage/relationship has to change and this vow of silence we are thought to practice (keep your marriage matter to yourself) has to stop. My mother raised us to always share and talk about whatever situation/ incidence we faced as there is always a way out.
It creeps on you when you least expect it and before you realize you're in it. This could happen to anyone. We need to be more supportive of each other and help put a stop to domestic violence.
My take is Newton's 1st law motion: An object will be in its state of rest except acted upon by external force. Women pls keep ur tongue checked and men swallow ur pride.
ReplyDeleteI dont knw whether to share thid, but abuse is not always physical it also emotional and psychological.
ReplyDeleteI alnost went insane here in the state because he wont talk to me and am also too stturborn to say am sorry for a crime am not at faulthe lost a ny feelings or emotion that comes with marriage but am scared of raising my kids alone.
My religion does not permit aldutrey.
Am miserable and i wonder if i will be sturck in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life.